Blindsided: Follow-up

So, I found that my friend passed of a heart attack.

Last night, before Michael confirmed her cause of death, I dreamt that we were driving by some apartments (apartments that I'm not aware that she had ever lived in).

As we were driving by, I saw her coming out, just having woken up, in her pajamas, before having brushed her hair, to get the mail.

I screeched at Michael to pull over and I jumped out of the car.

I ran up to her, "I thought you were dead!!"

"What? No, I'm fine!!" She laughed.

She gave me one of her awesome hugs and we laughed and it was so nice.

... Sometimes I don't like my dreams. I'd much rather that one be true than our actual reality.

At least the one where I talked to Pop-pop, we were both fully aware that he'd passed. And he still assured me that he was fine and it was good.

Between this and no cell service while Michael and Bruise were at the Father-son campout, so I had no idea if they were okay, if they'd even made it to the campsite, etc ... I'm kinda worked up. A lot. I don't like that.

I just wish that I could turn off my emotions for a while.
And I don't think that I'm making it to my friend's funeral ... I'm going to keep my boys in sight for the rest of today, I think.

And, is there any way to petition a cell tower out that way??? Just for my peace of mind?
Especially, since every other year, we've at least been able to call each other ... depending where in the campground we have stood.

Blindsided

I wish this were a happy post.

But I am just trying to process ... so bear with me.

I just got the news that one of my friends, a lady who I had visit-taught, passed away.
She passed just over a week ago. Her funeral is tomorrow.

Just a couple days before her passing, she had facebooked that she was having some health issues to where her doctor ordered a CAT scan. And that she wanted to be able to go back to her home state to help out her mom (who has cancer).

Apparently, she had facebooked in the morning on the day she passed. Just news stories and such.

I am going to miss her. She would send me links that she thought I'd be interested in.

When I first met her, she was not active at church. While I knew her, she became active. She was funny and sweet. She loves animals.

She has a teenage son (stepson, technically, but he's HERS) who went to school at my kids' elementary school. Her husband recently joined the church, which made her so happy.

The thought that came to me is that maybe she's gone on ahead of her mom, to help prepare things there. She can be the one to meet her mom really soon.

But I'm going to miss her. She's a real sweetie.

I just hate missing people. I really, really don't like it.

Don't mind me. I'm going to go cry in the shower. And shave my legs. Because I need to do that.
Especially if I'm going to her funeral (It's either Michael or me. And I should be prepared. ... We'd both like to be there, but there's Bruise and Bubbles's soccer games...).

yiggety yo ... it's been a while ...

So, I just haven't had a lot to say that I haven't said on Facebook.

But today, spilling over from yesterday ... there's some.

I just am feeling like a kinda crap mother.

Saturday was okay. Bubbles turned 6. We had a party for family, then went out for dinner (Still not wildly impressed with Red Robin. But I got my Poppin' Purple Lemonade, so it wasn't too bad. Michael's burger was still cold, though. Drat.) ...  The day before, she got to have a couple friends join her at the local bounce-house-place. I learned that the moms of Bubbles's friends know each other ... so all the kids AND all the moms are friends. That was a sweet deal. And we took little cupcakes (and cookies for the lactose-intolerant kids) to her classroom.

But ... Sunday was tougher.
We had discussed reverence last week for Family Home Evening. And Bruise agreed to NOT do sudoku during Sacrament Meeting (like ... Communion? But it's what LDS people call it). Bucket has started drawing stuff from Five Nights at Freddy's ... which I asked her to refrain from. Since we're, y'know, supposed to be thinking about JESUS. And I have put my foot down that they WILL put away their stuff and SING during the songs (all 3-4 of them).

Bubbles is doing her thing, looking over the back of our pew and distracting the people behind us. Michael's dealing with that.

At one point, I look over ... Bucket is on the FLOOR, buns pointed to the person bearing his/her testimony, with her head under the pew.

"Hey ... hey!" I hiss at her. "You need to be SITTING now. On the PEW." ... Basic stuff, right?

"FINE!!" She snarls back. "Then I WON'T look for my pen!"

And ... guys, I just ... I just couldn't handle being there, on the same pew.
I whispered to Michael that I was going to take a walk ... and I left the chapel, stepped outside, walked around the building to where I could walk in without running into too many people, did my best not to cry ... I found that the Relief Society (women's group) room was empty. So I popped in there, turned on the speaker, and listened to the other testimonies being borne. And I still worked at not crying. Because I looked nice. And crying would make me all puffy and red-faced and my mascara would run and I'd have tear-tracks through my foundation.

I managed. Then I had to find Michael (and my bag, which he had taken). and I helped a friend find pictures for her lesson (I have served as an assistant Ward [congregation] librarian before. Mostly, it's all about finding pictures, making copies, and ensuring that there's chalk, erasers, crayons, and TVs). I also ran into another friend to ask a favor (and she agreed. Awesome girl).
Then I hung with Michael and helped him get set up for teaching the YM during the third hour.
Then we went in late to Sunday School.

And we went home after, to drop the girls off. They made mac and cheese, but not enough ... so when Michael, Bruise, and I got back from dropping off an invite to one of Bruise's classmates, there wasn't lunch for me. And I was not happy.

I finished typing up the Relief Society newsletter and sent it out. Only one mistake ... and no one has called me on it yet (I didn't change the subject line from "test email - [date]" ... but that's better than last week when I left in the "forwarded message" gobbledygook at the top of the email  --- since I send myself a "test email" then send it to the rest of the Relief Society. Maybe next week, I'll remember BOTH bits?)

Then I made myself mac and cheese and went to bed. I read a little, then SLEPT HARD. I remember waking up when Michael came in to take a nap. I vaguely remember Bucket coming in and giving me a kiss on the cheek. I vaguely recall Michael instructing the kids to take out the trash.

I did have a crazy dream. We were in a different (not nicer, just different) house. And Michael was making a meal. And, when he handed it to me, my mug was filled with, like 1/4 full of noodles ... and the broth was filled with a clean, unwrapped pantyliner, wrappers from bandaids ... I was kinda ticked. It's a good thing that I realized it was a dream ... or else, when he came to bring me IRL dinner (which was NOT topped with garbage), I'd have been all, "Michael, WHAT the HELL?!?" and he'd have been confused.

I want to be a good mom. But I just don't feel like I'm ... making it.
The house is cleaner (still) than it's been in a long time. I do a daily morning devotional with the kids before they go to school. They're alive. They're fed. They have clothes, shoes, blankets ... but I just feel like I'm barely managing to tread water with Bucket.

I try to do things, spend time with her ... and then stuff like this happens.
At least Bruise and Bubbles are sweet to me, even when they're mad.

What am I doing wrong?  I mean, I must be doing something wrong.
It's not like I haven't read, like, a BAZILLION books about parenting crap ... but I'm just not getting it.

