Meh-ish ---- Warning: Whining and Angst Ahead

It's been one year and three days since Gingi-cat died.
I still miss her.

We went grocery shopping yesterday.

I'm still behind on housework ... but I got caught up on blogs (especially mental_floss and neatorama ... which take the longest to catch up on).

My heel is healing. Slowly. But it's getting better.

I need to take a shower.

I did some pilates this morning. I don't do so well at getting it done when the kids are awake/around. They're distracting.

I read my scriptures this morning. And prayed. By myself. I'm trying to get better at doing that. At making a habit.

And exercising, too. Since I feel all fat and gross.
And my pink streaks are starting to fade. I should dye them again. Not tonight, though ... I have plans. I'm getting out of the house to go to Mutual.

I drank some V-8 ... so I feel slightly virtuous as far as health goes. It was even the low-sodium V-8 (which is fine. It's just not as good as the Hot & Spicy V-8 ... Do they make a low-sodium version of that? Hmm).

I think we'll go blueberry picking this weekend ... since the kids earned coupons to do that. And I hate to let them go to waste. And we should take them to the pool this month. Before THAT prize goes to waste. Like it did last year. Oops.

Why can't I just wake up being 50-75 lbs lighter? Or, hey, if I woke up and had, say, 10% body fat, that'd sure be nice.

I'm a lot skinnier in my dreams. I have my high-school body, really. When I was smaller, in shape, and perkier. I miss that body.

Yeah, I sound all angsty. There's a reason for that. I should go break out the Valerian, huh? I love being a girl ... when I'm not being all PMS-y.

Yesterday, I was so tired that, even though I REALLY wanted to read my book, I couldn't concentrate on it at all. THAT is depressing.

It's too bad that doing, oh, a bazillion crunches won't get rid of the stretched-out skin on my stomach.
It's also too bad that I never really made a habit of exercising. I mean, I exercise my brain a ton. I'm always reading and trying to learn new things ... But I feel like Miz LardoButhigh-MuffinTop, nee Batwings.

I've never had extremely toned/slim upper arms. Not even when I was working at a supermarket, stocking shelves with cases of beer (those are rather heavy. Just saying).
I'd ask how Madonna does it ... but I know that she has personal trainers and a home gym and such.

Every so often, I daydream about owning a Bowflex. But would I really use it? I'd like to THINK that I would ... But thinking and DOING are often completely different. At least in my experience. *sigh*

Yup ... Miz Ray of Sunshine here, huh?

At least I'm blogging ... I'm trying to get back in the habit of doing that more often, too.

Yeah, I have lots of goals.

Well, I think I'll try those bazillion crunches. Or sixty. Whichever come first.
Then I'll see if I feel up to trying lunges or squats or TOTALLY modified push-ups.

(What happened to the days when I could benchpress 75 lbs? Or use that other machine and ... I don't know what it's called ... but, um ... it's like bench-pressing with your LEGS ... but I could do over my bodyweight with that. ... I miss being in shape. I miss being able to look all CUTE in clothes instead of like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man in drag. ... Which is what I FEEL that I look like.)

It's not like I'll ever be a size 0. Or a size 2. The smallest I've ever been was a size 5. And that was when I was going into puberty.

I'd be more than happy being a size 8 again. I looked fine and healthy as a size 8. As a size 8, it was relatively easy to find clothes that fit (and that looked good ... instead of the dreaded camel toe. Ugh.) ... I mean, my boobs were never all that manageable. But I managed ... most of the time. I could buy bras in a few stores around, which was nice.

(Hey, at least my band size is still the same. I mean, that's got to be SOMETHING. Something that proves that almost all the added weight is in my thighs and butt. *rolls eyes* Small blessings, right? )

But, yeah. I REALLY want to be able to get on a scale and have it say that I weigh about the same as when I was in high school. That'd be really nice.

YES, I am this vain that I obsess over my body when I'm CLEARLY not the same person I was when I was in high school.

For one, I'm about 50% heavier.
For two, I sure hope that I'm not as annoying ... Heaven knows that I'm still as self-conscious and insecure ...
...After thinking about this post, I most like AM just as annoying. If not more so.

Got to stick with what you know, I guess.
::headdesk::

::headdesk::
::headdesk::
::headdesk::

Okay. That's it. Enough wallowing in self-pity. I'm gonna get up and take a bath or a shower. ... And, THEN, dammit, I'm painting my toenails.

Then, maybe, I'll have Michael re-pink my streaks when I get home tonight.