Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Blah dee dah ...

I know, I know. It's been forever and a day (or, honestly, two whole weeks) since I posted.

And, well, I'm having a rather mentally-crap day.

Don't get me wrong, lots of good stuff has happened. So I can't totally explain this ... not totally.

So, let's see what all has happened since I last posted ...
  • My stepdad's birthday. It's always good to have a birthday. Better than the alternative, right?
  • Michael helped another family in the ward [congregation in churchspeak] move ... so we didn't have a date-day a couple weeks ago.
  • We went to a local renaissance faire. Watched the joust. Ran into some extended family (a couple cousins on my side and one of Michael's great-uncles ... whose voice, it so happens, is VERY like Grandpa C's. So, Uncle B talk makes me REALLY, REALLY miss Grandpa C. A LOT.) and friends (some from church ... and one of my friends that I hadn't seen since he graduated, or thereabouts. But he looks just about the same. And I got to meet his wife and kids, which was very nice.
  • Bruise bought a new wooden sword and a shield. Bucket got a "Dragonpet," a plasticky dragon that you can wear like a bracelet, and a cloak. Bubbles was sleeping most of the time, so she didn't get any real souvenirs. Next year, probably.
  • I tried haggis.
    Hey, it was an option at the Ren Faire.
    And it wasn't in a "wee sheep's stomach." ... In fact, it was just pretty much ground lamb with brown gravy. Quite good. In fact, Bucket LOVED it.
    I think my Scottish ancestors would be proud.
    (My mom certainly wasn't. *lol* That's because she's not descended from that Scots stock. *nods*)
  • We went to some friends' wedding reception.
    One of Michael's past roommates and a friend from church choir years ago got married ... to each other!
    We also got to visit with another of Michael's friends/past roommates and his wife. It's good to see them not JUST on Facebook. ^_^
  • Then, after all that excitement, I came down with THE PLAGUE ... well, a sinus infection. I stayed home from church and used a bazillion tissues and rested all day. And I was better in a couple days.
  • Since I was still getting better, I missed a PTC (Parent-Teacher-Council) meeting ... and the second one, later that week, was conflicting with the RS (Relief Society) activity. So, yeah, I suck at making it to school stuff. 
  • There was a playdate on Thursday that the new Playgroup person (NOT ME) did. Bubbles and I had to leave early to meet another friend ... but it was very fun.
  • Earlier in the week, we had a friend over for dinner (She was delicious. KIDDING! We didn't eat her! No cannibalism on MY watch!!). After dinner (and once the kids were in bed), we watched my old VHS of Saturday's Warrior. OLD SKOOL, man. OLD SKOOL.
    It's so cheesy and not totally doctrinally-correct. But, oh, I have a soft spot in my heart for that show.
  • Friday, we fed the (sister) missionaries assigned to our ward. It was nice to get to know them. ... And to know that I CAN prepare a gluten-free meal. Go me, right?
  • Saturday was our ward's day of service ... Michael helped work on fixing the shed of a member's house. I took the kids over to help move things out of a friend (in the ward)'s garage, since she's moving. With Bruise and Bucket's help, we were able to reach a high shelf. And my friend gave old clothes and sheets and toys to the kids. Very sweet of her.
  • Sunday ... was Sunday. Michael takes Bubbles when she has a meltdown in Nursery ... so I got to spend the whole time in RS, which hasn't happened in ... I don't even remember how long.
    And it was nice to get to be able to listen to the lesson and sit by people without fretting that Bubbles is a huge distraction (probably more to me than to them ... but still).
    We didn't have choir, since our choir leader had something else that she needed to do.
  • I went to lunch with my friend and Bubbles yesterday. Bubbles didn't have a high chair, so she sat by me in the booth. One of the owners was there and he cooed, "I love you. I love you." to her ... and tried to set her up with his great-grandson. ^_^ Pretty cute.
  • I found out where all the weevils that have shown up in the kids' bathroom and the laundry room have come from ... a bag of wild bird seed. So THAT's out of the laundry room. Maybe with the cooler weather, they'll all die (the weevils, not the birds). I can only hope.
  • I need to make dinner before we go to curriculum night. I'm about caught up on the dishes. (Not the laundry. Not by a long shot. *sigh*)
I finished my scarf. And one for Michael. And one for Bucket. Working on Bubbles' scarf now. Then maybe a better one for Bucket.

Picture day is coming up. I have clothes set out for Bruise and Bucket. So that's good.

But ... for some reason, I keep coming back to what a friend (who I've had that falling out with ... and I've tried to reach out to her without being overbearing. And ... yeah) said. That I wasn't the kind of friend that she was looking for or needed... because, maybe, she hadn't allowed me to be. (She also said that she wasn't the kind of friend that I was looking for or needed ... so, there's that. But ... yeah.)

It's been a few months. And ... well, it still stings. And I still miss her.
And it makes me realize, a little too often, that I am kind of lonely.
I should make plans with my out-of-town friends. I should pick up the phone.

I know that this particular friend is busy. And I don't want to be overbearing ... she asked for time. And I'm doing my best to give her what she needs.

Still, I really did try to be the best type of friend and to be there when she needed me.
And I don't like feeling (still) that I just couldn't make the bar on that.

I did, a few weeks ago, message a friend out of the blue (he's busy, so we don't always touch bases a lot ... but we're still friends) to ask him if I was overly demanding or a crap friend in general. He did assure me that I'm fine and he's never felt that I had overly high expectations of him (or other friends ... since we have a lot of mutual friends. And he's practically my brother, without all the legal/bloodline stuff).

And Michael and my mom, who love me enough to tell me if I'm being a butthole, have told me that my feelings of frustration and all are not completely irrational ...

Still, it sucks.

It sucks because I can't fix it on my own.
It sucks because that's not the only crap thing going on.
But it is the one that affects me the most personally.
And, for whatever reason, it's the one most on my mind at present.

I have friends that are going through divorces.
I have friends that can't pay their bills.
I have friends that are going through crazy-bad situations ...

and ... I'm fixated on this failure of mine.
Which isn't nearly as terrible as it could be. ... But ... yeah.

But this feeling horrible-ness plus some of the other stuff going on ... it just makes me want to curl up in flannel jim-jams, in a cozy blanket, on my comfy couch with a mug of (rooibos) tea and watch Jane Austen novels-made-into-movies. Because nothing too terrible happens in Austen. There are (mostly) courtly manners and sweet flirtations and men in breeches and vests. There are (usually) some wonderful vistas of gorgeous English countrysides. And the strains from a pianoforte or a spinet. And beautiful dresses.

I mean, as much as I ADORE Jane Eyre, it's got much more suspense than an Austen novel (well, Northanger Abbey might give it a run for its money. I should read that one) ... so does BBC's Sherlock.
Doctor Who might be good escapism, though. ... I've gone off on another tangent. Sorry.

But, yeah, I just want a set time/place where I can just have a good cleansing cry, then coddle myself with Austen movies (or the Anne of Green Gables movies) and (rooibos) tea. Just escape the world and its responsibilities ... and, maybe -- just maybe, then I'll be able to brush myself off and stand on my own feet and handle my life and being social and maybe never repairing that friendship and fixing lunches for the kids and figuring out what to make for dinner everyday and getting caught up on laundry and making it to PTC meetings (which always seem to end up scheduled on the same evening as RS meetings) and cleaning my house and fighting weevils and ants and fleas, oh my.

Oh, in other news, I colored my hair again (medium brown). It took Bucket two days to notice.

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