CrazyDreamChronicles™ ... a THEATRE production ... with MUTANTS!

So, last night, I dreamed that I was going to a middle-school production (since Bucket was recently in a school production of Annie, Jr.) ... and Bucket's choir teacher (who also is in charge of the drama department at her middle school), told me that she needed me to take over the role of Lily St. Regis.

Thankfully, since my dream-self is about 150 lbs lighter than my real-life self, I was about the same weight I was 6th-12th grade. ... Therefore, I could fit in a costume. And it was a 70s-era dress ... but, thinking about how fashion is cyclical, so MAYBE there were some 1930s style elements in it. And the dress kept evolving ... so at one part, I'm all, "HEY!! WHERE ARE THE SLEEVES?? THESE ARE SPAGHETTI STRAPS! ARE WE GOING TO HAVE A WARDROBE MALFUNCTION??" ... And, at another point, I look down and recognize the material of the dress as a floral scarf that I had bought at a resale store ...

Now, Bucket's friend (who REALLY played Lily in our local production) was MAD at me for taking her role ... but, hey, her teacher DEMANDED that I play it.

And I had a small excerpt of the script that I was furiously cramming. And it was NOTHING like the REAL script. Like there were aliens and flying and ...

Segue into another part of a dream, there were a LOT of us. And we were mutants (like X-Men-type mutants, not just genetic travesties). And there was another girl and we were like best friends and we all had to surround the White House, but it was VERY different, like Frank Lloyd Wright design with LOTS of big windows. And I'm pointing out to people, to try and help keep us all calm as we were preparing for a battle, (even though I've NEVER been to DC. Seriously, the farthest east I've been was a short trip to Mississippi, where we briefly went to Alabama and Louisiana) ... So I'm being a long-distance tour guide -- "That third floor? That's their work out area. See the treadmills? ... And the second floor, that's the meeting room. The bottom floor there? That's the lobby and cafeteria."

Yeah, I don't get it, either.

It was rather stressful and not very restive.

Crazy Dream Chronicles Strikes (Yet Again)

So, since I didn't post FIRST THING upon getting up, I only have snatches of last night's dream ...

• It was at a school.
• I was a janitor? Whatever, I was there with Michael after hours.
• There was a display case.
• In the display case (which was easily opened, ... this is pertinent a couple bullet points down)
• Part of the display is a tall, thin, skinny-oval egg. It's tan and speckled with darker brown, white, and black spots.
• The egg begins to crack/hatch.
• A little animal (about seven inches [or thereabouts] long squirms out.
• I pick it up.
• It's a beaver ... a very cute and tiny and well-behaved beaver.
• I don't know what to do with it
• I start to browse the internet [with incognito tabs, since I don't have a license for owning a beaver and I don't want to get in trouble, but it doesn't have a mom and I can't bear for it to starve, since it's a newly-hatched BABY ... and, YES, irl, I KNOW that beavers are MAMMALS and do NOT hatch from eggs] for BEAVER MILK, since I know that there's cat-milk for abandoned kittens, so NATURALLY there'd be BEVER MILK, OF COURSE.
  
  (There's a reason I call these "crazy dream chronicles" ... My subconscious is a very strange place.)
  
• I'm working my darndest to sell Michael on the idea of having a baby beaver.
• He's not really buying it, but agrees that we can foster it while we call a wildlife refuge to take decent care of it.
  
  
• But, I think that when we called, they couldn't take it for some amount of time, so I NEEDED to foster this critter.

And that was the main gist of my dream.

SPECIAL.

#52 Lists - List 2 - List Routines in Your Personal Life and at Work

Right now, I'm kinda horrible at routines.

Lets' see ... here's a typical day:

• Wake up to Michael's alarm. Fall back to sleep immediately. I'm sure he said a prayer and kissed me goodbye. I usually don't remember. #badwife
• Wake up slightly before my alarm(s). Check Facebook. Maybe remember to say a prayer. Maybe (on a REALLY GOOD DAY) get a shower early.
• Bruise is usually awake. Bucket and Bubbles are usually good about getting themselves up, too.
• Depending on the day, I might, after throwing on some clothes, take Bucket and/or Bruise to a club/class before school (Strings lessons twice a week, Girls on the Run twice a week, Musical Theater [technically twice a week, but conflicts with Strings ...], Track Club [if offered], ...). Otherwise the kids put together their lunches and catch the school bus.
  I try to have the older kids empty the dishwasher and dryer before they leave.
• Depending on the day, sometimes Bucket has activities [MusicMakers was Tuesday mornings. Library storytime is Wednesdays] ... sometimes I have Visiting Teaching.
  I nearly always get a shower before heading out. Standards, people, I have them.
• Come back from errands (or take a break from procrastinating). Eat lunch.
• Sometime during the day, I read to/with Bubbles.
  I also read myself. If I'm really lucky, I get a nap.
• Kids get home. Unload dishwasher (if it's been run), more laundry. Bruise makes sure to keep up his streak in Duolingo. They relax from school. Maybe go out and play. I figure out something for dinner.
• Michael gets home. We eat. We chill.
• Read scriptures and pray together as a family. Kids get ready for bed and go to bed around 8pm.
• Michael and I chill: chat, watch something (Netflix or the DVD from Netflix or a DVD from the library or something that we own). Sometimes we decide to play a board game or something instead. We head to bed around 10pm
• Since Michael wakes up earlier, he falls asleep sooner. If I can't sleep, I play on my phone until I'm tired ... then I sleep.

What do I like? 

• Spending time with Michael, for sure.
• Chilling with the kids
• Reading and praying as a family. If the schedule allows, not only do we do scriptures and prayer together, but I also read aloud to the kids. It allows me to share books I love with them.
  (The Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, Wonder, the Blossom Culp/Alexander Armsworth stories by Richard Peck, ... there are others, of course. But those are the bigger ones.)

What do I want to change?

• I think I need to start doing FLYlady again ... get more of a schedule for cleaning/housework.
• When the kids are all in school, I'm going to try to start volunteering at the library. I haven't volunteered at our local library ... but I'd love to get my shelving zen on again.
• I need to start planning meals. It'll make evenings (and days) a lot more organized.
• I also want to schedule individual time with each of my kids ... right now, between school making life a little zany, allergies kicking my trash so that I'm exhausted, the house being a sty ... well, it's not so easy to prioritize everything/everyone as they should be.
• I need to schedule prayer and scripture study for myself ... I know it'll be easier when the kids are all in school ... and when I have a housekeeping schedule in action (Think about it: Get up, get kids to school, throw dinner in the slow cooker, make a cup/pot of (herbal/Rooibos) tea, sit down at a (CLEAN!) table and read and ponder ... then go to the bedroom and have a prayer. After that, tidy up the house, run a vacuum, do a load of laundry and dishes, fold laundry while catching up on my Netflix queue ... run any errands/volunteering/Visiting Teaching ... read uninterrupted (or do a craft ... I do those sometimes!) ... kids get home, help with any homework/spend individual time, meet Bubbles at the bus, get her settled (maybe even a nap for her!), get dinner set out, clean up, scriptures/prayer/story-story ... time with Michael. Sounds pretty sweet, eh?
  Okay, maybe not exactly your cup of (herbal/Rooibos) tea ... but I'm comfortable knowing that I'm kinda boring.
  And I forgot to add going to PTC/PTO meetings and running the kids to soccer, ballet, Activity Days, Scouts, etc ... but you get what I mean.

