Processing and babbling

I think I'm still processing.

Sometimes, it really sucks to be such a cerebral-type person. I wish that I were better at crafts or athletics ... so I could CHANNEL all this STUFF into that.

I want to punch things, throw things, scream ... but none of those are productive.

I did buy a needlepoint kit. Haven't had any luck really starting it.

I started a new blog ... but Nana's pickle/relish recipes on it.
I should take pictures of some of those recipe cards to go with the typed bits.

I should do a lot of things.

What do I really, really want to do?

Time travel.
Just go to Nana and Pop-pop's old house in my hometown.
Sit in their living room. Surrounded by covered windows, the russet-colored carpet, the moss-green telephone.

Of all the places I think of, their house is where I feel most at home. It was a huge part of my childhood. Even after they renovated their kitchen and added a dining room, the living room stayed nearly the same. The couch always facing the front wall. Pop-pop's chair next to that corner table, usually with an ashtray on it. The TV in the corner to the right of the fireplace. The draft coming through the cracks of the door to where the firewood was stored.

If I could bottle two scents from my childhood, to just open whenever needed, I think they'd be Nana and Pop-pop's house (with a small vial of the smell of their attic) and the pharmacy on Main Street in my hometown. It always smelled the same. And, even though I didn't go in there all the time, it was just a good smell. When I went in there a few years ago, it still smelled JUST THE SAME. And I was transported to being, oh, six? Seven? And walking in there with my dad and buying a doll or Tinkerbell perfume or paper dolls.

I hate that saying ... that you can never go home again. But, in a few months, really, once we finally get my mom moved up here, I won't really have ANY reason to go back to Canyonville.
My dad and other family are in different towns. JAvelin, who ran the natural food store, passed from cancer. Arnie, my choir teacher, passed away. They sold my home ward (congregation)'s building, so everyone meets at a different building in a different town.

...

It almost feels like my childhood is totally out of reach anymore.
And I don't feel ready to be an adult.

...
...
...

My Nana's favorite ice cream was Umpqua's Peach on the Beach.
Mostly because she liked saying the name.

I always associate Bugles chips and Diet Orange Slice soda with her.
"Do you want some orange?" She'd ask. I'd agree. She'd pour me some and have "just a squosh" for herself.

I don't even really care for Bugles chips. But sometimes, when I'm really missing her, I'll buy a bag. I'll eat a handful or two, then give them to the kids. It's not the same.
She also almost always had coffee candy around (which I still take as a guilty pleasure. I don't drink coffee, but I love coffee candy). Freedent gum is what she'd always have in her purse. I try to carry a pack around as well. Just the smell of it takes me back to riding in her car.

She'd get her hair done, a wet set, about every couple weeks. Usually on a Saturday morning. Sometimes, I'd tag along. Alice (the hairdresser downtown) would let me play with her huge, gorgeous dollhouses while Nana had her hair done.

Nana and Pop-pop, when he was alive, would go, nearly every day to Lynn's restaurant (or later, to the deli/cafe at Pioneer Supersave/Floyd's) and drink coffee and chat with everyone. One of the things about a small town is that you can do that. They'd be regulars there. People would know they could find them there.

When I interviewed for my first job, Alvie (my boss over at Shop Smart) looked at my application, looked back at me, then asked, "Are you related to Bruce and Jean (Pop-pop and Nana)?"
"Yes, they're my grandparents." "You can start tomorrow." "Okay."
As I carried people's groceries out to their car, and they found out that I was Bruce and Jean's granddaughter, Allanna (as opposed to any others running about ... this was the next town away, where I had my job), they'd gush about my grandfolks.

...

My mom's mom, Grandma Darlene, passed suddenly. And she lived in the big town, about a half-hour's drive away. I spent some time with her. But not as much. Since her husband sexually abused my mom and aunt. Mom was adamant that I was NEVER to be left alone with him. Since, by the time I was born, he was retired and around a lot, I usually spent a lot more time with Nana. She was one of my playmates when I was little.

I wish that I had more memories of Grandma Darlene.
I called her up, once, when one of our cats was giving birth. Grandma was cat-mad, like me. She talked me through being midwife to ... was it Mittens? No, must have been Jasmine/Jazzy-cat.
She collected tea cups. She gave me one, but it broke. Shattered. I've been upset about that ever since.
Her house was always about 70ºF year-round. In summertime, when I was a lanky colt of a seven-year-old, I'd go inside after being out in the 85/90º heat and nearly freeze. She had a bunch of Disney books, with accompanying cassettes. I'd sit and listen/read those.
One of the books she had, in a cardboard box full of toys for the grandkids to play with was "The Sweet Smell of Christmas," a scratch-and-sniff book. I made sure to buy my own copy when I found it as an adult. She got me started on lots of different books. Anne of Green Gables, The Cat Who... series, Magnifi-cat, ... She was a reader. Probably, partly, to escape her childhood ... which could have been much happier. She collected gnomes. Got a few signed by the sculptor. She and her husband took me once, to get the one she gave me signed. I lost my (cheapo) ring from the county fair in their car. She bought me a new ring at The Emporium (most of you wouldn't remember that store ... it's like Kohls ... a nice department store). It was an aquamarine heart with a little gold band (with hollow hearts on either side of the stone). I was confused why she'd (1) spend THAT much money and (2) why I'd get an aquamarine ... it's not my birthstone.

Later, I learned that my mom had another brother that only lived a few hours. His birthstone was aquamarine. Also, my youngest daughter shares his birthday. I know that Grandma had a hand in that. I never knew his birthdate until after Bubbles was a few years old (Thanks, Ancestry.com. That was good info!)

Also, Grandma Darlene was a very good pie-maker. I did NOT inherit that skill. I find pie dough to be finicky. I lack the patience to deal with it. Julie, my aunt, is a much better piemaker than I am. I should work harder. The smell of roasting turkey takes me back to Grandma Darlene's house for Thanksgivings and Christmas Day celebrations. She would always have (stale) strawberry wafer cookies in the cookie jar (which was shaped like a mushroom. It was part of a set of canisters on her kitchen counter). She and her husband were diabetic, so it was either stale wafers or sugar-free hand candies. Or diet soda. I think they also had popsicles around, though, too.

I found Archies comic books around her bedroom. I enjoy a good comic book.

It was such a shock when she passed. Mom and Julie took it pretty hard. They had only recently had a family meeting where they told their youngest brother (who has children ... two of them are girls) about what their stepfather (his father) did to them. Julie was sure that it was because they brought that to light that their mom died. My mom countered that, no, Grandma was relieved that it was out in the open.

Regardless, she passed in her sleep. None of us were expecting it.

I don't know if that made it easier or harder to deal with. Nana had dementia for years. She'd been given around a 2-4 year prognosis when she was diagnosed, if I recall correctly. That was ... at least five years ago. The last few years have been the hardest. It was tough to hear Nana ask why Pop-pop wasn't coming to visit her, why he'd left her. A couple years ago, Nana told me that she had only just realized that he'd died. Though, the next time I saw her, she wasn't aware of his passing.

How confusing and heart-breaking to have to relearn/re-realize these things.
And seeing someone go through this isn't anything of an enjoyable experience.

Even going to visit her earlier this month, KNOWING that this would probably be the last time ... that wasn't easy. Especially since we weren't to let on. I would have tried to get a whole family picture with Nana ... but I kept crying off and on. So I have a few pictures of the kids with her.

...

I grew up haivng three grandmothers. The other one was Grammy, my mom's stepmom. They lived down in California, so I only rarely saw them. Pat (that was her name) and I got along. She wrote to me more than I wrote back (I've never been a great one for writing letters. Email is more my thing. SO much faster and it doesn't matter if you're going to the post office or have stamps). She passed soon after Bruise and Bucket were born.

Grampy is remarried. I still have one grandfather alive (though, next time he catches pneumonia, will be the last, so they say). His wife is younger than my mom. She's very nice.
Shockingly, I was the first one of the family to send her a mother's day card. I think that cemented my favored status, ha ha. But she's really very nice. I will have her around for a long time, so I'm not totally a grand-orphan.

Yes, that's one thing that I worry about. Is it because I'm an only child?
I never thought that being an orphan would be a great experience. My mom is a huge source of security for me. Michael, too, of course.

But, without any siblings, I always figured that I'd end up dying alone. I figured that I'd never be an aunt (for some reason, when I thought that, apparently I never considered that I'd marry someone who wasn't an only child? Logic, that's a funny concept).

Doing family history has been a good thing. I actually have extended family (cousins and whatnot) up here. I have an extended cousin in my church ward (congregation). Our kids' doctor is that cousin's uncle (and a slightly closer relation). I have family here.

One of my friends who I used to Visit Teach is an extended cousin (to both Michael and me, funnily enough. She's a closer relative to Michael, for the record).

And there's the gospel ... so that even though I've lost my biological grandmothers, I know that I haven't really lost them. We'll do/finish their temple work ... and I will have them forever.

But, oh, I just really want them NOW.

I hate goodbyes. I really do.

Ocean of Emotion

What have you missed since I last blogged?

Not a whole bunch. Me being lazy and reading a lot.
My mom getting the munchkin brigade to CLEAN THEIR ROOM.
Michael and I applied for our passports ... not that we have a trip planned yet or anything.
I cut my hair (it needed it. Now, instead of being between my shoulderblades, it's jaw-length. And, overall, it feels healthier).

Michael and I went to Chef's Night Out in Eugene.
I, of course, FREAKED OUT before heading down ...

• What do I wear?
• It's a stinking CHARITY EVENT (Don't get me wrong, I love philanthropy)!
  There will be men with their TROPHY WIVES there!
  I will bring shame upon Michael!Shame on his company! Shame on his cow!
  (He doesn't have a cow, you say? WELL, THERE'S THE ONE THAT I'M HAVING NOW!!)
• What if I'm overdressed? What if I'm underdressed?
• What if I have to TALK to people and I say something declasse? 
• What if I spill my drink or food?!?
• Do I look like I'm trying to hard?
• ... Oh, hell. Fix the undereye makeup. Add some damn green liquid liner. It'll distract from the waves of fear and desperation you're giving off.

You think I'm kidding ... the plethora of rabidly-begging-for-input texts that I sent Michael and the tear-stains on our coverlet prove otherwise.

By the time I got down there (after wonderful C [who I Visit Teach] came to watch the kidlets came over, Bruise and Bucket arrived home from school, and I kissed everyone good-bye), after some en-route car karaoke, I was better-prepared mentally to deal with ... people.

I should say that I DO like people. Dealt with in small groups, I'm FIIIIINE.
But, well, when I don't know them and I'm not performing as someone else and when I feel fat and I'm on my period and there are angry bees that hate me in my head ... I'm ... vulnerable and more than a little sick-in-the-head.

