Ocean of Emotion

What have you missed since I last blogged?

Not a whole bunch. Me being lazy and reading a lot.
My mom getting the munchkin brigade to CLEAN THEIR ROOM.
Michael and I applied for our passports ... not that we have a trip planned yet or anything.
I cut my hair (it needed it. Now, instead of being between my shoulderblades, it's jaw-length. And, overall, it feels healthier).

Michael and I went to Chef's Night Out in Eugene.
I, of course, FREAKED OUT before heading down ...

• What do I wear?
• It's a stinking CHARITY EVENT (Don't get me wrong, I love philanthropy)!
  There will be men with their TROPHY WIVES there!
  I will bring shame upon Michael!Shame on his company! Shame on his cow!
  (He doesn't have a cow, you say? WELL, THERE'S THE ONE THAT I'M HAVING NOW!!)
• What if I'm overdressed? What if I'm underdressed?
• What if I have to TALK to people and I say something declasse? 
• What if I spill my drink or food?!?
• Do I look like I'm trying to hard?
• ... Oh, hell. Fix the undereye makeup. Add some damn green liquid liner. It'll distract from the waves of fear and desperation you're giving off.

You think I'm kidding ... the plethora of rabidly-begging-for-input texts that I sent Michael and the tear-stains on our coverlet prove otherwise.

By the time I got down there (after wonderful C [who I Visit Teach] came to watch the kidlets came over, Bruise and Bucket arrived home from school, and I kissed everyone good-bye), after some en-route car karaoke, I was better-prepared mentally to deal with ... people.

I should say that I DO like people. Dealt with in small groups, I'm FIIIIINE.
But, well, when I don't know them and I'm not performing as someone else and when I feel fat and I'm on my period and there are angry bees that hate me in my head ... I'm ... vulnerable and more than a little sick-in-the-head.

Just keeping it real for you all.

I mean, usually, I can accept that, yes, there's more of me to love than average. I've got curves that won't quit. I love food ... and don't love to exercise. Or sweat, actually. Give me a book, a BLT, a rainy day, and a cuppa rooibos chai ... I'm a happy camper.

Put me into a social situation that involves dressing up more than in a jersey knit ... with strangers ... who have money (our tickets were given to Michael's company since they worked on an awesome project to combat hunger) ... and, well, I go into crisis-social-mode, obvs.

Good times, good times.
Once we GOT there ... and the pre-event schmoozing was over (so I didn't have to pretend like I knew what I was doing there), I could be proactive and go on the hunt for sampling bazillions of yummy things (I'm not that into chicken livers or pork pate. Good to know. But, DANG SON, I found some Ginger Lemonade that I can buy over at Market of Choice ... now I have TWO go-to drinks there [The other is the Rose Lemonade that you can pry from my COLD. DEAD. HANDS. ... though I also like the Dry Sodas -- esp. Lavender, Rhubarb, and Blood Orange.]).

Michael and I practically ate ourselves sick ... but there were SO many things to try ... and we hadn't even tried them all. And we didn't have seconds of anything!
(The Wild Duck cafe's Beer-Cheese soup? Yum. And there was a cantaloupe salsa with avocado. And a roasted-carrot chicken curry. And a rosewater panna cotta. And a sweet potato cobbler with lavender-caramel sauce ... and more ... and it was all really good).

See ... social events = STRESSFUL.
Food events = GOOD.
So, once it changed to a FOOD EVENT, I was good. No more stressful than getting lunch at the county fair, right?
(OH gosh, I sound like some antisocial bumpkin ... probably because I am rather a somewhat-antisocial bumpkin.)


Also, my Nana has been moved into an assisted-care home. With her dementia, it had to happen.
But, still ... I ...