I like being spontaneous ... but it would help to have a better-implemented schedule in place from which to veer, if you get what I mean?

Someday ... Someday.

Crazy Dream Chronicles: Celebrity Cameos

I'm not remembering much of my dreams ... but what I do recall? Wowza.

A couple nights ago, I remember, in my dream, being at a table. A light colored, round-ish table.
One of my (VERY, VERY EXTENDED) cousins, C, was there.
Pulling up a chair and swinging into it, next to her, was Chris Hemsworth.
They were obviously friends. They joked and bantered ... he playfully pretended to give a chomp to her neck.
Wacky fun.

(And also, NICE! Good for C, getting to be friends with CHRIS HEMSWORTH!! Even if it's just in my dream.)

Last night, I remember that, in my dream, Michael and I ... and other people ... were walking through a house? A house museum?

Regardless, in the dream, there was a narrow flight of stairs. Not TOO narrow.
But I bumped my purse (something that happens VERY often, irl, since I try to be prepared for nearly anything ... which necessitates carrying around THE PURSE OF DOOM™) ... where was I?
That's right ... I bumped my purse into JOSH GROBAN.

And then, classy dame that I am, I started doing the impression of Josh Groban from Kid Snippets.
CLASSY.

However, Josh Groban was CHARMED and DELIGHTED and asked me to do it again. And he walked me down the stairs on his arm. Very nice boy, he is.

And, NO, my Kid Snippets Josh Groban impression is not really that good at all.
Just being honest.

.... Now, WHY are these folks showing up in my dreams?
I suppose because Cousin C has Disney Princess hair ... so it makes sense to pair her with the Marvel Superhero (since they're now owned by Disney) with godlike hair.

And Josh Groban has been showing up a lot on my Facebook feed advertisements...

But, no, it doesn't really make all that much sense. Not a lick of sense, really.

Review - Daisy VoxBox from Influenster

** DISCLAIMER: I received a box of free samples to review from Influenster. The products were all complimentary. The opinions are honest and sincere, since you cannot buy my integrity.**

Okay, with that disclaimer out of the way, let's get on to reviewing swag!

DA BOX OF FREEBIES

Open Sesame!

The lineup

You can't tell the players without a program!

THE REVIEWS

Always Infinity Pads 

These are my go-to brand ... and I was thrilled to get a sample (Because I had used the emergency pad in my purse when I was having a coughing fit for non-menstrual-but-anyone-who's-given-birth-would-understand-reasons ... do I have to spell it out? [I typed that first as "do I have to SPILL it out. Freudian Slip?]).

They sent me pads for a heavy flow ... it's like they know me.

ALSO, part of the box was a coupon. That's handy.

It's a little hard to review a product that I already have used (I don't always got for the Infinity ones) ... But, suffice it to say that I dig these. They work. That's important. Since I hate doing more laundry than I have to.

Dannon Light & Fit Yogurt

 There's a coupon for yogurt. It reminds me a bit of the old Target:Women video by Sarah Haskins:  

At the same time, I do really like yogurt. I like eating yogurt, drinking yogurt, eating yogurt-covered dried fruits ... I'm a yogurt-lovin' fool.

But, yes, the yogurt was good. Tasty. A bit thinner than I'm used to eating lately, since my heart belongs to Greek-style yogurt (or Noosa ... that's good stuff). But hey, a free yogurt! What's not to like, right? (Unless it's a free GREEK-STYLE YOGURT!)

Nature's Bounty Probiotic Gummies

These also came with a coupon.

Given my druthers, I prefer all vitamins/medicines possible to be in gummy form.

These are tasty ... I don't know, though, if they've improved my gut flora. (TMI, I'm sure: I've been crazy flatulent and have loose stools. Maybe these are TOO EFFECTIVE? Maybe one shouldn't be taking gummies for vitamins AND fiber along with these? Maybe I should eat more whole foods? Maybe I should get an enema? [I hope not])

Regardless, these are tasty enough. They're really firm gummies. (The Up and Up brand of Melatonin gummies are MUCH softer. But I know that optimal-gummies-texture is a very personal thing.)

SkinnyPop Sea Salt Microwave Popcorn

It's a pretty nifty idea to advertise microwave popcorn that pops into a box for eating (so you don't get the popcorn oil/salt all over your knuckles and the back of your hand while double-fisting handfuls of popcorn. ... What? You're telling me that's NOT how you eat popcorn, too?

It's cool that they use only three ingredients. I'd be happier if they used something that wasn't Palm Oil (THINK OF THE ORANGUTANS!)  ... maybe coconut oil? 

Setting up the box was pretty easy. And I liked the "pop quizzes" (There were two.)

That's SO fetch!!

Popping the popcorn was pretty simple ... if you've made microwave popcorn that even I can't manage to scorch, that's a pretty big accomplishment.

This is after sharing with my daughter ... it WAS full to the top!

Eating it:  It's definitely not too salty. But, since I'm used to the regular, fatty microwave popcorn, I'm missing that fake-butter flavor. I can't tell if it's the palm oil that tastes so different or if I'm just expecting that movie-popcorn-butter flavoring. Regardless, my mouth felt a little waxy after each mouthful. But my lips weren't covered in that salty, fake-butter film ... so ... okay.

I shared some with my youngest daughter (after I took the other kids to school). She liked it, but agreed that she likes "butter popcorn" more.  (Score one for Paula Dean!)

I think that I'd try this  popcorn again ... maybe check out another flavor (Looking online, there IS a butter-flavored option -- There are three additional ingredients, but they're all pronounceable, so that's cool. I might pick some up to try). The packaging, though is pretty awesome. And I like that I didn't burn the popcorn at all. 

Of course, since I had to go to their website, now I'm wanting to try some of the other flavors available in their bagged popcorn (You had me at "Dusted Dark Chocolate").

Though, the more that I got through the box of popcorn, the more I thought about it as an idea for my kids' lunches ... None of the popcorn was very oily, so it'd pack really well. Maybe I am getting sold on this, after all. (That's the danger of free samples, you know.) 

