A Turn for the Worse ... Here's my brain dump

My aunt called this morning.

Nana is still alive, but she took a big turn for the worse last night. Today, she's unresponsive. She's not in any pain (I knew that the hospice workers and her memory care nurses were good). But, she's not long for this world. I am going to miss her.

They took her out to her favorite lunch on Tuesday. She ate really well. She was okay until about yesterday night. It's not long until she can be reunited with Pop-pop. She's been waiting for that for about seventeen years.

I am going to miss her.
Lots.

But this is not a terrible thing.
I will miss her because I love her.
We will be able to do her temple work ... I think she'll accept it.
We will seal her to Pop-pop. This way they can have an eternal marriage. Even with the dementia, she's never stopped loving him.

She won't have dementia anymore. Her ankle won't hurt her (from a car accident long before I was born). She won't have to manage her diabetes. These are all reasons to be happy.

But I will miss her.

When I got the call today, from Aunt I, my mom was up. She was the first person that I told. Then I told the kids. Then I messaged Michael (since he was on site at a job ... or I'd probably have told him first).

In other news, we ALMOST were able to sell our old house. But the buyers backed out after inspection.  So, if we're counting, and we are, here's the line-up of failures:

• An offer was made, sight-unseen, for above asking price. ... They decided against selling their house. So that fell through.
• An offer was made and accepted, right about asking price. ... He couldn't get funding and the offer had to be terminated.
• An offer was made (lowball. Seriously, we'd already dropped asking price by $5,000. They offered $15,000 below THAT.), counteroffers flew back and forth. Finally, we got about the minimum that we were looking for as profit. Their inspector didn't like the place. Our realtor tried to see if we could fix things up and move forward. They weren't interested.

And that will bring us into a third month of not selling that house. Fun times.

And, OF COURSE, Mother Nature decides that THIS is the PERFECT TIME to give me confirmation that I'm not pregnant. (No, we're not trying. ... Honestly, I'd gladly take a text/email instead of menstruation. ANY TIME.)

We had a bit of a parenting-fiasco that hit this week. Kids eating upstairs. Kids getting into ice cream and leaving it out to melt. Grades nosediving. Lying about eating upstairs and getting into food. Good times. That was Wednesday evening. Bubbles missed her soccer practice. Bruise got his sleepover this weekend cancelled. The kids opted to put themselves to bed early, after cleaning their rooms, without dinner.

Confessions were made the following morning. The big kids turned in missing/corrected work. Grades are improved. Resolutions were made. Restitution is in progress.
Especially after I told them (after confessions were made), the scope of their punishment that they (NARROWLY) escaped:

• No watching TV
• Taking away the clock radios (No radio)
• No extracurriculars (soccer/dance)
• No parties/sleepovers
• Dad and I sell their tablets, since they won't be using them
• No Halloween costumes/trick-or-treating ... they weren't aware that this was even an option on the table. Once I told them this, as I was taking the big kids to their bus drop-off, they were SHOCKED that it was even a possibility. They were VERY GLAD that they confessed before these were put into practice.

We also had a DISCUSSION about honesty, integrity, and accountability. And about how, when you lie, you're damaging that relationship. When you make it a habit of telling the truth, we can give the benefit of the doubt for HONEST mistakes ... but, if you haven't established that trust from continued honesty, there's no room for us to extend that grace.

I think ... I HOPE ... that this is the end of this.

Also, when Bucket declares that "I didn't even know that we had _____," we can't give the benefit of the doubt anymore. Since she's already used that more than once when she was VERY MUCH AWARE of the existence in our possession of ice cream and other treats.

Yes, we're really mean parents.
Mean parents who are determined to groom some DANG, GOOD CITIZENS to release into the wild in another 6-12 years. Or thereabouts.
We want them to have the skills that they need to succeed in life, to make friends and influence people, to establish rewarding careers, to vote responsibly, to impact the world in positive ways.

And also have parents who can trust them.

Win-win, right? #goals

I'm keeping my chin up. But it's not been the easiest couple of weeks.

I am looking forward, though, to when we only own ONE house. That'll be nice.

In some nice news, Bruise made it onto the National AYSO team. He'll get to compete in Hawaii. That means that Michael and I might get to go to Hawaii, right? We've never been to Hawaii. Heck, I've never been off this continent. The farthest north I've been was Victoria, B.C. The farthest south has been San Diego. The farthest east has been Mississippi. ... I'm not that much of a world traveler. Not from lack of desire, mind you. Just lack of money and time. For now. Someday, we'll get all our ducks in order.

After we sell a house, ha ha ha...

#52 Lists - List 2 - List Routines in Your Personal Life and at Work

Right now, I'm kinda horrible at routines.

Lets' see ... here's a typical day:

• Wake up to Michael's alarm. Fall back to sleep immediately. I'm sure he said a prayer and kissed me goodbye. I usually don't remember. #badwife
• Wake up slightly before my alarm(s). Check Facebook. Maybe remember to say a prayer. Maybe (on a REALLY GOOD DAY) get a shower early.
• Bruise is usually awake. Bucket and Bubbles are usually good about getting themselves up, too.
• Depending on the day, I might, after throwing on some clothes, take Bucket and/or Bruise to a club/class before school (Strings lessons twice a week, Girls on the Run twice a week, Musical Theater [technically twice a week, but conflicts with Strings ...], Track Club [if offered], ...). Otherwise the kids put together their lunches and catch the school bus.
  I try to have the older kids empty the dishwasher and dryer before they leave.
• Depending on the day, sometimes Bucket has activities [MusicMakers was Tuesday mornings. Library storytime is Wednesdays] ... sometimes I have Visiting Teaching.
  I nearly always get a shower before heading out. Standards, people, I have them.
• Come back from errands (or take a break from procrastinating). Eat lunch.
• Sometime during the day, I read to/with Bubbles.
  I also read myself. If I'm really lucky, I get a nap.
• Kids get home. Unload dishwasher (if it's been run), more laundry. Bruise makes sure to keep up his streak in Duolingo. They relax from school. Maybe go out and play. I figure out something for dinner.
• Michael gets home. We eat. We chill.
• Read scriptures and pray together as a family. Kids get ready for bed and go to bed around 8pm.
• Michael and I chill: chat, watch something (Netflix or the DVD from Netflix or a DVD from the library or something that we own). Sometimes we decide to play a board game or something instead. We head to bed around 10pm
• Since Michael wakes up earlier, he falls asleep sooner. If I can't sleep, I play on my phone until I'm tired ... then I sleep.

What do I like? 

• Spending time with Michael, for sure.
• Chilling with the kids
• Reading and praying as a family. If the schedule allows, not only do we do scriptures and prayer together, but I also read aloud to the kids. It allows me to share books I love with them.
  (The Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, Wonder, the Blossom Culp/Alexander Armsworth stories by Richard Peck, ... there are others, of course. But those are the bigger ones.)

What do I want to change?

• I think I need to start doing FLYlady again ... get more of a schedule for cleaning/housework.
• When the kids are all in school, I'm going to try to start volunteering at the library. I haven't volunteered at our local library ... but I'd love to get my shelving zen on again.
• I need to start planning meals. It'll make evenings (and days) a lot more organized.
• I also want to schedule individual time with each of my kids ... right now, between school making life a little zany, allergies kicking my trash so that I'm exhausted, the house being a sty ... well, it's not so easy to prioritize everything/everyone as they should be.
• I need to schedule prayer and scripture study for myself ... I know it'll be easier when the kids are all in school ... and when I have a housekeeping schedule in action (Think about it: Get up, get kids to school, throw dinner in the slow cooker, make a cup/pot of (herbal/Rooibos) tea, sit down at a (CLEAN!) table and read and ponder ... then go to the bedroom and have a prayer. After that, tidy up the house, run a vacuum, do a load of laundry and dishes, fold laundry while catching up on my Netflix queue ... run any errands/volunteering/Visiting Teaching ... read uninterrupted (or do a craft ... I do those sometimes!) ... kids get home, help with any homework/spend individual time, meet Bubbles at the bus, get her settled (maybe even a nap for her!), get dinner set out, clean up, scriptures/prayer/story-story ... time with Michael. Sounds pretty sweet, eh?
  Okay, maybe not exactly your cup of (herbal/Rooibos) tea ... but I'm comfortable knowing that I'm kinda boring.
  And I forgot to add going to PTC/PTO meetings and running the kids to soccer, ballet, Activity Days, Scouts, etc ... but you get what I mean.

I like being spontaneous ... but it would help to have a better-implemented schedule in place from which to veer, if you get what I mean?

Someday ... Someday.

#52Lists - List 1 - List What Makes You Happy Right Now

Okay, so after being a sadsack for the last year or so, I'm working at NOT being a pathetic sadsack and getting my groove back. I used to be a happier person with more self-confidence, and I'm determined to find that girl again.

So, part of my self-imposed therapy is that I bought a book called 52 Lists for Happiness.
I like making lists. I like happiness. Ergo, this seems like a decent idea, right?

And I might as well get started at some point ... so here I am (FINALLY) with the first list in the book:
List What Makes You Happy Right Now (or, in Church-speak, "Count Your Blessings.")

