Crazy Dream Chronicles Strikes (Yet Again)

So, since I didn't post FIRST THING upon getting up, I only have snatches of last night's dream ...

• It was at a school.
• I was a janitor? Whatever, I was there with Michael after hours.
• There was a display case.
• In the display case (which was easily opened, ... this is pertinent a couple bullet points down)
• Part of the display is a tall, thin, skinny-oval egg. It's tan and speckled with darker brown, white, and black spots.
• The egg begins to crack/hatch.
• A little animal (about seven inches [or thereabouts] long squirms out.
• I pick it up.
• It's a beaver ... a very cute and tiny and well-behaved beaver.
• I don't know what to do with it
• I start to browse the internet [with incognito tabs, since I don't have a license for owning a beaver and I don't want to get in trouble, but it doesn't have a mom and I can't bear for it to starve, since it's a newly-hatched BABY ... and, YES, irl, I KNOW that beavers are MAMMALS and do NOT hatch from eggs] for BEAVER MILK, since I know that there's cat-milk for abandoned kittens, so NATURALLY there'd be BEVER MILK, OF COURSE.
  
  (There's a reason I call these "crazy dream chronicles" ... My subconscious is a very strange place.)
  
• I'm working my darndest to sell Michael on the idea of having a baby beaver.
• He's not really buying it, but agrees that we can foster it while we call a wildlife refuge to take decent care of it.
  
  
• But, I think that when we called, they couldn't take it for some amount of time, so I NEEDED to foster this critter.

And that was the main gist of my dream.

SPECIAL.

#52 Lists - List 2 - List Routines in Your Personal Life and at Work

Right now, I'm kinda horrible at routines.

Lets' see ... here's a typical day:

• Wake up to Michael's alarm. Fall back to sleep immediately. I'm sure he said a prayer and kissed me goodbye. I usually don't remember. #badwife
• Wake up slightly before my alarm(s). Check Facebook. Maybe remember to say a prayer. Maybe (on a REALLY GOOD DAY) get a shower early.
• Bruise is usually awake. Bucket and Bubbles are usually good about getting themselves up, too.
• Depending on the day, I might, after throwing on some clothes, take Bucket and/or Bruise to a club/class before school (Strings lessons twice a week, Girls on the Run twice a week, Musical Theater [technically twice a week, but conflicts with Strings ...], Track Club [if offered], ...). Otherwise the kids put together their lunches and catch the school bus.
  I try to have the older kids empty the dishwasher and dryer before they leave.
• Depending on the day, sometimes Bucket has activities [MusicMakers was Tuesday mornings. Library storytime is Wednesdays] ... sometimes I have Visiting Teaching.
  I nearly always get a shower before heading out. Standards, people, I have them.
• Come back from errands (or take a break from procrastinating). Eat lunch.
• Sometime during the day, I read to/with Bubbles.
  I also read myself. If I'm really lucky, I get a nap.
• Kids get home. Unload dishwasher (if it's been run), more laundry. Bruise makes sure to keep up his streak in Duolingo. They relax from school. Maybe go out and play. I figure out something for dinner.
• Michael gets home. We eat. We chill.
• Read scriptures and pray together as a family. Kids get ready for bed and go to bed around 8pm.
• Michael and I chill: chat, watch something (Netflix or the DVD from Netflix or a DVD from the library or something that we own). Sometimes we decide to play a board game or something instead. We head to bed around 10pm
• Since Michael wakes up earlier, he falls asleep sooner. If I can't sleep, I play on my phone until I'm tired ... then I sleep.

What do I like? 

• Spending time with Michael, for sure.
• Chilling with the kids
• Reading and praying as a family. If the schedule allows, not only do we do scriptures and prayer together, but I also read aloud to the kids. It allows me to share books I love with them.
  (The Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, Wonder, the Blossom Culp/Alexander Armsworth stories by Richard Peck, ... there are others, of course. But those are the bigger ones.)

What do I want to change?

• I think I need to start doing FLYlady again ... get more of a schedule for cleaning/housework.
• When the kids are all in school, I'm going to try to start volunteering at the library. I haven't volunteered at our local library ... but I'd love to get my shelving zen on again.
• I need to start planning meals. It'll make evenings (and days) a lot more organized.
• I also want to schedule individual time with each of my kids ... right now, between school making life a little zany, allergies kicking my trash so that I'm exhausted, the house being a sty ... well, it's not so easy to prioritize everything/everyone as they should be.
• I need to schedule prayer and scripture study for myself ... I know it'll be easier when the kids are all in school ... and when I have a housekeeping schedule in action (Think about it: Get up, get kids to school, throw dinner in the slow cooker, make a cup/pot of (herbal/Rooibos) tea, sit down at a (CLEAN!) table and read and ponder ... then go to the bedroom and have a prayer. After that, tidy up the house, run a vacuum, do a load of laundry and dishes, fold laundry while catching up on my Netflix queue ... run any errands/volunteering/Visiting Teaching ... read uninterrupted (or do a craft ... I do those sometimes!) ... kids get home, help with any homework/spend individual time, meet Bubbles at the bus, get her settled (maybe even a nap for her!), get dinner set out, clean up, scriptures/prayer/story-story ... time with Michael. Sounds pretty sweet, eh?
  Okay, maybe not exactly your cup of (herbal/Rooibos) tea ... but I'm comfortable knowing that I'm kinda boring.
  And I forgot to add going to PTC/PTO meetings and running the kids to soccer, ballet, Activity Days, Scouts, etc ... but you get what I mean.

I like being spontaneous ... but it would help to have a better-implemented schedule in place from which to veer, if you get what I mean?

Someday ... Someday.

Crazy Dream Chronicles: Celebrity Cameos

I'm not remembering much of my dreams ... but what I do recall? Wowza.

A couple nights ago, I remember, in my dream, being at a table. A light colored, round-ish table.
One of my (VERY, VERY EXTENDED) cousins, C, was there.
Pulling up a chair and swinging into it, next to her, was Chris Hemsworth.
They were obviously friends. They joked and bantered ... he playfully pretended to give a chomp to her neck.
Wacky fun.

(And also, NICE! Good for C, getting to be friends with CHRIS HEMSWORTH!! Even if it's just in my dream.)

Last night, I remember that, in my dream, Michael and I ... and other people ... were walking through a house? A house museum?

Regardless, in the dream, there was a narrow flight of stairs. Not TOO narrow.
But I bumped my purse (something that happens VERY often, irl, since I try to be prepared for nearly anything ... which necessitates carrying around THE PURSE OF DOOM™) ... where was I?
That's right ... I bumped my purse into JOSH GROBAN.

And then, classy dame that I am, I started doing the impression of Josh Groban from Kid Snippets.
CLASSY.

However, Josh Groban was CHARMED and DELIGHTED and asked me to do it again. And he walked me down the stairs on his arm. Very nice boy, he is.

And, NO, my Kid Snippets Josh Groban impression is not really that good at all.
Just being honest.

.... Now, WHY are these folks showing up in my dreams?
I suppose because Cousin C has Disney Princess hair ... so it makes sense to pair her with the Marvel Superhero (since they're now owned by Disney) with godlike hair.

And Josh Groban has been showing up a lot on my Facebook feed advertisements...

But, no, it doesn't really make all that much sense. Not a lick of sense, really.

Review - Daisy VoxBox from Influenster

** DISCLAIMER: I received a box of free samples to review from Influenster. The products were all complimentary. The opinions are honest and sincere, since you cannot buy my integrity.**

Okay, with that disclaimer out of the way, let's get on to reviewing swag!

DA BOX OF FREEBIES

Open Sesame!

The lineup

You can't tell the players without a program!