Live Clean Coconut Milk Shampoo and Conditioner

 These smell AMAZING. I'm a sucker for coconut-scented things. When I was in high school, especially during the winters, I'd throw caution to the wind and use Suave shampoo and conditioner most days, just so that my hair would smell like summertime. So, using this is a throwback to my high-school genius. ... Though these smell more like a sweet coconut, as opposed to the fake, suntan-lotion coconut smell. Still, if my hair were longer, I'd be pulling it to my nose to sniff all day.

When I used the shampoo, I noticed that it didn't lather up as much as my usual Biologe. I checked the back of the bottle, sure enough, it's because it doesn't have sodium lauryl sulfates (SLS), which is supposed to be much better for one's hair. I liked how clean my hair felt afterwards. I might have to try this on my older daughter's hair. I definitely did need a conditioner afterwards.

The conditioner (among other things) is silicon-free ... which should be really nice on my baby-fine hair.  Once I ran it through my strands, I was a little worried that I used too much ... Nah, I'm good. I combed through my hair with my wide-toothed comb and ... my hair felt pretty amazing.

 After using the paper mask (reviewed last), I took my hair out of its microfiber wrap and combed it out again. I even pulled out my hair dryer and helped speed along the drying process (which I barely ever do. 95% of the time, my hair dryer is used to help dry my make-up setting spray. No lie.) ... I don't have the patience to dry my hair fully, so I just usually let it air-dry (99% because I'm lazy).

Yes, I put on some makeup: moisturizer, concealer, powder, eyeliner, mascara, and clear eyebrow gel.

 But, seriously, my hair is SUPERSOFT. And I usually pride myself on my soft hairz ... but my hair is REALLY soft right now. And it still smells amazing. I didn't notice as many bits of my hair being as flyaway as normal, either. ... This necessitates further study. Thank goodness there are full-bottle-samples of shampoo and conditioner, not just the little travel-size pouches. Because I need to see if this is an every-time result. FOR SCIENCE. 

Say Yes to Tomatoes Detoxifying Charcoal Paper Mask

"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!" ... And I hope that this doesn't offend anyone. This is not supposed to be blackface.

I think that paper masks are great ... mostly because they look creepy as all-get-out.  (You can tell the few times that I've used one in the past because I post it to Facebook and make jokes about "it rubs the lotion in its skin." Because I'm a classy woman like that.)

I've used some of the Say Yes to products before. And I've liked them mostly (I was SUPERBUMMED when the tube of Say Yes to Tomatoes Charcoal Warming Mask that I had bought broke before I even got halfway through it [I'm a superfan of those warming masks, THANKS BIORE, YOU ENABLER. I've been spoiled since high school, thanks to your self-heating mask! Such innovation! No, that's NOT sarcasm, that's SINCERITY.]).  ... ...  So I was looking forward to using this mask. Especially since it warned about giving a "tingly" sensation. ON YOUR FACE!

 I don't know that it's terribly tingly ... it's a little more intense than a bubble mask, though, when a breeze blows through, I'm more aware of it. I noticed it most under my nose (since I was constantly breathing on it), later I noticed it on my cheeks.

I find that with how the paper mask is cut, it's made for someone with a longer and slightly narrower face than mine ... and with a smaller, wider nose. Also, this is the first time that I had a paper mask that I COULD cover my eyes with. Right now, I'm typing with the eye-flaps folded down like panting-dog-tongues below my eyes. It's a little weird for my peripheral vision. 

Do I creep you out?

It smells nice. But, in my limited experience, everything by the Say Yes to line has smelled really pleasant. Whenever I'd adjust it, my fingers (besides smelling really nice) would be very silky soft from the essence/serum/whatever-its-called-I'm-not-a-professional-beauty-blogger-I'm-not-paid-to-know-this-I-just-got-a-free-product-to-review. 

Here I am, post-mask ... All glowy with essence-y-stuff

So, after the mask, I ... for lack of knowing what else to do, rubbed the rest of the essence/liquid-stuff into my skin. My face felt super-smooth (and smelled amazeballs). There's the picture of me ... right above this paragraph. I look pretty darn glow-y and dewy and all. Between washing my face prior to the mask (Mario Badescu Enzyme Cleaner and St. Ives Apricot Scrub) and using the mask, the pores on my face are looking pretty darn nice! 

_____________________________________________________

And so concludes my off-the-cuff reviews of these products. I might have to buy the shampoo and conditioner. I'll give the paper mask another try (maybe while eating microwave popcorn with my older daughter). I'm not totally sold on the probiotic gummies or the yogurt. And I already use the Always brand pretty often.

***Just in case you didn't catch it above, these products were provided for free to review. I am giving my honest opinion. I got to keep the products listed above. You can sign up, too, if you want. These were provided by Influenster.com in the Daisy VoxBox. Legal, legal, legal, blah, blah, disclaimer, blah, blah.***

Layers upon Layers of TEH CRAZEE in today's serving of Crazy Dream Chronicles™

So, since my dream was SO full of the craziness, Imma just going to do bullet points.
(It's not like anything is going to make much sense, anyways. Let's just look at the facets on this brilliant cut jewel of CRAZY.)

• Michael bought a camper trailer. It was ... in serious need of repairs.
  (Though, irl, his dad often will buy things to fix up. Or he'll "redesign" a plan ... hence the toolhouse he built before he and Mom C moved away. We called it "the birdhouse," since that's what it looked like. ... Michael usually doesn't do this. He's very aware of how much time he has to put into a project AND about how much time to budget to really fix a project.)
• I took a nap in said dream-trailer as we drove somewhere. Then I woke up and played a computer game. For a small fee of in-game coins (that you could earn, since I'm cheap like that), you could have the in-game band perform a special song.
  Which, as it turns out, they did as a CGI-version of the cast of Daria. Dressed in medieval garb. It was glorious. I wondered if I had enough coins to afford to do it again so that Michael could see the glory of it.
• When we stopped, I worked to fix up the kitchen counter in there. Then I realized that I need to take inventory and plan for all the pantry supplies (salt, pepper, dry goods, etc) so that we could use the camper at a moment's notice. 
• In the camper, there was also a rusty, claw-foot bathtub with part of a shower curtain around it. The shower curtain needed to be washed, so I took it down and it was COATED with this weird, viscous, clear gelatin. GROSS. And then the tub was one-third full of this yucky, milky, thick liquid. I considered myself lucky that I had a pair of those yellow kitchen gloves, so I pulled the plug to drain it. And filled it with some clear water for rinsing it out.
  BUT!! The water didn't go down the drain correctly, and you could feel the water sloshing around under the metal-plated floor.
  AND!!!!! In the clear water, there was this black, smoke-like liquid undulating up from the drain. Out of the tub/drain (though I don't know HOW) springs a full-grown chimpanzee with a dead baby chimp dangling by its heel from her hand. She races out the door and drops the stillborn chimp on the junk pile we're parked on.
  Then another chimpanzee ... or maybe the first one came back and traded a dead human baby for the now-living (and remarkably eloquent ... like talking better than most 4-year-old humans) baby chimpanzee.
• Then Michael and I were moving into a house with his old roommate, B, and his wife, P (I have no idea where ANY of our kids are). We were living in a house together and decided to trade which floors we lived on. They used to have the ground floor. There had been a tiny jacuzzi in the living room, but they ripped it out. So there was this green-tiled area with one of those metal dishes you screw into a wall (but this was in the floor) to hide/stop the pipes.
  And there was a BIG bathtub in the corner near it. That was cool, sure, but, like, what if someone wanted to watch TV while Michael and I used the bath? That'd be really awkward. Even with a shower curtain. It's just a bad interior design.

