Wednesday, November 19, 2008

In which I worry, confess, complain

Mostly, I  am doing better, mentally speaking.

I enjoy my calling (responsibility) at church, my kids are generally fun to be around, I have a husband who loves me, and a family that I have good relationships with ...

I worry. (Like my Bri.) Some of my worries are similar ...
  • I worry about my family's health. I worry that I (who am NOT covered by health insurance) will get sick, or slice off a finger, or break a bone ... or slip in the shower and knock my head on a hard/sharp edge, knocking out the majority of my teeth AND putting myself into a coma. [No, really. I do. I know it's NOT normal.] And that Michael, my kids, and my family will all suffer because (1) I'm incapacitated and (2) it is going to be VERY expensive.
    I also worry that I might have depression. And that everyone will suffer because of it and it will be MY FAULT (Thank you, commericals about "Who does depression hurt?"!) Because what if I DO have depression? Am I depressed? I am generally happy-go-lucky ... but if I'm depressed, won't that change my whole view on things? I don't want to be depressed! I don't want to think that I might be depressed. (Not that there's anything wrong with it. I just would strongly prefer not to have any medical conditions ... other than being alive, female, and having given birth in the past. Thank yew.)
  • I worry that people (or pets) I love will die. (My Gingi-cat is over 16. I know that it's inevitable that she will die. I don't have to like it. I also am very worried that my Nana is going to die soon. Or my Mom. Or Dad. Or Michael's folks ... and I don't want ANYONE to die.)
(And how sad is it that I'm, inexplicably, CRYING just TYPING this crap that worries me?)
  • I worry that I'm not going to be good enough or prepared enough for the last days, when the earth is going to be a TOTAL crap place to live. I have SO much room for improvement. I need to really get going on food storage and being spiritual and being a better mother ... and, when it comes down to it, I find myself SO lazy and tired ... Ugh. And then I hate myself a little for it. I should be this miraculous little powerhouse. I should not find it difficult to remember to (and make the time to) STUDY (not just skim) my Scriptures, to pray, to NOT lose my temper and yell, to clean my house, to fold the @$^$#$%# laundry, to attend the temple more often, to be a better wife and mother, to cook BREAKFAST, to organize our food storage, to organize the shop, to clean the cars ... And then I hate myself a little more for being such a tight-butt perfectionistic wanna-be.
    And then I rifle through the kitchen for something sweet. Or go paint my toenails. When I SHOULD be exercising or something really worthwhile.
    (Waaaaah!!! My life is Haaaaard!! /self-loathing)
  • I worry about our finances. We're ekeing by ... We have a house, which I'm grateful for ... I still try not to be envious of people with fenced back-yards (Hey! If we had the cash, we'd have bought the stuff and built ourselves a kick-butt fence!) and vacations and cute clothes and such (Yes, I AM just that shallow. I'm dealing with it *sigh*)  ... Then I'm also aware that there are lots of people that don't have it as well as we do. And so I feel like a total heel for that. (Waaah!! I'm human!! /self-pity)
  • I worry that I might lose my sight and hearling like my dad. How would I deal? I love to read, love to watch stuff on YouTube and blog ... love to listen to stuff. 
  • I worry that people at my High School Reunion will think that I've really let myself go and that I'm fat. Or even more insane than I was in high school. ... And I'm actually less self-confident than I was in high-school. What happened?? I used to care what everyone thought of me, yes ... but now I almost care more. What's up with that??
  • I worry that my kids will get hurt or die. And that even though it won't be something that I caused/allowed to happen, that I'll be put in jail or something. Because that seems to happen a lot. ... And, since you can't just Velcro your kids to the wall 24/7, I kinda do worry that this is a viable worry. (Which makes me feel EVEN more sick in the head.)
I could list more, I'm sure. These are the ones that I've just come up with in a stream-of-consciousness bit.

Now I should totally bury this under some happy fluffy-bunnies-and-rainbows-and-unicorn posts.


Kate the Great said...

Okay, no I fully expect you to sit down and write out at least 10 things that you find joy/delight in. And you can't just list them, you have to actually write them out in sentence/paragraph form, like you did these.

Not to say it is unimportant or even bad to worry at times, but I am giving you the assignment to then find the balance.

Your little book list says you are reading 'Eat,Pray, Love' so by now you should know how important it is to let go of all of this-- and to find the balance and joy.

I expect to see this on my desk (aka you can blog it) by the morning. *Nods with her teacher face on*

Allanna said...

Katie, have I mentioned that I love you?

Because I totally do. ^_^

(And Eat, Pray, Love is in my to-read pile. *sigh* I'm GOING to get to it. Pinky-swears!)

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure if you're worrying that much wether or not you're depressed... it means you're totally fine. When I was going through my period of depression after my Mimsey died, it took my general practitioner to figure it out. I think those commercials suck by the way. Dumb pharmaceutical companies! They just want your money. They don't care who they hurt. And they're going after moms (like you) who have more than one kid (like you) who get stressed out (like you) and feel like they're not doing a good enough job, and feel guitly for taking time to themselves... and then they manipulate those feelings.

See, pharmaceutical companies know the trick. They know that if you believe it, it becomes real. They know that if they can convince you to feel like you're depressed, you will become depressed. And when you walk into that psych eval, you will be so entirely focussed on your 'depression' that the evaluator will diagnose it. Then you get put on their drug, and there ya go.

Trust me, I know. It happened to me. Remember the "Bipolar Type II" diagnosis three and a half years ago? I'm not Bipolar, and you're not Depressed. End of story. You are a normal (well ;-) heh heh) mother. You are feeling normal feelings. And gosh darnit... I LOVE YOU.

Allanna said...

Thank you, Bri. I love you back.

And I was kinda wondering that if I was wondering IF I could be depressed ... well, is it like when you wonder if you're completely mental -- being that if you think you might be then you're not.

And Michael tells me that I'm not depressed. And I trust his opinion. Probably I'm just all hormonal and exhausted. *Ugh* And when you're tired, you're susceptible when listening to rotten commercials. :P

Thanks again for the feedback. ^_^

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