THE REVIEWS

Always Infinity Pads 

These are my go-to brand ... and I was thrilled to get a sample (Because I had used the emergency pad in my purse when I was having a coughing fit for non-menstrual-but-anyone-who's-given-birth-would-understand-reasons ... do I have to spell it out? [I typed that first as "do I have to SPILL it out. Freudian Slip?]).

They sent me pads for a heavy flow ... it's like they know me.

ALSO, part of the box was a coupon. That's handy.

It's a little hard to review a product that I already have used (I don't always got for the Infinity ones) ... But, suffice it to say that I dig these. They work. That's important. Since I hate doing more laundry than I have to.

Dannon Light & Fit Yogurt

 There's a coupon for yogurt. It reminds me a bit of the old Target:Women video by Sarah Haskins:  

At the same time, I do really like yogurt. I like eating yogurt, drinking yogurt, eating yogurt-covered dried fruits ... I'm a yogurt-lovin' fool.

But, yes, the yogurt was good. Tasty. A bit thinner than I'm used to eating lately, since my heart belongs to Greek-style yogurt (or Noosa ... that's good stuff). But hey, a free yogurt! What's not to like, right? (Unless it's a free GREEK-STYLE YOGURT!)

Nature's Bounty Probiotic Gummies

These also came with a coupon.

Given my druthers, I prefer all vitamins/medicines possible to be in gummy form.

These are tasty ... I don't know, though, if they've improved my gut flora. (TMI, I'm sure: I've been crazy flatulent and have loose stools. Maybe these are TOO EFFECTIVE? Maybe one shouldn't be taking gummies for vitamins AND fiber along with these? Maybe I should eat more whole foods? Maybe I should get an enema? [I hope not])

Regardless, these are tasty enough. They're really firm gummies. (The Up and Up brand of Melatonin gummies are MUCH softer. But I know that optimal-gummies-texture is a very personal thing.)

SkinnyPop Sea Salt Microwave Popcorn

It's a pretty nifty idea to advertise microwave popcorn that pops into a box for eating (so you don't get the popcorn oil/salt all over your knuckles and the back of your hand while double-fisting handfuls of popcorn. ... What? You're telling me that's NOT how you eat popcorn, too?

It's cool that they use only three ingredients. I'd be happier if they used something that wasn't Palm Oil (THINK OF THE ORANGUTANS!)  ... maybe coconut oil? 

Setting up the box was pretty easy. And I liked the "pop quizzes" (There were two.)

That's SO fetch!!

Popping the popcorn was pretty simple ... if you've made microwave popcorn that even I can't manage to scorch, that's a pretty big accomplishment.

This is after sharing with my daughter ... it WAS full to the top!

Eating it:  It's definitely not too salty. But, since I'm used to the regular, fatty microwave popcorn, I'm missing that fake-butter flavor. I can't tell if it's the palm oil that tastes so different or if I'm just expecting that movie-popcorn-butter flavoring. Regardless, my mouth felt a little waxy after each mouthful. But my lips weren't covered in that salty, fake-butter film ... so ... okay.

I shared some with my youngest daughter (after I took the other kids to school). She liked it, but agreed that she likes "butter popcorn" more.  (Score one for Paula Dean!)

I think that I'd try this  popcorn again ... maybe check out another flavor (Looking online, there IS a butter-flavored option -- There are three additional ingredients, but they're all pronounceable, so that's cool. I might pick some up to try). The packaging, though is pretty awesome. And I like that I didn't burn the popcorn at all. 

Of course, since I had to go to their website, now I'm wanting to try some of the other flavors available in their bagged popcorn (You had me at "Dusted Dark Chocolate").

Though, the more that I got through the box of popcorn, the more I thought about it as an idea for my kids' lunches ... None of the popcorn was very oily, so it'd pack really well. Maybe I am getting sold on this, after all. (That's the danger of free samples, you know.) 

Live Clean Coconut Milk Shampoo and Conditioner

 These smell AMAZING. I'm a sucker for coconut-scented things. When I was in high school, especially during the winters, I'd throw caution to the wind and use Suave shampoo and conditioner most days, just so that my hair would smell like summertime. So, using this is a throwback to my high-school genius. ... Though these smell more like a sweet coconut, as opposed to the fake, suntan-lotion coconut smell. Still, if my hair were longer, I'd be pulling it to my nose to sniff all day.

When I used the shampoo, I noticed that it didn't lather up as much as my usual Biologe. I checked the back of the bottle, sure enough, it's because it doesn't have sodium lauryl sulfates (SLS), which is supposed to be much better for one's hair. I liked how clean my hair felt afterwards. I might have to try this on my older daughter's hair. I definitely did need a conditioner afterwards.

The conditioner (among other things) is silicon-free ... which should be really nice on my baby-fine hair.  Once I ran it through my strands, I was a little worried that I used too much ... Nah, I'm good. I combed through my hair with my wide-toothed comb and ... my hair felt pretty amazing.

 After using the paper mask (reviewed last), I took my hair out of its microfiber wrap and combed it out again. I even pulled out my hair dryer and helped speed along the drying process (which I barely ever do. 95% of the time, my hair dryer is used to help dry my make-up setting spray. No lie.) ... I don't have the patience to dry my hair fully, so I just usually let it air-dry (99% because I'm lazy).

Yes, I put on some makeup: moisturizer, concealer, powder, eyeliner, mascara, and clear eyebrow gel.

 But, seriously, my hair is SUPERSOFT. And I usually pride myself on my soft hairz ... but my hair is REALLY soft right now. And it still smells amazing. I didn't notice as many bits of my hair being as flyaway as normal, either. ... This necessitates further study. Thank goodness there are full-bottle-samples of shampoo and conditioner, not just the little travel-size pouches. Because I need to see if this is an every-time result. FOR SCIENCE. 

Say Yes to Tomatoes Detoxifying Charcoal Paper Mask

"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!" ... And I hope that this doesn't offend anyone. This is not supposed to be blackface.

I think that paper masks are great ... mostly because they look creepy as all-get-out.  (You can tell the few times that I've used one in the past because I post it to Facebook and make jokes about "it rubs the lotion in its skin." Because I'm a classy woman like that.)

I've used some of the Say Yes to products before. And I've liked them mostly (I was SUPERBUMMED when the tube of Say Yes to Tomatoes Charcoal Warming Mask that I had bought broke before I even got halfway through it [I'm a superfan of those warming masks, THANKS BIORE, YOU ENABLER. I've been spoiled since high school, thanks to your self-heating mask! Such innovation! No, that's NOT sarcasm, that's SINCERITY.]).  ... ...  So I was looking forward to using this mask. Especially since it warned about giving a "tingly" sensation. ON YOUR FACE!

 I don't know that it's terribly tingly ... it's a little more intense than a bubble mask, though, when a breeze blows through, I'm more aware of it. I noticed it most under my nose (since I was constantly breathing on it), later I noticed it on my cheeks.

I find that with how the paper mask is cut, it's made for someone with a longer and slightly narrower face than mine ... and with a smaller, wider nose. Also, this is the first time that I had a paper mask that I COULD cover my eyes with. Right now, I'm typing with the eye-flaps folded down like panting-dog-tongues below my eyes. It's a little weird for my peripheral vision. 

Do I creep you out?

It smells nice. But, in my limited experience, everything by the Say Yes to line has smelled really pleasant. Whenever I'd adjust it, my fingers (besides smelling really nice) would be very silky soft from the essence/serum/whatever-its-called-I'm-not-a-professional-beauty-blogger-I'm-not-paid-to-know-this-I-just-got-a-free-product-to-review. 

Here I am, post-mask ... All glowy with essence-y-stuff

So, after the mask, I ... for lack of knowing what else to do, rubbed the rest of the essence/liquid-stuff into my skin. My face felt super-smooth (and smelled amazeballs). There's the picture of me ... right above this paragraph. I look pretty darn glow-y and dewy and all. Between washing my face prior to the mask (Mario Badescu Enzyme Cleaner and St. Ives Apricot Scrub) and using the mask, the pores on my face are looking pretty darn nice! 