Then I woke up, since Michael's alarm went off and he wasn't in the room. So I got up, since I needed to ... powder my nose. And I told him about the crazy of the dreams.

And, stepping into the bathroom, I stepped on an article of clothing that the kids left out ... which, combined with the fact that I use body oil spray when I get out of the shower AND we have those peel-and-stick tiles on the bathroom floor ... I slipped in slow motion. I landed (softly, expecially considering my body-type) with my left leg bent under me (like half-lotus or cross-cross-applesauce) and my right leg pointed straight out in front of me.

And, since I am behind on the laundry, my fall was cushioned by the pile of dirty clothes ... so ... tender mercies of the Lord?

Then I went back to bed.

And NEXT DREAM! STILL CRAZY!!

• Michael and I were going through a drive-thru restaurant, but something was going wrong...
• MOM and I were going through the drive-thru and we thought we'd get slushies.
  They had three flavors: Orange, Green, and Red ... and those each had a description (but after picking up the house, loading the dishwasher, rushing a kid to school for Musical Theater, and dealing with a Miss Little Chatterbox, I'm forgetting most of the flavors.
  BUT! The mean thing was that the red one was Ginger Dragonfruit, which sounded really intriguing.
  BUT! They only were serving certain flavors on certain days ... or something. And one of the slushie machines was out of order. And I didn't really care for the other flavors as much. And, since they didn't have signs on the drive-thru menu about the limitations on flavors, I was a little miffed. 
• We got our dang drinks anyways and brought them to Michael's truck.

Yeah ... I don't really know what's up with my subconscious. No clue.

But I need to get myself showered and dressed, since I have a cousin-friend (srsly, we're like 10th cousins, 7 times removed) and maybe her grown-up daughters coming over to watch a movie together. I'll put Bubbles to play on the blue tablet ... it'll be good.

Yeah, I really have NO CLUE what my subconscious is up to. No idea at all.

Second helping of those Crazy Dream Chronicles™

So, since I've been awake for a little, I'm losing some of the details ... but here's the gist:

There was one part in where there were ants. LOTS of ANTS. And I was tracing where they were coming from. They were crawling up a bookshelf (like one that Michael's made for me in our house), but the setup of the house was more like my mom's house (my childhood home). I was debating on getting a spray bottle with water, alcohol, and peppermint oil ... and how badly it might hurt the books on those shelves.

DREAM PRIORITIES, YO.
YIGGITY-YO.

The other part of my dream had me going to the inside of a building. It seemed like a historical building, but also like a used-book store (which, tbh, would be a place that I'd LOVE. Since books, for cheap. And the smell of books permeating the room(s). Love that).

And there was a guy there. Kinda a larger-built guy, bushy hair ... kinda reminds me of the acupuncturist I had after a car accident. Nice guy. Haven't seen him in over a decade.

BUT, this guy, in my dream, he was a painter. And I was looking for a birthday present for Michael. And I figured that I'd get a painting ... since, well, here I am, and here's a local-artist-guy ... and we start making plans. And it'll be cool. And hopefully Michael will like it.

Later, I catch up with the artist again (LET IT BE SAID, that, irl, if I were to commission a painting, Michael and I have already agreed that we'd get it from one of our friends who does GORGEOUS seascapes and florals. Seriously, her work is amazeballs. She also makes a most wonderful neighbor and I miss her very, very much since she moved back to Utah) ... and I'm looking at the invoice....

And, like, I thought I'd be paying in the neighborhood of, say, $300 for a commissioned painting.
NO, PEEPS, NO.
It's, like, $2,198 ... and I'm just flabbergasted. I'm GASTED with FLABBER.
This is seriously expensive. And what if Michael doesn't even like it?
So I'm trying to backpedal to arrange something that, you know, we can AFFORD, while not offending his artistic sensibilities.

And that's really about the part where I wake up.

But I do miss getting acupuncture. Pretty relaxing, really.
Not as relaxing as a massage, of course. But still a bit decadent.

Yet another dishing of Allanna's Crazy Dream Chronicles

I'm coughing less ... when I remember to take my steroid inhaler (1 puff in the morning. One at night. ... If I miss a dose, the next couple days are ... interesting).

I keep having strange dreams.

Here's one that I had typed up for my Facebook page:

Well, my dreams were not the most restful. First part, Michael and I picked up plans for a new house, but didn't tour the model home (though it was practically across the street) so I couldn't picture it in my mind to explain it to people.
(You might NOT want to read further, if you're squeamish. Just giving you advance warning.) 

Then we were at a meeting to look at more plans, but it turned into a missionary-type meeting and I was filling out a paper to help tech people (but it seemed more like busywork/fill-in-the-blanks, which was SO NOT REAL) ... then I was sitting on a couch next to [Bubbles] and we're about to say a prayer and I scratch off a scab-thing on my elbow-pit and this pink, gelatinous tube comes out. And it's MOVING. There's a WORM. IN MY ARM. And, since it's prayer, I can't just go get up and gab something to wrap it in and throw it away, so I fling it onto the floor. Then I see there's more in my scab-hole, so I squeeze to get an end and start wrapping more worm around the end of my finger ... and the prayer is over and I get [Bucket] to get me a Kleenex and wrap the flung-to-the-carpet worm and what I've wrapped around my finger into the Kleenex ... and I'm worried that maybe this is just a scab inside my blood vessel from an immunization? Then I realize, as I'm blearing awake that you don't get vaccinations in your elbow-pit.
(Okay, it's safe again.) 

My subconscious has issues.

I don't recall everything about last night's dream ...
Here are the points that I do recall:

• I was a single, younger (thinner) version of myself.
• One of my high-school friends was refusing to celebrate Christmas because it's not scientific and was being kind of a jerk about it (wouldn't accept gifts from people, in a slightly abrasive way) ... IRL, he IS a scientist. He's even worked at NASA for a summer and volunteered at OMSI for a bit. But he's pretty cool towards people.
• My high-school crush-of-crushes was there. He was being aloof. Later he planted a kiss on me (and two other girls) ... even if he hadn't smooched those other girls? ... The kiss was ... extremely lackluster. So, there you go.
• A woman professor (more adult than the dream-versions of ourselves) got the first friend to be willing to acknowledge the holiday. I was crying and thanking her for saving Christmas.

