Been a while ... Whoops

 So, this pandemic ... am I right?

I started typing out information for looking into therapy ... 
Figured that since I wasn't ready to shell out over $300 out of pocket for online therapy, I'd just put it here so that I knew where it was. 

And maybe I'll just start using this for journaling again. Maybe that'd help.

My mental health has gotten progressively worse, especially with the pandemic. Stress is affecting my asthma. Yesterday, at church, I started crying and couldn't stop ... which I think is directly related to the upcoming lifting of the state mask mandate (even though out case numbers per 100,000, etc doesn't justify this direction).  I am pretty much always tired. I think I've regained all the weight that I had lost in 2020, but can't bring myself to check how much weight I've gained. I used to love to read, but can't focus on it easily. I wake up tired. I find it hard to be intimate, since I don't have much of a drive ... and can't get out of my head enough to recognize feeling desire. 

My mom, who was living with us, recently got remarried, which is GREAT and I'm so happy for her. But I also miss having her around as much. Which is totally selfish on my part. But we text or call nearly every day. I see her and my new stepdad at church. She also comes over twice a week.

I still am not really over my Nana passing away BEFORE the pandemic began. I don't deal well with death ... or anything that feels like abandonment. 

But, yeah, lots of stuff that's gone on or is ongoing.
High school is getting better academically for one of the big kids. The other ... is now ready to tackle some self-advocation.

One of my kids has been diagnosed with anxiety (did therapy and is on anti-anxiety medication). Another just got diagnosed with depression ... and is doing better on anti-depressant medication.

But, yeah, I left church after Sacrament Meeting because I started crying and couldn't stop. One of the big kids was home sick, so I made sure that Michael could bring home the other two (yes) and headed home. We watched a couple episodes of a show together and I felt better .... but I knew that I couldn't make it through Sunday School weeping and blowing my nose without attracting attention.

I won't have the option of leaving early next week ... since I am the one who broadcasts the Relief Society lesson for those who cannot attend in person. So I am going to maybe pop some Valerian or something and get a Priesthood blessing.

My ... outburst (inburst?) MAY have something to do with how people are talking about the upcoming ending of the state masking mandate. 
While I KNOW that the masking mandate doesn't mean that we CAN'T wear masks ... it's still ... just feeling so foolhardy. 
I ALSO REALIZE that, by ending this "permanent ban," it allows the state government to enact shorter masking mandates that would be enacted/ended by how many cases per 100,000 people or the percentage of positive new cases or if enough people (FINALLY) get vaccinated ...

But .... it's just ... not happy-making.

And there's the fact that I'm sure that I've regained all the weight that I lost ... but I can't bring myself to weigh myself and find out that my highest weight is some new number. And my back keeps getting sore. And my asthma is acting up (and I keep forgetting to take my daily allergy meds). And with my new hormonal IUD, I don't get a period (usually) and when I do, it's pretty light ... but I appear to STILL GET THE MOOD SWINGS, THANKS.

And I feel fat and unattractive and I don't like how I look in pictures. And I don't want to spend the time and money to go get my hair done, but I don't like it as it is. And my calves are still more swollen than before Bubbles was born.

And I used to LOVE reading. And I was SO LOOKING FORWARD to it during the shutdown. But then I had to constantly sit by a certain child so that SAID CHILD would pay attention to their teacher/class Zoom meeting ... so I couldn't focus on books and now it's hard to focus on books. And there are SO MANY BOOKS that I want to read, but I find it hard to sit down and focus. And then I reread something for comfort, which isn't a bad thing, but when you have a PILE from the library, you kinda want to, y'know, READ those before they're due ...

And then I can't keep up with the housework, because all I really want to do is to stay home, in bed, and maybe watch something ... but I usually can't decide what I even want to watch, so THAT takes me about 15 minutes that COULD have been spent WATCHING the show or folding laundry while I watch the show or cleaning/organizing something while LISTENING to the show ... and that's frustrating.

And we had to take the van in to the repair shop a few times. First to get it so that it wasn't draining the battery (one of the sliding doors wasn't on its track. Got that fixed) ... then so that it wouldn't RANDOMLY STOP WORKING WHILE I WAS DRIVING (so we replaced the ignition and fixed a windshield wiper, not related, but that was easy and a longstanding problem as it SHRIEKED whenever the rear wiper was used). 

THEN!! Last week, as I dropped off Bruiser and Bucket for early-morning Seminary, they couldn't CLOSE the passenger-side sliding door. And I had issues ... as in, it FLEW OPEN as I was driving home, then I DID get it closed, but it says that it's ajar ... and I was able to take it to the shop for a diagnosis. It needs new rollers on BOTH sliding doors ... but we'll do one at a time. The driver's side sliding door is on its way, but we can manage.
So, for the time being, we just have all the kids climb in and out through the passenger front door. Good times. 

I've managed to do a few household projects, cleaning-wise. Saturday morning, I cleaned out both the kitchen fridges. Only threw up three times. Didn't do the freezers, but those aren't too bad. We DO need to clean out/defrost the garage freezer ... but that'll wait for a bit.

Last week or so ago, I totally cleaned up the dining room tables ... and was pretty exhausted afterwards. 

In good news, Girl Scout cookies arrived. That's always a yummy development.

So, yeah, my head's a complete mess ... and I know that I could have it so very much worse, so I'm trying to be grateful for what I have ... even though it's not always easy.

ALSO in VERY GOOD NEWS, my mom got remarried a couple weeks ago!! Her husband is SUPER NICE and treats her so very well. I'm happy for them ... and I miss having her live with us desperately. But she comes over twice a week to hang out and we see them at church and we text or call nearly every day, ... and she only lives about ten minutes away (instead of over two hours, like what it used to be before she moved in with us). 

 So there are some bright spots along my slow melt into insanity. Yay!