So, in no particular order, here we go:

• My husband
• The gospel of Jesus Christ. I like that we are loved beyond comprehension. And that we're allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. And that love is a basic principle. It's awesome.
• President Thomas S. Monson, even though I'm worried about how much longer we get to keep him. But he's always got some of the BEST stories. And I'm a sucker for stories.
• BOOKS. I heart me the written word something fierce.
• Chocolate.
• My family. They're pretty awesome.
• Herbal and Rooibos tea ... pairs perfectly with a book or a historical costume drama.
• Historical costume dramas.
• Cats
• Fennec foxes
• Quokkas ... They are SO DANG HAPPY!!
• Platypusses/Platypi ... they're cute.
• Bunnies
• Baby animals
• Chameleons
• Nail polish ... especially anything with holo glitters. 
• Rainbows. I like all the colors!
• Christmas, because everyone works to be just a little NICER and more COMPASSIONATE.
• Beef stroganoff
• Mashed potatoes.
• Cherry cheesecake
• Hot chocolate (the beverage. But I do also like that one song, "I Believe in Miracles," too.)
• Fountain pens
• Office supplies in general
• The smell of laminating film (see above)
• The smell of new books
• The smell of old books.
• Edward Gorey art (and writing)
• Lemony Snicket's writing style
• Fonts (like the handwriting and typography kind. I mean the water-type are cool, too ... but not AS cool to me. No offense if that's what floats your boat. #NoPunIntended #SeeWhatIDidThere)
• Typography in general ... it's just something that I find aesthetically pleasing. 
• Spellcheck
• The Internet (well, not ALL of it, since there's some scary and bad stuff out there. But I do like the parts of it that I deal with. Social media, games, facebook, blogging, finding answers at a moment's notice, family history, ...)
• Coloring (the feel of a marker or gel pen under your hand? The smell of crayons? The whisper of a colored pencil gliding? It's pretty awesome.)
• Dancing ... especially when I was in shape.
• Swimming
• Lip gloss/lip balm
• Anime and other cartoons
• Those massage chairs at some nail salons
• When my house is clean
• Having more than 15% free memory on my phone
• Music
• Singing
• When you're pregnant and you can feel your little parasite (I say that lovingly) move inside your uterus.
• My Sunday School class
• Relief Society
• Girls Nights Out
• Chatting with friends
• Watching my youngest dance at her ballet class
• Snuggles with my son
• Chatting with my daughter
• Scented markers
• Naps

I'd put more, but MY SWEET BAYBEES are all awake and LOUDLY getting ready for school, so I can't think of much more around their energetic vocal ministrations. :P

But, hey, it's a start, right?

And a lot more things than those listed above make me happy. Those are just the ones that I thought about first.

Rambling Reaction (but not a heat-of-the-moment reaction ... more of a mule-this-over-for-a-bit reaction)

If you've been anywhere around social media during this last weekend, you've heard about the policy changes made by my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints).

I just need to get a brain dump made ... because I have thoughts. And I deserve a place to write them down.

Before I really start, I want to make it clear that I have friends with many, diverse opinions and lifestyles. And I know that it's my Christian duty to love everyone, regardless of age/sex/orientation/lifestyle/race/religion/whatever. In fact, I consider it an honor and privilege to have the opportunity to have these people in my life (even when I don't always understand their choices). Because, heaven knows, I'm not at all perfect myself. (Seriously, if you think that I am ... well, you're very sweet. And deluded. But I appreciate it. Please be aware that I am SO. VERY. NOT. perfect. I'm a total screw-up. But I'm working at it. Even if I leave myself LOTS of room for improvement.)

Point #1 - God loves ALL His children.

And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things. (1 nephi 11:17) -- See also this pamphlet - God Loveth His Children

He loves us perfectly, eternally, never removing any of His love from us. Jesus loves us. Again, perfectly. He was willing to give His life for us, to suffer more than any mortal being could possibly bear ... because He LOVES us.
Because He loves YOU and ME, He'd have been willing to atone for just a single one of us.
And, through His Atonement, He KNOWS EXACTLY how we feel, how we suffer ... There is nothing we go through that He cannot understand from OUR viewpoint. (And, since, unlike us, He does have a perfect knowledge of things, He understands us better than we understand ourselves.)

I KNOW that God loves ALL His children. ALL of them. EVERY SINGLE ONE.
When we make bad decisions, when we sin, He STILL loves us with a perfect love.
He is steadfast. He does not change.
We are the ones who, through our actions, either remove ourselves from Him or approach Him.

Still, there is NOTHING that we can ever do that would cause Him not to love us. Nothing.
His love is constant and unwavering. Because He is unchangeable. He is eternal.

Point #2 - We are not our temptations. Being tempted is not the same as sinning.
Think about it ... if Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the only perfect being to live on this earth ... if HE was tempted, why shouldn't we -- imperfect as we are -- suffer temptations as well?

Just because someone is tempted or has a proclivity towards a certain behavior that is not in keeping with the gospel, that doesn't mean that s/he is, inherently, a bad person.
If that were true, I'd be completely irredeemable (If I were my main sins, I'd be a gluttonous, slothful, vain, proud lazeabout. These attributes are things I need to work [VERY HARD] to overcome. I'm a work in progress. ... And, for the record, those are NOT my only sins. I've got quite the laundry list to choose from. That's why we have repentance. That's why we have the gospel ...).

We all have moral agency. We have the freedom to choose for ourselves -- to ACT, rather than be acted upon. When we are faced with temptations, we will always have a choice. And, our loving Heavenly Father will always provide a safe way for us to withstand it. If we choose to look for and follow it.

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

And, knowing that we are not perfect, He provided a Savior, Jesus Christ, to come to earth -- to teach us, to atone for us, to die for us -- so that we are able to overcome physical death (through the resurrection) and spiritual death (our separation from God's presence -- through repentance).
Jesus was willing. He chose to come to earth and to atone for us, as a sinless sacrifice, and to die for us.

As it says in one of our hymns (#193 - I Stand All Amazed),

"I marvel that He would descend from His throne divine to rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine, that He would extend His great love unto such as I, sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify. Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me! Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!"

Truly, it is beyond description ... He loves us so very, very much. And, whenever I think of this ... I don't have the words to state how awed, how grateful I am ... because it is not possible to comprehend that amount of love and compassion.

And Jesus Christ was willing to suffer for ALL our sins. Because He loves us. Because He wants us to ALL be able to return to His/our Father's presence. Because He considers US worthy of such pain, suffering, and sacrifice. EACH OF US. INDIVIDUAL. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

Point #3 - God loves us. He wants us to be able to return to His presence. So, not only did He send His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to atone and die for us; He also sends us, from the beginning of time, prophets to help guide us. Our prophets give revelation to the whole Church and the whole world.

"Surely the Lord God will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets." - Amos 3:7

Because God loves us, we have prophets and other leaders to help guide us, to teach us what we need to know, so we can progress and grow and develop those attributes and character that will help us to become more like our Heavenly Parents.

When we choose to be obedient, to make those sacrifices in our lives so that we can become more like our Heavenly Father, full of love, light, and knowledge, ... well, it's rather obvious that we draw closer to Him. And, by following the commandments that He gives us, through his prophets (both ancient [Moses, Abraham, Jesus, etc] AND modern [Joseph Smith, Jr., continuing through our living prophet today, Thomas S. Monson ... and whoever follows him], we are blessed.

Obedience is founded upon faith. And we are not to follow our leaders blindly ... we, in fact, are COMMANDED (though these same leaders) to seek for personal confirmation, from the Holy Spirit, through personal prayer and scripture study.

But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.

 But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me. (Doctrine and Covenants 9:8-9)

I know that when I follow the counsel of our prophet and the apostles, I am blessed. I KNOW this, because I've seen it happen over and over again in my life. I also see that when I make choices contrary to the commandments, I lose the presence of the Holy Spirit and his constant guidance.
Life is (overall) easier when I choose to follow the revelations given to us from God through his prophets.

So you'll understand my sadness over the reactions to the changes in Church policy ... and, truly, they aren't really changes ... CLARIFICATIONS is a better word for this.

The more that I think on this, the more that it is confirmed to me that this clarification of Church policy is for the GOOD of these sweet souls. It is to protect the family, ALL FAMILIES, from contention.

This will help children, especially young children, not to have to deal with very adult/advanced issues of reconciling the fact that their parents are living a life that is contrary to the gospel and eternal progression. (Bear with me on that. I'll explain. Pinkie-swears!) It will allow these children every blessing they have been promised ... it's just delayed.

And, yes, it's quite sad that these sweet souls will have to wait. However, it's just a small matter of time. And they WILL be able to receive those blessings.

And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours. 

And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more. (Doctrine and Covenants 78:18-19)

The Lord is aware of you. The Lord is aware of them. He will hold nothing back from them.
Rather like it's said in The Princess Bride, this policy cannot (indeed, does not) stop these individuals from receiving their promised blessings, it just postpones the delivery for a while.

We will face opposition in this life. Satan is striving to make it hard to tell what is good from what is not. And, I think in this case, he's working overtime.

