Sunday, November 08, 2009

In which I am not very grateful ...

NaNoWriMo is kicking my trash. It could have something to do with the fact that I didn't START writing yesterday until nearly 10 PM. And I was TIRED.


And hating money. ... Really, the fact that I don't have lots of monies. Monies pouring out of my ears. A money tree in the back yard with armfuls of cold, hard cash ripe for my picking.

If I had money, I could do lots and lots of things. I could go to the gym. I could buy clothes that make me look good (and not like a slightly-fat version of myself squeezing into clothes that I've had for years). I could buy shoes. I just want two pairs of shoes right now. A new pair of sneakers and a pair of cute black flats that I can wear with just about anything.

I could take my family to Disneyland. I could get caught up with bills and food storage. I could buy a family in Ethiopia a COW or a GOAT so they have milk for themselves and milk to sell and fertilizer for their garden (or, heck, if they're feeling especially silly, they could have a cow-pat fight!). I could do about ten loans and help ten people to start their own businesses. And once they've done that, they'd pay pack their loans and I could help MORE people.

I could have a savings account. I could be able to help out a friend or a family member. We could go traveling. We could buy land and a new manufactured home so that we can start work on our dream home sooner, rather than later ... if ever.

I think that I'm just approaching that time, iykwim...aityd. For some reason, it just hits me harder ... that we just aren't rich. We might never be well-off. And it just ... I don't know. I just don't like it. I WANT to be able to have the option to spoil Bruise and Bucket. I'd like to be able to not fret about what all we can AFFORD to give family for Christmas. I'd like to KNOW that our credit cards are paid off, that we don't owe anything on the car or student loans or anything like that. I'd like our debt to be just ONE thing -- the house.

Oh, hell. I have to finish getting ready and get the kids in the van and go to church.
I love church, don't get me wrong. But right now, I'd like nothing more than to do what I did a good deal of yesterday -- lie in bed (or a bath) and escape life for a little by reading, reading, reading. This way I'm not dwelling on how long it'll be until payday. How the economy sucks (because if those damn banks would have started lending money immediately, my husband's company would be working plenty and he'd be getting that yearly bonus that we use to pay off the credit cards and splurge on Christmas things and get us through the first bit of the year until our tax refund comes in ... )

I know that things could be a lot worse off. Michael could be unemployed. The house could be repossessed. I, or Michael or the kids, could be sick -- really sick.

I know that I have lots to be grateful for.

Just, right this instant, it's difficult to remember all of that.

Just bear with me. Pet my hair and tel me that it'll be okay. That Mother Nature is a little witch and that I'm not a terrible, terrible person for being a bit materialistic.

But, gosh, I really wish that I had some funds to get Michael a cool present. ... I suppose he'll just have to settle for carnal favors or something. Which, knowing him, he'll be fine with. But I LIKE to give gifts. I LIKE to search through stores and find something that is PERFECT and has MEANING for the person I'm giving the gift to. And I HATE when I don't get that option. *sigh*

Now to get the kids ready and loaded so we don't miss church. *sigh*


Jennifer said...

If you guys are getting a big tax refund every year, you NEED to up your amount of exemptions on your w-4...

This will give you more $$ in your paycheck every payday and then you will not be giving the gov't an interest free loan. Just put the extra $$ in a savings account instead :) has a calculator to help you figure out how much to withhold,,id=96196,00.html

Nay said...

Rant and rave it out...go for it...doesn't it feel good!! Money is just a stick on that camel, eh! Its like every pay check we turn around at its gone! Anyway, aren't hormones a witch with a capital B!! I also find that reading is TOO good of an escape sometimes. Hence the 100 loads of laundry, screaming kiddos, and me curled up on the couch with a fantasy novel. Get the pix?? We all need an outlet! There is always tomorrow (or next week when the tylenol isn't needed ) ;-)

Counting ...

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