_____________________________________________________

And so concludes my off-the-cuff reviews of these products. I might have to buy the shampoo and conditioner. I'll give the paper mask another try (maybe while eating microwave popcorn with my older daughter). I'm not totally sold on the probiotic gummies or the yogurt. And I already use the Always brand pretty often.

***Just in case you didn't catch it above, these products were provided for free to review. I am giving my honest opinion. I got to keep the products listed above. You can sign up, too, if you want. These were provided by Influenster.com in the Daisy VoxBox. Legal, legal, legal, blah, blah, disclaimer, blah, blah.***

Layers upon Layers of TEH CRAZEE in today's serving of Crazy Dream Chronicles™

So, since my dream was SO full of the craziness, Imma just going to do bullet points.
(It's not like anything is going to make much sense, anyways. Let's just look at the facets on this brilliant cut jewel of CRAZY.)

• Michael bought a camper trailer. It was ... in serious need of repairs.
  (Though, irl, his dad often will buy things to fix up. Or he'll "redesign" a plan ... hence the toolhouse he built before he and Mom C moved away. We called it "the birdhouse," since that's what it looked like. ... Michael usually doesn't do this. He's very aware of how much time he has to put into a project AND about how much time to budget to really fix a project.)
• I took a nap in said dream-trailer as we drove somewhere. Then I woke up and played a computer game. For a small fee of in-game coins (that you could earn, since I'm cheap like that), you could have the in-game band perform a special song.
  Which, as it turns out, they did as a CGI-version of the cast of Daria. Dressed in medieval garb. It was glorious. I wondered if I had enough coins to afford to do it again so that Michael could see the glory of it.
• When we stopped, I worked to fix up the kitchen counter in there. Then I realized that I need to take inventory and plan for all the pantry supplies (salt, pepper, dry goods, etc) so that we could use the camper at a moment's notice. 
• In the camper, there was also a rusty, claw-foot bathtub with part of a shower curtain around it. The shower curtain needed to be washed, so I took it down and it was COATED with this weird, viscous, clear gelatin. GROSS. And then the tub was one-third full of this yucky, milky, thick liquid. I considered myself lucky that I had a pair of those yellow kitchen gloves, so I pulled the plug to drain it. And filled it with some clear water for rinsing it out.
  BUT!! The water didn't go down the drain correctly, and you could feel the water sloshing around under the metal-plated floor.
  AND!!!!! In the clear water, there was this black, smoke-like liquid undulating up from the drain. Out of the tub/drain (though I don't know HOW) springs a full-grown chimpanzee with a dead baby chimp dangling by its heel from her hand. She races out the door and drops the stillborn chimp on the junk pile we're parked on.
  Then another chimpanzee ... or maybe the first one came back and traded a dead human baby for the now-living (and remarkably eloquent ... like talking better than most 4-year-old humans) baby chimpanzee.
• Then Michael and I were moving into a house with his old roommate, B, and his wife, P (I have no idea where ANY of our kids are). We were living in a house together and decided to trade which floors we lived on. They used to have the ground floor. There had been a tiny jacuzzi in the living room, but they ripped it out. So there was this green-tiled area with one of those metal dishes you screw into a wall (but this was in the floor) to hide/stop the pipes.
  And there was a BIG bathtub in the corner near it. That was cool, sure, but, like, what if someone wanted to watch TV while Michael and I used the bath? That'd be really awkward. Even with a shower curtain. It's just a bad interior design.

Then I woke up, since Michael's alarm went off and he wasn't in the room. So I got up, since I needed to ... powder my nose. And I told him about the crazy of the dreams.

And, stepping into the bathroom, I stepped on an article of clothing that the kids left out ... which, combined with the fact that I use body oil spray when I get out of the shower AND we have those peel-and-stick tiles on the bathroom floor ... I slipped in slow motion. I landed (softly, expecially considering my body-type) with my left leg bent under me (like half-lotus or cross-cross-applesauce) and my right leg pointed straight out in front of me.

And, since I am behind on the laundry, my fall was cushioned by the pile of dirty clothes ... so ... tender mercies of the Lord?

Then I went back to bed.

And NEXT DREAM! STILL CRAZY!!

• Michael and I were going through a drive-thru restaurant, but something was going wrong...
• MOM and I were going through the drive-thru and we thought we'd get slushies.
  They had three flavors: Orange, Green, and Red ... and those each had a description (but after picking up the house, loading the dishwasher, rushing a kid to school for Musical Theater, and dealing with a Miss Little Chatterbox, I'm forgetting most of the flavors.
  BUT! The mean thing was that the red one was Ginger Dragonfruit, which sounded really intriguing.
  BUT! They only were serving certain flavors on certain days ... or something. And one of the slushie machines was out of order. And I didn't really care for the other flavors as much. And, since they didn't have signs on the drive-thru menu about the limitations on flavors, I was a little miffed. 
• We got our dang drinks anyways and brought them to Michael's truck.

Yeah ... I don't really know what's up with my subconscious. No clue.

But I need to get myself showered and dressed, since I have a cousin-friend (srsly, we're like 10th cousins, 7 times removed) and maybe her grown-up daughters coming over to watch a movie together. I'll put Bubbles to play on the blue tablet ... it'll be good.

Yeah, I really have NO CLUE what my subconscious is up to. No idea at all.

Second helping of those Crazy Dream Chronicles™

So, since I've been awake for a little, I'm losing some of the details ... but here's the gist:

There was one part in where there were ants. LOTS of ANTS. And I was tracing where they were coming from. They were crawling up a bookshelf (like one that Michael's made for me in our house), but the setup of the house was more like my mom's house (my childhood home). I was debating on getting a spray bottle with water, alcohol, and peppermint oil ... and how badly it might hurt the books on those shelves.

DREAM PRIORITIES, YO.
YIGGITY-YO.

The other part of my dream had me going to the inside of a building. It seemed like a historical building, but also like a used-book store (which, tbh, would be a place that I'd LOVE. Since books, for cheap. And the smell of books permeating the room(s). Love that).

And there was a guy there. Kinda a larger-built guy, bushy hair ... kinda reminds me of the acupuncturist I had after a car accident. Nice guy. Haven't seen him in over a decade.

BUT, this guy, in my dream, he was a painter. And I was looking for a birthday present for Michael. And I figured that I'd get a painting ... since, well, here I am, and here's a local-artist-guy ... and we start making plans. And it'll be cool. And hopefully Michael will like it.

Later, I catch up with the artist again (LET IT BE SAID, that, irl, if I were to commission a painting, Michael and I have already agreed that we'd get it from one of our friends who does GORGEOUS seascapes and florals. Seriously, her work is amazeballs. She also makes a most wonderful neighbor and I miss her very, very much since she moved back to Utah) ... and I'm looking at the invoice....

And, like, I thought I'd be paying in the neighborhood of, say, $300 for a commissioned painting.
NO, PEEPS, NO.
It's, like, $2,198 ... and I'm just flabbergasted. I'm GASTED with FLABBER.
This is seriously expensive. And what if Michael doesn't even like it?
So I'm trying to backpedal to arrange something that, you know, we can AFFORD, while not offending his artistic sensibilities.

And that's really about the part where I wake up.

But I do miss getting acupuncture. Pretty relaxing, really.
Not as relaxing as a massage, of course. But still a bit decadent.

Yet another dishing of Allanna's Crazy Dream Chronicles

I'm coughing less ... when I remember to take my steroid inhaler (1 puff in the morning. One at night. ... If I miss a dose, the next couple days are ... interesting).

