Monday, April 30, 2012

Defeatist ...

Lately, well, I don't know how much of it is hormones, how much of if is sleep-deprivation, and how much of it is a slow-decline into insanity ... But, well, I've been a bit unhappy.

It's not a constant thing. It's just one of those "I'm-doing-okay-and-having-fun-OH-GOOD-GRAVY-What-am-I-doing-with-my-life-I'm-a-failure-and-fat-and-horrible-and-everything's-going-difficult-how-can-I-manage!?!?!?!?!?!???"

  1. It doesn't help that I'm at just about my heaviest weight. That doesn't make me feel sexy or wonderful.
    Yes, I am AWARE of the fact that I pushed out a baby 2 months ago (that I carried for 41 weeks).
    I'm aware that my body is working to be the sole provider of food for this gorgeous infant (for at least another four months. Then I'll still nurse, but she'll start eating solid food ... and, oh, the diapers will change).
    I KNOW these things.
    Still, it doesn't help that on a not-good day, THIS is my self-image:

    Yes, yes, I am aware that I'm not morbidly obese ... but there is the fact that, according to the BMI scale, I AM obese. ... If I lose about 80 lbs, I'll be "normal" ... but losing 80 pounds is, well, a CHALLENGE.

    But, still, when most of the ladies in the family (Especially on Michael's side. PLEASE, God, PLEASE let my children have gotten good DNA with healthy, quick metabolisms!!) are on the slim and toned side? Well, I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves with others ... Regardless, I do not feel like I'm anywhere close to being my best self.

    Especially when I used to look like this:
    I still lacked self-confidence ... but my body was in shape.
    And I never lacked in silly.
    I ABOUNDED in silly.
    I must store that in my rack.
    Just sayin'.

  2. No matter how much I clean and clean and clean, my house is still a mess.
It doesn't help that I'm a packrat. I hate to toss out things. I mean, what if we might NEED them?
What heirlooms could I pass down to the kiddos?
(I don't have TONS of things from previous generations. So, the stuff that's pretty or practical that IS from family? I have ISSUES getting rid of.)
I also haven't gotten everything done that I need to. Or that I feel I SHOULD.

I made the kids a chore list. And they're doing a GREAT job at doing the daily routine that I've mapped out for them. Of course, we're only going on the SECOND day of it ... But they're doing a great job.
So far, this morning, they've:
  • Woken up
  • Said their own prayers
  • Gotten dressed
  • Washed their faces, brushed their teeth, brushed/combed their hair ... Well, I did Bucket's, since I am DAMNED if I'm going to let her get head lice again on MY watch.
  • They got their backpacks and shoes ready
  • They made sure that I made their lunches ... which they put in their backpacks
  • They fed the fish. I'll feed Freyja. (Bucket is going to help with the litterbox. BLESS THAT GIRL.)
  • They helped clean off the dining room table
And, since they did all of that, they are now watching cartoons before school.
(Bubbles is exempt from chores for now. If she had a list of chores, it'd go something like this:
  • Wake up
  • Eat
  • PLEASE don't spit up
  • Diaper change
  • Get dressed
  • PLEASE don't spit up!
  • Play
  • Nap
  • More feedings and diaper changes and naps
  • Please don't get frustrated with tummy time.
  • Get changed for bed. Maybe have a bath. If you need it.
    Which is USUALLY after you spit up. Please don't. I can give you a bath even if you haven't.
  • Smile more at your family
  • Please smile at our friends. We want them to think you're the bestest, sweetest baby ever.
    Well, except maybe for your BFF, Miz Bug. She's the only baby allowed to surpass you for now.
    Especially since you're a little older.
    How's about you be the most sweetest, prettiest, bestest 8-week-old in existence? We'll go for that.
  • Please stop screaming yourself to sleep. It is a mite stressful to listen to that.
    Which helps explain why we stick you in the swing and go clean something while you do it.
  • We should paint your toes again in a week or so. You look adorable with painted toesies.
Yup that's about HER list.)

But, for me?

I just want enough room to have everything put away. In an organized fashion. So I can find it all.
I want enough time to play around on the internet AND read all my library books (and the other books that I've bought to read. And to reread some of them, without letting my library books go overdue).
I want the library's website to be fixed so I won't have to run over to the library or call to renew my books. *sigh*
I want to be able to run the dishwasher and the garbage disposal without the laundry room sink backing up.
I want my cat to stop peeing on the couch.
I want my house to smell clean and fresh.
I want to not have allergies or a cold or whatever is easing up ... but that kept me from sleeping well and kept me congested and dripping mucus last week.
I want medical insurance. And for OHP to cover everything without freaking me out by sending a denial for the external version. (Going to call my OB's office to get that cleared up. I hope it gets cleared up.)
I want my IUD to not be problematic (Seems that the strings/wires) are a little long this time. Yeah. That does NOT make me feel like an aspiring sex-goddess. At all. Which makes my mental health number rise exponentially.
I want to NOT feel like bursting into tears over any of this crap.
I want to FEEL motivated to exercise.
I want to ENJOY and look forward to exercising.
I want to have flat abs and NOT have muffin-top OR that pudge that makes it look like my butt is actually an innertube that runs around to the front, too ... which I've had since Bruise and Bucket. Dumb stretched-out skin. (If I had the money, yeah, I think I'd run out and get a tummy tuck. This way I could look cute in exercise clothes. I'd also get a breast reduction, so I could buy bras more easily/cheaply. And I'd feel less like I should be in National Geographic, iykwim. Aityd.)
I want to get a pedicure.
I wish I didn't have bat-flaps (you know, that skin/fat that dangles from one's triceps. Maybe you don't have it. If so, I am trying REALLY HARD not to envy you. Please give me pointers on how you've achieved this. I NEED POINTERS. And hope).
I wish that, among whatever strengths I do possess, reading STUDYING my Scriptures was towards the top.
Also, praying independently. Those are important things.
I wish that I had the time and energy to have a couple DAYS worth of milk pumped and in the freezer. Just in case.
I wish I were more organized.
I wish that I wasn't a little late in getting the van's registration (Doing that TODAY. Along with the last of this month's WIC. *sigh*)

Yes, I feel ineffective and lazy and fat and ... just not at the top of my game.

Okay. Going to change Bubble's diaper and feed her.
Then off to the DMV, the store, the library ... getting the cat urine smell out of one of the couch's cushions (STILL), doing dishes, sprinkling the carpet with baking soda and vaccuming, reading library books, talking to my OB's office ... And tomorrow, taking the cat to the vet to see if she's got a UTI or something that explains why she's being a punk-butt.


I think I might try and get a nap today. We'll see.
And I need to figure out dinners for this week.


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