Yeaaaaaaah. My subconscious is an interesting place.

Okay, I need to get ready to take Bubbles to Musicmakers.
I mostly just want to crawl into bed, read and/or sleep.

Just give me six more months and I can actually do that ... it'll be strange to have all the kids in school. But it'll be kinda cool, too. Errands will be a bit easier. A bit lonelier, too.
I'm sure that I'll manage.

I'm sure I had a clever title here somewhere ...

So, yeah, my blogging has been totally intermittent (a word which here means "craptastically rare and sporadic").

So, for the last six weeks or so, I've been sick.
It started out with what COULD have been either a sinus infection or allergies.
I tried treating it like either ... meh.
Bubbles ended up getting a bit sick (FEVER TIME!) and I took us to the doctor.
They were pretty sure it was a virus, since that's been going around the WHOLE valley. Fun, fun.
I got myself a moderate Prednisone prescription.
Yeah, no dice.
Went back and got the BIG GUNS of steroids. It helped. A little
Went back and got a refill for my Albuterol inhaler (for when I come down with Bronchitis) ... eh.
Went back, ordered myself a Nebulizer on Amazon ... that helped a little.
Went back, got a Z-Pak ... my sinuses are feeling GREAT now. Still hacking.

And when I say hacking, I'm talking that, if I'm not careful, I easily cough until I trigger my gag reflex. Blarrrghghghgh. Not so fun. I like my tooth enamel. I want it to STAY.

So, went back to the doctor yesterday. Got a second set of x-rays done  ... yeah, there's still some inflammation in my upper airway (not as BAD as it was, but still enough that I'm the QUEEN OF WHEEZING, yo. --- I just took my inhaler about 20 minutes ago. Still wheezing on the exhale. Sometimes I ALSO wheeze on the INHALATION. Yeah, I'm THAT GOOD.)

And I called into the Pulmonary Center this morning. I have myself an appointment for pulmonary testing this afternoon. Go me, right? Is this asthma? (Possible. My mom has it. She was diagnosed at 30. I JUST turned 36, so it's totally possible.) Is it something else? If so, my doctor is wild to know what's up.
(She, like me, wants to know what the chicken is UP in my upper respiratory airway. Let's get this dealt with. ... If I WASN'T going into Pulmonary testing, she'd have prescribed me a steroid inhaler. But, as she said, "I want them to hear THIS ... thing." She's great. I pink, puffy heart my doctor.)

So ... plans for the day?

• Finish loading the dishwasher. Run that!
• Do another load of laundry!
• Get showered and dressed.
• Take Bubbles to storytime. Hopefully see my friend, S, there.
• Eat lunch.
• Grab the blue tablet and take Bubbles to Pulmonary testing with me. (Should take about 90 minutes.)
• Race home and beat the big kids home from school.
• Make dinner.
• Not cough on everyone.

And maybe read some books in the meantime.

I did check with my nurse, when she called with the number for the testing clinic. I'm cleared to be around people (even pregnant ladies). "Just ... don't cough on them."
Me: "Yeah, I try not to cough on anyone, pregnant or not. It's pretty rude otherwise."

Yup, give me my etiquette medal, since I cough in an empty room --- then APOLOGIZE.
(But, since my doctor could hear me (in the patient room) from the hallway, maybe it's not such a bad thing, right?

Okay. Let's get stuff done.

In which I boast of my cleverness ... and come up with a new headcannon for history

It started with this tweet that a friend reposted:

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission. -- SpookySandwich‏ (@MarisaLange)

And then, I started writing ...

At the same time, I think it's adorable ... They were VERY CONCERNED. And, apparently, a little too embarrassed to ask any other women (and that's not a terribly bad thing, since everyone's cycle is so individual).
I just picture them, red-faced and shuffling their feet, as they stammer out the question ... fearing that Ms. Ride might be HORRIBLY OFFENDED or TERRIBLY EMBARRASSED. ... And then she starts stifling her imminent snickering. "Yes ... that just might manage to suffice. .... Thank you," she manages around barely-stifled giggles.
She excuses herself. Once she closes the door of the women's washroom, peals and hoots of laughter emanate, magnified by the porcelain and steel acoustics.

The baffled engineers look at each other, bemused in the wake of her laughter.
"Should we have offered 150, do you think?"She excuses herself. Once she closes the door of the women's washroom, peals and hoots of laughter emanate, magnified by the porcelain and steel acoustics.
The baffled engineers look at each other, bemused in the wake of her laughter."Should we have offered 150, do you think?"One engineer smacks the arm of the one on his left, "Guys, I TOLD you ... 200. ... She probably thinks we're so dumb." 

Hey, it could have happened. And I love to think that THIS is the way it went down.

#52Lists - List 1 - List What Makes You Happy Right Now

Okay, so after being a sadsack for the last year or so, I'm working at NOT being a pathetic sadsack and getting my groove back. I used to be a happier person with more self-confidence, and I'm determined to find that girl again.

So, part of my self-imposed therapy is that I bought a book called 52 Lists for Happiness.
I like making lists. I like happiness. Ergo, this seems like a decent idea, right?

And I might as well get started at some point ... so here I am (FINALLY) with the first list in the book:
List What Makes You Happy Right Now (or, in Church-speak, "Count Your Blessings.")

So, in no particular order, here we go:

• My husband
• The gospel of Jesus Christ. I like that we are loved beyond comprehension. And that we're allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. And that love is a basic principle. It's awesome.
• President Thomas S. Monson, even though I'm worried about how much longer we get to keep him. But he's always got some of the BEST stories. And I'm a sucker for stories.
• BOOKS. I heart me the written word something fierce.
• Chocolate.
• My family. They're pretty awesome.
• Herbal and Rooibos tea ... pairs perfectly with a book or a historical costume drama.
• Historical costume dramas.
• Cats
• Fennec foxes
• Quokkas ... They are SO DANG HAPPY!!
• Platypusses/Platypi ... they're cute.
• Bunnies
• Baby animals
• Chameleons
• Nail polish ... especially anything with holo glitters. 
• Rainbows. I like all the colors!
• Christmas, because everyone works to be just a little NICER and more COMPASSIONATE.
• Beef stroganoff
• Mashed potatoes.
• Cherry cheesecake
• Hot chocolate (the beverage. But I do also like that one song, "I Believe in Miracles," too.)
• Fountain pens
• Office supplies in general
• The smell of laminating film (see above)
• The smell of new books
• The smell of old books.
• Edward Gorey art (and writing)
• Lemony Snicket's writing style
• Fonts (like the handwriting and typography kind. I mean the water-type are cool, too ... but not AS cool to me. No offense if that's what floats your boat. #NoPunIntended #SeeWhatIDidThere)
• Typography in general ... it's just something that I find aesthetically pleasing. 
• Spellcheck
• The Internet (well, not ALL of it, since there's some scary and bad stuff out there. But I do like the parts of it that I deal with. Social media, games, facebook, blogging, finding answers at a moment's notice, family history, ...)
• Coloring (the feel of a marker or gel pen under your hand? The smell of crayons? The whisper of a colored pencil gliding? It's pretty awesome.)
• Dancing ... especially when I was in shape.
• Swimming
• Lip gloss/lip balm
• Anime and other cartoons
• Those massage chairs at some nail salons
• When my house is clean
• Having more than 15% free memory on my phone
• Music
• Singing
• When you're pregnant and you can feel your little parasite (I say that lovingly) move inside your uterus.
• My Sunday School class
• Relief Society
• Girls Nights Out
• Chatting with friends
• Watching my youngest dance at her ballet class
• Snuggles with my son
• Chatting with my daughter
• Scented markers
• Naps

