Venting ... lots of it ...

So, like I may have mentioned, my calling at church is Cubmaster. And I'm still floundering. And, even thought I've been trained (I did the Fast Start online and I've gone to Round Tables and all), I really don't feel like I have any idea really what I'm doing.

I'm a bit of a perfectionist, yes. The cubmaster we had in my old ward ... I'm not going to him because I don't feel he was the best one (I got really irritated with him a few times. And tried not to show it).

I hate going to meetings ... especially meetings that are planned when Michael is not around to help with the kiddos ... and I don't really care to have these meetings encroach on what little time I DO get with my husband. Yes, I am just that pissy.

I paid the bills today. Joy.
I got a shower.
I haven't worked out much. Not on Friday. Did a 2K walk with Michael and the kids for a church activity Saturday. Did nothing Sunday ...
I haven't been sleeping well.
I broke down talking to the bishopric member and spent the last hour of church in the car, alternately crying and calming down and reading then crying more then calming down so I wouldn't look too upset when I picked up Bruise and Bucket from Nursery.

Yesterday I saw a ginormous spider in our bedroom as I was getting dressed. I killed it. I deserve a frickin' medal, yes I do!

I haven't cried yet today ... but I still feel like it. I really don't like Scouting much (I used to have no opinion of it. Now I feel that it's fitting, considering how clueless I feel after all the training I've had, that the first initials of the Boy Scouts of America are "BS.")

Yes, I am just this snarky. I'm tired of not knowing what to do and not having anyone around to either show me or learn with me.
I'm tired of not sleeping well.
I'm tired of yelling at my children.
I'm tired of being tired and whiney and pitiful and ... okay, I'm crying again.

I feel obligated to be in this calling because they called me. I'm supposed to learn something. they're scrambling to fill all these callings. I think that Brother M is aware that I'm not the happiest (since I just about started sobbing in front of him yesterday in the church hallway. Gah.) ... Yes. I'm just not ... happy ... right now.

I should be happy. I have rather wonderful children (who at this point, may have taken off their diapers in their cribs ... but they're chatting to each other after a long nap which let me try and get some of this Scouting crap done), I have a wonderful husband (who puts up with me as my mental health number has gone through the roof this month), I have books (wonderful, miraculous books. Books that will take me away and let me escape), I have the internet ... I have my cats. I have my family.

Is it bad that I really don't like having a calling? I haven't enjoyed the callings I've had for the last six months. I liked working with L (the Webelos leader in our last ward). Before that, before we moved, Michael and I taught in Primary which was okay ... but I really wanted to be able to attend Relief Society. I don't really like teaching in Relief Society ... but I think I'd like it better than this. (No meetings, really. Just one responsibility one Sunday a month ... It sounds really tempting. But that's not the calling I was extended. And I'm trying not to be bitter about it. Trying.)

Gah. Well, I'll let you know if my head explodes anytime soon. Or if a miracle occurs and I suddenly feel comfortable and confident in this calling.

I'd count on the former happening first. I've scheduled it for the last Friday of the month. We'll see how right I am.