Wednesday, July 03, 2013

Improvement

So ... I'm feeling better. A bit more at peace.

And very humbled by your love. Thank you for that.

Because, you don't have to say that I'm a good person or anything. But you did.
And I appreciate that.

Because, well, I know that I can be sarcastic, snarky, demanding, and petulant.
And I try not to do that too much.

And so ... thank you for being able to tell me. I appreciate it.

And, really, if I DO become a jerk and a bad friend and all of that, PLEASE TELL ME.
I might be miffed (at first), but I know that you all have my best interests at heart. And that I know you wouldn't tell me something like that unless it (1) was true and (2) you knew that I needed to hear it to improve.

Michael does say that maybe I had rather high expectations for this friendship (which may or may not be over). But, well, ... it's true. I might have had too high of expectations ... However, I'll offer that am I doing anyone a favor by offering lower expectations than I'd ask of anyone else that close to me?
(And, part of that, I know is my upbringing -- we're taught, as educators, to demand high expectations. Because our students WILL rise to the challenge. It's not doing anyone any favors to do otherwise.)

But, yes, there are a lot of other factors going on. And I tried to go about it gently ... for around a year, even. But, well, things did come to a head (which sounds like I'm talking about some huge zit, ew.) ... and ... well ...

I'm sad that I might be losing a friend that I love dearly. I don't usually let this happen ... not without something kind of big happening (like a "friend" that started being rather rude. And treated another friend with more than a little derision ... and, well, I had to take a bit of a side. And I don't know that that not-as-good-friend really knew what had occurred. We're still in contact ... but we don't talk as much. And I don't think that s/he is awful or anything. Just not a person that is someone that I'm willing to invest quite so much time and energy in as I used to).

I'm still sad, though. And it still sucks.
But, well ... I ... I just don't know.

But ... well, I have to handle it. I'm a big girl and I have to put on my big-girl panties and DEAL.
But I'm not about to throw any parties about it.

Though, I'll admit that my period stopped earlier than expected.
Which I'm attributing to having less stress from repressing frustration.
But, still, it's not a great thing regardless.

In a perfect scenario, my friend will have less stress and we can put this all behind us and be friendly again.
And I'll know whether I should comment on his/her facebook status updates. And when I come across something online (like an article/blogpost/.gif/whatever) that makes me think of my friend, I could pass it on to him/her.

So ... yeah. It's a little lonely.
Especially since my mom had to go home, so I don't have her to advise me in person/distract me from all this.
And I'm sure that Michael's more than bored with me asking if there was anything more that I could have done or done differently this last week to have avoided all this.

And, really, I feel like a drama-llama whinging about it.
But it's nice to have a place to dump out all my feelings. And, well, I respect your opinions.

But, yeah ... with kids to take care of, I can't just go and bury myself in books or movies as some type of escapist method of dealing with this. Though it is tempting.

But, I know that, as time passes, I'll stop staring into space. And I'll stop tearing up randomly. And I'll be able to function like a person that doesn't feel like a complete heel for maybe losing a really great friend.

But, in other, better, news: It's really nice that another gal, from another ward, has her kids in swim lessons at the same time that Bruise and Bucket are swimming. It's really nice to get to talk ... and laugh ... with someone. Which makes me realize how much I've rather lost the ability to be social. I should work on that. And sooner, rather than later.

I know that things will get better ... overall. Maybe this friendship is broken, completely. Maybe it'll be fixed and it'll be as tight as before. I don't know. But, eventually, it won't feel as sucky all the time.

Until then, I should get off my duff. I need to clean the house ... and I should make dessert(s) for tomorrow.
Plying extended family with baked goods is always a great way to ingratiate myself to them, right?
(I know that they love me regardless ... but it's always nice to cement that. And I do make a mean batch of brownies. ... But can I feed nearly 20 people on just brownies?? I think I should make some more stuff. JUST IN CASE.)

And I need to make something for dinner. And I should do the dishes. And the laundry. And the floors could use vacuuming/sweeping/mopping. And the house should be dusted and aired out. And the bathrooms should be decontaminated ...

None of which is going to get done if I keep sitting around, now will they?

1 comment:

Minnie Evans said...

Hi.
I just re-found your blog in an effort to be more blogger-y.
I want you to know how sorry I am that this happened *hug*.
I don't know the circumstances, but I do know how much it sucks to be lonely and feel like you lost a friend.
You are so friendly, and nice, and special.
I hope that you feel better soon.
-Minnie

Counting ...

HTML hit counter - Quick-counter.net
EU Users: This might use cookies. If it does, let me know and I can work on getting one that doesn't.