Monday, February 27, 2017

#52Lists - List 1 - List What Makes You Happy Right Now

Okay, so after being a sadsack for the last year or so, I'm working at NOT being a pathetic sadsack and getting my groove back. I used to be a happier person with more self-confidence, and I'm determined to find that girl again.

So, part of my self-imposed therapy is that I bought a book called 52 Lists for Happiness.
I like making lists. I like happiness. Ergo, this seems like a decent idea, right?

And I might as well get started at some point ... so here I am (FINALLY) with the first list in the book:
List What Makes You Happy Right Now (or, in Church-speak, "Count Your Blessings.")

So, in no particular order, here we go:
  • My husband
  • The gospel of Jesus Christ. I like that we are loved beyond comprehension. And that we're allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. And that love is a basic principle. It's awesome.
  • President Thomas S. Monson, even though I'm worried about how much longer we get to keep him. But he's always got some of the BEST stories. And I'm a sucker for stories.
  • BOOKS. I heart me the written word something fierce.
  • Chocolate.
  • My family. They're pretty awesome.
  • Herbal and Rooibos tea ... pairs perfectly with a book or a historical costume drama.
  • Historical costume dramas.
  • Cats
  • Fennec foxes
  • Quokkas ... They are SO DANG HAPPY!!
  • Platypusses/Platypi ... they're cute.
  • Bunnies
  • Baby animals
  • Chameleons
  • Nail polish ... especially anything with holo glitters. 
  • Rainbows. I like all the colors!
  • Christmas, because everyone works to be just a little NICER and more COMPASSIONATE.
  • Beef stroganoff
  • Mashed potatoes.
  • Cherry cheesecake
  • Hot chocolate (the beverage. But I do also like that one song, "I Believe in Miracles," too.)
  • Fountain pens
  • Office supplies in general
  • The smell of laminating film (see above)
  • The smell of new books
  • The smell of old books.
  • Edward Gorey art (and writing)
  • Lemony Snicket's writing style
  • Fonts (like the handwriting and typography kind. I mean the water-type are cool, too ... but not AS cool to me. No offense if that's what floats your boat. #NoPunIntended #SeeWhatIDidThere)
  • Typography in general ... it's just something that I find aesthetically pleasing. 
  • Spellcheck
  • The Internet (well, not ALL of it, since there's some scary and bad stuff out there. But I do like the parts of it that I deal with. Social media, games, facebook, blogging, finding answers at a moment's notice, family history, ...)
  • Coloring (the feel of a marker or gel pen under your hand? The smell of crayons? The whisper of a colored pencil gliding? It's pretty awesome.)
  • Dancing ... especially when I was in shape.
  • Swimming
  • Lip gloss/lip balm
  • Anime and other cartoons
  • Those massage chairs at some nail salons
  • When my house is clean
  • Having more than 15% free memory on my phone
  • Music
  • Singing
  • When you're pregnant and you can feel your little parasite (I say that lovingly) move inside your uterus.
  • My Sunday School class
  • Relief Society
  • Girls Nights Out
  • Chatting with friends
  • Watching my youngest dance at her ballet class
  • Snuggles with my son
  • Chatting with my daughter
  • Scented markers
  • Naps
I'd put more, but MY SWEET BAYBEES are all awake and LOUDLY getting ready for school, so I can't think of much more around their energetic vocal ministrations. :P

But, hey, it's a start, right?

And a lot more things than those listed above make me happy. Those are just the ones that I thought about first.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

I'm sick *cough couch*

It's actually not QUITE so dire. I mean, yes, I'm the QUEEN OF MUCUS, but I'm on the mend.

But that's what happens when I overdo stuff. I could tell that I was getting overexerted/overscheduled/overstressed. But did I DO anything about it, really? Did I put my foot down and take a couple extra naps?


So I got sick. Boo on that.

It started off as a maybe-allergies, then went into a sinus-thing. Today is the first day that I haven't taken anything besides using my neti pot in the shower (Word to the wise: Don't step in the mucus you've just dislodged out of your head. It's slippery and GROSS.) ... and I'm feeling mostly okay.

