Monday, August 03, 2009

Two days in a row that I haven't woken up in the middle of the night crying. That's god, right?

I still cry a bit when I am waking up. Or when I think too much. Or when I'm trying to fall asleep.
But not in the middle of the night.
That's progress, right?

Of course, reading through the archives of Overhead In the Ward helps. Very LDS humor ... but, oh-so-so-so funny. It's helped.

Michael and his brother, C, were able to fix the truck today. It only took MAYBE an hour, total. There was just a screw loose where the gasoline was leaking out. *phew* I love that prayer works. Now maybe I'll take Michael up on a blessing to help me deal with life without my Gingi-babe. I mean, I didn't want to ask for too much of Heavenly Father all at once. I mean, not that I had ANY doubts that He could handle everything that I could ever think of to ask for (and more), but my main priority was getting the truck working again. And it is.
(C also fixed a couple of our doors. Pretty awesome. See? This is what I didn't have, being an only child. Having siblings means that you can get people who help you. Nice! ^_^)

So now I can just try and get to that acceptance-and-trying-to-move-on part of my life. Although I can't really get my brain around not having Ginger around. ... And, I know that it's really only temporary ... but it's not fun.
And, yes, I know ... it's not supposed to be.

But, like I've said, I'm not all that great at adapting joyfully to change. As much as I adore President Monson, I STILL miss President Hinckley.

But, for now, I just keep in mind that quote from Sleepless in Seattle: Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.

And, after a while, I know that I'll stop crying so often, that I'll be able to only remember the happy times, that the hurting will dull away ... and that will be a good day.

It's not today ... but I haven't taken an extra shower just to give me the privacy to cry alone and without worrying about how it's affecting my family. (Seriously, the shower? A great place to cry. You don'thave to worry about everyone overhearing your snifflings, you don't have to go through a box of Kleenex, you get to be alone ... Since I don't have a little cave to crawl to in which I can lick my wounds in private, the shower's the next best thing.)

Today is a little easier than yesterday. And I'm glad for that. I hope that tomorrow will be a little easier still ... and so on and so on and so on.

I may have come across a new way to deal with the whining ... collapse on the floor and say that the whining exhausts you ... and you can even declare that you're dead.
I'll have to see if it continues to work after today.
And, when Bucket repeats and repeats and repeats a request (without waiting for a response in between), I've made a blanket statement that I have to say "No" if she doesn't wait for a response. Because, frankly, I find it ANNOYING AS HELL.
(Yes, I know. Patience is not one of the virtues that I have perfected. ... I've got a long, long way to go. I'm aware.)

But, yeah ... doing better.
I'll try and post soon something FUN and not about how EMO I am and stuff.

Soon. Pinkie-swears!

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