I keep having strange dreams.

Here's one that I had typed up for my Facebook page:

Well, my dreams were not the most restful. First part, Michael and I picked up plans for a new house, but didn't tour the model home (though it was practically across the street) so I couldn't picture it in my mind to explain it to people.
(You might NOT want to read further, if you're squeamish. Just giving you advance warning.) 

Then we were at a meeting to look at more plans, but it turned into a missionary-type meeting and I was filling out a paper to help tech people (but it seemed more like busywork/fill-in-the-blanks, which was SO NOT REAL) ... then I was sitting on a couch next to [Bubbles] and we're about to say a prayer and I scratch off a scab-thing on my elbow-pit and this pink, gelatinous tube comes out. And it's MOVING. There's a WORM. IN MY ARM. And, since it's prayer, I can't just go get up and gab something to wrap it in and throw it away, so I fling it onto the floor. Then I see there's more in my scab-hole, so I squeeze to get an end and start wrapping more worm around the end of my finger ... and the prayer is over and I get [Bucket] to get me a Kleenex and wrap the flung-to-the-carpet worm and what I've wrapped around my finger into the Kleenex ... and I'm worried that maybe this is just a scab inside my blood vessel from an immunization? Then I realize, as I'm blearing awake that you don't get vaccinations in your elbow-pit.
(Okay, it's safe again.) 

My subconscious has issues.

I don't recall everything about last night's dream ...
Here are the points that I do recall:

• I was a single, younger (thinner) version of myself.
• One of my high-school friends was refusing to celebrate Christmas because it's not scientific and was being kind of a jerk about it (wouldn't accept gifts from people, in a slightly abrasive way) ... IRL, he IS a scientist. He's even worked at NASA for a summer and volunteered at OMSI for a bit. But he's pretty cool towards people.
• My high-school crush-of-crushes was there. He was being aloof. Later he planted a kiss on me (and two other girls) ... even if he hadn't smooched those other girls? ... The kiss was ... extremely lackluster. So, there you go.
• A woman professor (more adult than the dream-versions of ourselves) got the first friend to be willing to acknowledge the holiday. I was crying and thanking her for saving Christmas.

Yeaaaaaaah. My subconscious is an interesting place.

Okay, I need to get ready to take Bubbles to Musicmakers.
I mostly just want to crawl into bed, read and/or sleep.

Just give me six more months and I can actually do that ... it'll be strange to have all the kids in school. But it'll be kinda cool, too. Errands will be a bit easier. A bit lonelier, too.
I'm sure that I'll manage.

I'm sure I had a clever title here somewhere ...

So, yeah, my blogging has been totally intermittent (a word which here means "craptastically rare and sporadic").

So, for the last six weeks or so, I've been sick.
It started out with what COULD have been either a sinus infection or allergies.
I tried treating it like either ... meh.
Bubbles ended up getting a bit sick (FEVER TIME!) and I took us to the doctor.
They were pretty sure it was a virus, since that's been going around the WHOLE valley. Fun, fun.
I got myself a moderate Prednisone prescription.
Yeah, no dice.
Went back and got the BIG GUNS of steroids. It helped. A little
Went back and got a refill for my Albuterol inhaler (for when I come down with Bronchitis) ... eh.
Went back, ordered myself a Nebulizer on Amazon ... that helped a little.
Went back, got a Z-Pak ... my sinuses are feeling GREAT now. Still hacking.

And when I say hacking, I'm talking that, if I'm not careful, I easily cough until I trigger my gag reflex. Blarrrghghghgh. Not so fun. I like my tooth enamel. I want it to STAY.

So, went back to the doctor yesterday. Got a second set of x-rays done  ... yeah, there's still some inflammation in my upper airway (not as BAD as it was, but still enough that I'm the QUEEN OF WHEEZING, yo. --- I just took my inhaler about 20 minutes ago. Still wheezing on the exhale. Sometimes I ALSO wheeze on the INHALATION. Yeah, I'm THAT GOOD.)

And I called into the Pulmonary Center this morning. I have myself an appointment for pulmonary testing this afternoon. Go me, right? Is this asthma? (Possible. My mom has it. She was diagnosed at 30. I JUST turned 36, so it's totally possible.) Is it something else? If so, my doctor is wild to know what's up.
(She, like me, wants to know what the chicken is UP in my upper respiratory airway. Let's get this dealt with. ... If I WASN'T going into Pulmonary testing, she'd have prescribed me a steroid inhaler. But, as she said, "I want them to hear THIS ... thing." She's great. I pink, puffy heart my doctor.)

So ... plans for the day?

• Finish loading the dishwasher. Run that!
• Do another load of laundry!
• Get showered and dressed.
• Take Bubbles to storytime. Hopefully see my friend, S, there.
• Eat lunch.
• Grab the blue tablet and take Bubbles to Pulmonary testing with me. (Should take about 90 minutes.)
• Race home and beat the big kids home from school.
• Make dinner.
• Not cough on everyone.

And maybe read some books in the meantime.

I did check with my nurse, when she called with the number for the testing clinic. I'm cleared to be around people (even pregnant ladies). "Just ... don't cough on them."
Me: "Yeah, I try not to cough on anyone, pregnant or not. It's pretty rude otherwise."

Yup, give me my etiquette medal, since I cough in an empty room --- then APOLOGIZE.
(But, since my doctor could hear me (in the patient room) from the hallway, maybe it's not such a bad thing, right?

Okay. Let's get stuff done.

In which I boast of my cleverness ... and come up with a new headcannon for history

It started with this tweet that a friend reposted:

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission. -- SpookySandwich‏ (@MarisaLange)

And then, I started writing ...

At the same time, I think it's adorable ... They were VERY CONCERNED. And, apparently, a little too embarrassed to ask any other women (and that's not a terribly bad thing, since everyone's cycle is so individual).
I just picture them, red-faced and shuffling their feet, as they stammer out the question ... fearing that Ms. Ride might be HORRIBLY OFFENDED or TERRIBLY EMBARRASSED. ... And then she starts stifling her imminent snickering. "Yes ... that just might manage to suffice. .... Thank you," she manages around barely-stifled giggles.
She excuses herself. Once she closes the door of the women's washroom, peals and hoots of laughter emanate, magnified by the porcelain and steel acoustics.

The baffled engineers look at each other, bemused in the wake of her laughter.
"Should we have offered 150, do you think?"She excuses herself. Once she closes the door of the women's washroom, peals and hoots of laughter emanate, magnified by the porcelain and steel acoustics.
The baffled engineers look at each other, bemused in the wake of her laughter."Should we have offered 150, do you think?"One engineer smacks the arm of the one on his left, "Guys, I TOLD you ... 200. ... She probably thinks we're so dumb." 

Hey, it could have happened. And I love to think that THIS is the way it went down.

#52Lists - List 1 - List What Makes You Happy Right Now

Okay, so after being a sadsack for the last year or so, I'm working at NOT being a pathetic sadsack and getting my groove back. I used to be a happier person with more self-confidence, and I'm determined to find that girl again.

So, part of my self-imposed therapy is that I bought a book called 52 Lists for Happiness.
I like making lists. I like happiness. Ergo, this seems like a decent idea, right?

And I might as well get started at some point ... so here I am (FINALLY) with the first list in the book:
List What Makes You Happy Right Now (or, in Church-speak, "Count Your Blessings.")