So, back to the point that I promised to elucidate on ... The plan of salvation, or the plan of happiness. It has both names for a very good reason. Because if we follow the plan, we achieve both those results.

from http://courtneyaitken.blogspot.com/2013/01/plan-of-salvation-bookmarks.html

 Here's the plan of salvation, made simple (if you want to read more about it, follow the link in the caption. Courtney Aitken also has a backside for the bookmark FILLED with scriptural references.
You could also ask me. Or another LDS friend that you have. Or the missionaries. Or go to LDS.org and read about it there ... there's lots of options.

• Before we were born, we all existed as spirit children of our Heavenly Parents.
  Heavenly Father presented a beautiful plan to us -- one that would allow us to learn, grow, become more like Him, and return to His presence.
  To do this, we would be born in mortal bodies, on earth. We would have the opportunity to learn the commandments, prove ourselves by making good (or poor) choices, and make covenants with Him. 
• We would have need of a savior, knowing that we would make mistakes and sin.
  Jesus and Lucifer both offered to be that savior.
  Lucifer promised to return EVERY soul to Heavenly Father (which would require negating agency), if he received all the glory.
  Jesus offered to go, allowing us to have our own agency to choose for ourselves, and the glory would go to Heavenly Father (which is fair, since it was His plan, in the first place).
• Some spirits followed Lucifer and they were cast out -- Lucifer became Satan. Those other souls that followed him were not able to come to earth and get bodies. This is why they are damned -- they made it impossible for themselves to progress (just like a dam stops the flow of water in a river. At least, for the most part. But you get where I'm going with that analogy, right?)
• Jesus created this world for us. It is a beautiful place.
• Adam and Eve came here and were placed in the Garden of Eden. They, as we, were made to forget our pre-mortal existence. If we all remembered everything that we knew then, this life wouldn't be a true testing opportunity (and, as it is, what with the scriptures and prophetic counsel and personal revelation, it's quite an open-book test). They were tempted and chose to eat the fruit of knowledge of good and evil. This allowed them to become mortal, which enabled them to fulfill the first commandment of "multiply and replenish the earth."
  Also, just for what it's worth, we honor Eve as being very brave and selfless in this decision. Yes, it was a transgression ... but it was for a noble purpose. And Adam, as our first prophet, is quite worthy of admiration, too.
• Because of this, "The Fall," as we call it, where Adam and Eve were removed from God's presence (by having to leave the Garden of Eden), which is a spiritual death AND being made mortal (so they would die), we all had need of a savior. (Which we discussed a bit earlier).
• From the beginning of time, we have been blessed with prophets to help guide us. The Lord gives revelations to the prophets that apply to the whole world and the whole church. He loves us and wants to give us every opportunity to return to Him.
• Jesus came, in the meridian of time, to live here on earth, teach, serve, atone and die for us. Because of His sacrifices for us, we are able to repent (thus overcoming that spiritual death) and be resurrected (overcoming physical death).
• After we die, we will go to the spirit world, since our bodies and spirits will be separated (that's what death is). Those who did not have the opportunity to make covenants (baptism, receiving one's endowment, eternal marriage, etc), will have the opportunity to receive them through vicarious work done on earth (These covenants require a body to do them, you see. That's why our church is gung-ho about temple work, since the temple is the only place we can perform this service for those who've passed on). We all will be able to learn more and make some (slower) progress here in the spirit world.
• We will be resurrected. Our bodies will be immortal bodies, made perfect. (That isn't to say that we'll all be supermodels or bodybuilders ... but we'll have bodies that work perfectly, for sure.)
• After the resurrection, there will be a final judgement. We'll be judged for our choices (Now, if we've repented, God won't remember those sins. Neither will we). If we're worthy, we will be comfortable and confident in His presence. He will be able to welcome us into His presence.
  If we aren't worthy of his presences, we will go to a lesser kingdom. The Telestial Kingdom is the lowest. It's, pretty much, what we're dealing with here. The Holy Ghost can be here to teach and instruct.
  The Terrestrial Kingdom is better. You have to live a higher law than what's required for the Telestial Kingdom. Jesus will come to minister.
  If you want to receive all the blessings promised, then work to be Celestial Kingdom material. We will be in God's presence. We will be able to be with our eternal families. We will have the ability to progress and reach our overall goal of becoming like our Heavenly Parents.
  To qualify for the Celestial Kingdom, we need a few things:

1. Faith in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior
2. Repentance (We show remorse, make restitution, and work to change our character to overcome these sins that are keeping us from our eternal goals)
3. Baptism by immersion by the proper authority
4. Receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost (to, if we are worthy, be our constant companion as a comforter and guide) 
5. Enduring to the end by following the commandments and keeping the covenants that we make with our Heavenly Father

Yes, it is a trifle difficult to explain it all in one nutshell ... but, of everything in this world, it's the one constant that makes sense (at least to me. Per the 11th Article of Faith, you're free to believe and worship as you see fit. You have the moral agency to do so. We respect that).

But, okay, so we're working to be like Heavenly Father -- He is perfect, has an immortal body, is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-loving. Pretty awesome goal, right?

Another blessing that we can receive in this journey to become more like him is to have family bonds that are not ended with our deaths (e.g., "til death do you part.").
Through the power of the Melchizedek priesthood, we are able to be sealed to our families with an eternal bond. A husband and wife can be sealed together. Their children can be sealed to them. (If a husband and wife are sealed before their children are born, those children are born in the covenant, already sealed to their parents).
If we keep those covenants that we've made in the temple, we can be together forever as families.

That's the big reason for the Church's support of moral issues, like marriage between one man and one woman.
It's not because we don't love these other people. We do. We're commanded to. And, if we're being Christlike (like we SHOULD be), we WANT to love them ... and to make sure that they know that they're loved, valued, and cherished by our Heavenly parents.

Sadly, we don't know WHY same-sex attraction is given as a trial for some people.
I do know, though, that they are strong, worthy individuals who are capable of withstanding this temptation ... as we are all capable of withstanding being tempted ... through the power of Jesus Christ.
And if they, like we all do sometimes, fold? They are able to repent. Just like the rest of us.
If they choose to enter into a same-sex marriage, that is their choice. However, that marriage cannot be sealed through the Holy Spirit of Promise. It will end with their death ... and I find it terribly sad that they'd put so much time, effort, emotion, and energy into something that cannot be eternal.

Sometimes, our own choices affect more people than just ourselves.
Sometimes, due to our choices, other people will suffer.
This is yet another reason for the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
Through the Atonement, ALL wrongs will be made right. All sins will be forgiven. All hurts -- physical, spiritual, and emotional -- will be healed.
Oh, it is wonderful to me.

Will Heavenly Father hold back any blessing from them, if they actively seek those blessings?
No.
Because He LOVES us all.

And, knowing that Heavenly Father loves us, would he send us leaders who would lead the Church to withhold blessings and opportunities due to hate or bigotry?
NO.
So I KNOW that there are reasons of love behind this.
Because I KNOW that our prophet and apostles and all our other leaders are working to emulate Christ and His love for all God's children.

Just like how, because I love my children, I'm not going to condone them doing things that will hurt them.
I gave my kids the example of, "What if we bought a motorcycle? Are you allowed to ride it by yourself?"
"No."
"What if you did ride it by yourself? What would happen?"
"We'd get in trouble."
"Would it make sense for us to get rid of the motorcycle ... especially while you weren't allowed to ride it by yourself?"
"Yes."
"Would that be because we're being mean?"
"Well ... no, not really."
"Then why would we take it away?"
"So that we couldn't get in trouble."
"Exactly."

Just like how, when an individual is excommunicated from the Church, it's NOT because the leaders are wanting to be mean ... it's to allow the person to either continue the problematic choices without being under greater condemnation from the Lord for breaking (and continuing to break) covenants -OR- to allow the person to repent while protecting himself/herself from bigger punishments.

Does that sound like it's something done out of hate? Or a plan from a loving Heavenly Father through loving leaders?

To me, it's definitely the second. Because, even when a person is excommunicated or disfellowshipped, we have every hope and desire for them to return. We love and watch and wait. If they CHOOSE to repent and return, we rejoice. If they don't, we just love them while maintaining our standards and not condoning their actions.
Because we are all worthy of love.

Because Heavenly Father loves us all.

And because I KNOW that He loves us, I know that He would never do something just for the sole reason of hurting people. He will ask hard things of us, just like our earthly parents ask us to do things we'd rather not do (take out the trash/clean our rooms/etc) -- like we ask our kids to do ... because we know that it's (1) important for them to learn and/or (2) it's to help them develop into something better than they were.

I also know that, if ever it should occur that a prophet were to cause God's church to be led astray, He would TAKE THAT PROPHET OUT. And, there's the fact that this matter was discussed and agreed upon unanimously among 15 apostles and prophets. Do you know HOW HARD it is for even similar-minded people to agree completely? ...

Yes, my heart hurts for those who find this news hard to bear. I wish I had a way to make it so that they automatically felt loved and supported enough to wade through any doubts.

Still, regardless of this sorrow, I will not support those who try to tell me that this is an evil move, that our leaders are uninspired ... because everything points to the contrary.