I mean, yes, I should have bought stock with Kleenex ... and, since I'm pushing fluids so very much, I feel like all I've really done the last few days is blow my nose, drink water, and PEE (and pee and pee and pee).
Yeah, you're welcome. I know how you LOOOOOOVE that I'm keeping it SO VERY REAL.

I'll blog for real later. My cup of noodles is almost ready.

Wednesday, February 08, 2017

Eyring Quote

"There will be noise and people around you most of your waking day. God hears your silent prayers, but you may have to learn to shut out the distractions because the moment you need the connection with God may not come in quiet times." - Henry B. Eyring (Priesthood and Personal Prayer)

This quote ... I like it. I need it.

I am way too distracted and need to get better at focusing.

Saturday, February 04, 2017

Tender mercies

One of my friend's mom made jam.
She posted a picture on Facebook. And i,deep in my selfish heart, thought, "Wow, that jam looks amazing. But I shouldn't all for some. Making jam is an effort. And she's got a lot of people who know and love her delicious food."

Within an hour, she messaged me and asked if I'd like a jar, since she'd be in town.

She loves me.
My Heavenly Father loves me.
I am loved. And very spoiled.

Thursday, February 02, 2017

Today I Was Brave

If you've known me for longer than ... oh ... five minutes, you might have noticed that I have this tendency to, well, overthink things.

Like overthink EVERYTHING.

Which brings us to today's most eventful thing:

I'm at Bubble's ballet class, standing next to another mom.
I've talked to her before. I like her. She's easy to talk to and gives off that vibe, you know the one, all calming and pleasant.

And we chat a little.

And I screw up my courage ... "Hey, are you on Facebook?" I ask.

"Yes. A LOT."

"Can I send you a friend request?"

"Sure!" And she's so nice, she even helps me spell her last name (which I didn't know or I'd have sent her one earlier. I'm still so pleasantly surprised that Bubble's dance teacher accepted my friend request, to be honest.) and bring up the correct profile.

So *happy wiggle in my chair* I have a new friend.

I was looking through some of her posts this evening. She's a lot more into sports than I am. That's cool. But we actually have quite a bit in common.

I have a new friend, you guys.


I'm not totally hopeless at this! It's amazing!

In other (unrelated) news, I ordered a fountain pen. It's one of the cheaper (but decent) models ... it's supposed to be WAY better than the one I bought at Hobby Lobby a year or so ago ... that was more frustrating to write with than it should have been.
AND IT'S TEAL. Very pretty.
Fine-tip nib.
Sometimes Amazon Prime just isn't quite fast enough ... but it gives me something (yet another thing, really) to look forward to.

And, tomorrow evening, I get to have a girls' night out with two awesome friends. So that's going to be a blast.

And I wrote a letter (like a post-office-requiring-a-stamp-type-letter letter) to one of my friends, because she's mentioned in the past that there's nothing more fun than to get something fun in the mail ... and she wrote back! (And it is superfun to get fun mail) and I wrote her again.
(It's a lot less difficult to write to her than to my Nana ... because I don't have to think so hard or feel so tense. Nothing against my Nana. I love Nana ... but her dementia makes it difficult. Because, well, I never know what she will remember or not. So I just send her a chatty letter, sometimes with photos, full of (not-so-) important nothings ... and not mentioning that I miss her how she was before the dementia took hold.
I mean, I know Nana's still Nana ... but she's also not-so-Nana. ... She doesn't recognize one of my cousins. Which is terribly sad. She knows me and Michael and our kids still. She speaks highly of my mom. She knows her sons and their current wives/girlfriends ... But she's also not so who she was. ... I don't think I'm making much sense. Still, it's nice that she's still sweet and funny. Often a bit confused ... but it could be very much worse. And I'm very grateful that it's not.)