So, in no particular order, here we go:

• My husband
• The gospel of Jesus Christ. I like that we are loved beyond comprehension. And that we're allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. And that love is a basic principle. It's awesome.
• President Thomas S. Monson, even though I'm worried about how much longer we get to keep him. But he's always got some of the BEST stories. And I'm a sucker for stories.
• BOOKS. I heart me the written word something fierce.
• Chocolate.
• My family. They're pretty awesome.
• Herbal and Rooibos tea ... pairs perfectly with a book or a historical costume drama.
• Historical costume dramas.
• Cats
• Fennec foxes
• Quokkas ... They are SO DANG HAPPY!!
• Platypusses/Platypi ... they're cute.
• Bunnies
• Baby animals
• Chameleons
• Nail polish ... especially anything with holo glitters. 
• Rainbows. I like all the colors!
• Christmas, because everyone works to be just a little NICER and more COMPASSIONATE.
• Beef stroganoff
• Mashed potatoes.
• Cherry cheesecake
• Hot chocolate (the beverage. But I do also like that one song, "I Believe in Miracles," too.)
• Fountain pens
• Office supplies in general
• The smell of laminating film (see above)
• The smell of new books
• The smell of old books.
• Edward Gorey art (and writing)
• Lemony Snicket's writing style
• Fonts (like the handwriting and typography kind. I mean the water-type are cool, too ... but not AS cool to me. No offense if that's what floats your boat. #NoPunIntended #SeeWhatIDidThere)
• Typography in general ... it's just something that I find aesthetically pleasing. 
• Spellcheck
• The Internet (well, not ALL of it, since there's some scary and bad stuff out there. But I do like the parts of it that I deal with. Social media, games, facebook, blogging, finding answers at a moment's notice, family history, ...)
• Coloring (the feel of a marker or gel pen under your hand? The smell of crayons? The whisper of a colored pencil gliding? It's pretty awesome.)
• Dancing ... especially when I was in shape.
• Swimming
• Lip gloss/lip balm
• Anime and other cartoons
• Those massage chairs at some nail salons
• When my house is clean
• Having more than 15% free memory on my phone
• Music
• Singing
• When you're pregnant and you can feel your little parasite (I say that lovingly) move inside your uterus.
• My Sunday School class
• Relief Society
• Girls Nights Out
• Chatting with friends
• Watching my youngest dance at her ballet class
• Snuggles with my son
• Chatting with my daughter
• Scented markers
• Naps

I'd put more, but MY SWEET BAYBEES are all awake and LOUDLY getting ready for school, so I can't think of much more around their energetic vocal ministrations. :P

But, hey, it's a start, right?

And a lot more things than those listed above make me happy. Those are just the ones that I thought about first.

I'm sick *cough couch*

It's actually not QUITE so dire. I mean, yes, I'm the QUEEN OF MUCUS, but I'm on the mend.

But that's what happens when I overdo stuff. I could tell that I was getting overexerted/overscheduled/overstressed. But did I DO anything about it, really? Did I put my foot down and take a couple extra naps?

No.

So I got sick. Boo on that.

It started off as a maybe-allergies, then went into a sinus-thing. Today is the first day that I haven't taken anything besides using my neti pot in the shower (Word to the wise: Don't step in the mucus you've just dislodged out of your head. It's slippery and GROSS.) ... and I'm feeling mostly okay.

I mean, yes, I should have bought stock with Kleenex ... and, since I'm pushing fluids so very much, I feel like all I've really done the last few days is blow my nose, drink water, and PEE (and pee and pee and pee).
Yeah, you're welcome. I know how you LOOOOOOVE that I'm keeping it SO VERY REAL.

I'll blog for real later. My cup of noodles is almost ready.

Eyring Quote

"There will be noise and people around you most of your waking day. God hears your silent prayers, but you may have to learn to shut out the distractions because the moment you need the connection with God may not come in quiet times." - Henry B. Eyring (Priesthood and Personal Prayer)

This quote ... I like it. I need it.

I am way too distracted and need to get better at focusing.

Tender mercies

One of my friend's mom made jam.
She posted a picture on Facebook. And i,deep in my selfish heart, thought, "Wow, that jam looks amazing. But I shouldn't all for some. Making jam is an effort. And she's got a lot of people who know and love her delicious food."

Within an hour, she messaged me and asked if I'd like a jar, since she'd be in town.

She loves me.
My Heavenly Father loves me.
I am loved. And very spoiled.

Today I Was Brave

If you've known me for longer than ... oh ... five minutes, you might have noticed that I have this tendency to, well, overthink things.

Like overthink EVERYTHING.

Which brings us to today's most eventful thing:

I'm at Bubble's ballet class, standing next to another mom.
I've talked to her before. I like her. She's easy to talk to and gives off that vibe, you know the one, all calming and pleasant.

And we chat a little.

And I screw up my courage ... "Hey, are you on Facebook?" I ask.

"Yes. A LOT."

"Can I send you a friend request?"

"Sure!" And she's so nice, she even helps me spell her last name (which I didn't know or I'd have sent her one earlier. I'm still so pleasantly surprised that Bubble's dance teacher accepted my friend request, to be honest.) and bring up the correct profile.

So *happy wiggle in my chair* I have a new friend.

I was looking through some of her posts this evening. She's a lot more into sports than I am. That's cool. But we actually have quite a bit in common.

I have a new friend, you guys.

I MADE A FRIEND.

I'm not totally hopeless at this! It's amazing!

In other (unrelated) news, I ordered a fountain pen. It's one of the cheaper (but decent) models ... it's supposed to be WAY better than the one I bought at Hobby Lobby a year or so ago ... that was more frustrating to write with than it should have been.
AND IT'S TEAL. Very pretty.
Fine-tip nib.
Sometimes Amazon Prime just isn't quite fast enough ... but it gives me something (yet another thing, really) to look forward to.

And, tomorrow evening, I get to have a girls' night out with two awesome friends. So that's going to be a blast.

And I wrote a letter (like a post-office-requiring-a-stamp-type-letter letter) to one of my friends, because she's mentioned in the past that there's nothing more fun than to get something fun in the mail ... and she wrote back! (And it is superfun to get fun mail) and I wrote her again.
(It's a lot less difficult to write to her than to my Nana ... because I don't have to think so hard or feel so tense. Nothing against my Nana. I love Nana ... but her dementia makes it difficult. Because, well, I never know what she will remember or not. So I just send her a chatty letter, sometimes with photos, full of (not-so-) important nothings ... and not mentioning that I miss her how she was before the dementia took hold.
I mean, I know Nana's still Nana ... but she's also not-so-Nana. ... She doesn't recognize one of my cousins. Which is terribly sad. She knows me and Michael and our kids still. She speaks highly of my mom. She knows her sons and their current wives/girlfriends ... But she's also not so who she was. ... I don't think I'm making much sense. Still, it's nice that she's still sweet and funny. Often a bit confused ... but it could be very much worse. And I'm very grateful that it's not.)

On Facebook, since I have a lot of friends on VERY varying places on the political spectrum (and that can be a little ... interesting. I identify as a moderate Independent, who can skew a bit conservative. It can be a little daunting dealing with Michael's uncles who are VERY, VERY REPUBLICAN ... especially when one of them will turn any slightly-political post I make all about the "liberal agenda."
Seriously, PARAGRAPHS-worth. ... I love my husband's uncles.
It gets more interesting when some of my more-liberal friends (like my high-school Drama teacher) gets involved. I learn a lot, yes, but it can be ... interesting.

But, really, overall? Life is good. I am doing better emotionally and socially.
I mean, sure, there's room for improvement ... but ... I'm feeling a lot better. I think I'm actually getting to that acceptance stage of grief. That's a big improvement.

Bouncing Back ... but not LITERAL bouncing because ... um ... REASONS.

Daaaang, yo. It's been a long time since I last blogged.

Seriously ... six months? I'm sorry. I just haven't really had anything that I felt like was a decent contribution. (I've posted on Facebook ... but that's really been most of it).

Okay, what all are the BIG things that have happened since I last posted? ...