I'm supposed to write her a letter every couple of weeks ... because I know that I want to keep in touch with her. And she can't hear well enough over the phone. And she doesn't have a computer, let alone know how to email or anything.  ... But ... it's tough. I don't always say how I feel. Because I don't want to be all "Hey, Nana. Your dementia makes me mad. I love you. But dementia sucks. And I know that it has to be worse for you. But it's sad. And it makes me feel like I've lost you and am mourning you before you have died. Because it's like part of your IS dying NOW. And I hate that. And it makes me feel selfish that I'm griping about the fact that I still HAVE you and I CAN visit you ... and it's not the same. ... Even if I could visit, which I try to when we can ... there's a part of me that wants to break down and cry about your state of being you-but-not and I just want to go back about 18 years to when I could walk with my dad down to your house and you'd feed Sarah, David, and me strawberries-fresh-from-the-garden with a splash of cream and a heaping spoonful of sugar. And Sarah and I would dress up in your costume jewelry and nightgowns and feel so grown up and we'd go and "help" Pop-pop mow Mrs. Weatherbee's field and tramp about in the garden and everything. I miss the smell of the attic at your old house back home. I miss riding in the backseat of your peach-colored Chrysler. I buy Freedent gum to keep in my purse because that's what you always had. And coffee candy. Even though it makes me feel like the most rebellious Mormon girl. Because these things remind me of being a little girl at your house during summer afternoons. And I was so very content then, without grown-up responsibilities ... and I really miss that. I really miss you. And I HATE that dementia has taken you away from us ... from me ... before death has. Because it makes me mad. And it makes me sad. And it makes me feel powerless and vulnerable and ineffective. Because I have NO IDEA how to fix this or what to do... I mean, I GET that I need to rely on the Lord and all. But it's not the easiest thing to do all the time. And I'll be walking in a store or in the library and I'll be hit by this WAVE of GRIEF, hard enough that I find myself breathless, reeling in its wake ... and I ... I ... I just don't know what to do.  And I don't like that. And I don't know if it will be any easier when you're fully gone or if I'll just feel more guilty for not knowing how to appreciate you more while you are here. I love our visits, even if you are more and more childlike each time I see you ... I'll admit, though, that after I get into the car to go, I mostly just want to curl up into a ball in a corner somewhere or lose myself in a story ... because I don't know how to handle losing you more and more. And that makes me feel selfish. And guilty. ... But I'm glad that you ARE around. That Bruise, Bucket, and Bubbles get this chance to know you here, as their great-grandmother. That they are able to witness your love for and fondness of them. That they're able to catch some time with you. I barely knew any of my great-grandparents ... so I know how lucky they are. I think I'm mostly just mad that, even though I've got my heels dug and and am shrieking for you not to go, that the dementia keeps dragging you away, piece by piece, until I'm grasping at the grains of sand running through my fingers as those grief-waves wash over me, leaving me soaked and chilled and frustrated-to-tears by my ineffectiveness. But I love you. And I want you to know that one fact. If you know nothing else, I just want you to remember, to KNOW, that we love you."

...

I mean, I could write that to her. It'd be honest. And one reason I don't like the letters/cards that I send to her is because they seem disingenuous ... all prattling on about how we love her (true) and what the kids are doing (true) and that we're fine (true) and we miss her (all too true) ... but that elephant is in the room and I am averting my eyes from its presence. And that feels dishonest. But it doesn't feel proper/kind/whatever to bring it up -- "I hate dementia. Dementia sucks. Dementia is ... I don't know what it is, but I don't like it." ... even if I did say those (true) things ... it might upset Nana more than it'd change anything else. So ... well, I don't see the point of doing it. 

I don't really know of anything else I ... strike that. I can report that Michael and I have now been married 15 years and ... some-odd days. I'm refusing to math right now.
And we went to the coast and ate good food and bought clothes.
I now have a rainjacket that fits me. And has a hood.
Michael got some new slacks, shirts, and ties.
We ate Monte Cristos at Gracie's Sea Hag ... and they were worth the wait and the effort!
We also went to Ripley's Believe it or Not ... just like on our honeymoon (but it was MUCH better weather this time).

And, I had signed up to sub for a Relief Society Lesson.
I figured that, hey, I'm teaching Sunday School ... why not just add on another lesson, right?
Originally, it was for March 6 - Joseph Smith.
Then it was bumped to March 13 - The Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ. Okay.
THEN it was rescheduled to be the Teaching for Our Times Lesson - "Strengthened Through His Atonement" by Dallin H. Oaks.
And, did I mention that it was Easter Sunday? The Sunday that our Ward choir was performing in Sacrament meeting?
Yeah, no biggie, right?

Well, I crammed. A LOT. I'd been studying multiple talks by apostles and people (all the ones that Elder Oaks referred to in his talk. And a few more. Because WHY NOT?) ... including an excerpt from Lighten Up by Chieko Okazaki.

Well, I referred to the outline I wrote. The classroom clock wasn't working. My phone (with its clock) was in my purse. Along with the tissues that I really needed.
But the sisters all participated in the discussion.
People said that it was good.
I survived.
And I'm glad that it's over.
But it felt like it went well.

And I was VERY tired that evening.

And THAT's really, as far as I can tell, all I really have to report. 

Now, I should write that letter to my Nana.

My Dreams ... as I've just bleared awake

I remember having two dreams.

In one, we needed to stay somewhere ... and I found a recommendation for a hotel from extended family.

