I'm sure I had a clever title ... Must have lost it somewhere ...

It's occurred to me how much I seem to be FAILING as a mother and as a person.

And, no, I don't think this is just the monthly hormone-festival talking.

But really ...

• My kids' great-grandparents live in town. Maybe two miles away. How often to we go and see them? Not a lot. And we SHOULD. I mean, really. They're not getting any younger. And it's a huge blessing to be able to know your great-grandfolks. (And the set that I knew passed away when I was three or four and twelve, respectively.)
• I'm seriously thinking of volunteering at the more local library. All I have to do is volunteer a total of 12 hours per quarter, and I won't have any more OVERDUE FEES!!!! (Seriously, after my total brain-lapse that cost me SEVEN FREAKING DOLLARS, I really have NO reason NOT to volunteer.)
• I should take time away from reading blogs and playing facebook games to read my scriptures, finish my Personal Progress, make sure that my kids DO know how to read and write and do basic arithmetic, take my kids to the park and playdates and such ...

I know that during the summer, there was talk of a little mom-ran preschool. I was waffling because my friend T and I were going to do a preschool thing together. We didn't. And I think that other moms are on the mom-preschool ... I don't know.

I've also realized that I haven't done much at all social lately. With the exception of volunteering at my library. I read other blogs about how some moms actually, like, spend time with their girlfriends. (Yes, they do go out to restaurants or the movies ... which cost money that I don't have right now. And I don't know these gals. But, still, I'm a little jealous. It's really my own fault. I barely talk to people on the phone. And most of my gals are not in town. Or they're busy. ... Or things happen -- like when I have a Tupperware party and, well, no one shows up. Because THEY HAVE LIVES ... and it kinda feels like I don't. ... And then I have to try and figure out WHEN I could find two hours or so to volunteer at the local library ....)

Yeah. And did I mention that I SUCK at reading my scriptures? Or having personal prayer?
I'm a YW leader (well ... I'm the YW Secretary.). I should/NEED TO pray for these girls EVERY DAY.

And I suck at it.

I should be praying for all the gals on my Visiting Teaching list DAILY. I should probably pray for my companion ... and I fall behind.

I mean, the real constant is praying with Michael. He prays in the mornings (this year) and I say prayer before we fall asleep. (So, hey! This year, we have coherent prayers in the mornings! Yay! *rolls eyes* Yeah, I'm not all that with it, being verbal at 5 A.M. Just keeping it real.)
And, lately, I make sure to pray for my Uncle. Since that stupid tooth infection that CAUSED his heart attack is BACK. And it's pretty serious.

And I pray, pray, pray that our tax rebate comes in. Because I really, really, really want to be (mostly) out of debt. And to have some savings. And to do something fun. And to not be all, "Oh, we can't do anything; we can't afford it." Because ... and I know it's so shallow of me ... but money is security. And when we don't have it, I worry. I try NOT to worry.
And then I WORRY about not being able to NOT WORRY.

(Yup, everyone has a talent. Mine is being a complete mental. ESPECIALLY when I'm in the throes of homone-fest. Joy!)

And, after a while, poor Michael feels like he's not doing a great job as a husband/provider ... It's not HIS fault that we're in a recession. And that I am a person who loves to have money. And to spend it on books and shoes ... or memberships to OMSI, the zoo, and the aquarium!

Really, if we won the lottery, I'd get us on a plane to Disneyland, STAT.
And, you betcha that while we're down there in California, we'd go to The Exploratorium and Ripley's and all those fun places. (Truly, I'd like to tour Alcatraz again, if I'm in San Fran. It's been, what, over fifteen years since I was there. And, really ... I bought a book about the Birdman of Alcatraz. He was one freaky piece of work. I really should have bought the book about Al Capone. At least HE wasn't a pedophile ... right? I mean, I heard he was quite the gentleman. When he wasn't having people murdered and all.)

Heck, if I had the money, I'd go to Scotland ... work on some family history and all. And go shopping in London. At Bravissima ... where they actually cater to gals with HUUUUUUUUGE ... tracts of land, per se. (Hey, I didn't ask for them! Really. Ask my poor mother who had to listen to my childhood prayers of, "Please, PLEASE, don't let me have BIG HURKIN' BOOBS like my Mom!!!" Seriously.)
(I had quite a way with words even then, don't you agree?)

But, really ... I haven't been reading as much or as quickly as usual. I've been hormonal and not sleeping well. I REALLY am desperate to get all our stupid bills paid off (and for Michael to get his pay raise. Once the results of his exam come in. And he should definitely have passed. Easily.) and to FINALLY get my call sign (our whole exam group STILL hasn't been entered into the FCC database. We might be one of those poor groups that takes FOUR WEEKS to be entered in there. *sigh* ... What makes it crazy is that an exam group almost a whole week after ours has ALREADY been entered into the database. *tragic!!*) ...

And, yeah, I am starting to think that I just REALLY am going to have to bite the bullet and create a schedule for doing things. Just make a weekly thing going on ... "practice kids' reading NOW. Do a Science experiment NOW. Mop the floors NOW. Sweep the yard, go to the park, bake bread, plan week's dinners, fold and put away laundry, EXERCISE YOUR FATTY BOTTOM, read scriptures with kids, study scriptures by myself, pray with kids, pray by myself, write list of people I should be including in my prayers, do the d*** dishes, put the d*** dishes and laundry away, take the kids' piggy banks to the bank and deposit their money in their accounts (Hey, SOMEONE has to have money in this family. At least THEY get to!) ...

Really ... it's nice to think that I can be all FUN and SPONTANEOUS! .... But, right now, I really am not doing so well. I really wish that I were.

That's it. I'm going to find myself a decent week;y calendar template to plan out this week. And maybe next week. Just to give it a try.

Also, I'd like to get a goldfish. But I'd feel better about that IF all my plants weren't dying. AGAIN.

And we might be taking care of a friend's bunny ... if she can't find him a better home than ours. ... But, you know, I'd kinda LIKE a bunny. So, in order to have a bunny, I REALLY need to get myself in mental shape for taking care of animals. At least taking BETTER care of animals. (It's amazing that Diana-cat puts up with us. Poor dear.)

So, yeah ... Let's get some crap done (i.e., I need to get some crap done).

Now, why, when I write this, do I feel dizzy? Let's just blame it on my stupid period. That's why I have a period, right? So I can blame crap on it.

I'm going with this idea. Because it sounds good to me.