• The big kids went back to school.
• I'm still taking notes for PTC ... managed to be late, like, TWICE ... which is not like me.
• Bubbles is going to MusicMakers once a week (it's this free, cute music and activity class. We sing. We have an activity. They play with a parachute. They eat a snack and listen to a story. She loves it. I enjoy it, too. Everyone's supernice.)
• Bubbles is also in ballet class. She enjoys it. I enjoy watching her. She had her first recital in December. Her class was adorable.
• The kids did manage to get their room clean a couple times. Is it clean right now? ... Let's pretend you didn't ask. We'll all be happier.
• Bruise and Bucket got themselves GROUNDED off their tablets. AGAIN.
  We're waiting for them to work off enough points. It's slow going. Oh well.
• I got a new computer. It's nice and fast. 
• Our heat pump went out right at the beginning of the cold snap. We've used space heaters and are doing fine.
• I've decided to go through the hard, painful parts of grieving over that one situation that I've been all sad-sack about. I had messaged her around Christmas. She messaged back a couple weeks ago ... that I (somehow) really betrayed her trust. I'm still not sure what I did. But I apologized for hurting her, whether or not I did it knowingly.
  I mean, I HATE the idea that I would do something that could cause enough hurt for someone to cut me entirely out of his/her life. I can't think of anything that I've done ... and, if I did it NOT on purpose, ... well, that really sucks.
  
  I mean, honestly, I'm frustrated over the situation. I really would have hoped that, close as she and I were, she would value our friendship enough to tell me asap that I did something, so that I could apologize for it. ... And, honestly, I feel that I've spent the last 18-ish months defending her ... when she didn't feel that our friendship was worthwhile enough to contact me and tell me that I was a jerk and allow me the chance to make things right.
  
  And, after she did contact me back (and refrained from letting me know what I did), I took a look back on things and realized that, for a long time, as much as I love and value her as a person, our friendship has been ... stressful. I always had to worry about what I said or how I said it, since she has a tendency to take offence at things quite easily.
  
  So, I still love her as a friend and I really miss our friendship, especially toward the beginning, when we had SO much fun and laughed so much and I didn't worry that I'm a terrible jerk of a person and that I can't maintain a friendship (which, I know is illogical. I'm friends with people that I've known since grade school. One of the girls I went to high school with -- we're friends on Facebook --, when I said that I was annoying in high school, she argued that I wasn't. Which is incredibly sweet of her (and I don't know how true it is ... because, frankly, I could be VERY annoying).
  
  But, yes, I think that Heavenly Father is sending a lot of tender mercies my way. I know that I need to continue to love this girl (and I do), but I'm getting to the place where I'm able to attain a lot more peace than I've felt for a while. 
• I actually did some more social-type things. I went to my ward RS (Relief Society) meeting and learned about budgeting and food safety and cardmaking. And it was really fun.
  I contacted a friend and had social time with her. We chatted and she's excellent with advice and I felt so very much better.
  I went to the Stake RS meeting, where we made newborn kits for another friend to take down to Guatemala in the summer (she and her husband do a lot of humanitarian work there). And I found that I have a natural talent at getting the air out of ziploc-baggies packed with baby gear (MY TIP: before you completely seal the bag, LAY ON IT. Having the amount of mass I have, I just smush it with my breasticles and muffin-top. THEN you seal it. ... It's nearly perfectly flat and looks like you hit it with a vacuum-sealer. .... I finally found my secret talent!)
• Bruise and Bucket are almost through with their first semester of violin lessons this year. Their concert is coming up this week.
  Last fall, they were in dance club at school. They learned some Swing and Salsa. Bucket is continuing dance club. Bruise is going to be in soccer club (of COURSE).
• I started doing Duolingo again. I finally got all caught up (and past) where I had left off months and months ago. It took me a while (a month!!) of doing it every day. Do I feel confident in my 49/49% fluency in Spanish? Hahahahahahahaaaaa-NO. But I'm getting better and that's something.
• Michael's been CRAZY-BUSY lately. It means that the Sabbath really IS the day of rest.
• I bought sweatpants yesterday. I may never take them off.
  Soooo comfy AND THEY HAVE POCKETS.
• Bruise and Bucket turned 11. They just keep growing and everything.
  I need to do a birthday post for them.
• Bubbles was SO UPSET that THEY had a birthday and she didn't (she has to wait a couple months, poor kid), so we made a paper chain to count down to her birthday.
• I've been listening to a LOT of Hamilton (the edited CD and mixtape). Love it. I keep waking up with random songs stuck in my head. And, apparently, we're Lin-Manuel Miranda fankids, since we also play the Moana soundtrack in frequent rotation.
• Bruise got his Webelos badge and Arrow of Light ... and is now in 11-year-old Scouts.
• Bucket got glasses for reading the whiteboard in school.

I mean, all in all, it's just a collection of busy nothings.

But it's my life. And I'm feeling more comfortable in it again.

And, thank you for reading. I'm grateful for you.
Just wanted you to know.

In which I am maudlin ... let's hope blogging this gets it out of my system.

So, last night I was feeling pitiful (gastronomically ... sorry, TMI) ... and, apparently my brain thought that I should feel pitiful mentally, too!

Misery loves company, right? *overly bright smile*

So, I'm lying in bed, next to Michael and ask ... "Do you think she misses me as much as I miss her?"
He is intuitive and knows that I'm asking about that bestie that ... well, she didn't give me the Cut Direct, since that would involve seeing me. But, yeah, she took herself out of my life without warning.

And ... even though one of the gals I Visit Teach told me, 'Why would you want to keep suffering? Even if she came back and asked to be friends again, why would you take her back?"

It's not that I'm masochistic (well, HOPEFULLY not) ... but, when her and my friendship started out, it was good. It was fun. I miss that.

I don't like that I don't feel as self-assured. I don't like that I lost someone who was so much fun to laugh with.

I mean, it'd be one thing if she had left my life, but I still had my friend K, who passed away, who was fun to laugh and bake with ... even though she and her family were going to move away at some point. I can keep a friendship going cross-country ... I had done it before. Heck, I manage to keep a friendship going across the planet. ... It's just a little harder to do it through the veil (They never call, they never write ...).

But, even though it's been a long while ... nearly a year ... I still feel that ... I ... I just don't feel right.
I feel lost. I feel full of doubt that I'm even a decent friend.

STUDIES SAY, so they say, that if a friendship lasts seven years, it'll be able to weather anything.
...
WELL MAYBE SOME FRICKIN' STUDY IS DEAD WRONG.

And I kind of hate that, too.

Because ... I feel like a crap person.
What kind of crappy person does a girl have to be that her bestie cuts all ties with her without a word? That moves back to the same town and never even texts?

... Going with that, I am a REALLY CRAPPY person.

And ... I don't want to be a really crappy person. I want to know how to have fun, how to not be filled with self-doubt.

And, as friends have pointed out, this now-gone-friend has changed.
And it was harder to be supportive for her ... so ... maybe she's done me a favor?

I don't know.

They say that time heals all wounds.
How do I stop picking at this scab?

Still not dead yet!

Wow ... my last post was ... TWO WHOLE MONTHS AGO?!?

I mean, I knew it'd been a while ... but, wow. Okay.

Why haven't I blogged? Well, lazy covers it. That and I'm not the most exciting person.

I'd been reading more. Fell out of that. Caught up in Facebook games and life, I suppose.

Let's see ... what's the bullet list?