The Family Proclamation was delivered just over 20 year ago. It is Church doctrine. It has not and will not change.

That doesn't mean that we are not under commandment to love everyone. Because we ARE.
But, if we choose to be politically-correct to the point where we eschew the teachings of God, given through His servants, we are putting ourselves (and those we influence) in danger.

So, TL;DR:

• The commandment to love everyone still stands. 
• We don't have to agree on everyone's actions. 
• I choose to support President Thomas S. Monson, our prophet, and the other God-appointed leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, as I have raised my arm to show my support. It makes me most sad when I hear/read others maligning our leaders for not bowing down to the demands of the world/being politically correct ... as if they really had a choice to do otherwise.
• I do not understand all things. But I will keep my covenants, because they are precious to me.
  I have too much to lose, otherwise. I treasure the fact that my family can be together forever.
• I wish that I could ensure that all God's children, my spirit brothers and sisters, received those blessings that come from making and keeping covenants with the Lord. Because they bring more than happiness -- they bring JOY. In this life and in the life to come. 
• And I want the best for you all. Because I do love you.
• If you desire those blessings, they CAN be yours, too. They may be delayed, but never denied. And you will be blessed for your patience. Because our Heavenly Father loves you.
  And it WILL be worth every struggle. 

If you have questions or if I need to better explain things in the rambling, oh-so-very-long post, please let me know.

Confliction ...

So, the Supreme Court has overturned the same-sex marriage ban in Oregon.

And I don't really know how to feel.

Personally, I am for civil unions with full legal rights for same-sex couples.
I don't think that they should be denied "rights" ... but I don't hold for calling it marriage.

I know that it's been revealed through multiple prophets that supporting same-sex marriage isn't good. That there are consequences. And it's in Satan's best interests to weaken families.

At the same point, I think that the world is sorely lacking in love. If it were up to me, no revelations given, I'd have that Queen Victoria quote as my motto ... you know, the one about "as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses."

(Of course, I don't think ANYONE should be naked/rutting in the streets. It's not polite.)

I am a little worried, though, about what this is going to do in regards to the separation of state vs. families.
If marriage becomes just some legal arrangement, we've removed a powerful barrier ... the government will have more power over individuals. (And that worries me, seeing as what's happened with a friend falsely accused of improper behavior. He wasn't allowed to be around his own children for MONTHS. It was horribly stressful for his family. ... And, at the end of it, Social Services never apologized for going overboard when there was no reason to in the first place. ... And his isn't the only story that I know of.)

So ... I am trepidatious.

I also have to agree with what a friend posted on facebook (for the record, she does support same-sex marriage) ... She pointed out that the majority of people have voted on multiple occasions AGAINST this. And the law that the people have supported has been overturned.
What if, she posited, the people voted FOR same-sex marriage over and over again. And the government overturned it. Would there be the same reaction?

I think there should be something for same-sex couples.
But, at the same time, we need to protect families.
Studies have shown, over and over, through decades of studies, that children benefit most in a loving home with a father and a mother. They need both. (I'm not saying that having two loving moms/dads would be worse than being raised in a home with antagonistic parents of different genders. That's silly.)
It seems that something, some compromise needs to be made.

And I just don't know what that is.

But it sets me on edge that I don't know.

But ... I just worry that we've set a slippery precedent that could allow our government (which, frankly, I don't feel that confident in. They can't even make/keep a stinking BUDGET. They argue over everything. They pass laws without even READING them ... What DO we pay them for??) more power over the people. And I can't support THAT.

If you are homosexual, please know that I don't hate you.
In fact, if you need a hug/would like a hug, I'm more than willing to give you one. 

I might not get your desires (just like I'm sure that you don't totally get why I've always been into guys), but I do get that it can be lonely when people don't always understand you.
Know that Heavenly Father loves you. And I do, too.
(In fact, ALL followers of Christ should be showing you nothing but love and compassion. But we, being mortal and fallible, aren't perfect. Please be patient with us as we learn to be more like our Lord, who showed us a perfect example of loving everyone, no matter what their sins. He even loves me ... and I'm continuously a screw-up.)

But, yeah. I can't be totally happy ... because I don't trust our government, really.

I hate being an adult. Politics make me feel jaded.

Guess I better turn in my ballot, huh? Just so that I feel like maybe I can try to make the world a better place. Or something.

Calm

So, I mentioned that I emailed the counselor my concerns ...

He called back.

The call is no longer extended to me.

I did apologize and tell him that I usually am not so high-maintanence. And that I do want to serve ... but that, from the moment I sent him the last email, I started to feel ... calm. Better. Not bursting into tears randomly.

But, yes, after he received the email, he talked to Bishop (and the other counselor, I'd suppose). They agreed that maybe this isn't the right time/calling/something.

And it has been rescinded.

And I still feel calm. Good. Not under-a-dark-cloud.

So, apparently, I'm not spiritually defunct. Which is nice to know.

... And, I somehow know that if they still felt impressed to have me in that calling, I could have managed. Somehow. But there's a reason that it wasn't right for me (or multiple reasons, who knows). But I felt calm no matter how I thought of things going. Still extended? That's okay. I turn it down outright? It's okay. They take it back? Still cool.

As soon as I finished the conversation, I finished reading bedtime stories to the kids and got them in bed.
Then I texted Michael. And I called my mom. I started a message to Jenny (since I had talked to her about it and promised to keep me posted). And I told the kids, since I had asked for THEIR input on it (hey, they've been with Heavenly Father more recently than I have. They might have some great insight, you never know. I figure that I might as well let them have some input. If I was put in that calling, it'd have affected them both a bit). Bruise was okay with the news. Bucket cheered a bit. Bubbles is still learning to talk, so it was hard to figure out her reaction, since their bedroom is a little dark.

But, yeah. It's strange to feel so calm. I usually am a nervous wreck.

... And part of me wonders if I'm due for my cycle, since my mantra the last couple days seems to be EAT ALL THE THINGS!! Or so it seems.

But, yeah. Things are okay. I'm okay.

Mulling it over

So, it's been a night since that latest fiasco ... and, like I told Michael and my mom, I'd bounce back enough.

The good thing about me is that, thankfully, part of being me is feeling things SO intensely (I'd be a good Gothic novel heroine that way) but I can get over it. I burn brightly but burn out quickly.

Of course, I also will deny that things are an issue ... until I end up sobbing over a movie, highlighting my abandonment issues. *humorless laughter*

But, for the most part, I'm pretty over this. I made my way through feeling horrible for making someone feel bad, to blinding rage because I really didn't do anything that wrong -- but my words/actions were quite misconstrued, to being really irked that someone who's known me for the vast majority of his LIFE couldn't give me the benefit of the doubt ... or at least be civil, to being frustrated that he couldn't at least make the decision to be civil, to being resigned and bummed that there's something obviously going on that he doesn't feel that he can let anyone in the ward know about.

I do keep thinking about things that I could have said differently in my response (which I KNOW that he's seen, since Facebook TELLS you if someone has seen it ... or has, at least, left their window open with the chat open).

Things like:

• Hey, I am sorry that you took what I said/wrote to be manipulative. That was not my intent at all.
  Maybe if that was your first response, you should have balanced out that feeling with your knowledge of me and my character. When have I tried to manipulate you in the past? Ever? No?
  Then why would you assume that I'd start now?
• Dude, what's up? I'm reading past your hurtful words that something is wrong. This isn't like you.
  The [Name] I know is an easy-going, happy guy with a great sense of humor. Something's up.
  As your friend, I would love to help. I like to fix things. I can't fix stuff (or even give it my best) without knowing what the problem is. Let me in, okay? ... Do you wanna build a snowman?
• I spent way too much time yesterday feeling horrible (that's my fault) for being a horrible person, since I do my darndest to not be manipulative. However, with some time to distance myself from the immediate situation, I have realized that (1) asking if a visit is convenient is not manipulative and (2) calling it manipulative was quite illogical and irrational. I was spending too much time feeling bad for being called something that wasn't true. Why would you say something that was so hurtful when it wasn't true?

I also thought about saying things like:

• THAT wasn't manipulative. If I were being manipulative, I'd have told you that you'd better be there for a visit or I'd have an anonymous source make a payphone call to the police that you're running a meth lab in your kids' bedroom. THAT WOULD BE MANIPULATIVE.
  Requesting a response? Not manipulative.
  You could have said "That doesn't work for us.", "I don't want a visit.", "Put us on the DNC list at church.", "My house is a mess.", "Take our names off the church records.", "You can't come over until you bring us a plate with six dozen cookies, including snickerdoodles and chocolate with white chocolate chips.", or a vast many other responses -- none of which resort to name-calling.
  If you would have responded to ANY of the other phone calls or voicemail messages that have been left by people OTHER THAN ME during the past year, do you think that I'd have been requested to contact you to even find out if you're alive? Being perfectly honest, my husband is more than irked that you've blown people off by not having the guts to even text back "I don't want visits. Leave us be." See? You can be cold and callous and impolite -- rude, even! --to people that aren't as close. That distance allows for that. But to do this to me? That's cold, man. And I know that it isn't you.
  Seriously, acting like that towards me is comparable to kicking a puppy. Because you know that I am  not a manipulative person ... at least, I work NOT to be. Coercion is not my bag, baby. 