Just keeping it real for you all.

I mean, usually, I can accept that, yes, there's more of me to love than average. I've got curves that won't quit. I love food ... and don't love to exercise. Or sweat, actually. Give me a book, a BLT, a rainy day, and a cuppa rooibos chai ... I'm a happy camper.

Put me into a social situation that involves dressing up more than in a jersey knit ... with strangers ... who have money (our tickets were given to Michael's company since they worked on an awesome project to combat hunger) ... and, well, I go into crisis-social-mode, obvs.

Good times, good times.
Once we GOT there ... and the pre-event schmoozing was over (so I didn't have to pretend like I knew what I was doing there), I could be proactive and go on the hunt for sampling bazillions of yummy things (I'm not that into chicken livers or pork pate. Good to know. But, DANG SON, I found some Ginger Lemonade that I can buy over at Market of Choice ... now I have TWO go-to drinks there [The other is the Rose Lemonade that you can pry from my COLD. DEAD. HANDS. ... though I also like the Dry Sodas -- esp. Lavender, Rhubarb, and Blood Orange.]).

Michael and I practically ate ourselves sick ... but there were SO many things to try ... and we hadn't even tried them all. And we didn't have seconds of anything!
(The Wild Duck cafe's Beer-Cheese soup? Yum. And there was a cantaloupe salsa with avocado. And a roasted-carrot chicken curry. And a rosewater panna cotta. And a sweet potato cobbler with lavender-caramel sauce ... and more ... and it was all really good).

See ... social events = STRESSFUL.
Food events = GOOD.
So, once it changed to a FOOD EVENT, I was good. No more stressful than getting lunch at the county fair, right?
(OH gosh, I sound like some antisocial bumpkin ... probably because I am rather a somewhat-antisocial bumpkin.)


Also, my Nana has been moved into an assisted-care home. With her dementia, it had to happen.
But, still ... I ...

I'm supposed to write her a letter every couple of weeks ... because I know that I want to keep in touch with her. And she can't hear well enough over the phone. And she doesn't have a computer, let alone know how to email or anything.  ... But ... it's tough. I don't always say how I feel. Because I don't want to be all "Hey, Nana. Your dementia makes me mad. I love you. But dementia sucks. And I know that it has to be worse for you. But it's sad. And it makes me feel like I've lost you and am mourning you before you have died. Because it's like part of your IS dying NOW. And I hate that. And it makes me feel selfish that I'm griping about the fact that I still HAVE you and I CAN visit you ... and it's not the same. ... Even if I could visit, which I try to when we can ... there's a part of me that wants to break down and cry about your state of being you-but-not and I just want to go back about 18 years to when I could walk with my dad down to your house and you'd feed Sarah, David, and me strawberries-fresh-from-the-garden with a splash of cream and a heaping spoonful of sugar. And Sarah and I would dress up in your costume jewelry and nightgowns and feel so grown up and we'd go and "help" Pop-pop mow Mrs. Weatherbee's field and tramp about in the garden and everything. I miss the smell of the attic at your old house back home. I miss riding in the backseat of your peach-colored Chrysler. I buy Freedent gum to keep in my purse because that's what you always had. And coffee candy. Even though it makes me feel like the most rebellious Mormon girl. Because these things remind me of being a little girl at your house during summer afternoons. And I was so very content then, without grown-up responsibilities ... and I really miss that. I really miss you. And I HATE that dementia has taken you away from us ... from me ... before death has. Because it makes me mad. And it makes me sad. And it makes me feel powerless and vulnerable and ineffective. Because I have NO IDEA how to fix this or what to do... I mean, I GET that I need to rely on the Lord and all. But it's not the easiest thing to do all the time. And I'll be walking in a store or in the library and I'll be hit by this WAVE of GRIEF, hard enough that I find myself breathless, reeling in its wake ... and I ... I ... I just don't know what to do.  And I don't like that. And I don't know if it will be any easier when you're fully gone or if I'll just feel more guilty for not knowing how to appreciate you more while you are here. I love our visits, even if you are more and more childlike each time I see you ... I'll admit, though, that after I get into the car to go, I mostly just want to curl up into a ball in a corner somewhere or lose myself in a story ... because I don't know how to handle losing you more and more. And that makes me feel selfish. And guilty. ... But I'm glad that you ARE around. That Bruise, Bucket, and Bubbles get this chance to know you here, as their great-grandmother. That they are able to witness your love for and fondness of them. That they're able to catch some time with you. I barely knew any of my great-grandparents ... so I know how lucky they are. I think I'm mostly just mad that, even though I've got my heels dug and and am shrieking for you not to go, that the dementia keeps dragging you away, piece by piece, until I'm grasping at the grains of sand running through my fingers as those grief-waves wash over me, leaving me soaked and chilled and frustrated-to-tears by my ineffectiveness. But I love you. And I want you to know that one fact. If you know nothing else, I just want you to remember, to KNOW, that we love you."

...

I mean, I could write that to her. It'd be honest. And one reason I don't like the letters/cards that I send to her is because they seem disingenuous ... all prattling on about how we love her (true) and what the kids are doing (true) and that we're fine (true) and we miss her (all too true) ... but that elephant is in the room and I am averting my eyes from its presence. And that feels dishonest. But it doesn't feel proper/kind/whatever to bring it up -- "I hate dementia. Dementia sucks. Dementia is ... I don't know what it is, but I don't like it." ... even if I did say those (true) things ... it might upset Nana more than it'd change anything else. So ... well, I don't see the point of doing it. 

I don't really know of anything else I ... strike that. I can report that Michael and I have now been married 15 years and ... some-odd days. I'm refusing to math right now.
And we went to the coast and ate good food and bought clothes.
I now have a rainjacket that fits me. And has a hood.
Michael got some new slacks, shirts, and ties.
We ate Monte Cristos at Gracie's Sea Hag ... and they were worth the wait and the effort!
We also went to Ripley's Believe it or Not ... just like on our honeymoon (but it was MUCH better weather this time).

And, I had signed up to sub for a Relief Society Lesson.
I figured that, hey, I'm teaching Sunday School ... why not just add on another lesson, right?
Originally, it was for March 6 - Joseph Smith.
Then it was bumped to March 13 - The Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ. Okay.
THEN it was rescheduled to be the Teaching for Our Times Lesson - "Strengthened Through His Atonement" by Dallin H. Oaks.
And, did I mention that it was Easter Sunday? The Sunday that our Ward choir was performing in Sacrament meeting?
Yeah, no biggie, right?

Well, I crammed. A LOT. I'd been studying multiple talks by apostles and people (all the ones that Elder Oaks referred to in his talk. And a few more. Because WHY NOT?) ... including an excerpt from Lighten Up by Chieko Okazaki.

Well, I referred to the outline I wrote. The classroom clock wasn't working. My phone (with its clock) was in my purse. Along with the tissues that I really needed.
But the sisters all participated in the discussion.
People said that it was good.
I survived.
And I'm glad that it's over.
But it felt like it went well.

And I was VERY tired that evening.

And THAT's really, as far as I can tell, all I really have to report. 

Now, I should write that letter to my Nana.

My kids are often cute. This is one of those times.

So, one of Bruise and Bucket's Primary leaders told me about their actions in Primary today.

Bruise was asked "Who is your favorite prophet?"

Bruise: "That's really hard to decide. I have two of them."

"Well, can you tell us which ones those are?"

Bruise: "Thomas S. Monson and Captain Moroni."

"Why are they your favorites?"

Bruise: "I really like President Monson's stories."


Later, Bucket was chosen to pop a balloon.

Class: "STOMP ON IT! SIT ON IT!!"

Zoë: (to leader) " ... Can I just have a pin?"

Yeah, my kids are funny ... for the most part. And cute.

The last month (well, nearly, since February DOES have fewer days so it's not been a FULL month ... mostly)

For about the last month, we had been having internet issues.

Mostly with the wifi, which I love to pronounce as "wiffy" because, well, why not?
It's one of my charming peculiarities. Like how I refer to "The Google."

BUT!! HUZZAH!
The internet is FIXED.
It took three tech visits, hours on the phone, and a lot of frustration ... but we can stream Netflix again without any issues. Phew!

(Turns out that either Steam, that gaming program thing, eats up a lot of the connection OR those suspicious files that have gone into quarantine were messing with things OR a mix of both.)

Either way, our Phone/Internet tech guy and Michael and I were able to FIX THIS PUPPY and I can feel relieved.

I also, during this month, learned how to use the printer to print on POST-ITS, y'all. This is kind of amazeballs.

Last weekend, Michael got fed up enough by the state of the house and how no one was cleaning up and had me take the kids out of the house, he was that frustrated.
So, instead of treating them to (1) the Dr. Seuss activity at the mall or (2) free movie at the YMCA later, we drove around. Then we parked at a park (no playset) and we talked. And talked. And TALKED some more.
I did most of the talking.

• Why participating in housework is important. 
• How it influences how we feel
• How it influences if the Holy Ghost can be here in our home
• What benefits it has (e.g., we can do fun things instead of having to stay home and clean the house, Mommy and Daddy are happier, you can find things more easily, ...)

After about an hour, maybe (I don't remember. We just REALLY had to pee by that point), we came home and worked some more on the house.

The living room/family room/dining room looked really nice. It hasn't, alas, stayed nearly that nice. But it's still WAY better than how it was last Saturday morning.

Bruise had his last Cub Scout Blue and Gold banquet to which he needed to bring a cake for the auction. We did two dozen brownie-batter chocolate-chip cupcakes with chocolate-fudge frosting, star sprinkles, and marshmallow fondant toppers.
They looked pretty amazing ... we ended up buying them back ourselves so that Bruise could earn over $100 for Cub Scout Day Camp.
They were tasty, for sure.

We went, almost last-minute, to WizardCon in Portland. We saw, from a distance, William Shatner, John Barrowman, Jewel Staite, and a few other actors.
The kids were more interested in buying souvenirs.
Bruise bought the 10th Doctor's Sonic Screwdriver. Bucket got a blue stuffed Dalek that clips to her bag. When you squeeze it, it talks. Bubbles got a stuffed Pikachu toy.
Besides the free swag (AWESOME Dark Horse Comics reusable tote), I invested in some new nail polish (I was hoping that Dark Horse would have a stall again ... and I could buy the graphic novel of Dollhouse, maybe.) from Lucky13 Lacquer.
I bought "Ride Eternal Shiny and Chrome," "Dance Magic Dance." and "Always." And then, afterwards, I looked them up online ... and ended up buying MORE colors. Which arrived today.
I bought one of the destash colors (Sinful Colors brand ... they referred to it as "Tardis Blue") for $0.50. I paid full-price for "Valkyrie." And I picked up two of their clearance colors: "A Little More Sonic" and "I Will Burn the Heart Out of You."

