Huh ...

So, after feeling horrible (and that's a bit of an understatement) since being extended that one calling on Sunday morning, I'm feeling a lot better.

I wrote an email (another) to the Bishopric counselor who extended the call.

I gave a lot of reasons/excuses of why I'm really not comfortable with this calling.

• I have never felt so clueless in a calling as when I had this one five years ago.
• I hate being in front of people ... and that's a requirement of this calling.
• In our ward (congregation), our Scouting program is ... special. We have two wards combined, which isn't that usual. Half of the leadership is from the other ward. ... And, if I'm in charge and some of the other ward's folks don't want to do what I say, they just might not do it at all.
  (This is the reason why my twins have their activities on different days. If our ward had its own Scouting program, Bruise and Bucket would have their activities on the same weekday and in the same building.)
• If I accept this calling, I'll have two weeks where I'm not home for three days in a row of those weeks (Between dropping off Bucket for Activity Days and picking her up, being present for Cub Scouts three evenings a month, Round Table meetings on the second Wednesday, Parent-Teacher Committee meeting on the THIRD Wednesday of the month, IMMEDIATELY followed by our monthly Relief Society meeting ... Yeah, that's a LOT of time away from my family).
• A big reason why I've been TRYING to accept this calling is because I hate disappointing people or being unsupportive.
• I'm sure that I'll receive blessings IF I accept it and work on it, but ... whenever I think about accepting/performing this calling, I cry (and cry and cry and cry).
• Part of this calling is getting a group to be enthusiastic about this auxiliary. It's quite difficult to develop enthusiasm if your leader is sobbing. Just saying.
• While I have a testimony that this auxiliary is important, I don't have a testimony that it requires me in it as anything but a supportive semi-outsider.
• My husband already has a BIG calling. I'm working to support him as Elders Quorum president. Which he's been for FOUR YEARS (or, as I prefer to say it "FOUR-EVER"), through THREE different bishops. ... And he doesn't have any impression that they'll be releasing him anytime soon.

I could also state that I'm rather lazy and I LIKE to be at home. And I already have a calling that they never mentioned releasing me from (and we JUST got a new Relief Society president ... I like her. I don't want her to scrabble about to find a replacement for me immediately). I'm cool with my calling ... I don't mind being in it (even though, as Compassionate Service Leader, it's really a "feast or famine" calling. There are months when I don't need to do much at all. Others where I'm desperately working to find weeks of dinners/meals delivered to families. Or emergency delegations of people to help box up an apartment. Stuff like that. It can be stressful. Usually, though, it's not. I just make sure that ladies who've had their babies get some meals delivered to them. I try and make sure that I'm delivering some meals, too. I don't want my sisters in the ward to have to do anything that I'm not willing to do ... but, for some things, I can't, since it's hard to schlep a toddler over to clean/pack a house. I've managed with an infant. Toddlers are harder).

But, yeah. After sending the email yesterday morning, I've finally felt calm/peaceful.
I'm not randomly bursting into tears or snapping at my kids (well, not AS much on that last one).
I feel so much better.

Maybe that's my answer.

And it could be that I've let myself become spiritually lacking. I'm pants at reading my scriptures and saying individual prayers. I never feel like the most spiritual person on the block. Ever.

And so, when I'd pray about this calling, I wouldn't sense any real answer. No definite "no." But I sure wasn't getting anything feeling peaceful ... or anything that interrupted the gloomy cloud that was hanging over me. Even when I'd try and make it like a spiritual Magic 8-ball.
"Okay, I'll take it. I'll do this. I have the ability to do it. I don't want to do it, but I can manage ... okay? Is that what I need to do? ... ... ..." *starts crying again.*

"All right, I'm turning it down. Not going to do it. I mean, I don't HAVE to accept it. I'm trying to support my leaders. But, well, maybe there's some other way." *cries more*

I still haven't officially accepted or rejected this calling ... and I don't really have any idea on what I should do/choose. But ... well, it feels okay again. Well, as okay as it can when I don't know what to do. But, still.

I haven't heard back from the counselor. I'm wondering if he's gone back to the bishopric about it.
At least they know that I really don't WANT to let them down or be unsupportive. I worked to make that clear. And they will know that I might not be spiritual enough to receive (or, at least, to recognize) an answer on my own in regards to this.

But, yeah, that's really about all there is about that.

And I should let you know that Michael took Bruise to Cub Scouts yesterday evening. They stopped by the store on their way home. Brought me gelato and flowers. Bruise picked out red carnations. (I think he remembers that I love carnations and their sweet, spicy scent. Because he remarked to Michael that these ones really didn't smell. Which is true of about all carnations from a florist's shop. Sad.)

But, Bruise picked out red carnations because, as he said, "Red is the color of the heart."

Yeah, my husband has raised a great boy.

(Bucket, Bubbles and I read books together while the boys were away. In case you wondered.)