I know that I shouldn't have let it get to me in the first place. Water off a duck's back, right?
But, well, when you get a response like that from someone you think you know, someone you've grown up with? ... Well, it makes me wish I were a little more psychopathic -- in the way that "Oh, I hurt someone's feelings. I didn't mean to. Oh well. Long hair, don't care"-type way.
(As opposed to plotting his revenge for years and taking that guy DOWN. Again, not my style.)

One of the good things, I guess, is that Michael had a PPI (Personal Priesthood Interview -- a 1:1 meeting with our bishop) last night. He showed Bishop the message I sent to [Name] and let him know what [Name] replied. ... And, well, Bishop M was surprised. So, well, I guess that means that I wasn't being manipulative (yeah, I need MULTIPLE witnesses. I mean, I figure that Michael would try to let me down gently, since I'm his wife and he knows how I can react. I figure that my mom would give it to me straight, but as gently as possible. For Bishop M to agree ... well, that helps, too ... Apparently, I just need lots of validation. I mean, I was about to email my RS President (who I work with a lot) to check. And my "Sis," who has seen me at my bests and worsts. I didn't ... but I really thought about it.) ... I mean, if Bishop read my message and was shocked at the coldly-vitriolic response, then I figure that it's not just me. That I really didn't make some horrible gaffe.

So, readers ... some of you have known me IRL for a while. Am I completely wrong?
If you think that I'm manipulative, I'd like to be aware. And I've asked for this ... I'll do my best not to get miffed if you tell me that I have done something manipulative. It'd be illogical for me to react that way to you. Since you're just giving me honest feedback that I've requested. And, if I'm not aware of my faults, how can I try to improve myself?

But I do feel better this morning ... especially compared to how crap I felt last night. Sleep is a good thing.

Update:
I did let his mom (who's known me since I was three) know what's up.
She confirmed that if he's lashing out, it's because he knows that he can't justify how he's not committed right now to anything church-related. But that she knows and I should know that I'm not the person [Name] is trying to frame me as. That I shouldn't waste any time feeling bad. ... And, coming from her, that does mean a lot. She was my main Seminary teacher, so she saw me in the early mornings nearly every school day for about three years. Besides seeing me just about every Sunday for around 15 years.
It does make me feel better ... and lets me know more of what's up. And I appreciate that.
So ... I should just say my prayers. And let this storm blow over.
Since, she points out, love and concern are not the same thing as manipulation.
Phew.

For the Record

So, I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Otherwise stated as, "I'm Allanna. And I'm a Mormon."

With the recent brouhaha about how SOME people think that Frozen has some "gay agenda" or whatever ... let alone how many times people state that "the Mormon church HATES gays" or whatever (Seriously, I've only been a attending this church since I was three ... so it's been nearly 30 years, you don't have to TELL me what I'm "supposed to" believe. ... Some people's children ... *rolls eyes* Bless their hearts).

I just want to state, for the official record of this blog ---

YOU ARE LOVED.
Heavenly Father loves you. Regardless of your beliefs, your choices, your actions, ... race, religion, gender, nationality, whatever ... it doesn't matter to Him. He loves you.
Jesus loves you. Same deal there ... He loves you just as much as anyone else.
Nothing is ever going to change that.
Any person proclaiming to follow Jesus Christ should also strive to love all people and to treat them as Jesus would want them to be treated.
YOU ARE LOVED.

People are not perfect. Sometimes we fail.
There are times that I am NOT AT ALL Christlike.
That does not change the fact that you ARE loved; that you should be treated with respect; that you are a valuable person.

Now, as I said, none of us is perfect. We will all make mistakes. We will all sin.
Even though Heavenly Father will not always approve of every choice we make, He still loves us.
He still loves YOU.

Sometimes people will have opinions which are contrary to the teachings of Jesus Christ or to prophetic counsel/revelations. Even if it is a wide-held, pervasive belief or practice, it doesn't make it right OR official church stance.

And this is not, by any means, limited to homosexuality.

I have friends who have found that being a member of the LDS Church to be a difficult situation.
They have been judged unfairly and unkindly by some brothers and sisters.

Regardless, I think the world would be a very different, for the better, place if we could all just employ a little (or a lot) more love and patience in dealing with those around us.

The saying is old, and a little trite, that we should "Be kind. For everyone is fighting a hard battle."
And it's true that we all have a different perspective on ... well ... nearly everything!
That's what makes this world such a great and interesting place.

Just know, that if I've ever done or said anything that has offended or hurt you, I'm sorry.
I wouldn't want you to be hurt because of me.
(I'll admit that I don't condone every choice or behavior that people can make. But I will do my darndest to show you love and respect. Because you deserve that. And, even when I do my best, I know that I'm more than likely to mess up sometime.)

Also, if anyone else has offended you ... like they say in "Frozen," "Let it go."
Not because the person deserves to be let off the hook ... but because life is too short for you to waste your time and energy on feelings that hurt YOU.
If you can, pray for them.
Even if you can't do that, look around the world and find something good.
Concentrate on that.

If nothing else, this is a standing offer: Come to me. Chat me up. And I will tell you something good about yourself. If we're in person, I'll even give you a hug.

I just don't want anyone to feel alone, unloved, unvalued.
Because, truly, you are not any of those things.

You are loved. More than you know.
You are precious.
You're not alone ... even at the times that you might feel the most alone. 

Even if you don't believe in God or anything like that ... just know that we are all in this together. 

Okay?
Just know that you count.
It's totally true.
No matter who you are.
You count.
You matter.
You are loved.
You are important.
You are deserving of appreciation and respect.
It is not always easy, this life ... but you are strong.

And, if anyone tells you any different, I will have to REALLY PRAY for them
(so that, if I meet them in person, I will not kick them in the face. Because that's assault. And I'm too pretty for prison. Also, it's not Christlike at all. So I shouldn't do that. ... Unless they're trying to hurt me or my people. And you're totally one of my people. See? I told you that you're important!!)

To Bruise and Bucket, as you are almost eight

Today is the day before you turn eight.
It's a pretty big deal.
You're reaching the age of accountability. I'm going to raise my expectations for you.

Both of you, I need you to THINK.
Think before you act.
Think before you speak.
Think of what would be a good decision for you. What will be best in the long run?

There are a few weeks before you're baptised. This is a great time to consider our Savior and his sacrifice. Jesus chose to suffer in the Garden of Gethsemane and to suffer and die on the cross for YOU.
You as an individual. Because He loves YOU just that much.

Dad and I love you, too.
Even when you don't pick up your stuff (but we love it when you choose to pick up your things and leave the rooms you've been in cleaner than how you found them).

Bruise, in a few short years, you're going to receive the Aaronic priesthood. This will allow you to serve in ways that you haven't before. Please honor your priesthood power. Remember that you are a son of God. You have amazing talents and He put you here on Earth, exactly where you are, for a reason.
Dad and I love you. We want to help you grow and learn to be your best self.

I am amazed at how much you've grown. I can still see you, in my memory, how I first met you. Barely a minute old, they showed you to me after our ordeal of labor and delivery. As soon as I saw your face, I knew that we had named you correctly. I didn't get to hold you until the next day, but you've never held that against me.

You are the sweetest boy I know. You can be sensitive. You can be a goofball. You love to laugh. You love to create and imagine. You are kind to your sisters. You seem to have a song in your heart at all times. Sometimes, you are so insightful that I have to catch my breath. I am thankful for you.

Happy day before your eighth birthday, Bruise. I love you.
    Mom



Bucket, you are quickly (sometimes a little too quickly!) growing into a wonderful young lady. Please always remember, no matter how others treat you or what the media says, that you ARE a daughter of God. You have divine potential and infinite worth, that the most lovely girls are those with souls that radiate beauty.
Develop your many talents ... if you work on them, you'll never be bored. Especially if you develop your talent of service.
Heavenly Father had you come to Earth at this time, in this place, for a reason. And we're glad that you have. You are so special to us. We love you very much. And, because of that, we want to help you to learn and grow to be the best person you can be.

Often, as I look at you, I start to see you all-at-once. You're your newborn self, rolling your eyes as I feed you for the first time. You're your sweet toddler self with your impish grin. You're your child-self as you are now -- happy and silly and confident. I also catch glimpses of you as your future self, a teenager, a mother.

You are clever. Sometimes even too clever for your own good. You give me glimpses of what I put my mother through ... and that gives me proof of how much your Mutti loved/loves me that she let me live. (I love you, dear girl. Even when you are driving me crazy. Sometimes, you are too much like me. I still love you.) You have a love for (nearly) all God's creations. You have a love for learning. When you think nobody is looking, you dance with a grace that I adore. You have wonderful artistic talent that amazes me. I am thankful for you.

Happy day before your eighth birthday, Bucket. I love you.
     Mom



Bubbles, you're not turning eight.
Not for another six years and nearly two months. Thank you for that.
But you don't make it easy to write sentimental letters to your siblings while sitting/climbing in my lap. Though, your opera-babble is quite entertaining.