• I turned 35. 
• One of my friends got a place of her own and is moved in ... and out of her ex-husband's place. Thank goodness.
• The big kids (Bruise and Bucket) finished fourth grade. They passed. ;)
  They had a great year, actually. They're looking forward to next school year.
• We have been going around to a lot of places in town.
  Our city does a cute little scavenger-hunt-but-not activity during the summer.
  Kids of all ages can get a "passport" at the Visitors Association, then go to each of the places/events (like a couple local festivals) listed and get a stamp at each one. Then, bring your passport back at the end of the summer. Each stamp = 1 entry in a drawing for prizes.
  One year, Bucket won a gift certificate for the local paint-your-own-pottery place downtown. Last year, she won vouchers for the local bounce-house.
• The kids have been watching more and more of the Studio Ghibli films (Kiki's Delivery Service, Howl's Moving Castle, My Neighbor Totoro) ... we just got Only Yesterday (FINALLY released in North America!) and Spirited Away is on its way to our door (that's my favorite one).
• My stepdad's dementia is getting worse ... as it does. It's really stressful for my mom. And I don't really know what to do about it.
  My Nana finally got moved into the memory care place ... and she's liking it very much. I need to write her a letter ... and I've been putting it off. Like a jerk.
• I've had some doozies of dreams. I don't remember much of them, really.
  In one, I had such bad head lice (but the kids were FIIIIIINE!!) that it looked like moving dandruff on my head from a distance. Gross.
  In last night's episode, there was a crazy drought AND zombie apocalypse ... and there was a dad living on an desert island with at least one daughter ... and he was wanting her to help him die so that she'd have food to outlast all the awful times ... Yeah, my brain is weird.
• Got a few sunburns ... and maybe a heat rash on ONE arm. Now it just has these little pale bumps on it. I don't like it.
• Michael and I went through and weeded out stuff we've already watched on our Netflix queue. I know, we're SO ADULTY.
• Mom and I ordered a full box of Horrible Histories for the kids (and ME!) ... this way they'll be more ready to play Timeline (a tabletop game where you put historical events in order. It's fun. Unless you don't LIKE fun and/or history. Then may the angels weep for you ... because history is AWESOME! ... Remember, I grew up devouring the Little House on the Prairie books and Anne of Green Gables. I love me some historical fiction. I also love learning, because I feel that it makes me a more interesting person. When I don't learn something new, I feel BORING. And I don't like that. I want to be DAZZLING and full of SPARKLING bon mots!
• We've been playing a lot of tabletop games. Betrayal at the House on the Hill is a favorite of this household. Forbidden Island is awesome (we need to also get Forbidden Desert). We've played a few versions of Timeline (We traded our copy of American History to Mom and Dad C, since that's the one that Mom C likes best. And she had accidentally ordered the Historical Events (world history) version, which she didn't like as much. So we traded. And we also ordered a new copy of the American History version. Since it's fun. And it helps the kids to learn, too. While having fun). ... Gloom is good. We have a couple versions of Fluxx. I splurged on Pandemic (and my mom actually liked that one, though we've yet to play an episode that we've actually won. lol.) ... Yeah, the family that plays together, stays together.
• We've cleaned the house a lot. Especially the kids' bedroom. Oy and vey, let me tell you. But they're doing a lot better on it. 
• The kids were grounded for just about forever ... tablet/honesty issues ... I keep hoping that we're past that. We'll see.

Okay, that's most of what all I can really remember to blog about. I mean, I did get to help chaperone their class field trip the last week of school ... and that was fun. I had a blast goofing off with some of the other moms. Good times, right?

We've gone to the pool a bit ... which is why I have gotten sunburns (well, that and a picnic lunch we had at a historical flour mill in the area).

Oh ... did I mention that I had cut off SO MUCH of my hair? I was TIRED of, when washing it, it feeling like STRAW and GROSS ... so almost all the colored bits are gone. It was a pixie cut ... it's growing out a lot, almost to a bob now. And I have a few blonde highlights left. I lost the last of the purple (it had faded to a whisper of lavender by the end). And I have nearly all virgin hair for the first time in DECADES. It's kind of weird. That and you can see, if you look closely, my greys at my temples (and in my eyebrows, if I don't pluck those).

But, yeah ... and I'm wearing a lot more leggings/jeggings. Even when you can see my dangly tummy through it. Because, dang it, I'm 35-friggin-years-old. I want to be comfortable.

So, yes, I'm crotchety in my old age. And in need of more naps. ^_^

Anything that I've left out?

Ocean of Emotion

What have you missed since I last blogged?

Not a whole bunch. Me being lazy and reading a lot.
My mom getting the munchkin brigade to CLEAN THEIR ROOM.
Michael and I applied for our passports ... not that we have a trip planned yet or anything.
I cut my hair (it needed it. Now, instead of being between my shoulderblades, it's jaw-length. And, overall, it feels healthier).

Michael and I went to Chef's Night Out in Eugene.
I, of course, FREAKED OUT before heading down ...

• What do I wear?
• It's a stinking CHARITY EVENT (Don't get me wrong, I love philanthropy)!
  There will be men with their TROPHY WIVES there!
  I will bring shame upon Michael!Shame on his company! Shame on his cow!
  (He doesn't have a cow, you say? WELL, THERE'S THE ONE THAT I'M HAVING NOW!!)
• What if I'm overdressed? What if I'm underdressed?
• What if I have to TALK to people and I say something declasse? 
• What if I spill my drink or food?!?
• Do I look like I'm trying to hard?
• ... Oh, hell. Fix the undereye makeup. Add some damn green liquid liner. It'll distract from the waves of fear and desperation you're giving off.

You think I'm kidding ... the plethora of rabidly-begging-for-input texts that I sent Michael and the tear-stains on our coverlet prove otherwise.

By the time I got down there (after wonderful C [who I Visit Teach] came to watch the kidlets came over, Bruise and Bucket arrived home from school, and I kissed everyone good-bye), after some en-route car karaoke, I was better-prepared mentally to deal with ... people.

I should say that I DO like people. Dealt with in small groups, I'm FIIIIINE.
But, well, when I don't know them and I'm not performing as someone else and when I feel fat and I'm on my period and there are angry bees that hate me in my head ... I'm ... vulnerable and more than a little sick-in-the-head.

Just keeping it real for you all.

I mean, usually, I can accept that, yes, there's more of me to love than average. I've got curves that won't quit. I love food ... and don't love to exercise. Or sweat, actually. Give me a book, a BLT, a rainy day, and a cuppa rooibos chai ... I'm a happy camper.

Put me into a social situation that involves dressing up more than in a jersey knit ... with strangers ... who have money (our tickets were given to Michael's company since they worked on an awesome project to combat hunger) ... and, well, I go into crisis-social-mode, obvs.

Good times, good times.
Once we GOT there ... and the pre-event schmoozing was over (so I didn't have to pretend like I knew what I was doing there), I could be proactive and go on the hunt for sampling bazillions of yummy things (I'm not that into chicken livers or pork pate. Good to know. But, DANG SON, I found some Ginger Lemonade that I can buy over at Market of Choice ... now I have TWO go-to drinks there [The other is the Rose Lemonade that you can pry from my COLD. DEAD. HANDS. ... though I also like the Dry Sodas -- esp. Lavender, Rhubarb, and Blood Orange.]).

Michael and I practically ate ourselves sick ... but there were SO many things to try ... and we hadn't even tried them all. And we didn't have seconds of anything!
(The Wild Duck cafe's Beer-Cheese soup? Yum. And there was a cantaloupe salsa with avocado. And a roasted-carrot chicken curry. And a rosewater panna cotta. And a sweet potato cobbler with lavender-caramel sauce ... and more ... and it was all really good).

See ... social events = STRESSFUL.
Food events = GOOD.
So, once it changed to a FOOD EVENT, I was good. No more stressful than getting lunch at the county fair, right?
(OH gosh, I sound like some antisocial bumpkin ... probably because I am rather a somewhat-antisocial bumpkin.)


Also, my Nana has been moved into an assisted-care home. With her dementia, it had to happen.
But, still ... I ...