And, yes, there are still some other colors that I'm longing for: "Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey," "Life Is Short and You Are Hot," "Soooo Changeable," "Come at Once If Convenient," "If Inconvenient, Come All the Same."

Yes, I am a nail polish addict. And, right now I'm rocking some cute (chipping) nails.
If you're curious, I have Dance Magic Dance or Always over Orly "Liquid Vinyl," so they look either DARK teal or red-purple. It's pretty fun. And, since (1) my nails are chipping AND (2) my new polishes arrived, I think I'll be painting my nails again soon.

Okay. The big kids are getting home soon. Not like I've really done anything except blog about polishes and ordered a birthday cake for Miss Bubbles. And we did storytime, where I got to help another mom with the Origami project we were doing. And playing some Alpaca World and Neko Atsume. Yes, my life is very full.

And laundry! I'm working on laundry! And dishes! And I should vacuum! And read books!

... and play with my pretty, pretty polishes.

On the eve of your fourth birthday ...

Miss Bubbles,

You are getting to be so big! "Big and STRONG!" as you proudly pronounce as you reach as high as you can.

You can be such a wonderful helper. You're full of curiosity and sporting a strong drive for independence.

You're learning manners. You tend to play shy around most adults. You are outgoing with other children ... though, sometimes, you do tend to try to lead them more than they might like.

Your hair has stayed curly. Your eyes have stayed blue. You are working at quitting sucking your thumb. You barely have any accidents. You want to read the scriptures yourself.

You are making up your own jokes.
My favorite so far: "I want to give a goldfish to someone! To DEADPOOL!"

(I, too, am very sad that the Deadpool movie is VERY deserving of the R-rating. I wanted to see it, too. And it would have been tons funnier if he'd been just as censored [black bars, bleeps, and all] as in the comics ... Not that I totally know HOW you know who Deadpool is ... but, still).

You come and snuggle me.
You like to help me cook. Especially if we're making cookies or cakes.
You help Bruise and Bucket with emptying the dishwasher ... though we need to work on putting the silverware away in the correct places and not just flinging it all in there and jetting away.
Though, to be honest, I admire the passion you display.

You love animals.
You practice empathy ... mostly. (But I'll cut you some slack. Until tomorrow, you're still three.)
You love to sing and dance.
You love to jump, jump, jump.
You've learned to love video games already,

Your favorite colors are pink and purple.
You love bunnies best, but are expanding your adoration to hippos, cheetahs, and other animals.
You adore bathtime. You'd take multiple baths a day if I'd let you.

You're still daintily-sized ... I find it easy to carry you as we go about places, as needed. Depending on what else I'm lugging along. But, for the most part, I can carry you from the parking lot into the store, especially if the weather's bad.

You're learning so many words and how to use them well.
Sometimes you impress me with your growing vocabulary.
(I'm just glad that you don't shock me with it.)

Happy day-before-your birthday, my little smushy-face munchkin-girl.
I love you.

Only a week? Aren't you the lucky one!

Yeah, yeah, I suck at updating.

Okay, in no particular order, here's stuff from my life:

• Michael built a new bookshelf in the living room. It's already full of books.
  I need to paint it. And the other bookshelf that he built last summer. (Was it in summer? I have no idea at this point.)
• I've been playing that supercute Neko Atsume (Kitty Collector) game.
  I can be a crazy cat lady without having to worry about attracting animals to live under my house. I like that the cats can give you the gold sardines. OR that you can sell the regular sardines to buy gold sardines. Totally worth it. Good on them.
  And there's a daily password to get some sardines. That's a nice game design.
  And the cats are supercute.
• Bruise and Michael went to the Cub Scout Lock-In last weekend. They stayed up late. Michael didn't sleep well, since I wasn't there. I didn't sleep well, since he wasn't here. Bucket stayed up WAAAAAAAY too late. So, after Bruise and Michael came home, Michael and I slept for a couple hours, got up, took the kids to the Taiko performance (Japanese drumming. Pretty awesome), went to Home Depot for light bulbs (we have SUCH the wild life. You jelly?), went home. He worked on his lesson for EQ (If you ask the lesson. there's apparently a chance that you'll end up teaching). I was going to work on my Sunday School lesson write-up-bit, but I fell asleep and napped HARD. Then we went to a birthday party.
• Friday was my not-anymore-friend's birthday. I was going to wish her a happy birthday ... but I didn't really know how to do that without seeming like I was forcing myself on her attention.
  So I didn't. And I don't know if it was a good decision or not.
• Church on Sunday. Went home, made lunch, took a nap, went Visiting Teaching (touched bases with all our sisters! Yay! They [hopefully] know that we love them! Yay!), went back home, went to a fireside about helping prepare our Youth for serving missions (apparently pornography is a BIG, BIG problem. And it's not just because the sexual aspect ... it's because the youth doesn't seem to have other ways they've developed to deal with stress.) ... it was a good fireside. I took a lot of notes.
• My kids' strings concert is coming up. Tonight's the rehearsal.
• I go between being GREAT on studying scriptures and preparing lessons ... and then NOT so much. What gives?

I really miss my friend Kim McD ... she's the one who passed a while back.
I was going through my GoogleVoice messages ... I had some texts from her. And that made me miss her a lot.

I also am realizing that I'm scared of being hurt in friendships ... a lot more than I used to be. I mean, I hate feeling like I've fallen out with a friend. But I'm not very social anymore (except online ... and sometimes not as much as before).

I need to deal with this. I don't like feeling sad or like a failure as a friend.
I mean, I know that I tried hard to be there, to be supportive ... and now I almost wish that I hadn't put so much effort into a friendship that WAS fun (and I met some great people through) ... and that's sad.

With the Kim friendship ... I just miss her a lot. And wish that I'd been able to do more for her and her family,
With the other one, ... I just am left wondering what I did wrong, what I didn't do ... I don't know. And I get frustrated by not knowing.
I've been spoiled by the internet. I can look up and research nearly ANYTHING, drop of a hat .... and I have little-to-no way to figure this out.
Not without going around and asking people.

I did ask the now-not-friend. I could see that she'd viewed the messages.
Nothing.

If I ask other people, it feels ... I don't know ... like middle school.
"So-and-so doesn't want to be my friend anymore, what's up with THAT?!? Can you ask her what's up?"

I mean, since she and I have a few dozen friends in common, it is almost tempting (though horribly immature) to post something like "So, [Name] unfriended me, my husband, and my mom [#] months ago. But she's kept almost everyone else. Someone want to help me figure out what I/we did that was so horrendous that she couldn't tell me about it? That she never responded to messages that I sent her? Because I'm find of boggled. I mean, they say that if a friendship survives seven years, it'll last forever? And we were friends for, like NINE FULL YEARS ... so, what gives?"

But, like I said, that would be REALLY passive-aggressive and immature. So I'm not doing that.

I tried. And it didn't work. So ... well, either I've DONE something pretty horrible (since in my FB message to her, I did give her the out of well-maybe-facebook-was-being-wonky and she could have JUMPED on that. "Oh, yeah! How weird! It's all fixed now!" ... but, no. So ... yeah.) or I HAVEN'T done something that was MANDATORY.
And, either way, I really .... just don't know.

And it eats at me. What did I do/not do?
I try to be a good friend ... and, well, apparently, I'm not as good of a friend as I'd like to think I was/am.

In other news, two of my friends are twitterpated with each other. It's cute.
And I rather wish they'd gotten together in high school (even though she and I both crushed on him, but I didn't realize that she'd crushed on him ... if she asked, I'd have willingly given him up).
They're really cute together. And that's a good thing.
Happy looks good on her.

And they both like me, which is nice. They'll both FB message me and tease each other. And it's pretty adorable. He's good for her. And she's good for him.

So, for Bucket, Bubbles, and my Girl's Night In (Bubbles fell asleep during the first movie), we watched Legally Blonde, While You Were Sleeping, and the Wedding Singer. Good times. It's nice that Bucket is willing to watch chick-flicks with me. Next time, I think I'll work towards getting her into costume-dramas (if I ever get Anne of Green Gables/Anne of Avonlea, that'll be a good start. If not, well, maybe Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day?).

My stepdad's dementia is not getting any better. Neither is my Nana's.
At least, though, with Nana ... if you're confused or something is flat out wrong, you can mention it to her and she'll be, "Oh. It's the dementia. Okay."
If you tried that with my stepdad, he's all, "NO. I'm right. I'm telling the truth. You're not remembering it right. I'm telling the truth!"
And ... well, that's not easy to live with. So I really need to look for a good place for Mom. Since there's going to be a time when she needs to be some place without someone trying to gaslight her.
(If we had another bedroom or two, it'd be FINE. Well, fine-ish.)

Okay. Time to head out to storytime. And run some errands.

I wish life came with an instruction manual.
I'll keep things together.
I mean, I have faith that everything WILL work out ... but I just wish that it was easier and that people didn't have to suffer in the meantime.
And that I had no responsibilities for a while, no bills, and a hole to curl up in for a good cry.
Since that's not going to happen, I have books. Books are good.

Rambling Reaction (but not a heat-of-the-moment reaction ... more of a mule-this-over-for-a-bit reaction)

If you've been anywhere around social media during this last weekend, you've heard about the policy changes made by my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints).

I just need to get a brain dump made ... because I have thoughts. And I deserve a place to write them down.

Before I really start, I want to make it clear that I have friends with many, diverse opinions and lifestyles. And I know that it's my Christian duty to love everyone, regardless of age/sex/orientation/lifestyle/race/religion/whatever. In fact, I consider it an honor and privilege to have the opportunity to have these people in my life (even when I don't always understand their choices). Because, heaven knows, I'm not at all perfect myself. (Seriously, if you think that I am ... well, you're very sweet. And deluded. But I appreciate it. Please be aware that I am SO. VERY. NOT. perfect. I'm a total screw-up. But I'm working at it. Even if I leave myself LOTS of room for improvement.)

Point #1 - God loves ALL His children.

And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things. (1 nephi 11:17) -- See also this pamphlet - God Loveth His Children

He loves us perfectly, eternally, never removing any of His love from us. Jesus loves us. Again, perfectly. He was willing to give His life for us, to suffer more than any mortal being could possibly bear ... because He LOVES us.
Because He loves YOU and ME, He'd have been willing to atone for just a single one of us.
And, through His Atonement, He KNOWS EXACTLY how we feel, how we suffer ... There is nothing we go through that He cannot understand from OUR viewpoint. (And, since, unlike us, He does have a perfect knowledge of things, He understands us better than we understand ourselves.)