Thank you for being little still. And for being cuddly.
And thank you for making me laugh by going and laying down next to Freyja-cat and tickling her. It's a good things she loves you enough to put up with that.
 I love you, too, Bubbles.
         Mom

Hey jealousyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ...

So, I came to the realization that the reason why I was so down yesterday and why I'm taking this so hard is that ... well, that friend doesn't seem to be taking this distance that hard.

I know that she's busy and has every right to be happy and have her own friends and a life that doesn't depend upon my friendship being there.
(Only child problem #1: Realizing that it's NOT always all about YOU.)

But, dang it, it sucks for me. Because I have to realize that this isn't all about me.

And that -- as satisfying as it would be for her to look/sound as miserable as I feel -- isn't being at all realistic.

So ... I have to admit to myself that I had more invested into that relationship than maybe I should have.

Not that I've ever BTDT before. Oh no.
(Oh, yes. Like, nearly, EVERY crush I had before Michael. Ha ha ha. Bad habits die hard, right?)

So, yeah. I seem to have lost a sister-friend. And I'm just going to have to put on my (proverbial, not literal) big girl panties and DEAL with it.

Because, I have to face it: there are things in life that suck.
This, apparently, is one of them.

I have other friends who still love me. I have family that loves me. It's not like I'm some friendless orphan without any resources of my own or anything literarily tragic like that.

I can deal with this.
Apparently, it's going to take MONTHS and MONTHS to do it.

BUT. I'm just going to keep telling myself that "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and -- DOGGONE IT! -- people LIKE me!"
(Maybe more or less than I might deserve ... but I'll take it.)

In other news, I woke up feeling a lot better.
(Having a cry while actually ADDRESSING my FEELINGS and managing to put some stupid, tundra-esque storm into words with Michael, who sagely made Firefly-quote proclamations, did help. As did sleep. And prayer. ... I guess I just needed to find a reset button. Crazy body with  its brain full of FEELS.)

I should totally clean up the house. And I'll make an effort ... around a couple errands that NEED running today.
And I might paint Mom's and my toes. Something happy and bright and fun.
If I didn't have Bubbles, who isn't the best as sitting still for an hour or so, I'd take Mom to see Austenland ... if it's still at a local theater.

But ... yeah. I'm going to be okay.

And, obvs, I'm not immune to jealousy or the mean reds or all that.
As much as I'd like to be able to pretend that I'm totes all over that ... but it wouldn't be honest.
So ... yeah.

Today is another (hopefully better) day.

Mortality Check

A girl who was in my ward (and then moved, but was still in the area) was killed in a car accident yesterday evening.

I'm a bit blindsided by this.

It's not like she and I were bffs or anything ... with a baby, it's a bit difficult to be as social as I used to be.
But I knew her a bit. Not as well as I probably should have.

All I can think is, "I helped her move."

She was ten years younger than I am.
She'd only been married for a couple years.
She was on the honor roll at the local community college.
She was quiet.
She was kind.
She was always very sweet.
She was willing to serve at the drop of a hat.

In my calling at church, I had asked her on a few occasions to take a meal over to a family (either someone was ill or had recently given birth) or to help pack/clean. And she'd fit it into her schedule.

 ... Like I said ... I feel taken aback and at a loss.

Just some random car accident ... It seems that no one else (of the three cars involved) was seriously injured.
But, by the time that responders arrived, ... she was gone.

I hope that her husband is doing okay.

I first met them as newlyweds ... and it doesn't seem like that long ago, at all.

I mean, I know that she's okay. She's not in pain ... she doesn't have to worry about finals or student loans ...
... But, well, the thing about people dying ... it's sad because it's HARD for the rest of us.

I know she'd have been a wonderful mother.
I suppose that she and her husband were planning on children. ... And those plans are on hold.

He's going to be so lonely. And that is sad.
Very sad.

So ... if you wouldn't mind saying a prayer (or lighting a candle/incense or sending positive energy or whatever) for her family and husband to be comforted ... for those who knew her to be comforted, I'd take it as a kindness.

Happy birthday to ... me!

Yes, yes ... today is my birthday. I'm officially 32 (even though I have until this evening to have been out of the womb a full 32 years.

People ask me if I have any big plans ... and, no, not really.

The kids did tell me "happy birthday" today ... but only barely before they left for school.
(What can I say? My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic IS a bit more exciting!)

But I did get some presents --

• My Grampy sent me a card (and a check). I made sure to get a thank-you note for him into the mail so he won't worry.
• Mom got me some nail polish (that I picked out) and some monetary help towards our upcoming family vacation (Shh!! The kids don't know!)
• Dad gave me some money when we were down visiting last. And he and L sent up a card with a little more money. Made me smile.
• Mom and Dad C gave me a little gift bag (that I opened this morning) containing three nail polishes, some nail stickers, and a gift card to a local beauty supply shop. How sweet!
• And, not to be outdone ... this is what Michael gave me:

If you can't tell what it is, it's a pair of tickets to attend a lecture by NEIL "SCARY PANTS" GAIMAN.
Included in the ticket price is a copy of his new book, which he will be discussing.

YEAH. I will be IN THE SAME ROOM as NEIL GAIMAN.

I can only hope that, if I have a chance to have my book signed, that I don't act like a total lackwit.
At least Michael will be there, too, to stop me from doing anything too dumb, right?

Bucket, at first didn't get why these tickets were cool.
But I explained it in terms she understood --

Me: He's an author. You remember The Graveyard Book? With Bod?
Bucket: Yeah ... a bit.
Me: And Coraline?
                    She and Bruise LOVE the movie. We need to buy the book.  Bucket: OH!!! YES!!!!
Me: So he's the one who wrote those. And other books. And these tickets are to go hear him talk. AND they come with his new book, too! We'll get his new book.
Bucket: Will that be our new story-story (our term for bedtime story)?
Me: ... Um ... I think that this is a grown-up book. Not all his books are for kids.
Bucket: Oh. Okay.

But, yeah ...

It WAS a surprise. Michael was looking on his phone just the other day ... and remarked that it was all sold out. (Due to our upcoming vacation, I knew that tickets would probably sell out before we would get a chance to buy them.)
And I was resigned to the fact that we wouldn't make it. (We've missed other things, too. And We've survived. Somehow.)

So, this morning, Michael texts me from work --

Michael: Did you open your gift?
Me: The one from your mom? No, not yet. I need to open the card from Grampy ... and mail him and [J - his wife] a thank-you.
Michael: The one at your computer!
(I look around ... and notice something taped to the top of my monitor, dangling behind it.)
Me: Oh! It was mostly behind my monitor, so I hadn't noticed it!
...
Squeeeeeeee!!! Oh my gosh! I thought they were sold out?
(I was very surprised. And, until I started tearing up, I didn't realize how much I really DID want to go!)
Michael: [Bucket] must have moved it back. It was behind your monitor last night. ... They were [sold out]. But not on the 3rd.

And he had already arranged babysitting ... so we'll go up and play the whole day in Portland. Yay!

(Also - It's at the Crystal Ballroom! I've only wanted to go there for, what, the last sixteen or so years! Ever since my Drama teacher told us about it, I thought it'd be cool to go there ... and NOW I WILL!)

I made sure to thank him for spoiling me (and not JUST with authors and books).
Seriously, I wish that every girl had a spouse as thoughtful and awesome as I have!
(Wouldn't the world be a much better place?? And the boys all need awesome spouses, too. But I think they'd need to be better spouses than I am. I leave a lot of room for improvement.)

--------------

Today's Book of Mormon reading was Mosiah 4:4-15.

The last three verses stuck out to me most ... about how to treat others and raise our children.
The most important things in raising children (in these verses) are:

But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another. (Mosiah 4:15)

And I see how that would really help ... It goes along the lines of love God, love everyone, and show your love through your actions.
If we're teaching our children (and loving them, too, through our actions), we will take care of them and provide for them as Heavenly Father provides for us. They will learn to recognize His love ... and will be able to pass that love to everyone around them.

And, well, wouldn't that make the world a MUCH better place?

I try to teach Bruise and Bucket (and, to a lesser extent, for now at least, Bubbles) to love everyone.
You don't have to LIKE what they're doing.
But you DO need to love and respect them as children of God.
People can be mean. They can say and do awful things ... BUT ... more often than not, when people aren't nice, it's because they are hurting inside.

And when people lash out at you, with harsh words or unkindness, you have two choices.

1. You can be mean right back
   OR
2. You can kill them.
   WITH KINDNESS!!!
   (Not like with manslaughter. That's illegal and mean and a sin. Don't do that.)

Yes, I did give my kids, as we drove around yesterday, those two options as what to do when people are being mean to you.

"KILL THEM??"
"Yes. WITH KINDNESS. You just be kind to them and be nice to them WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT."

Yup, that's top parenting right there.

It did make me sad that we had to have this particular conversation ... Bucket's been having to deal with girl-drama at school and at the bus stop.