On Facebook, since I have a lot of friends on VERY varying places on the political spectrum (and that can be a little ... interesting. I identify as a moderate Independent, who can skew a bit conservative. It can be a little daunting dealing with Michael's uncles who are VERY, VERY REPUBLICAN ... especially when one of them will turn any slightly-political post I make all about the "liberal agenda."
Seriously, PARAGRAPHS-worth. ... I love my husband's uncles.
It gets more interesting when some of my more-liberal friends (like my high-school Drama teacher) gets involved. I learn a lot, yes, but it can be ... interesting.

But, really, overall? Life is good. I am doing better emotionally and socially.
I mean, sure, there's room for improvement ... but ... I'm feeling a lot better. I think I'm actually getting to that acceptance stage of grief. That's a big improvement.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Bouncing Back ... but not LITERAL bouncing because ... um ... REASONS.

Daaaang, yo. It's been a long time since I last blogged.

Seriously ... six months? I'm sorry. I just haven't really had anything that I felt like was a decent contribution. (I've posted on Facebook ... but that's really been most of it).

Okay, what all are the BIG things that have happened since I last posted? ...

  • The big kids went back to school.
  • I'm still taking notes for PTC ... managed to be late, like, TWICE ... which is not like me.
  • Bubbles is going to MusicMakers once a week (it's this free, cute music and activity class. We sing. We have an activity. They play with a parachute. They eat a snack and listen to a story. She loves it. I enjoy it, too. Everyone's supernice.)
  • Bubbles is also in ballet class. She enjoys it. I enjoy watching her. She had her first recital in December. Her class was adorable.
  • The kids did manage to get their room clean a couple times. Is it clean right now? ... Let's pretend you didn't ask. We'll all be happier.
  • Bruise and Bucket got themselves GROUNDED off their tablets. AGAIN.
    We're waiting for them to work off enough points. It's slow going. Oh well.
  • I got a new computer. It's nice and fast. 
  • Our heat pump went out right at the beginning of the cold snap. We've used space heaters and are doing fine.
  • I've decided to go through the hard, painful parts of grieving over that one situation that I've been all sad-sack about. I had messaged her around Christmas. She messaged back a couple weeks ago ... that I (somehow) really betrayed her trust. I'm still not sure what I did. But I apologized for hurting her, whether or not I did it knowingly.
    I mean, I HATE the idea that I would do something that could cause enough hurt for someone to cut me entirely out of his/her life. I can't think of anything that I've done ... and, if I did it NOT on purpose, ... well, that really sucks.

    I mean, honestly, I'm frustrated over the situation. I really would have hoped that, close as she and I were, she would value our friendship enough to tell me asap that I did something, so that I could apologize for it. ... And, honestly, I feel that I've spent the last 18-ish months defending her ... when she didn't feel that our friendship was worthwhile enough to contact me and tell me that I was a jerk and allow me the chance to make things right.

    And, after she did contact me back (and refrained from letting me know what I did), I took a look back on things and realized that, for a long time, as much as I love and value her as a person, our friendship has been ... stressful. I always had to worry about what I said or how I said it, since she has a tendency to take offence at things quite easily.

    So, I still love her as a friend and I really miss our friendship, especially toward the beginning, when we had SO much fun and laughed so much and I didn't worry that I'm a terrible jerk of a person and that I can't maintain a friendship (which, I know is illogical. I'm friends with people that I've known since grade school. One of the girls I went to high school with -- we're friends on Facebook --, when I said that I was annoying in high school, she argued that I wasn't. Which is incredibly sweet of her (and I don't know how true it is ... because, frankly, I could be VERY annoying).