And, well, it was a VERY nice hotel. Like there was a full kitchen (with red enameled appliances -- like the fridge and a european-styled gas range, etc, etc.) and lovely carpeting.

And we needed to go on a trip. But we also had some other family there, who needed the cars so THEY could get around.
We would have all been able to fit them into the cars, except they had brought two friends, so with children and carseats, there wasn't room. So we were going to rent a motorcycle. And I said that there were three of us in the family, then amended that to four, since we needed to rent a child-sized helmet for Bubbles for the motorcycle (which had little partitions built into the seat, rather like in some rollercoasters).

And there was a dog that was sitting on some supplies behind the desk...

No, there was a third dream that came in the middle.

I was a spy? or something. But I was sneaking about, trying to look totally harmless and NOT suspicious. And I was a lot younger and thinner. And I was attempting to do my job with food poisoning, so I'm trying to evade the Secret Service while SEARCHING for the bathrooms ... which were lovely bathrooms, by the by.

And I was then trying to creep through a farm-animal building, like at the county fairs, and (accurately) blame the murder on the donkey (by donning multiple disguises and testifying to the police at each opportunity that, no, the donkey did it.
(At one point, I dressed up as a little boy, like Gary Coleman. I was very convincing. They suspected nothing.)

Then I dreamed that I woke up to my Bret-bro (one of my friends from high school. We adopted each other.) calling me. And I'm trying to blear awake enough to be coherent on the phone. And then, dressed all in black, Michael is back from work, since his back is hurting so badly ... and I'm trying to do acupressure on his back while still blearing awake and chatting with Bret. (I wasn't doing a very good job).

I was a little surprised to find myself waking up.
But rather glad that we don't have to pay the bill for the very nice hotel. I don't think we could have afforded it.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a glimpse into my subconscious.

My kids are often cute. This is one of those times.

So, one of Bruise and Bucket's Primary leaders told me about their actions in Primary today.

Bruise was asked "Who is your favorite prophet?"

Bruise: "That's really hard to decide. I have two of them."

"Well, can you tell us which ones those are?"

Bruise: "Thomas S. Monson and Captain Moroni."

"Why are they your favorites?"

Bruise: "I really like President Monson's stories."


Later, Bucket was chosen to pop a balloon.

Class: "STOMP ON IT! SIT ON IT!!"

Zoë: (to leader) " ... Can I just have a pin?"

Yeah, my kids are funny ... for the most part. And cute.

Titles are for ... well ... people who can think them up (i.e., not me)

Okay ... Bubbles is now four. We're working on doing some pre-school stuff with her.

She actually seems pretty strong at math for a girl who counts "eleven, twelve, firrteen, sixteen, nineteen, twenty."
(Really, she's got a grip on addition and subtraction that I was surprised by. ... Note to self: Just because one is less-than-totally-confident with math, that does not by any means extend to one's offspring.)

The internet is still mostly working.
So the Bluray player had issues (the tray wouldn't open. Or, when manually pried open [GENTLY], recognize that it WAS open.
So we had to buy a new one.
Which, after we get a new Bluray/receiver for the front room and a new TV for the bedroom, will move to the bedroom. Yay for Netflix for Mommy folding laundry while the kids play in the front room!
Or Netflix for the kids in the bedroom while Mommy watches movies with friends in the front room!

But that's a ways into the future.

And now, as of this morning, the deadbolt on the front door isn't working. Won't retract. So that door is stuck locked.
Good thing the back door works!
(Makes me rather wish that our house was like my mom's ... with two main doors and an escape possible with another door in the laundry room!)

Okay. Enough for now.

The last month (well, nearly, since February DOES have fewer days so it's not been a FULL month ... mostly)

For about the last month, we had been having internet issues.

Mostly with the wifi, which I love to pronounce as "wiffy" because, well, why not?
It's one of my charming peculiarities. Like how I refer to "The Google."

BUT!! HUZZAH!
The internet is FIXED.
It took three tech visits, hours on the phone, and a lot of frustration ... but we can stream Netflix again without any issues. Phew!

(Turns out that either Steam, that gaming program thing, eats up a lot of the connection OR those suspicious files that have gone into quarantine were messing with things OR a mix of both.)

Either way, our Phone/Internet tech guy and Michael and I were able to FIX THIS PUPPY and I can feel relieved.

I also, during this month, learned how to use the printer to print on POST-ITS, y'all. This is kind of amazeballs.

Last weekend, Michael got fed up enough by the state of the house and how no one was cleaning up and had me take the kids out of the house, he was that frustrated.
So, instead of treating them to (1) the Dr. Seuss activity at the mall or (2) free movie at the YMCA later, we drove around. Then we parked at a park (no playset) and we talked. And talked. And TALKED some more.
I did most of the talking.