A girl in the neighborhood called Bucket a liar (Bucket said she knew one person in the neighborhood, but didn't know his name to prove it ... and the other girl was like, "You can't know him! He's OUR next-door neighbor!" .... Whereas, in our household, we use the term a little more loosely ... anyone on our (short) road is, to us, a neighbor. Not that we know all of them ... which we should work on, yes?) ... And another neighbor girl told the younger girls that they were annoying.
(I had to tell Bucket that So-and-so wasn't "a brat" ... She was ACTING like a brat. ... Because, well, I don't always like labels. It's too easy to internalize bad labels. But I'm TOTES DOWN with labelling actions.)

Then, at school, two girls told Bucket that she's ugly and her clothes are ugly.
I just have to roll my eyes at this one ... but, yeah. Sometimes girls are just weird. And not in the cute, kooky, Zooey Deschanel-type way ... but in the "THE HELL are you THINKING?!?"-type way.

And, seriously, these are First Graders ... can't we still be nice and share our graham crackers at this age?

... But ... yeah. So, like I told her, either you can NOT be their friend and avoid them, you can be mean and snotty back, or you kill them with kindness by treating them how Jesus wants us to treat each other. He was kind to people, even when they weren't kind to Him. There are choices. And, if you want to be His disciple, it helps to narrow down your choices.

Still, it makes me SAD that these girls (and other people) seem to figure that the only way to make themselves feel better is to hurt/degrade other people.
So, I made sure to tell Bruise and Bucket that, when I'm having an off day and I have to be around people, one of my tricks to feeling better is to smile at a stranger.
And here's my secrets behind that:

1. Smiling, just the ACT of smiling, releases endorphins. Just like Elle Woods says.
   
2. Almost all people, when smiled at, will return that smile. And when you see that smile, you know that they are happy.
3. So you feel even happier because you've made someone else happy!

(I also will give an honest compliment. Sometimes, the surliest/saddest-looking individual will be completely chuffed when you compliment her awesome haircolor. ... And, face it, doesn't it feel GOOD when someone tells you that your new haircut looks amazing? Or that you look great in a certain color? ... Why not BE the stranger (or friend) that GIVES those compliments? ... I figure that if I can make ONE person feel better about him/herself, that's one less person being sad. And there is MORE THAN ENOUGH pain, suffering, and sadness in this world. Let's get happy. ... Because, face it: happy, appreciated people who feel noticed, valued, and cared about don't do things to tear down other people (or commit crimes, I'd bet).
Caring isn't a bad thing. So, why don't we care a little more?)

But, yeah ... that's most of what I have to say.
I've done a load of dishes, refreshed the laundry, ... I should practice my German and Spanish (Yay, Duolingo!) ... and be ready for the kids to come home in a couple hours.

And be so proud of me because I am dressed. I know. Sometimes I amaze myself. >.<

Weighing in ... but not in physical-type weight...

So ... I went on a bit of a limb, Facebook-wise ...

And I had the indigestion to prove it.
(Go fig, I can sing on a stage in front of hundreds of people without much issue. But state my opinion/beliefs? Yeah ... Not the most effective missionary, huh?)

So, I posted this --

http://middle-agedmormonman.blogspot.com/2013/03/simplify-my-thoughts-on-marriage.html

I think this sums up most of how I feel on this issue. I love my brothers and sisters, regardless of lifestyle ... or any other form of difference. 
I may not be at my most eloquent right yet ... so bear with me, please.
I could talk about how allowing the courts to decide who is or is not allowed to marry is NOT something that I could support (Seriously, do we really trust our courts that much? When people get awarded millions for spilling coffee on themselves or having to eat dog food when they get stuck in a house they BROKE INTO?). (See also: http://www.christianpost.com/news/gay-marriage-social-experimentation-and-legal-precedent-92041/)

I do believe that our homosexual brothers and sisters should have all the rights that a married heterosexual couple have, under a civil union. I believe that they shouldn't be bullied for having same-sex attraction.

I also believe, as this blog states, that God still loves us all and, ergo, speaks to all His children today.
That He knows best.
That He's expressed an opinion.

I support the leaders of the church (who've also said that we need to show so, so much love to ALL children of our Heavenly Father. And that, just because someone might do something or act in a way contrary to the commandments, it is NO EXCUSE to treat them with anything other than the love that Jesus Christ has for all of us).

I wish I knew of some easy and fast fix that would result in everyone being happy. I was hoping that recognized civil unions might be it ... Apparently it's all or nothing. Which tears at my heart, to be honest.

I understand that not all of us see eye-to-eye on this. And that's one of the great things about having agency and the ability to choose for ourselves. I respect your opinion on this whole issue. Like I've said, I feel torn about it. Part of me sees it like Queen Victoria's quote (about not scaring the horses). But, there's also the fact that I can't go against what I know is true. It wouldn't be honest to myself or God.

And don't be speaking about how "my God" is a god of hate. He's not. If you want to know what has been said lately, go here (instead of taking other people's words for it. Would you take a cat person's opinion about dogs at total and complete fact? Really?): http://www.mormonsandgays.org/
(Spoiler: The main message is "Love One Another." Not "we hate everyone who is different.")

 And, even though a good deal of my friends are LDS, I know that I have a lot who aren't.
And, even among the LDS friends I have, there are some that don't share my exact opinion on things.
And I can handle that ... Life would be BORING if everyone was exactly the same.

Most of the comments that I got were decent and sharing an opinion that differed in some bit.
(One idea that I am totally in favor of -- Let EVERYONE get civil unions that offer all the protections of a currently-defined marriage. THEN, those who want a church-ordained marriage can have one in addition. Like how England demands that EVERYONE get married in the Church of England. Then, for LDS couples, they go to the temple to be sealed. I think this would be suitable and satisfy the majority.)

However, one of my friends (I like him. He's smart and he's funny. I respect his opinion ... though, as you'll see, we don't see eye-to-eye on everything. Also, I like him even though he doesn't care at all for C.S. Lewis. But, well, it takes all kinds.) lambasted my post. He said that since The Church was at all involved with Prop 8, that it should have its tax-exempt status revoked. He was ... harsher than I would have anticipated.

I don't LIKE to upset my friends.
It sucks to have an opinion that others (in general) mock.
I'm NOT a homophobe ... I like PEOPLE. And I don't think that people should be classified solely by what they choose to do with their sexual organs. Heck, I don't really CARE what one chooses to do with one's equipment. As long as you are relatively kind and have some semblance of a sense of humor, I'm totally on your team!

A FOAF (friend of a friend) put it really well on Facebook:

Here are my thoughts on gay marriage. Please try not to get offended and try to see where I am coming from. 
I think this argument started a long long time ago when marriage became more political and about property than it is about what God set it up to be. According to the Bible, God set up marriage as a three way covenant between man, woman and God. I don't think this definition of marriage would interest many gay couples. But when marriage became political it became about rights, and the three way covenant was pushed aside. I, and I am pretty sure a huge majority of LDS members, agree that all people should have equal rights regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation or gender. We have said many times that we have no problem giving them those rights in a civil union. But marriage, which used to be Gods, has already been taken and belongs to government. So of course religious people are getting upset when you take a core belief of theirs and change and reinterpret it as something it was never meant to be. A lot of this mess is our fault (traditional religionists) because we let the covenant of marriage leave the faith world and enter the political and now we are trying to get it back too late.

Now I have been too long winded to express how much I love and admire many of my gay and lesbian friends. I do not think I am above them or better than them in any way. I do want them to have all the rights I do. But it is difficult for me to understand how a person can think a gay lifestyle is okay and still believe in the Bible. And then, it is difficult for me to understand how one can believe in the Bible and still feel it is okay to make a covenant with God in a way that He has clearly stated is wrong and not have it feel like mockery. Let me be clear that I know that no one, especially me, is perfect and follows Christ perfectly. But doing something wrong and calling it wrong is different that calling it right.

The bottom line is, I don't think government has a right to have ANY say in marriage at all but we have already let it get its sticky fingers on it. I hope we can find a solution that works for everyone.
Now I have been too long winded to express how much I love and admire many of my gay and lesbian friends. I do not think I am above them or better than them in any way. I do want them to have all the rights I do. But it is difficult for me to understand how a person can think a gay lifestyle is okay and still believe in the Bible. And then, it is difficult for me to understand how one can believe in the Bible and still feel it is okay to make a covenant with God in a way that He has clearly stated is wrong and not have it feel like mockery. Let me be clear that I know that no one, especially me, is perfect and follows Christ perfectly. But doing something wrong and calling it wrong is different that calling it right. 
The bottom line is, I don't think government has a right to have ANY say in marriage at all but we have already let it get its sticky fingers on it. I hope we can find a solution that works for everyone.

I think that she's put it beautifully ... and yes, marriage has now been (for far too long) bastardized into some political/property thing.
But ... at its heart and creation, it's a covenant between a man, a woman, and God.

I have no problem, myself, with homosexual couples.
It's not like they're schtupping in front of me ... Therefore, it's none of my business.

(I have the same opinion in regards to people who have premarital sex. It's not what we've been commanded to do. BUT, they're still children of God. Most all of them are wonderful people. As long as they're not schtupping in front of me or my kids? It's not an issue that I'm going to focus on. I have enough sins of my own ... I'll work on those first.)