I KNOW that God loves ALL His children. ALL of them. EVERY SINGLE ONE.
When we make bad decisions, when we sin, He STILL loves us with a perfect love.
He is steadfast. He does not change.
We are the ones who, through our actions, either remove ourselves from Him or approach Him.

Still, there is NOTHING that we can ever do that would cause Him not to love us. Nothing.
His love is constant and unwavering. Because He is unchangeable. He is eternal.

Point #2 - We are not our temptations. Being tempted is not the same as sinning.
Think about it ... if Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the only perfect being to live on this earth ... if HE was tempted, why shouldn't we -- imperfect as we are -- suffer temptations as well?

Just because someone is tempted or has a proclivity towards a certain behavior that is not in keeping with the gospel, that doesn't mean that s/he is, inherently, a bad person.
If that were true, I'd be completely irredeemable (If I were my main sins, I'd be a gluttonous, slothful, vain, proud lazeabout. These attributes are things I need to work [VERY HARD] to overcome. I'm a work in progress. ... And, for the record, those are NOT my only sins. I've got quite the laundry list to choose from. That's why we have repentance. That's why we have the gospel ...).

We all have moral agency. We have the freedom to choose for ourselves -- to ACT, rather than be acted upon. When we are faced with temptations, we will always have a choice. And, our loving Heavenly Father will always provide a safe way for us to withstand it. If we choose to look for and follow it.

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

And, knowing that we are not perfect, He provided a Savior, Jesus Christ, to come to earth -- to teach us, to atone for us, to die for us -- so that we are able to overcome physical death (through the resurrection) and spiritual death (our separation from God's presence -- through repentance).
Jesus was willing. He chose to come to earth and to atone for us, as a sinless sacrifice, and to die for us.

As it says in one of our hymns (#193 - I Stand All Amazed),

"I marvel that He would descend from His throne divine to rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine, that He would extend His great love unto such as I, sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify. Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me! Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!"

Truly, it is beyond description ... He loves us so very, very much. And, whenever I think of this ... I don't have the words to state how awed, how grateful I am ... because it is not possible to comprehend that amount of love and compassion.

And Jesus Christ was willing to suffer for ALL our sins. Because He loves us. Because He wants us to ALL be able to return to His/our Father's presence. Because He considers US worthy of such pain, suffering, and sacrifice. EACH OF US. INDIVIDUAL. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

Point #3 - God loves us. He wants us to be able to return to His presence. So, not only did He send His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to atone and die for us; He also sends us, from the beginning of time, prophets to help guide us. Our prophets give revelation to the whole Church and the whole world.

"Surely the Lord God will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets." - Amos 3:7

Because God loves us, we have prophets and other leaders to help guide us, to teach us what we need to know, so we can progress and grow and develop those attributes and character that will help us to become more like our Heavenly Parents.

When we choose to be obedient, to make those sacrifices in our lives so that we can become more like our Heavenly Father, full of love, light, and knowledge, ... well, it's rather obvious that we draw closer to Him. And, by following the commandments that He gives us, through his prophets (both ancient [Moses, Abraham, Jesus, etc] AND modern [Joseph Smith, Jr., continuing through our living prophet today, Thomas S. Monson ... and whoever follows him], we are blessed.

Obedience is founded upon faith. And we are not to follow our leaders blindly ... we, in fact, are COMMANDED (though these same leaders) to seek for personal confirmation, from the Holy Spirit, through personal prayer and scripture study.

But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.

 But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me. (Doctrine and Covenants 9:8-9)

I know that when I follow the counsel of our prophet and the apostles, I am blessed. I KNOW this, because I've seen it happen over and over again in my life. I also see that when I make choices contrary to the commandments, I lose the presence of the Holy Spirit and his constant guidance.
Life is (overall) easier when I choose to follow the revelations given to us from God through his prophets.

So you'll understand my sadness over the reactions to the changes in Church policy ... and, truly, they aren't really changes ... CLARIFICATIONS is a better word for this.

The more that I think on this, the more that it is confirmed to me that this clarification of Church policy is for the GOOD of these sweet souls. It is to protect the family, ALL FAMILIES, from contention.

This will help children, especially young children, not to have to deal with very adult/advanced issues of reconciling the fact that their parents are living a life that is contrary to the gospel and eternal progression. (Bear with me on that. I'll explain. Pinkie-swears!) It will allow these children every blessing they have been promised ... it's just delayed.

And, yes, it's quite sad that these sweet souls will have to wait. However, it's just a small matter of time. And they WILL be able to receive those blessings.

And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours. 

And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more. (Doctrine and Covenants 78:18-19)

The Lord is aware of you. The Lord is aware of them. He will hold nothing back from them.
Rather like it's said in The Princess Bride, this policy cannot (indeed, does not) stop these individuals from receiving their promised blessings, it just postpones the delivery for a while.

We will face opposition in this life. Satan is striving to make it hard to tell what is good from what is not. And, I think in this case, he's working overtime.

So, back to the point that I promised to elucidate on ... The plan of salvation, or the plan of happiness. It has both names for a very good reason. Because if we follow the plan, we achieve both those results.

from http://courtneyaitken.blogspot.com/2013/01/plan-of-salvation-bookmarks.html

 Here's the plan of salvation, made simple (if you want to read more about it, follow the link in the caption. Courtney Aitken also has a backside for the bookmark FILLED with scriptural references.
You could also ask me. Or another LDS friend that you have. Or the missionaries. Or go to LDS.org and read about it there ... there's lots of options.

• Before we were born, we all existed as spirit children of our Heavenly Parents.
  Heavenly Father presented a beautiful plan to us -- one that would allow us to learn, grow, become more like Him, and return to His presence.
  To do this, we would be born in mortal bodies, on earth. We would have the opportunity to learn the commandments, prove ourselves by making good (or poor) choices, and make covenants with Him. 
• We would have need of a savior, knowing that we would make mistakes and sin.
  Jesus and Lucifer both offered to be that savior.
  Lucifer promised to return EVERY soul to Heavenly Father (which would require negating agency), if he received all the glory.
  Jesus offered to go, allowing us to have our own agency to choose for ourselves, and the glory would go to Heavenly Father (which is fair, since it was His plan, in the first place).
• Some spirits followed Lucifer and they were cast out -- Lucifer became Satan. Those other souls that followed him were not able to come to earth and get bodies. This is why they are damned -- they made it impossible for themselves to progress (just like a dam stops the flow of water in a river. At least, for the most part. But you get where I'm going with that analogy, right?)
• Jesus created this world for us. It is a beautiful place.
• Adam and Eve came here and were placed in the Garden of Eden. They, as we, were made to forget our pre-mortal existence. If we all remembered everything that we knew then, this life wouldn't be a true testing opportunity (and, as it is, what with the scriptures and prophetic counsel and personal revelation, it's quite an open-book test). They were tempted and chose to eat the fruit of knowledge of good and evil. This allowed them to become mortal, which enabled them to fulfill the first commandment of "multiply and replenish the earth."
  Also, just for what it's worth, we honor Eve as being very brave and selfless in this decision. Yes, it was a transgression ... but it was for a noble purpose. And Adam, as our first prophet, is quite worthy of admiration, too.
• Because of this, "The Fall," as we call it, where Adam and Eve were removed from God's presence (by having to leave the Garden of Eden), which is a spiritual death AND being made mortal (so they would die), we all had need of a savior. (Which we discussed a bit earlier).
• From the beginning of time, we have been blessed with prophets to help guide us. The Lord gives revelations to the prophets that apply to the whole world and the whole church. He loves us and wants to give us every opportunity to return to Him.
• Jesus came, in the meridian of time, to live here on earth, teach, serve, atone and die for us. Because of His sacrifices for us, we are able to repent (thus overcoming that spiritual death) and be resurrected (overcoming physical death).
• After we die, we will go to the spirit world, since our bodies and spirits will be separated (that's what death is). Those who did not have the opportunity to make covenants (baptism, receiving one's endowment, eternal marriage, etc), will have the opportunity to receive them through vicarious work done on earth (These covenants require a body to do them, you see. That's why our church is gung-ho about temple work, since the temple is the only place we can perform this service for those who've passed on). We all will be able to learn more and make some (slower) progress here in the spirit world.
• We will be resurrected. Our bodies will be immortal bodies, made perfect. (That isn't to say that we'll all be supermodels or bodybuilders ... but we'll have bodies that work perfectly, for sure.)
• After the resurrection, there will be a final judgement. We'll be judged for our choices (Now, if we've repented, God won't remember those sins. Neither will we). If we're worthy, we will be comfortable and confident in His presence. He will be able to welcome us into His presence.
  If we aren't worthy of his presences, we will go to a lesser kingdom. The Telestial Kingdom is the lowest. It's, pretty much, what we're dealing with here. The Holy Ghost can be here to teach and instruct.
  The Terrestrial Kingdom is better. You have to live a higher law than what's required for the Telestial Kingdom. Jesus will come to minister.
  If you want to receive all the blessings promised, then work to be Celestial Kingdom material. We will be in God's presence. We will be able to be with our eternal families. We will have the ability to progress and reach our overall goal of becoming like our Heavenly Parents.
  To qualify for the Celestial Kingdom, we need a few things:

1. Faith in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior
2. Repentance (We show remorse, make restitution, and work to change our character to overcome these sins that are keeping us from our eternal goals)
3. Baptism by immersion by the proper authority
4. Receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost (to, if we are worthy, be our constant companion as a comforter and guide) 
5. Enduring to the end by following the commandments and keeping the covenants that we make with our Heavenly Father

Yes, it is a trifle difficult to explain it all in one nutshell ... but, of everything in this world, it's the one constant that makes sense (at least to me. Per the 11th Article of Faith, you're free to believe and worship as you see fit. You have the moral agency to do so. We respect that).

But, okay, so we're working to be like Heavenly Father -- He is perfect, has an immortal body, is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-loving. Pretty awesome goal, right?

Another blessing that we can receive in this journey to become more like him is to have family bonds that are not ended with our deaths (e.g., "til death do you part.").
Through the power of the Melchizedek priesthood, we are able to be sealed to our families with an eternal bond. A husband and wife can be sealed together. Their children can be sealed to them. (If a husband and wife are sealed before their children are born, those children are born in the covenant, already sealed to their parents).
If we keep those covenants that we've made in the temple, we can be together forever as families.

That's the big reason for the Church's support of moral issues, like marriage between one man and one woman.
It's not because we don't love these other people. We do. We're commanded to. And, if we're being Christlike (like we SHOULD be), we WANT to love them ... and to make sure that they know that they're loved, valued, and cherished by our Heavenly parents.