I'd put more, but MY SWEET BAYBEES are all awake and LOUDLY getting ready for school, so I can't think of much more around their energetic vocal ministrations. :P

But, hey, it's a start, right?

And a lot more things than those listed above make me happy. Those are just the ones that I thought about first.

I'm sick *cough couch*

It's actually not QUITE so dire. I mean, yes, I'm the QUEEN OF MUCUS, but I'm on the mend.

But that's what happens when I overdo stuff. I could tell that I was getting overexerted/overscheduled/overstressed. But did I DO anything about it, really? Did I put my foot down and take a couple extra naps?

No.

So I got sick. Boo on that.

It started off as a maybe-allergies, then went into a sinus-thing. Today is the first day that I haven't taken anything besides using my neti pot in the shower (Word to the wise: Don't step in the mucus you've just dislodged out of your head. It's slippery and GROSS.) ... and I'm feeling mostly okay.

I mean, yes, I should have bought stock with Kleenex ... and, since I'm pushing fluids so very much, I feel like all I've really done the last few days is blow my nose, drink water, and PEE (and pee and pee and pee).
Yeah, you're welcome. I know how you LOOOOOOVE that I'm keeping it SO VERY REAL.

I'll blog for real later. My cup of noodles is almost ready.

Eyring Quote

"There will be noise and people around you most of your waking day. God hears your silent prayers, but you may have to learn to shut out the distractions because the moment you need the connection with God may not come in quiet times." - Henry B. Eyring (Priesthood and Personal Prayer)

This quote ... I like it. I need it.

I am way too distracted and need to get better at focusing.

Tender mercies

One of my friend's mom made jam.
She posted a picture on Facebook. And i,deep in my selfish heart, thought, "Wow, that jam looks amazing. But I shouldn't all for some. Making jam is an effort. And she's got a lot of people who know and love her delicious food."

Within an hour, she messaged me and asked if I'd like a jar, since she'd be in town.

She loves me.
My Heavenly Father loves me.
I am loved. And very spoiled.

Today I Was Brave

If you've known me for longer than ... oh ... five minutes, you might have noticed that I have this tendency to, well, overthink things.

Like overthink EVERYTHING.

Which brings us to today's most eventful thing:

I'm at Bubble's ballet class, standing next to another mom.
I've talked to her before. I like her. She's easy to talk to and gives off that vibe, you know the one, all calming and pleasant.

And we chat a little.

And I screw up my courage ... "Hey, are you on Facebook?" I ask.

"Yes. A LOT."

"Can I send you a friend request?"

"Sure!" And she's so nice, she even helps me spell her last name (which I didn't know or I'd have sent her one earlier. I'm still so pleasantly surprised that Bubble's dance teacher accepted my friend request, to be honest.) and bring up the correct profile.

So *happy wiggle in my chair* I have a new friend.

I was looking through some of her posts this evening. She's a lot more into sports than I am. That's cool. But we actually have quite a bit in common.

I have a new friend, you guys.

I MADE A FRIEND.

I'm not totally hopeless at this! It's amazing!

In other (unrelated) news, I ordered a fountain pen. It's one of the cheaper (but decent) models ... it's supposed to be WAY better than the one I bought at Hobby Lobby a year or so ago ... that was more frustrating to write with than it should have been.
AND IT'S TEAL. Very pretty.
Fine-tip nib.
Sometimes Amazon Prime just isn't quite fast enough ... but it gives me something (yet another thing, really) to look forward to.

And, tomorrow evening, I get to have a girls' night out with two awesome friends. So that's going to be a blast.

And I wrote a letter (like a post-office-requiring-a-stamp-type-letter letter) to one of my friends, because she's mentioned in the past that there's nothing more fun than to get something fun in the mail ... and she wrote back! (And it is superfun to get fun mail) and I wrote her again.
(It's a lot less difficult to write to her than to my Nana ... because I don't have to think so hard or feel so tense. Nothing against my Nana. I love Nana ... but her dementia makes it difficult. Because, well, I never know what she will remember or not. So I just send her a chatty letter, sometimes with photos, full of (not-so-) important nothings ... and not mentioning that I miss her how she was before the dementia took hold.
I mean, I know Nana's still Nana ... but she's also not-so-Nana. ... She doesn't recognize one of my cousins. Which is terribly sad. She knows me and Michael and our kids still. She speaks highly of my mom. She knows her sons and their current wives/girlfriends ... But she's also not so who she was. ... I don't think I'm making much sense. Still, it's nice that she's still sweet and funny. Often a bit confused ... but it could be very much worse. And I'm very grateful that it's not.)

On Facebook, since I have a lot of friends on VERY varying places on the political spectrum (and that can be a little ... interesting. I identify as a moderate Independent, who can skew a bit conservative. It can be a little daunting dealing with Michael's uncles who are VERY, VERY REPUBLICAN ... especially when one of them will turn any slightly-political post I make all about the "liberal agenda."
Seriously, PARAGRAPHS-worth. ... I love my husband's uncles.
It gets more interesting when some of my more-liberal friends (like my high-school Drama teacher) gets involved. I learn a lot, yes, but it can be ... interesting.

But, really, overall? Life is good. I am doing better emotionally and socially.
I mean, sure, there's room for improvement ... but ... I'm feeling a lot better. I think I'm actually getting to that acceptance stage of grief. That's a big improvement.

Bouncing Back ... but not LITERAL bouncing because ... um ... REASONS.

Daaaang, yo. It's been a long time since I last blogged.

Seriously ... six months? I'm sorry. I just haven't really had anything that I felt like was a decent contribution. (I've posted on Facebook ... but that's really been most of it).

Okay, what all are the BIG things that have happened since I last posted? ...