I also like how Eli over at It Gets Stranger covered his take on the issue: http://www.itjustgetsstranger.com/2013/03/about-that.html

I have friends who identify as homosexual or even bisexual. It doesn't bother me.
I have no issues with homosexual couples ... I think that Neil Patrick Harris and his partner or George Takei and his partner or Ellen DeGeneris and her partner (the girl from Arrested Development) are all adorable and wonderful people. I would love to have any of them as neighbors and/or personal friends.

I think, though, that this marriage discussion is broken.
I do want a solution that can make most everyone happy.
I just don't know how that's going to happen ... and maybe it won't happen until Christ comes again.

Oh ... and when people go and quote random laws from Leviticus and Deuteronomy as proof of how dumb those laws are and why aren't folks up in arms about THOSE laws instead of just being upset about same sex marriage?
Well, IF one reads the New Testament, the reason we don't follow those laws is the same as why we, as Christians, eat pork and shellfish.
The Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ fulfilled the law of Moses.
Christ gave us a higher law to follow ... Those that followed Moses were incapable of following these laws at the time (That's why Moses had to go get the ten commandments ... and why they had to wander in the desert for SO. DANG. LONG).
So ... yeah.

We do still follow the ten commandments ... but first, we love God and love our neighbors (i.e., EVERYONE. Even if they do stuff that we don't agree with 24/7... Heck, I sometimes do stuff that makes me regret knowing myself. Still have to love myself, though. I am a daughter of God ... and He thinks that I'm lovable.)

Yeah, I just want everything fixed.

Yet ... what am I doing about it?
Besides kvetching on my blog?

Yeah, I just don't know.

I just know that, whoever you are, you deserve to be loved.
And that I do love you ... might not always like what you choose to do ... but you are loved.
Heavenly Father loves you ... and if you choose not to believe in Him, I still love you. So you still are loved.

Musings

I spent the majority of yesterday feeling sad ... like two steps from tears.

It's just so ... I just don't want to believe that anything like that COULD happen, let alone that it DID happen.

My Facebook feed is full of people expressing their sorrow and compassion for the children and school personnel who were killed, and their support of the families and community involved. There are pledges being made to hug our own children more ... as there are many families that aren't able to do so.

There are people making calls for stronger gun laws (however, where it happened, the state gun laws are stronger than most).
I maintain that it's important that we have our Second Amendment rights ... Now, do we need, as a civilian population, to have assault rifles? Probably not.
I also maintain that these last two shootings are proof of how our nation is failing at handling mental health issues. If we removed the stigma AND increased the availability of care (especially emergency care), events like these might be avoided.

But the posts on Facebook that hurt most are the ones that ask "How can people believe that there's a loving God if He lets things like this happen. And then people say it's God's will. If there was a God, wouldn't He stop these things before they even start?"

And ... well, that's where faith does help. Even during a trial of faith.

If you don't believe in God, an event like this is harder to handle.

• Men and women who invested a lot of energy and emotion into their offspring have an empty return.
• They'll never see each other again.
• Chemical imbalances (or something) along with the existence of firearms results in the unpreventable loss of life.
• Etc.

Now, I can see why people will ask how God could allow this to happen.
And, with my understanding of the gospel, I can start to make an explanation. However, since I don't know everything, it is a limited explanation.

• We have a loving Heavenly Father. He is all-knowing and all-powerful.
• We are His spirit children. He loves each and every one of us. He wants the best for us.
• It is important to Him that we have a mortal experience, to be tested and tried, so that we can learn to be like Him. Eventually, we will have opportunity to be like Him, truly.
• As part of this mortal experience, we must have the ability to discern between good and evil. We need to be able to make choices, to have free agency.
  Without the ability to choose for ourselves, we cannot learn.
• Every one of His children who comes to earth has the same gift of free agency.
• Our choices have the potential to affect others ... it's not only having an effect on ourselves.
• The effect of others' choices often gives us important learning experiences ... and we should take the opportunities for learning and growth when offered (or else there will be other, tougher lessons ... since we do NEED to learn and grow).
• Heavenly Father also knew that we all would make poor choices, at one point or another. We would sin. And that sin would separate us forever from Him, as a spiritual death. We also would, with our mortal bodies, be subject to physical death.
  He knew that to overcome spiritual and physical death, we needed a savior.

When, in the preexistence, before any of us came to earth, there was a council in Heaven. Heavenly Father presented this plan, where we could grow to become like Him.
When He told us that a redeemer was needed, two of His children volunteered.
Lucifer proclaimed that he would make everyone be good. No one would ever be hurt or sad. No one would ever sin. Everyone would return to Heavenly Father. ... And, in return, Lucifer would receive the glory for his part of the plan.
Jesus also volunteered. He would allow us the freedom to choose, knowing that there would be consequences for those choices. There would be pain and sadness. ... However, he would come to earth and take the effects of our sins upon himself. He would suffer and die for us so that we could repent and live with our Heavenly Father again.

As I said above, we needed to have the freedom to choose for ourselves. Without the ability to choose, how could we learn? How could we prove, to ourselves, that we can be like our Heavenly Father?

And (as you probably know. Or deduced), Jesus was chosen.
There were other spirit children who followed Lucifer as he rebelled. They were cast out ... they never received mortal bodies. They are unable to progress ... they are damned. They, however, do hae the power to influence those of us with mortal bodies. They, along with Lucifer (now Satan), have the power to tempt us, to lead us astray.
They are miserable with the knowledge of what they gave up ... Their goal is to prevent us from progressing, to prevent our return to Heavenly Father's presence.

Jesus came to earth as the Messiah. He came humbly, born to a virgin, in a stable. His bloodline was that of the king of the Jews. He lived a sinless life, with the power and ability to bless, to command nature. He taught, through his sinless example, how we should live. He withstood temptation. He was hated and mocked by some. Others followed him and his teachings.
And, in time, he prayed for us in the garden of Gethsemane. He took upon himself all the sins of all the worlds, creating an infinite Atonement.
He was beaten and mocked and crucified for no crime. He allowed himself to die.
After three days, he was resurrected. He appeared to those he loved ... he proved that he was alive be eating and by letting them touch him. He then appeared to his followers on the other side of the earth -- He blessed them and established his church in the Americas. Then He returned to His father's presence, having completed all the work He was sent to do.

And He will come again. And when He does, it will be good.
We know, from the writings of the prophets (ancient and modern), that the world is going to be a complete mess. And, well, it's pretty much there.
So ... we just need to keep the faith and stay strong. This will end and we have wonderful things to look forward to.

Because of the Atonement, everything will be made right in the end.
Justice demands a price ... and it will be met.
Mercy is made possible through Jesus's suffering. If we allow Him, through our faith in Him, and by repenting, He takes upon himself the effects of our sins. We pay a much lower price as he takes our stripes for us.
Through His death and resurrection, we are able to overcome death. We will be made perfect. We can be reunited with our loved ones.
We also have the blessings that come from the covenants that we make in the temple ... that our family bonds are not broken upon death. Heavenly Father's plan for us is not "til death do you part," but eternal. Families can be together forever.

These are huge and wonderful blessings that are offered to us.

And ... that is how I know that we have a loving God.
Yes, He allows us to choose for ourselves. Because He loves us.
Yes, bad things will happen to everyone. That does not mean that he does not love us.
(Think of it this way -- would you appreciate your parents putting you in a bubble and monitoring every move made around you, picking out all your friends, what you can read, what you can think? Even if you knew that it would prevent anything bad happening to you? Really? ... If so, then maybe you're better than I am. I have an independent streak.)
AND, because He knows that bad things happen ... and that we bring some of them upon ourselves ... and that our choices and actions do affect others, He has made it possible for everything to be made right.

And, when you think of the horrible, terrible choices that others make that affect so many others, you have to remember that Heavenly Father allows them to make choices and doesn't kill them off as soon as they have a bad thought BECAUSE He is giving them the opportunity to repent. To come back on their own. To try and  make things better/right.

There are awful things that happen. People are killed, tortured, raped, beaten ... and many, many other things  happen. Miscarriages. Sexual Abuse. Bullying. Natural disasters.

Heavenly Father doesn't allow these things to happen because He doesn't care.
He allows them to happen ... even though I know that it causes Him intense sorrow to see his children doing these things to each other.
It's not because he can't stop it ... He allows us to make our choices. Even when it's not what He wants us to do or when He knows that it's something we shouldn't do.

But ... there is always hope.
He sent His son to make things right.
Everything will be made right in the end. All justice will be fulfilled. Mercy will be extended.
All wrongs will be made right. All sorrows will cease. All will be well.

We just have to be patient and keep the faith.

If we follow the commandments of the Lord, if we keep the covenants we have made as perfectly as we can, we will be blessed. And we will bless others.
(If we don't murder people, aren't we preventing their pain? And the pain of their families and friends? And that's just one example.)

When I start to get discouraged, I find myself remembering these words:

Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.

(From The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis)

Which is especially fitting, since it is Christian allegory (spoiler!).

But ... Heavenly Father loves us. He has given us the ability to have everything made right. We can be assured that things will be better. Even though it can be hard right now. But things will be better.
We shall have spring again after this winter of suffering.