Sadly, we don't know WHY same-sex attraction is given as a trial for some people.
I do know, though, that they are strong, worthy individuals who are capable of withstanding this temptation ... as we are all capable of withstanding being tempted ... through the power of Jesus Christ.
And if they, like we all do sometimes, fold? They are able to repent. Just like the rest of us.
If they choose to enter into a same-sex marriage, that is their choice. However, that marriage cannot be sealed through the Holy Spirit of Promise. It will end with their death ... and I find it terribly sad that they'd put so much time, effort, emotion, and energy into something that cannot be eternal.

Sometimes, our own choices affect more people than just ourselves.
Sometimes, due to our choices, other people will suffer.
This is yet another reason for the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
Through the Atonement, ALL wrongs will be made right. All sins will be forgiven. All hurts -- physical, spiritual, and emotional -- will be healed.
Oh, it is wonderful to me.

Will Heavenly Father hold back any blessing from them, if they actively seek those blessings?
No.
Because He LOVES us all.

And, knowing that Heavenly Father loves us, would he send us leaders who would lead the Church to withhold blessings and opportunities due to hate or bigotry?
NO.
So I KNOW that there are reasons of love behind this.
Because I KNOW that our prophet and apostles and all our other leaders are working to emulate Christ and His love for all God's children.

Just like how, because I love my children, I'm not going to condone them doing things that will hurt them.
I gave my kids the example of, "What if we bought a motorcycle? Are you allowed to ride it by yourself?"
"No."
"What if you did ride it by yourself? What would happen?"
"We'd get in trouble."
"Would it make sense for us to get rid of the motorcycle ... especially while you weren't allowed to ride it by yourself?"
"Yes."
"Would that be because we're being mean?"
"Well ... no, not really."
"Then why would we take it away?"
"So that we couldn't get in trouble."
"Exactly."

Just like how, when an individual is excommunicated from the Church, it's NOT because the leaders are wanting to be mean ... it's to allow the person to either continue the problematic choices without being under greater condemnation from the Lord for breaking (and continuing to break) covenants -OR- to allow the person to repent while protecting himself/herself from bigger punishments.

Does that sound like it's something done out of hate? Or a plan from a loving Heavenly Father through loving leaders?

To me, it's definitely the second. Because, even when a person is excommunicated or disfellowshipped, we have every hope and desire for them to return. We love and watch and wait. If they CHOOSE to repent and return, we rejoice. If they don't, we just love them while maintaining our standards and not condoning their actions.
Because we are all worthy of love.

Because Heavenly Father loves us all.

And because I KNOW that He loves us, I know that He would never do something just for the sole reason of hurting people. He will ask hard things of us, just like our earthly parents ask us to do things we'd rather not do (take out the trash/clean our rooms/etc) -- like we ask our kids to do ... because we know that it's (1) important for them to learn and/or (2) it's to help them develop into something better than they were.

I also know that, if ever it should occur that a prophet were to cause God's church to be led astray, He would TAKE THAT PROPHET OUT. And, there's the fact that this matter was discussed and agreed upon unanimously among 15 apostles and prophets. Do you know HOW HARD it is for even similar-minded people to agree completely? ...

Yes, my heart hurts for those who find this news hard to bear. I wish I had a way to make it so that they automatically felt loved and supported enough to wade through any doubts.

Still, regardless of this sorrow, I will not support those who try to tell me that this is an evil move, that our leaders are uninspired ... because everything points to the contrary.

The Family Proclamation was delivered just over 20 year ago. It is Church doctrine. It has not and will not change.

That doesn't mean that we are not under commandment to love everyone. Because we ARE.
But, if we choose to be politically-correct to the point where we eschew the teachings of God, given through His servants, we are putting ourselves (and those we influence) in danger.

So, TL;DR:

• The commandment to love everyone still stands. 
• We don't have to agree on everyone's actions. 
• I choose to support President Thomas S. Monson, our prophet, and the other God-appointed leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, as I have raised my arm to show my support. It makes me most sad when I hear/read others maligning our leaders for not bowing down to the demands of the world/being politically correct ... as if they really had a choice to do otherwise.
• I do not understand all things. But I will keep my covenants, because they are precious to me.
  I have too much to lose, otherwise. I treasure the fact that my family can be together forever.
• I wish that I could ensure that all God's children, my spirit brothers and sisters, received those blessings that come from making and keeping covenants with the Lord. Because they bring more than happiness -- they bring JOY. In this life and in the life to come. 
• And I want the best for you all. Because I do love you.
• If you desire those blessings, they CAN be yours, too. They may be delayed, but never denied. And you will be blessed for your patience. Because our Heavenly Father loves you.
  And it WILL be worth every struggle. 

If you have questions or if I need to better explain things in the rambling, oh-so-very-long post, please let me know.

Well, I'm almost done with mastery of Fifth Grade math on Khan Academy (humbling, yes ... but I'm working for this. I'm hoping to be done all the way through 8th grade math by the end of the calendar year). And I'm working still on Spanish (Duolingo and Rosetta Stone) and German (Duolingo). And, since my kids are working on Typing.com, I've started there, too.

Michael got home early from work last night and took over being the heavy -- the front rooms look a lot better now. They're going to be working on their room this afternoon. And I need to finish dishes, laundry, clean the hall bathroom, and vacuum. Not that I've done any of that YET.

But Bubbles and I are going to run a couple errands and ... okay, we're back.

Yeah, AWKWARD SEGUE ALERT!

You know you love it. Or something.

But, after while feeling sorry for myself, I took some action.

I messaged one of my friends who I haven't seen in AGES.
And, yes, the message I sent her did sound kind of pathetic.
She'll write back sometime, I'm sure.

Then I checked in with my Roxy-sis ... and we set up a meet-up-in-person book date in a couple weeks. I'm pretty stoked about it.

My mom had called while I was mopey and mucusly-challenged ... and she could tell that I was upset.
She stated that, since old-friend and I had met, she'd gone through a lot that had changed her a bit.
(It's nice when your mom has your back. And, if it were my fault, my mom's cool enough to tell me.)
(Most times, anyways. And in a way that doesn't feel like she's ripping the rug out from under you. Pretty awesome mom, right? [Yes. The answer is YES. There is no other answer.])

And, yeah, that did help me to feel a bit better.

I mean, I still will wonder off and on what happened ... I don't want to blame everything on PTSD or anything. It could very well be that I'm not as good of a person/friend as I would like to be. And I have to live with that.

So ... yeah.

Michael also brought home pizza for dinner. Which meant that I didn't have to cook. Which was nice. And, since he was being the heavy, I could play good-cop. And that was nice ... even though between crying, not drinking enough water, and everything, I did have a headache (nothing that water, acetaminophen, ibuprofen, PastTense, and time couldn't fix.

We watched "The Beautician and the Beast," since it's soon to be off Netflix again. And it'd been ages since I'd seen it (over 15 years ... wow, I'm old). And it was as cute as I recalled. Michael even tolerated it well enough (Hey, he likes "Wing Commander," so I get to enjoy costume dramas and fluffy romances like this. And, yes, I'm willing to be in the room while he's watching his shows ... so it's fine.)

I did tell Michael that I was sorry for being all Mrs. Bennet ... and he got the reference.
(My kids didn't. Time to get them started on Austen movies.)

If you don't get the reference, here's a quick peek:

 

Yeah, not exactly who I want to BE ... though, easy enough to channel at times.

I still need to get caught up on ... many, many things. So many things.

But we (Bubbles and I) went out and returned library books (so that I SHOULDN'T get another fifteen-dollar-and-change fine for late books. *sigh* Yeah, that was last month. It always occurs RIGHT at that point where I start thinking that I have everything together. ... Well, OBVIOUSLY not, huh?) and we picked up milk and a few other things.
She talked me into getting her a book (Hard sell there, right? /sarcasm) which I read to her after lunch (it's a Big Hero 6 book. And I got her to take a nap by telling her that, if she DOES take a good nap, I'm willing to let her watch the movie. #PickYourBattles #Compromise)

Even though I haven't done any of the things that I put on my mental to-do list as I was blearing awake, I DID check the mail. And I cleaned off a good section of the junk counter.And Bubbles and I read through quite a few library books. So that's something ...

Between trying to fill my bucket with drops of awesome, so that I DON'T feel like a total loser and all, I do find myself channeling this video:

(Barats and Bereta - PC Fratboys, if the link's not treating you well.)

Okay, I should go be a little more productive. Those languages aren't going to study themselves. That floor isn't going to vacuum itself. Those dishes? Nope, not going to wash themselves ... no matter how hard I utilize those puppy-dog eyes. The laundry sure isn't going to wash, fold, and put itself away ...

OR, you know, I could just curl up on the couch with a book and watch Pioneer Woman on Netflix or something ... either or.

But I DO need to make dinner tonight for sure.

"A Funny, But Sad, Story"

I was talking to my (great-) Aunt Judy this morning.

As we chatted, she was telling me about my Nana's dementia (since I haven't been down to visit Nana for a while. I write her letters, since her hearing's not very good anymore ... and so that Aunt I (who takes care of Nana) can read them and know what's going on, too).

And here's this story, which happened in the not-too-distant past ...

Nana: [Pop-pop/Nana's husband]'s come back.

Judy: (not knowing if this is the dementia or not) Oh?

Nana: Yes, he's sitting right there on the porch. He's come back to collect his social security.

Judy: Well, okay.

Nana: (matter-of-factly) He's going to get in trouble for fraud, since he's been dead for thirteen years.


I have to admit that this exchange has me tickled. It's just such a Nana thing to say, that last line.

Like once, in a conversation with her a few years back, she was telling me about some distant cousins who adopted a little girl from China.

Nana: So, they're both ladies ... well, which one's the husband and which one's the wife?

Me: Um, I think that you just refer to them as 'partners.'

Nana: Oh, that makes sense. ... I don't know why they call homosexuals 'gay.' They don't seem very happy.

(That's where I had to work really hard at not bursting into peals of laughter.)

I love my Nana. She's darling.

And, hey, even if she's waking up at 1 AM to make Pop-pop some coffee and lunch, if she's woken you up, hey! you can have a midnight-ish snack, right?
(Which is better than, say, having someone with dementia swear that they've been stabbed or that people are creeping around the house ... and then shooting a hole in the door. ... So I've heard.)

But, yeah.

In which I am ... something

So, I'm in a little funk.
Which might be a bit of an understatement, really.
But, regardless, ...

So, I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but my Nana (my dad's mom) has dementia.
I used to be able to say that "She's been diagnosed with dementia." But now, really, it's not just a diagnosis. It's not something that I can just wave away ... as much as I wish that I could.

She's not able to live alone anymore. She lives with one of my uncles and his wife (She really didn't ever have to worry about where to live. If she had rather lived with my dad and his girlfriend, they [or, what really counts, my "stepmom"] were more than willing to have her come live with them, too).

Part of this is just sad ... and life ...

