Sunday, June 02, 2013

Out of Clever Ideas for a Title ... Blah

So, lately, I've been NOT making it through all of church. On a consistant basis.
Which sucks.

I can assure you that it's not because I have any doubts about the Church being true or that our leaders are called of God or anything like that.

It's because Bubbles is an ACTIVE child. And she's not yet old enough for Nursery (still THREE MONTHS TO GO. THREE MONTHS) ... so I have to schlep her to Sunday School and Relief Society. And ... well, to be perfectly blunt, I have a hard enough time trying to pay attention and LEARN something on my own. Adding a (darling, I know, but) LOUD munchkin who wants to go walking/running around the room or to be fed constantly ... And that's when she's NOT sitting in a (backless, at her height) chair and FALLING BACKWARDS ... It's a recipe for failure.

I can't pay attention. She's distracting others. And THAT distracts me.
So, either I stay and be a complete wreck ... or I take her home and lay her down for a nap.
And it's a total lose-lose situation, because I know that I SHOULD stay and show her that church is important enough to stay there ... and I might -- just might, maybe -- get some wonderful nugget of knowledge that'll help me get through the week/be a better person/wife/mother/daughter/sister-in-law/etc ...

But I can't handle it. And it's stupid to just go wandering the halls, since she demands to walk on her own, won't even let me hold her hand ...

I've tried sitting out in the car ... but the weather's getting too warm to keep the windows shut. And she won't fall asleep ... so she's too loud to keep the windows open.

So, instead, I take her home ... and I feel like a jerk/horrible person for NOT being at church.

And this week, with fasting and shark week and everything ... I was there at church. I missed the Sacrament being passed because I was in the Mother's Lounge. Yes, I was talking to another mom in the other ward ... but still, I missed the main reason for going to church (besides worshiping in general). And Bubbles still wasn't winding down ... And I went back in with her and sat with the family ... and then Michael had to take her out.

Amanda's husband was there at church. He seems to be holding up well. I didn't go up and give him a hug. Because I'd probably burst into tears ... and he doesn't need that. I did smile at him ... and then I started to get all teary-eyed ... Stupid emotions.

But I was there, in Sacrament meeting, filling up Michael's handkerchief. When he brought Bubbles back to sit down, since he needed to be close ... since he had to give the closing prayer in the meeting ... And, OF FLIPPING COURSE, she starts squawking again. So I just told him that I was taking her home.

And I cried the way home. Got her in her bed. Took a shower to clean off the rest of my mostly-cried off makeup ... and, while I was there, did my best to pray ... which mostly consisted of my whining and railing at Heavenly Father that I just don't FEEL right. And I want to be able to be at church ... but I CAN'T manage if I'm going to be crying all the time or not able to even listen, let alone concentrate on the lessons .... And it's just HAAAAAAAARD. And there are ants in our house. And I HATE being crazy on a monthly basis.

I just don't really know what to do.

Which makes me cry more.
And I don't know how much of it is just because I'm on my period so I'm a crazy-hormonal MESS.
I don't know if it's because I suck at grieving ... so maybe I just need to handle that ...
I don't know how much is frustration that no matter what I do, there's ants and the house always gets messed up again.
How much is due to Michael texting me this morning to request that I bring his tablet to church, since he didn't have it. And he said that it's on my desk. And it's NOT. And the kids both proclaim that they didn't touch it. And we looked all over the house, for about five minutes ... which is fine, since it's not a big house ... and I still can't find the damned thing.
And how much is due to the fact that I tried fasting even though I get HELLA CRANKY when I don't have food ... AND it's the same week as my cycle (thanks, Mother Nature, you whore)
And .... and .... and .... yeah.

And now I have a headache from crying. WINNER! /sarcasm

But, yeah ... I mostly just feel that I suck. At just about everything.

  • attending church and staying once I've gotten there
  • Bubbles is TINY. Maybe because I suck at feeding her.
  • Personal prayer ... should be an automatic habit. It's not.
  • Same with personal scripture reading. SUCKAGE GALORE.
  • I can't control my emotions.
  • Our house STILL has ants.
  • I haven't finished my library books. And the last one that I DID read wasn't that good.
  • My pad won't stay in place. Because, apparently, maybe my body is just not put together right.
  • Maybe because I could stand to lose about 70 pounds.
  • I can't make and stick to a meal planning system if it killed me. And it just might. But I hate scouring the house around 5PM or so, wracking my brain as to what I can manage to scramble up to feed the family (Which would be easier if Michael didn't hate eggs. Can you work on that honey? A frittata wouldn't take long to make. Just sayin'.)
  • The fact that I wasn't able to solve the memory card issue on my own. I LIKE being independent and being able to save money. ... Though, knowing that there's a good place to take it/refer people IS a bonus ... but it doesn't totally make up for not being able to do it myself.
  • I can't cry without looking AWFUL. And it's OBVIOUS when I've been crying. Or even yawning. Completely unfair. I wonder, if I had brown eyes, would it be so obvious?
And the list goes on. Of course. Because I, apparently, have very little in my system right now besides self-loathing. And I should follow that with a chaser of ibuprofen, since it's given me a headache.

I don't LIKE not being happy. I don't LIKE not feeling like a fun mom. I don't LIKE getting to church and not being able to pay much (if any) attention to the speakers/teachers. I just want to be able to sit with Michael for at least two of the hours and TRY to get something out of the lesson.

While I'm at it, I also want an elliptical that fits in our living room, a house with at least one more bedroom, established scripture reading/prayer habits that I don't even have to think about, a chef, maid and maseusse, and to wake up 70 lbs lighter with boobs that fit in bras that I could buy off the rack ... and that my hair wasn't so porous. That'd be nice, too.

But I'd settle for an elliptical and a child that sits still during Relief Society ... since racing up to stop her from making a run to the front of the room (where the teacher is TRYING to her HER job) is more than a little distracting.

and .... I obviously can't handle it.

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