I'm supposed to write her a letter every couple of weeks ... because I know that I want to keep in touch with her. And she can't hear well enough over the phone. And she doesn't have a computer, let alone know how to email or anything.  ... But ... it's tough. I don't always say how I feel. Because I don't want to be all "Hey, Nana. Your dementia makes me mad. I love you. But dementia sucks. And I know that it has to be worse for you. But it's sad. And it makes me feel like I've lost you and am mourning you before you have died. Because it's like part of your IS dying NOW. And I hate that. And it makes me feel selfish that I'm griping about the fact that I still HAVE you and I CAN visit you ... and it's not the same. ... Even if I could visit, which I try to when we can ... there's a part of me that wants to break down and cry about your state of being you-but-not and I just want to go back about 18 years to when I could walk with my dad down to your house and you'd feed Sarah, David, and me strawberries-fresh-from-the-garden with a splash of cream and a heaping spoonful of sugar. And Sarah and I would dress up in your costume jewelry and nightgowns and feel so grown up and we'd go and "help" Pop-pop mow Mrs. Weatherbee's field and tramp about in the garden and everything. I miss the smell of the attic at your old house back home. I miss riding in the backseat of your peach-colored Chrysler. I buy Freedent gum to keep in my purse because that's what you always had. And coffee candy. Even though it makes me feel like the most rebellious Mormon girl. Because these things remind me of being a little girl at your house during summer afternoons. And I was so very content then, without grown-up responsibilities ... and I really miss that. I really miss you. And I HATE that dementia has taken you away from us ... from me ... before death has. Because it makes me mad. And it makes me sad. And it makes me feel powerless and vulnerable and ineffective. Because I have NO IDEA how to fix this or what to do... I mean, I GET that I need to rely on the Lord and all. But it's not the easiest thing to do all the time. And I'll be walking in a store or in the library and I'll be hit by this WAVE of GRIEF, hard enough that I find myself breathless, reeling in its wake ... and I ... I ... I just don't know what to do.  And I don't like that. And I don't know if it will be any easier when you're fully gone or if I'll just feel more guilty for not knowing how to appreciate you more while you are here. I love our visits, even if you are more and more childlike each time I see you ... I'll admit, though, that after I get into the car to go, I mostly just want to curl up into a ball in a corner somewhere or lose myself in a story ... because I don't know how to handle losing you more and more. And that makes me feel selfish. And guilty. ... But I'm glad that you ARE around. That Bruise, Bucket, and Bubbles get this chance to know you here, as their great-grandmother. That they are able to witness your love for and fondness of them. That they're able to catch some time with you. I barely knew any of my great-grandparents ... so I know how lucky they are. I think I'm mostly just mad that, even though I've got my heels dug and and am shrieking for you not to go, that the dementia keeps dragging you away, piece by piece, until I'm grasping at the grains of sand running through my fingers as those grief-waves wash over me, leaving me soaked and chilled and frustrated-to-tears by my ineffectiveness. But I love you. And I want you to know that one fact. If you know nothing else, I just want you to remember, to KNOW, that we love you."

...

I mean, I could write that to her. It'd be honest. And one reason I don't like the letters/cards that I send to her is because they seem disingenuous ... all prattling on about how we love her (true) and what the kids are doing (true) and that we're fine (true) and we miss her (all too true) ... but that elephant is in the room and I am averting my eyes from its presence. And that feels dishonest. But it doesn't feel proper/kind/whatever to bring it up -- "I hate dementia. Dementia sucks. Dementia is ... I don't know what it is, but I don't like it." ... even if I did say those (true) things ... it might upset Nana more than it'd change anything else. So ... well, I don't see the point of doing it. 

I don't really know of anything else I ... strike that. I can report that Michael and I have now been married 15 years and ... some-odd days. I'm refusing to math right now.
And we went to the coast and ate good food and bought clothes.
I now have a rainjacket that fits me. And has a hood.
Michael got some new slacks, shirts, and ties.
We ate Monte Cristos at Gracie's Sea Hag ... and they were worth the wait and the effort!
We also went to Ripley's Believe it or Not ... just like on our honeymoon (but it was MUCH better weather this time).

And, I had signed up to sub for a Relief Society Lesson.
I figured that, hey, I'm teaching Sunday School ... why not just add on another lesson, right?
Originally, it was for March 6 - Joseph Smith.
Then it was bumped to March 13 - The Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ. Okay.
THEN it was rescheduled to be the Teaching for Our Times Lesson - "Strengthened Through His Atonement" by Dallin H. Oaks.
And, did I mention that it was Easter Sunday? The Sunday that our Ward choir was performing in Sacrament meeting?
Yeah, no biggie, right?

Well, I crammed. A LOT. I'd been studying multiple talks by apostles and people (all the ones that Elder Oaks referred to in his talk. And a few more. Because WHY NOT?) ... including an excerpt from Lighten Up by Chieko Okazaki.

Well, I referred to the outline I wrote. The classroom clock wasn't working. My phone (with its clock) was in my purse. Along with the tissues that I really needed.
But the sisters all participated in the discussion.
People said that it was good.
I survived.
And I'm glad that it's over.
But it felt like it went well.

And I was VERY tired that evening.

And THAT's really, as far as I can tell, all I really have to report. 

Now, I should write that letter to my Nana.

My Dreams ... as I've just bleared awake

I remember having two dreams.

In one, we needed to stay somewhere ... and I found a recommendation for a hotel from extended family.

And, well, it was a VERY nice hotel. Like there was a full kitchen (with red enameled appliances -- like the fridge and a european-styled gas range, etc, etc.) and lovely carpeting.

And we needed to go on a trip. But we also had some other family there, who needed the cars so THEY could get around.
We would have all been able to fit them into the cars, except they had brought two friends, so with children and carseats, there wasn't room. So we were going to rent a motorcycle. And I said that there were three of us in the family, then amended that to four, since we needed to rent a child-sized helmet for Bubbles for the motorcycle (which had little partitions built into the seat, rather like in some rollercoasters).

And there was a dog that was sitting on some supplies behind the desk...

No, there was a third dream that came in the middle.

I was a spy? or something. But I was sneaking about, trying to look totally harmless and NOT suspicious. And I was a lot younger and thinner. And I was attempting to do my job with food poisoning, so I'm trying to evade the Secret Service while SEARCHING for the bathrooms ... which were lovely bathrooms, by the by.

And I was then trying to creep through a farm-animal building, like at the county fairs, and (accurately) blame the murder on the donkey (by donning multiple disguises and testifying to the police at each opportunity that, no, the donkey did it.
(At one point, I dressed up as a little boy, like Gary Coleman. I was very convincing. They suspected nothing.)

Then I dreamed that I woke up to my Bret-bro (one of my friends from high school. We adopted each other.) calling me. And I'm trying to blear awake enough to be coherent on the phone. And then, dressed all in black, Michael is back from work, since his back is hurting so badly ... and I'm trying to do acupressure on his back while still blearing awake and chatting with Bret. (I wasn't doing a very good job).

I was a little surprised to find myself waking up.
But rather glad that we don't have to pay the bill for the very nice hotel. I don't think we could have afforded it.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a glimpse into my subconscious.

My kids are often cute. This is one of those times.

So, one of Bruise and Bucket's Primary leaders told me about their actions in Primary today.

Bruise was asked "Who is your favorite prophet?"

Bruise: "That's really hard to decide. I have two of them."

"Well, can you tell us which ones those are?"

Bruise: "Thomas S. Monson and Captain Moroni."

"Why are they your favorites?"

Bruise: "I really like President Monson's stories."


Later, Bucket was chosen to pop a balloon.

Class: "STOMP ON IT! SIT ON IT!!"

Zoë: (to leader) " ... Can I just have a pin?"

Yeah, my kids are funny ... for the most part. And cute.