Of course, I'm a rather sentimental idiot person. And it hits me a bit harder at times.

My kids have no memory at all of Nana and Pop-pop's house by the creek and one of the parks in my hometown. Because they've never been there. Ever.
(By the time Bruise and Bucket were even conceived, Nana had sold that [lonely, to her, after Pop-pop's death] place and had moved into her own place in the main city. Bubbles will barely ever even remember THAT house.)

Whereas, so MANY of my childhood memories (especially Christmas Eve memories) revolve around that house.
I mean, it could be worse. Nana promised my cousin, S, that she'd get the house ... and, well, that's obviously not going to be a reality. But I think that S is able to deal with that ... at least, a lot better than I would.

I can be honest that, as much as I LOVE Christmas, since Grandma Darlene passed, it's been different. THEN, after Pop-pop passed (and Nana sold that house), it was even more different. I still love it ... but ... it's just not the same. And I miss that sameness, that consistency of opening presents on the burnt-orange carpeting with a fire in the fireplace, with my dad's-side cousins FINALLY getting there. And racing to the bathroom with Cousin S to try on our new clothes ... and the old green corded telephone ... and ... all these little things.

And it reduces me to tears, missing these times that I took for granted far too much.
I wish that I had thought to take (and develop) pictures of each room, of the outside of the house, of Pop-pop's garden ... and I am so disappointed that I never did.

Though, in my mom's shop/garage, I do have the original kitchen door to Nana's old kitchen (before the remodel). Someday (and Michael is aware of this), I will have a house around it again.
I love that door. It's one of those Dutch-style ones ... where you can open just the top half.
Everyone thought that I was silly/crazy for asking for that door ... but, well, I do love it. ... If it would fit in our house here, I'd have installed it ages ago. ... But it takes me back, just thinking of that door. Nana would open it and check the laundry running on the (enclosed) porch. Or go put the bowls of custard out to cool, sprinkling nutmeg on the tops ...

So, even though my family was quite amused/bemused by my request/demand, I have no regrets at all about it.

But there are things that I wish that I could have done differently or could just have the chance to do again because I miss those times ...

• When my parents separated, I wish that I had visited Nana and Pop-pop more. Especially when my dad wasn't in town. I avoided him when he visited for a bit, telling him that I had plans or was busy (when it wasn't really true. But, when you're eleven/twelve, how else do you really punish someone who's made it apparent that the effort to be a family with you and your mom isn't worth it? ... So, yeah. But I should have visited Nana and Pop-pop more when he wasn't at their place).
• I miss going out shopping with Nana. Even just browsing at The Emporium or The Bon Marche or Sears or J.C. Penney ... and most of those stores are getting to the point where they no longer even exist. 
• I miss being able to talk to Nana and knowing that she'd recall that we even had a conversation the next day/week/month.
• I miss being able to talk to Nana on the phone and that she'd be able to hear me/recognize my voice. Now, even though my kids and I are the only folks who call her "Nana," she can't hear me well enough. But she does love to get a phone call. So I call my Aunt I, talk to HER and give her any pertinent information, and then chat at Nana ... who can't really hear me at all. So now I work hard to send her cards and letters ... so that she can KNOW who's sending her things and what all IS happening.
• I miss going to the movies or musicals with Nana.
• I miss going over to play at Nana and Pop-pop's. Riding the tractor/riding lawnmower and helping Pop-pop "drive" (then actually mowing Mrs. Weatherbee's property for Pop-pop) [True story: When I was little, I wanted to get a riding lawnmower so that I could ride it to school. This was before I saw "Can't Buy Me Love." I just really loved driving the riding lawnmower. Way cooler than a bike.], having dinner (always at 6:00pm) with Nana and Pop-pop. Sitting down at their kitchen table on a summer afternoon when Nana would put out a bowl of strawberries, fresh from the garden, sprinkled with sugar, and then pour some cream on top and hand me a spoon.
• I miss Nana being such a lady so often (dressing up to go out shopping. Getting a wet set every Saturday. Touching up her lipstick) and yet using phrases like, "I've got to use THE POT!" when she needed to answer the call of nature. 

I wore my pair of silver patent-leather Sketchers to bits, really, because my Nana loved me enough to buy them for me. Mostly because, when I unwrapped them (either for my birthday or Christmas), she told me how she'd gone up to Eugene to buy them ... and, since she and I wore the same size shoes, everyone watched as "this old lady tried on all the crazy sneakers."

So, even though they got old and scuffed-up and dirty, I wore them and smile whenever I looked at my feet. Even when one of the girls I considered a friend mocked them. (My answer to her less-than-favorable opinion of my shoes? "My Nana gave them to me.")

Because those shoes were total physical proof of how much my Nana loves me.

Yesterday, while out with Mom, I bought an earring display ... thing. But now I can display both my dangling AND post earrings (I wear a lot of stud-type earrings) ... and I spent around an hour or so putting my earrings on it. At first, I worried that I'd lost one of a favorite pair from Nana ... but, thankfully, I found it in a baggie that I'd had to sweep a lot of the-disaster-that-is-my-make-up-counter into.

Maybe one reason that I'm taking this hard is that, as I've realized, dementia is horrible in the fact that it makes you mourn the person who has it BEFORE they've died. And I don't like that.

Another reason could be that, even though I was sealed to my parents when I was little, my dad left the church totally. Had his records removed and all. And my mom's sealed to my stepdad now. I don't know exactly how things will end up working out. I mean, I have faith that they WILL ... but I'm not so concrete as to the HOW of things ... but, when I sing, as in the Primary song, that "Families can be together forever" and "I always want to be with my own family," I've never considered NOT being sealed to my Nana and Pop-pop. But with my dad having removed himself from the situation ... well, things will work out. I know, I KNOW, that Heavenly Father wants me to be happy. And I can't see a way that I would be happy without maintaining those family links. So I KNOW that something will work out. And that's a definite reason to keep on working on my family history and making sure that all the other temple work gets done ... so that, when the time comes that there IS an answer, I'll be ready. And I can be sealed to Nana and Pop-pop and their families.

So ... yeah. I'm ... yeah.

I'm just living by faith in this. Having the answers NOW (or years ago) would be nice. But, well, it's an opportunity to live by faith, right?

A bit of resolution ... not overall ... but mentally, I guess

I'm doing better.

I mean, yeah, I'm still disappointed about the whole date-that-mostly-fell-through-because-our-friend-wasn't-there ... but, you know, she has her life and she makes her own decisions.

I did find the original appointment card ... which states that if you can NOT make the appointment to contact her in advance. Nowhere did it say to contact her to confirm the appointment. So ... well, I do feel a bit justified. Since I was never asked to confirm.
Still, it's a bummer that, as Michael stated, she didn't place near the amount of importance on our appointment as I/we did. Oh well.
(Especially since if it had happened, I could have told lots of folks about it and how cool it was and what I learned ... but, well, now I can't. Sad.)

Vesper's picked up a cough again. She was coughing a TON yesterday evening. Enough so that I stayed home with her from Bruce and Zoë's concert (Michael and Mom and Dad C were there). Then, this morning (after coughing off and on through the night), she's FINE. Now, three hours without any coughing, she's coughing again. What's up with that?

Tomorrow, Michael and I are going to our first -con ... Up in P-Town, there's a comic-con this weekend. We got tickets through an online coupon site for about half-price. Pretty nice. This should make up for the date-that-didn't-happen.

But, yeah, between a fun date that's something we've always wanted to do and Aunt Flo vacating my life (until her next visit. Joy, oh joy! [she said dripping with sarcasm]), life is getting tons better (not that it wasn't good to begin with ... but it's better).

I've been going through my bookmarks ... so, if you're on Pinterest and wondering what the heck I'm posting a couple hundred pins the last few days ... well, be aware that now, instead of around 200 Crafting bookmarks, I'm down to less than ten (and those bookmarks are mostly stores that I mean to shop at sometime). And I've already gotten more than 150 of my cooking bookmarks over onto Pinterest. (Just another 140 or so to go! All my C, H, R, and S bookmarks left. Then I'll only have around a dozen that won't or don't get pinned left.)

And, since I'm on Pinterest, I might as well go through some of the boards that I've bookmarked to go through later ... and, since one of them (and then a second that I found THROUGH that first board) are church-related, then I have a couple dozen new pins there. #PinterestAddiction

However, I do have to say that going through those boards is really helpful. I just want to squeeze my kids and tell them that I love them, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love them ... that sort of thing.
I know it's really kind of silly that going through a few links seems to strengthen my testimony ... but, well, that's how it really is.
(Our leaders and general authorities give some wonderful quotes. I really love that they make sure to let all of us know about how much we are loved. And how precious we are to Heavenly Father and Jesus. It's ... awesome.)

So, yeah. That's most of what's gone on.

And, in other news, Bruise and Bucket are grounded AGAIN off electronics. Bruise snuck the Nintendo DS (which is MINE, by the by ... even though I let the kids use it more than I do) into their room. Then he and Bucket, after Michael told them NOT to get in each other's beds (Bucket and Bruise more often than not sleep in the same bunk. I warn them that this will need to stop soon, since they definitely need to be over this by the time they serve missions or go to college or whatever), were in Bucket's bunk, so she could watch Bruise play his new game ... and then, when Michael went in, Bruise lied and said that they were playing with Bucket's light brick (LEGO nightlight) ...

Yeah ... crazysauce and a half.

So, even though it hadn't even been two weeks since they LAST got in trouble (Bruise sneaking in his tablet into his bunk to watch Minecraft YouTube videos with Bucket in her bunk), they're grounded again. ...

But, in the meantime, the screen protector for Bucket's new tablet (for her birthday) and the cases for their tablets have come in. I've got everything all set up. They just need to get un-grounded, charge up the tech, and they can play again.

BUT I'm going to be a great big meanie ... they have to do their Duolingo (language study) before they can play. And that still counts EVEN if they have friends coming over after school.

It's a little irksome, though, since we had JUST been talking about obedience and stuff in our morning devotionals ... Well, apparently, I should have just been teaching them about repentance instead, right?

Still even with that, the kids do funny stuff. ... and stuff that can make me proud.

Yesterday, Bubbles picked out (as her movie to watch) The Nightmare Before Christmas. (Usually she watches The Lion King or Frozen or The LEGO Movie or Tinkerbell. So it warmed my cold, shriveled heart that she's branching out.)

Also yesterday, after Bucket got home from their concert, she came in and, seeing the cat sleeping on the couch, pronounced, "Freyja!! Did you miss me??"
"Desperately," I replied.
"She said sarcastically," rejoined Bucket.
Yes, I totally laughed. I was quite chuffed that she did that.

