Sunday, February 13, 2011

30 Day Challenge - Day 13

Day 13 - A letter to someone who has hurt you recently

Is it bad that I really can't think of anyone who has hurt me recently?

No, really.

I suppose it's just that I'm much more aware of what people do to each other ... or of the crap decisions that I've made/thoughtless things that I've said and how THAT'S affected other people.

I do get upset with some people. But I seemed to be blessed in the fact that I get over it rather quickly (some things more than others, of course). Do I remember how much it hurt that so-and-so did such-and-such? ... Yes, but it's a bit dulled due to time.

Back before I got married, I could remember nearly each and every sting that failed relationships and unrequited love could give. But ... I haven't thought about those for years. And, when I do, I can look upon the guys with either rueful disbelief (that's saved for my first boyfriend and the two guys that I made out with -- Gosh, I was stupid back then!) or a bit of amusement. And miss them. (That'd be my HUGE! HUGE! high school crush and the guy I sort-dated before Michael) ... Because they were my friends. And I love my friends.

I can remember how heart-breaking it is to have a friend decide that they'd rather be popular than to be friends with you. ... However, even then, as much as it hurt, I couldn't really blame them. I had the opportunity to ditch a friend and be welcomed into the in-crowd. I chose one way. But not everyone's the same. And Jr. High social politics are harsh.

I know how stressful it can be to have a boss-person who seems out for your blood, who threatens to call your supervisor and report you -- so you won't graduate. I know how it is to wake up DREADING every morning, to wish you COULD just end it all so you wouldn't have to deal with a plateful of responsibility, with a HUGE side order of STRESS, all while TRYING to pretend (for over 30 preteens) that everything is FIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!
I know how it is to be so stressed that you can barely keep any food down until you get home to a loving husband ... who's patience is returned with your near-mental breakdown and months of NO sex. Because you aren't capable of doing anything at home besides basic meals, grading papers, throwing up, and trying not to cry.
(Yes, Michael was SO lucky. However, because of him, I knew that I COULDN'T just slit my wrists. Well, I knew, also, that it'd kill my mom. I'm her only child. I couldn't do that to them. Even though ... oh, I SO, SO, SO wanted to get away from it all.)
(It wasn't until about last week, though ... funnily enough. One of my friends from the Ed Program was talking with Michael. She substituted for that mentor teacher once. And swore that she would NEVER substitute for her again. ... It's nice to feel validated. ... I know that that mentor teacher was undergoing a LOT of stress in her life. However, she really should not have taken it out on a student teacher that she requested to have NOR on her students. I survived. I'm stronger for it. And ... the experience let me know that, really, teaching is not where my heart lies. If not for that experience, I probably wouldn't have started volunteering at the library. And, if I hadn't, I wouldn't have found something that makes me very happy and makes me feel fulfilled.)

I do get irked at people who hurt those that I love (my friends and family).  I suppose that I'm rather loyal to a fault. And I really get sad/anxious when two of my friends aren't getting along. But I can't fix everything. ... And, of the few times that I've fought with friends, myself ... things get patched up. Maybe not quite as good as new in every circumstance. But we're still cool.

So, instead, I will write a letter of apology for those that I've hurt:

Dear friend,

I know that what I did/said was terrible. And I'm sorry. I am sometimes very thoughtless.
I run across what I did in my head over and over. And it seems worse every time.

I didn't mean to be so stupid and idiotic. I never meant to hurt you or your feelings. Please forgive me. I will try and be better, be more responsible, actually THINK before I open my stupid mouth.

I know that forgiveness takes time. And, hopefully, by the time that you're ready to forgive me, I'll be able to forgive myself for hurting you in the first place.
(And believe me, some of these things, I've been mourning for over a decade.)

I apologize. I really do. I can't believe that I was so completely mindless that I did something to hurt you. I'm a total and complete idiot.


Now, the things that I really have in mind are from 3-15 years ago. 

That doesn't make it easier when I remember that I DID do/say them.

And, for the ones that I do remember more easily, the offended parties are still my friends. And I'm grateful for that. Insanely humbled. And sincerely grateful.
My friends and family love me better and more than I deserve. It's true.
And I love them all the more fiercely and loyally for it.

Now, I have to close up. I seem to have something in my eye.
Or my allergies are acting up. Even though it's not spring yet.
*surreptitiously wipes at eyes* 

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