    But, yes, I think that Heavenly Father is sending a lot of tender mercies my way. I know that I need to continue to love this girl (and I do), but I'm getting to the place where I'm able to attain a lot more peace than I've felt for a while. 
  • I actually did some more social-type things. I went to my ward RS (Relief Society) meeting and learned about budgeting and food safety and cardmaking. And it was really fun.
    I contacted a friend and had social time with her. We chatted and she's excellent with advice and I felt so very much better.
    I went to the Stake RS meeting, where we made newborn kits for another friend to take down to Guatemala in the summer (she and her husband do a lot of humanitarian work there). And I found that I have a natural talent at getting the air out of ziploc-baggies packed with baby gear (MY TIP: before you completely seal the bag, LAY ON IT. Having the amount of mass I have, I just smush it with my breasticles and muffin-top. THEN you seal it. ... It's nearly perfectly flat and looks like you hit it with a vacuum-sealer. .... I finally found my secret talent!)
  • Bruise and Bucket are almost through with their first semester of violin lessons this year. Their concert is coming up this week.
    Last fall, they were in dance club at school. They learned some Swing and Salsa. Bucket is continuing dance club. Bruise is going to be in soccer club (of COURSE).
  • I started doing Duolingo again. I finally got all caught up (and past) where I had left off months and months ago. It took me a while (a month!!) of doing it every day. Do I feel confident in my 49/49% fluency in Spanish? Hahahahahahahaaaaa-NO. But I'm getting better and that's something.
  • Michael's been CRAZY-BUSY lately. It means that the Sabbath really IS the day of rest.
  • I bought sweatpants yesterday. I may never take them off.
    Soooo comfy AND THEY HAVE POCKETS.
  • Bruise and Bucket turned 11. They just keep growing and everything.
    I need to do a birthday post for them.
  • Bubbles was SO UPSET that THEY had a birthday and she didn't (she has to wait a couple months, poor kid), so we made a paper chain to count down to her birthday.
  • I've been listening to a LOT of Hamilton (the edited CD and mixtape). Love it. I keep waking up with random songs stuck in my head. And, apparently, we're Lin-Manuel Miranda fankids, since we also play the Moana soundtrack in frequent rotation.
  • Bruise got his Webelos badge and Arrow of Light ... and is now in 11-year-old Scouts.
  • Bucket got glasses for reading the whiteboard in school.
I mean, all in all, it's just a collection of busy nothings.

But it's my life. And I'm feeling more comfortable in it again.

And, thank you for reading. I'm grateful for you.
Just wanted you to know.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

In which I am maudlin ... let's hope blogging this gets it out of my system.

So, last night I was feeling pitiful (gastronomically ... sorry, TMI) ... and, apparently my brain thought that I should feel pitiful mentally, too!

Misery loves company, right? *overly bright smile*

So, I'm lying in bed, next to Michael and ask ... "Do you think she misses me as much as I miss her?"
He is intuitive and knows that I'm asking about that bestie that ... well, she didn't give me the Cut Direct, since that would involve seeing me. But, yeah, she took herself out of my life without warning.

And ... even though one of the gals I Visit Teach told me, 'Why would you want to keep suffering? Even if she came back and asked to be friends again, why would you take her back?"

It's not that I'm masochistic (well, HOPEFULLY not) ... but, when her and my friendship started out, it was good. It was fun. I miss that.

I don't like that I don't feel as self-assured. I don't like that I lost someone who was so much fun to laugh with.

I mean, it'd be one thing if she had left my life, but I still had my friend K, who passed away, who was fun to laugh and bake with ... even though she and her family were going to move away at some point. I can keep a friendship going cross-country ... I had done it before. Heck, I manage to keep a friendship going across the planet. ... It's just a little harder to do it through the veil (They never call, they never write ...).

But, even though it's been a long while ... nearly a year ... I still feel that ... I ... I just don't feel right.
I feel lost. I feel full of doubt that I'm even a decent friend.

STUDIES SAY, so they say, that if a friendship lasts seven years, it'll be able to weather anything.

And I kind of hate that, too.

Because ... I feel like a crap person.
What kind of crappy person does a girl have to be that her bestie cuts all ties with her without a word? That moves back to the same town and never even texts?

... Going with that, I am a REALLY CRAPPY person.

And ... I don't want to be a really crappy person. I want to know how to have fun, how to not be filled with self-doubt.

And, as friends have pointed out, this now-gone-friend has changed.
And it was harder to be supportive for her ... so ... maybe she's done me a favor?

I don't know.

They say that time heals all wounds.
How do I stop picking at this scab?

Counting ...

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