Bruise has been really sweet ... besides the lying episode, of course.
Without being prompted, as soon as he saw there were cookies set out after their concert, he announced that he needed to bring one home for Bubbles.
That and since, prior to grounding, he and I had watched some silly videos on YouTube (like Cedric the Entertainer's "Que Hora Es" skit), so Bruise will enter the room and announce, "QUE HORA ES?!?!?!!" It's pretty awesome.

I'm fighting off the last vestiges of that sinus infection. And an impending ear infection. And I'm a whole book behind in scripture reading. (My goal? Read the Book of Mormon [not for the first time, but for the first time this year] by my birthday.) ... I would guess that's related to pinning a couple hundred things on Pinterest and reading a book every couple of days (Working my way through my holds ... which means that I'm working my way through the THOUSANDS of books on my TBR list). ... I need to put my scriptures on a higher priority. And I really could get caught up in an hour or two. So I SHOULD do that. TODAY. Before I get behind any more.
... Then I should read ... Well, probably the New Testament all the way through again. Then I can tackle the Doctrine and Covenants next. I'll save the Old Testament for 2016, how's that?
I mean, I have read through all of these before ... but it's been ... almost two decades. That's really sad. (And it's why I really miss Seminary and Institute.)

And I should do more Family History. Dad and L say that Uncle S has a binder of new information that he got from his new friends (who lead the local Scottish Heritage group in their neck of the woods). I'd be good to find out for sure if Pop-pop's side is Scottish or actually German (since the great-great...-great grandfather who immigrated over came over with the Hessians and married his (first) wife in Prussia. If nothing else, I know that Nana's stock DOES come from bonny ol' Scotland ... In fact, Uncle M bears an uncanny resemblance to one of her uncles, who fought as part of the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders. It's really funny/interesting, seeing that picture of great-great-uncle David ... and seeing Uncle M dressed in the plaids.

And not just because Uncle M's middle name is David. Works out really well, doesn't it?
Just like, when Bruise was in the Veterans' Day Parade, his Cubmaster remarked to me how he looks just like one of the pictures (of veterans in our family) that we submitted for display on the float.
"Oh, yes. That's because that's a picture of [Pop-pop ... whom Bruise was named after, well, his first name]."
"But if couldn't be a picture of [Bruise]. It was a grown man."
"*lol* [Bruise] is named for [Pop-pop], my dad's dad. But, yes, I did see the resemblance when he was born. It assured me that, yes, I did name him correctly."

Yup, that's my life in a nutshell ... infuriating and infatuating.

Well, I should feed the munchkin and do laundry or something useful. And read scriptures. And finish painting a cupboard door.

Less than a week! Do you feel spoiled?

Yes, I'm actually blogging with it being just LESS than a week in between posts.

No, I don't have anything wildly exciting to post.

So ... yay?

Let's see ... what all has gone on?

• Michael and I had ourselves a date-day ... over 24 hours of being together, sans kids (this is due to our excellent family. If you marry into a great family, you should TOTALLY live near them. Here are a few reasons why:)
  So, Michael FINALLY got to have his last two wisdom teeth out. By our brother-in-law, K.
  I drove Bubbles up to stay with Mom C, Michael dropped Bruise and Bucket off at school (to be picked up that afternoon by Mom C [told you she's awesome], and we headed out to K's office (about 3 hours' drive -- coastal roads aren't the most direct, especially when one bridge is out).
  Michael's oral surgery goes without a hitch, except for K being extremely busy ... because he's that good, y'all. Not just saying that because he's related.
  I ended up surrendering my tablet to another guy in the waiting room. His mom had an appointment ... and, well, he's got some learning disability. So, he asked if I had games on my tablet ... and well, it was a long wait, anyways. I wasn't the most comfortable ... but I also had a book, too, so it's not like I was just sitting there bored out of my skull.
  Michael's wisdom-teeth extractions, as I mentioned, went well. We head over to a local drugstore to get his medication before we head back home. We call Mom C and tell her, YES, we'll take her up on the offer for the kids to spend the night ... since we're not even going to get to our town before 9pm.
  We head home -- I drive most of the trip back. First time driving the work truck (since Michael's on a low dose of Vicodin after surgery) ... AND it's dark AND the highway is just one-lane-each-way (with a couple passing spots) AND the roads are a little damp (but it's NOT raining then, thank goodness!!) ... Yeah, I was ready for sleep as soon as we were home, really. 
• The next morning, we get up, go out to breakfast (Michael had a cinnamon-sugar crepe and a strawberry-vanilla cremosa [Italian soda with cream], I had a chicken-bacon crepe and an Irish-creme-flavored Steamer [steamed milk]), then we went to our local mall for a wellness fair. I picked up some DoTERRA samples, we set up an appointment for January for having a friend check out our irises ... We also picked up Bruise some new shoes (his old trainers/sneakers had a hole in them) and some more pants ... and skedaddled over to Mom and Dad C's.
• We ate lunch, visited with family, helped Bruise, Bucket, and Bubbles to carve their pumpkins.
  Bruise has a "screaming castle" (from a stencil book), Bucket has "Betty the Bat," and Bubbles has what I like to call PumpkInception: there are three jack-o-lanterns on her jack-o-lantern.
• Then Michael and I scurried up to the temple. We were going to do an endowment session before the Stake Temple Trip's chapel session (and I LOVE me a chapel session -- the Temple President will talk to the group. I always learn something new. And, unlike a regular Sacrament Meeting/Stake Conference/Ward Conference, I don't have to deal with children climbing over/on me ... so I listen SO MUCH BETTER.)
  We did NOT make it in time for an Endowment session, due to the wind storm knocking a tree onto the interstate ... so we did Initiatories instead. ... There have been some changes in how they're done --- not so much the words, but ... yeah. And I rather miss the old way. But it still is very good. And it'd been about a year since I had done any before ... so I have no complaints. It's good to do them, this way I get to listen/learn the covenants better.
• Then we headed back, took the kids home, started reading "The Halloween Tree" to them ... and got to bed.
• Sunday was church. Bubbles was in fine form (TIRED!!) ... we dealt with a lot of kids crying. I was rather drained by the end of Nursery.
  After church, Bruise and Bucket worked on cleaning their room. It's MUCH better. Still tons of room for improvement ... but, hey, you can WALK in there now!
• Monday, the missionaries came over for a bit. It was Sister Palmer's last time over (she's gone home now). They stopped by later to pick up laundry, since there were a lot of things for them to get done before Sister Palmer left.
  They came back while J and I were Visiting Teaching (It's so sweet/nice that P will come TO my house so I can VT her without schlepping all my brood over. ^_^).
• Yesterday, I took the kids to Strings (at their school, before school starts), then went to pick up WIC. Then Bubbles and I chillaxed until my mom came for a visit. We did some Christmas shopping (Thanks, Amazon!) and had a good visit ... and lunch at Applebee's. Yum.
• Got the kids off for school today. I had them take a nap after Mom left ... and it helped. I think they'll be taking a nap today, too. But not tomorrow, since they'll have a friend over.

I also need to pick up brown hairspray for Bruise's costume. And do a test-run for Bucket's costume ... I'm sure that I have about everything needed, since I hoard makeup. Just need to look at some pictures first.

I think that I'll take a nap today, too. I got one on Monday ... albeit a short one ... but, oh, that was sure nice. I just have to figure out dinner, right?

At least I know we have enough milk. Ha ha ha.

Paddleboats, Pinterest, Parenting, and Disappointment

It's been a busy last few (six) days.

I skipped the playdate last week ... Mom came up and we went out to McDonald's (the kids love it!) ... Bucket ate a salad instead of getting a kids' meal. Her choice. And they all loved playing at the PlayPlace.
We also went to Wal-Mart and got ice cream.

Thursday was a special bank day -- the kids get certain "dollars" for deposits into their savings account to buy some toys/things. And, once a year, there's a day that the toys are on a sale and all the kids who go to the bank get a goodie bag. ... And this was the first year we made it. Bruise got a light-wand (which Bubbles tripped while holding, so that didn't last too long) and a flashlight. Bucket got one of those little purses with a fake dog in it. Bubbles got a little white stuffed doggie and a light-up tambourine.

I also tried to be a good granddaughter and called my Nana. She really can't hear well over the phone, which is unfortunate ... but she did enjoy the fact that I called.

Friday, after we worked at cleaning up a bit, after Michael got home from work, we went to the local play-pool ... and played for a couple hours. Bruise and Bucket went down the huge waterslide a few times. Bubbles got to work on her swimming, since she wasn't wild about climbing on the kids' structure or the little waterslide.
Then she napped HARD at home ... about 4PM until about 10PM ... So we made sure she ate dinner. Then she and I watched cat videos on YouTube for about an hour and I put her back to bed for the night.

Saturday, we were pretty busy. Went to a few stores. Michael helped a family move in. Took the kids to the mall's kids' club (petting zoo, bubbles, painting, sidewalk chalk, and prizes this time. Bruise chose a Hot Wheels car. Bucket opted for little bracelets (which broke within an hour, really), and Bubbles got a little Winnie-the-Pooh puzzle). We took the kids to the paddleboats. Michael went with all three kids while I took pictures from the shore.
I was chatting with another gal. Who mentioned her father's name ... turns out she's the daughter of one of my stepdad's good friends from when my stepdad lived up here. So, we chatted about family (I went to the same ward as her younger brother) ... we're friends on Facebook now. She's a lovely person (I knew ABOUT her for years before we ran into each other. Everyone loves her. As they should).

Then we all went to Costco and to our ward (congregation) BBQ social.
We got home late ... the kids were in bed nearly two hours after their bedtime.
Michael and I watched an episode of Portlandia and soaked our feet.

Sunday started out pretty well. I didn't yell TERRIBLY much. *sigh*
But I also did totally lose track of time while checking my email then starting to read the lessons for Sunday School and Relief Society. Oops.
We were ALMOST late. We left twenty minutes later than I usually do ... but we were still there before the opening prayer. Which tells you how terminally early I am for church on a regular basis. Heh heh heh.

Monday, the missionaries (we have sisters in our ward right now) came over to do laundry. The kids and I had worked to keep the house clean. It worked. (Especially after all the work we did to clean the front rooms before my Visiting Teachers came over Sunday afternoon.)
Good times. We have three great sisters serving in our ward. And it's really nice for Bruise, Bucket, and Bubbles to develop friendships with them and to help serve them.

Mom called, telling me that it didn't look like she could come up this week ... which is doubly sad, since it'd be her birthday, too. So I called my Aunt J so she knew that the trip probably wasn't happening.

It's even sadder when your mom is trying not to cry over the phone. Poor mom. :(

Last night (being EARLY Tuesday morning, I wake up to the home phone ringing.
It's my stepdad. He's not speaking very clearly ... something about "hospital."

