Thursday, January 27, 2011


I woke up this morning (okay, last night) to clean up after Bucket ... who had eaten too much, got up in her sleep, missed the toilet on the first try, got the toilet on the second, and went back to bed.

I couldn't fall back asleep at first. And, while I was lying there, it occurred to me that Grandpa and Diana-cat died just about a month apart.

It feels longer than that. This NOT-EVEN-A-WEEK feels longer than that. I feel older.

Grandpa's funeral went well.
The family all sat together during the viewing.
Grandpa didn't look like himself. It was more like looking at a waxwork. I KNOW that he used to be there. But it wasn't him. It was paler and solemn. Grandpa was almost always with a smile.

When Cousin H stood there, in front of the casket, and quietly said, "I miss you, Grandpa," ... gosh, I really lost it.
I'm just glad that, for the most part, I'm a quiet crier.
To be honest, it was so hard seeing how sad everyone is.

The grandsons sang the opening song. Most were choked up.
After Uncle D and Dad C spoke, the granddaughters sang.
And most of us weren't able to sing all that well. A good deal of the song, I couldn't read the words in the hymnal. Since my eyes were full, you see.
Grandma was able to pick out my voice, which was nice. Uncle D told me later that he's sure that Grandpa was up there, appreciating our singing. And that made me cry. Again.

There was an honor guard at the graveside. I've never seen on in person before. They did a wonderful job. I'm grateful for their service. To our country and to our family.

Michael dedicated the grave. First time he's done that.

Back at the church, after everyone ate, I was chatting with Grandma. I told her that if she needed anything, to give us a call. (Since we do live close).
"Oh yes. We will. ... I will. ... ... It's hard to get used to saying 'I' and not 'we' anymore."

And my heart broke just a little bit more.

K, my brother-in-law, ... his granddad passed this last weekend, too. But it was a drawn-out affair. They knew it was coming. Still, that doesn't make it easy. I knew for years that Gingi-cat wasn't going to be alive for forever. And it was still difficult.
He will be delivering the eulogy for his granddad this weekend.

I got a bloody nose. I haven't had one of those for a long time. Just out of nowhere, really. I'm assuming that with how much I've been crying and blowing my nose this week, something had to give. And it was those dang capillaries. It ended. ... And just started up again.

It was good to see family. I just wish that it had been under different circumstances.

Also, Uncle B (Michael's great-uncle) said "hi" to us. ... He looks similar to Grandpa. And, oh. There's something in his voice. It's not EXACTLY like Grandpa's voice ... but ... it's similar enough. It made me cry.

Well, tomorrow I'll be spending time with the Young Women. That will be nice. It still feels weird, though. ... LIVING, that is.
I don't even know if I'm making sense. Still, lately ... after Gingi-cat died, after Di-di, Pop-pop and now Grandpa ... it just feels strange. Like I'm a little raw or something. Oh well.
I'll toughen up and remember how to get by again.

But I kinda doubt that it'll be in the next couple of hours.

I think that I'm going to get a shower, get my nose to stop bleeding, and maybe get a nap.
And maybe read something. Escapist reading for the win, right?


Hilary said...

Things will look up! They always do! ((((HUGS))))

Anonymous said...

Yes, I know that feeling... that strangeness of being alive when someone you love... isn't. It's awful. It does pass, but it will likely pop up again at inconvenient times. I'm so, so sorry. I'm here for you when you need me. :-(

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