• The big kids went back to school.
• I'm still taking notes for PTC ... managed to be late, like, TWICE ... which is not like me.
• Bubbles is going to MusicMakers once a week (it's this free, cute music and activity class. We sing. We have an activity. They play with a parachute. They eat a snack and listen to a story. She loves it. I enjoy it, too. Everyone's supernice.)
• Bubbles is also in ballet class. She enjoys it. I enjoy watching her. She had her first recital in December. Her class was adorable.
• The kids did manage to get their room clean a couple times. Is it clean right now? ... Let's pretend you didn't ask. We'll all be happier.
• Bruise and Bucket got themselves GROUNDED off their tablets. AGAIN.
  We're waiting for them to work off enough points. It's slow going. Oh well.
• I got a new computer. It's nice and fast. 
• Our heat pump went out right at the beginning of the cold snap. We've used space heaters and are doing fine.
• I've decided to go through the hard, painful parts of grieving over that one situation that I've been all sad-sack about. I had messaged her around Christmas. She messaged back a couple weeks ago ... that I (somehow) really betrayed her trust. I'm still not sure what I did. But I apologized for hurting her, whether or not I did it knowingly.
  I mean, I HATE the idea that I would do something that could cause enough hurt for someone to cut me entirely out of his/her life. I can't think of anything that I've done ... and, if I did it NOT on purpose, ... well, that really sucks.
  
  I mean, honestly, I'm frustrated over the situation. I really would have hoped that, close as she and I were, she would value our friendship enough to tell me asap that I did something, so that I could apologize for it. ... And, honestly, I feel that I've spent the last 18-ish months defending her ... when she didn't feel that our friendship was worthwhile enough to contact me and tell me that I was a jerk and allow me the chance to make things right.
  
  And, after she did contact me back (and refrained from letting me know what I did), I took a look back on things and realized that, for a long time, as much as I love and value her as a person, our friendship has been ... stressful. I always had to worry about what I said or how I said it, since she has a tendency to take offence at things quite easily.
  
  So, I still love her as a friend and I really miss our friendship, especially toward the beginning, when we had SO much fun and laughed so much and I didn't worry that I'm a terrible jerk of a person and that I can't maintain a friendship (which, I know is illogical. I'm friends with people that I've known since grade school. One of the girls I went to high school with -- we're friends on Facebook --, when I said that I was annoying in high school, she argued that I wasn't. Which is incredibly sweet of her (and I don't know how true it is ... because, frankly, I could be VERY annoying).
  
  But, yes, I think that Heavenly Father is sending a lot of tender mercies my way. I know that I need to continue to love this girl (and I do), but I'm getting to the place where I'm able to attain a lot more peace than I've felt for a while. 
• I actually did some more social-type things. I went to my ward RS (Relief Society) meeting and learned about budgeting and food safety and cardmaking. And it was really fun.
  I contacted a friend and had social time with her. We chatted and she's excellent with advice and I felt so very much better.
  I went to the Stake RS meeting, where we made newborn kits for another friend to take down to Guatemala in the summer (she and her husband do a lot of humanitarian work there). And I found that I have a natural talent at getting the air out of ziploc-baggies packed with baby gear (MY TIP: before you completely seal the bag, LAY ON IT. Having the amount of mass I have, I just smush it with my breasticles and muffin-top. THEN you seal it. ... It's nearly perfectly flat and looks like you hit it with a vacuum-sealer. .... I finally found my secret talent!)
• Bruise and Bucket are almost through with their first semester of violin lessons this year. Their concert is coming up this week.
  Last fall, they were in dance club at school. They learned some Swing and Salsa. Bucket is continuing dance club. Bruise is going to be in soccer club (of COURSE).
• I started doing Duolingo again. I finally got all caught up (and past) where I had left off months and months ago. It took me a while (a month!!) of doing it every day. Do I feel confident in my 49/49% fluency in Spanish? Hahahahahahahaaaaa-NO. But I'm getting better and that's something.
• Michael's been CRAZY-BUSY lately. It means that the Sabbath really IS the day of rest.
• I bought sweatpants yesterday. I may never take them off.
  Soooo comfy AND THEY HAVE POCKETS.
• Bruise and Bucket turned 11. They just keep growing and everything.
  I need to do a birthday post for them.
• Bubbles was SO UPSET that THEY had a birthday and she didn't (she has to wait a couple months, poor kid), so we made a paper chain to count down to her birthday.
• I've been listening to a LOT of Hamilton (the edited CD and mixtape). Love it. I keep waking up with random songs stuck in my head. And, apparently, we're Lin-Manuel Miranda fankids, since we also play the Moana soundtrack in frequent rotation.
• Bruise got his Webelos badge and Arrow of Light ... and is now in 11-year-old Scouts.
• Bucket got glasses for reading the whiteboard in school.

I mean, all in all, it's just a collection of busy nothings.

But it's my life. And I'm feeling more comfortable in it again.

And, thank you for reading. I'm grateful for you.
Just wanted you to know.

In which I am maudlin ... let's hope blogging this gets it out of my system.

So, last night I was feeling pitiful (gastronomically ... sorry, TMI) ... and, apparently my brain thought that I should feel pitiful mentally, too!

Misery loves company, right? *overly bright smile*

So, I'm lying in bed, next to Michael and ask ... "Do you think she misses me as much as I miss her?"
He is intuitive and knows that I'm asking about that bestie that ... well, she didn't give me the Cut Direct, since that would involve seeing me. But, yeah, she took herself out of my life without warning.

And ... even though one of the gals I Visit Teach told me, 'Why would you want to keep suffering? Even if she came back and asked to be friends again, why would you take her back?"

It's not that I'm masochistic (well, HOPEFULLY not) ... but, when her and my friendship started out, it was good. It was fun. I miss that.

I don't like that I don't feel as self-assured. I don't like that I lost someone who was so much fun to laugh with.

I mean, it'd be one thing if she had left my life, but I still had my friend K, who passed away, who was fun to laugh and bake with ... even though she and her family were going to move away at some point. I can keep a friendship going cross-country ... I had done it before. Heck, I manage to keep a friendship going across the planet. ... It's just a little harder to do it through the veil (They never call, they never write ...).

But, even though it's been a long while ... nearly a year ... I still feel that ... I ... I just don't feel right.
I feel lost. I feel full of doubt that I'm even a decent friend.

STUDIES SAY, so they say, that if a friendship lasts seven years, it'll be able to weather anything.
...
WELL MAYBE SOME FRICKIN' STUDY IS DEAD WRONG.

And I kind of hate that, too.

Because ... I feel like a crap person.
What kind of crappy person does a girl have to be that her bestie cuts all ties with her without a word? That moves back to the same town and never even texts?

... Going with that, I am a REALLY CRAPPY person.

And ... I don't want to be a really crappy person. I want to know how to have fun, how to not be filled with self-doubt.

And, as friends have pointed out, this now-gone-friend has changed.
And it was harder to be supportive for her ... so ... maybe she's done me a favor?

I don't know.

They say that time heals all wounds.
How do I stop picking at this scab?