I'm awake and it's not even 2AM. I debate on what to do.
I call his cell phone, since he's obviously awake.
He tells me, slurring a little (he takes some strong meds), that he's fallen out of bed and has "broken his hip." Could I call Mom (in the bedroom next to his) and have her take him to the ER?
I tell him that I will. And that, if the paramedics DO end up coming, they'll have to break down a door, since he locks the doors.

So, I call Mom's cell ... she's asleep and doesn't answer (or her cell isn't in her bedroom ... they used to have working home phones, but my stepdad keeps saying that he'll fix the phone line ... and he hasn't. It's been a few months now).

So, I leave a voicemail on her phone, letting her know what's going on. And that I hope C hasn't really broken his hip. And that I hope it's really nothing, he gets back in bed, and she has a happy (relaxing) birthday.

I call HIS phone back ... which he doesn't answer ... which tells me that his hip is probably NOT broken, since you can't sleep through pain like that that quickly.

Well, about ten minutes later (I find out LATER), she checks on him ... and takes him to Emergency where he's adamant that he's broken his back. (He hasn't. Not even a fracture.) But the workers there couldn't understand him (slurring/garbled), but when Mom mentioned that he has been diagnosed with dementia, they're all, "Oh!! Yeah, that explains that. Since a fall off the bed wouldn't affect his speech like that."

So, Mom called at 6AM (probably when they got home from the ER) to explain and apologize. Apparently, he's done this to his kids. And he told Mom that she left him lying on the floor (screaming and calling) for hours. (Really, MAYBE 30 minutes. And he THINKS he's being loud, but is mumbling). So, yeah.

So, I had inspiration while in the shower. I called the local florist down there and had some flowers sent over for Mom's birthday. And then I helped do a kiva.org loan (An Ecuadorian gal now has that last bit of funding to start growing soybeans and corn).

Took that kids to their last swim lesson. Bubbles and I swam for a little over an hour, too.

And now I'm tired.
And still a bit bummed for my mom.
But ... oh well.

And then I disappear for a month ...

I do have some excuses ... sinus infection ... then an ear infection bad enough to send me to the doctor's (twice!) ... but I keep meaning to post something ... and then I don't.

So, what's happened for the past month (and a half)?

Well, forefront on my mind is the fact that Robin Williams has passed ... it seems that he committed suicide.
And ... it makes me so morose.
Michael stated, "It makes no logical sense for him to be depressed." (Since he was a comedian and such a wonderful person, working to help others to smile, you see.)

Whereas, I differ in opinion ... I think that only someone well-versed in sorrow would appreciate laughter as much as Robin Williams did. And part of me wonders, "If only ..."
If only he had Home Teachers or just a friend who saw/sensed past his cheerful facade ...
If only we didn't make mental health such a forbidden/"shameful" topic ...
If only ...

But, as sad as this is, I do know that we have a loving and merciful Heavenly Father.
He knows all ... and will take this knowledge and understanding into account.

And the Church Handbook of Instructions (vol 2) says this:
"It is wrong to take a life, including one’s own. However, a person who commits suicide may not be responsible for his or her acts. Only God can judge such a matter." (21.4.14)

Which, in comparison to some religious tenets (e.g., all suicides are damned), gives me hope. A lot of hope for this poor man who lost his joy.

My heart hurts for how sad he must have been, how alone he felt, to decide that not living was his best possible choice.
And my heart hurts for his family and friends ... and all of us who love and respect him.
(Yes, even myself.)

Things like this make me wonder what else I could/should be doing to help people around me ... people that I might actually have contact with ... to be aware that someone cares, that they matter, that there is help, that they are loved and valued and that things (no matter how dark it seems presently) WILL get better ... and that people WANT to help.

I'm powerless in some situations (like never having even MET Mr. Williams, so it's not like I could just call him up and invite him over for cheesecake or something) ... but there has to be something that I'm not aware of that I CAN do.

Even if it's just to hug my kids a little bit longer/tighter.
Or to smile at a stranger.

There has to be something.

----------------------------------------------------------

Okay, that's probably enough introspection. If I continue on like that, you'll start to wonder who that is and what they've done with the regular shallow-ish, often sarcastic, weirdo that you've come to know and (I can hope) love.

So, what all have we done since I last posted? 
(A lot)
(Too much. I'll sum up.)

• The kids had fun with their soccer academy ... late evenings for us all. But they learned a lot and developed some good skills.
  Their head coach had an accent. Maybe Scottish? And he'd call them "cheeky monkeys."
  Bucket was (80% of the time) the only girl. Usually there were maybe four kids, so they all got a lot of one-on-one coaching.
  Bucket has a good instinct for strategy. Bruise is fearless and doesn't hesitate in going after the ball.
  Bubbles really likes vending machines.
• Whereas most Cub Scouts activities have been put on hiatus for the summer, Bucket still has Activity Days (which she loves). 
• Bruise had Day Camp (Cub Scouts) ... during the week where I had my ear infection. So, I didn't help carpool or anything. In fact, a couple days, people came to our place to pick him up and drop him off. I felt like a goober, being so helpless ... but I really do appreciate the service that people were eager to extend. (I love my ward family. They're awesome.)
  He had a great time. I'm glad that he was able to go.
• We've been feeding our missionaries more often. (Doesn't hurt that they come over on P-day to do laundry.) It's nice to know them so well. We chat a lot and make jokes and have fun. And I'm getting better and better at making vegetarian dishes (One of the sisters here can't digest meat. The sister she "replaced" couldn't eat meat or gluten. The one before her with food restrictions was gluten-intolerant ... It's been interesting, but has helped me learn some fun dishes ... or helped me realize some dishes that I make on a semi-regular basis that work for all these things.)
  It's nice that I have a standing future-plans date for AT LEAST one of these sisters to come back and visit ... and we'll have a movie night. I like things to look forward to.
• The kids had their dental work done. Bucket's front tooth has a filling to replace the part that chipped. (We had tried gluing it. By "we," I mean the dentist. It lasted maybe four hours. ... This should last around a decade or more, if she takes care of it.) Bruise had a filling.
• The kids have had private swimming lessons with Bob. He's our favorite swim coach. The kids have made progress. I don't know if they're ready yet to swim in the deep end, but they're doing so much better than at the start of the summer. And, since we have punch cards now, we have an excuse to go to the pool every so often, right?
• My Roxy-sis came down to spend the day a few weeks ago.
  (The day after Bucket sprained her toe ... Well, it's what you get if you run in the house and smash it against the couch AFTER your mom and dad BOTH tell you to STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE.) After taping up Bucket's toe, we took Auntie Roxy to lunch (Thai food, yum) and then downtown to look around. We went to the tea shop and then to the carousel museum. Then we went back to the house to cool down (it was crazy-hot).
• We've done some fun things with the town's summer passport kids' program. We tie-dyed (Bruise did a big scarf/cape. Bucket did an infinity scarf. I did a bag for Bubbles ... and "fixed" a pair of her leggings that had gotten stained.) We also went to a pizza dinner.
• I got Freyja-cat some medicine (kitty Prozac and flea treatment). Good stuff.
• We went to a movie at the park ... It was fun to see The LEGO Movie again on a big screen. We also liked watching so many bats flittering and soaring above us.
• We cleaned the church one weekend.
• I shared some Shanna Swendson books with a friend.
• We saw a local production of "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers."
• The kids got to go to a friend's baptism.
• Michael and Bruise went camping with Uncle C (Michael's brother), Cousin C, and Dad C ... they had lots of fun at a lakeside campground. C (Uncle) was the only one to catch a fish ... and that one was maybe four inches long.
  The big excitement was when Bruise reached out too far while Dad C was appreciating nature (and wasn't paying attention to Bruise for that ONE second), and their canoe went over in the middle of the lake.
  Everyone was fine. (Uncle) C found it hilarious. Dad and Bruise were wet, but safe. Dad swam the canoe to shore. Bruise got a ride back with C and C in the other canoe. Michael was there at the shore for them (He had been at the campsite, but felt that something was wrong and raced back to the lake just in time to watch the canoe tip over.)
• While all that was going on, Bucket, Bubbles, and I spent the night at Grandma (Mom C)'s for a girls-night-in. Aunt A (my sister-in-law-in-law, since we married brothers, you see) and her girls B and I and H all came, too. (A had to leave early since she had to work, though).
  My girls and I helped Mom C bake cookies. After the other girls came, they all colored plates for a Pinterest project (Spoiler: It didn't quite work). We ate dinner, painted our nails, watched Penelope (Which Bucket impressed me ... she described it about five minutes in as "It's like Beauty and the Beast, but the girl's the beast." ... And she's really right.)
  Bubbles fell asleep, so I took her to bed (where she kicked me about once an hour and rolled off the bed once) while the other girls watched The Neverending Story.
  I also flooded Grandma's (Great-grandma's) bathroom. I flushed the toilet and water just KEPT COMING. And I couldn't find the spigot to turn it off. So I lean out the bathroom door and call out, "MOM?? I need HELP."  ... She thought that I had somehow managed to hurt myself. No, not this time. But she turned off the water, I got a plunger from another bathroom, and we got things mopped up and taken care of. (NO, GUYS. It was JUST PEE.) She assured me that that toilet randomly does that.
  We baked a tie-dye cake in the morning. Turned out pretty well.
• By the time we all got home, Michael and I were pretty bushed. We got the kids showered/bathed and fed. We got ourselves showered (and Michael got a haircut). We ate dinner, got the kids into bed, and went to bed early.
• Bruise and Bucket have both given talks in Primary at church.
• We went to the bank today to put the contents of the kids' piggy banks into their accounts.
• I've done some Visiting Teaching ... in fact, I've done my August VT already (the formal visits/contacts) ... so I just need to keep in touch so that I can be aware of any needs. Phew.

And that really brings us up to today.

I could tell you all about my ear infection. I can mostly hear out of my left ear. It's just muffled/clogged-feeling. But I ended up on Vicodin, ear drops, and oral antibiotics. When I do something, I don't do it halfway, do I?

The kids and I are reading through the "About Animals" volume of Childcraft. (We've done The Plant Kingdom earlier this summer, then Princess Academy.)

I had a couple weeks where I read books ... it was really nice. I should start that back up.

I finally got my accounts (through FamilySearch) to MyHeritage, FindMyPast, and Ancestry.com.
Kind of obsess with Ancestry.com. Loving my membership with it.

Bubbles is talking lots more. "Amma's ouse"/("Grandma's House") is a new one. As well as "Iggy Ank"/("Piggy bank"). It's pretty cute.
She also has been sucking her thumb WAY too much ... the skin was starting to slough off ... so we've been putting some ointment on it. It's looking much better.

And I think that's most things. Hopefully.

If I've forgotten something, maybe someone will remind me.