• Why participating in housework is important. 
• How it influences how we feel
• How it influences if the Holy Ghost can be here in our home
• What benefits it has (e.g., we can do fun things instead of having to stay home and clean the house, Mommy and Daddy are happier, you can find things more easily, ...)

After about an hour, maybe (I don't remember. We just REALLY had to pee by that point), we came home and worked some more on the house.

The living room/family room/dining room looked really nice. It hasn't, alas, stayed nearly that nice. But it's still WAY better than how it was last Saturday morning.

Bruise had his last Cub Scout Blue and Gold banquet to which he needed to bring a cake for the auction. We did two dozen brownie-batter chocolate-chip cupcakes with chocolate-fudge frosting, star sprinkles, and marshmallow fondant toppers.
They looked pretty amazing ... we ended up buying them back ourselves so that Bruise could earn over $100 for Cub Scout Day Camp.
They were tasty, for sure.

We went, almost last-minute, to WizardCon in Portland. We saw, from a distance, William Shatner, John Barrowman, Jewel Staite, and a few other actors.
The kids were more interested in buying souvenirs.
Bruise bought the 10th Doctor's Sonic Screwdriver. Bucket got a blue stuffed Dalek that clips to her bag. When you squeeze it, it talks. Bubbles got a stuffed Pikachu toy.
Besides the free swag (AWESOME Dark Horse Comics reusable tote), I invested in some new nail polish (I was hoping that Dark Horse would have a stall again ... and I could buy the graphic novel of Dollhouse, maybe.) from Lucky13 Lacquer.
I bought "Ride Eternal Shiny and Chrome," "Dance Magic Dance." and "Always." And then, afterwards, I looked them up online ... and ended up buying MORE colors. Which arrived today.
I bought one of the destash colors (Sinful Colors brand ... they referred to it as "Tardis Blue") for $0.50. I paid full-price for "Valkyrie." And I picked up two of their clearance colors: "A Little More Sonic" and "I Will Burn the Heart Out of You."

And, yes, there are still some other colors that I'm longing for: "Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey," "Life Is Short and You Are Hot," "Soooo Changeable," "Come at Once If Convenient," "If Inconvenient, Come All the Same."

Yes, I am a nail polish addict. And, right now I'm rocking some cute (chipping) nails.
If you're curious, I have Dance Magic Dance or Always over Orly "Liquid Vinyl," so they look either DARK teal or red-purple. It's pretty fun. And, since (1) my nails are chipping AND (2) my new polishes arrived, I think I'll be painting my nails again soon.

Okay. The big kids are getting home soon. Not like I've really done anything except blog about polishes and ordered a birthday cake for Miss Bubbles. And we did storytime, where I got to help another mom with the Origami project we were doing. And playing some Alpaca World and Neko Atsume. Yes, my life is very full.

And laundry! I'm working on laundry! And dishes! And I should vacuum! And read books!

... and play with my pretty, pretty polishes.

On the eve of your fourth birthday ...

Miss Bubbles,

You are getting to be so big! "Big and STRONG!" as you proudly pronounce as you reach as high as you can.

You can be such a wonderful helper. You're full of curiosity and sporting a strong drive for independence.

You're learning manners. You tend to play shy around most adults. You are outgoing with other children ... though, sometimes, you do tend to try to lead them more than they might like.

Your hair has stayed curly. Your eyes have stayed blue. You are working at quitting sucking your thumb. You barely have any accidents. You want to read the scriptures yourself.

You are making up your own jokes.
My favorite so far: "I want to give a goldfish to someone! To DEADPOOL!"

(I, too, am very sad that the Deadpool movie is VERY deserving of the R-rating. I wanted to see it, too. And it would have been tons funnier if he'd been just as censored [black bars, bleeps, and all] as in the comics ... Not that I totally know HOW you know who Deadpool is ... but, still).

You come and snuggle me.
You like to help me cook. Especially if we're making cookies or cakes.
You help Bruise and Bucket with emptying the dishwasher ... though we need to work on putting the silverware away in the correct places and not just flinging it all in there and jetting away.
Though, to be honest, I admire the passion you display.

You love animals.
You practice empathy ... mostly. (But I'll cut you some slack. Until tomorrow, you're still three.)
You love to sing and dance.
You love to jump, jump, jump.
You've learned to love video games already,

Your favorite colors are pink and purple.
You love bunnies best, but are expanding your adoration to hippos, cheetahs, and other animals.
You adore bathtime. You'd take multiple baths a day if I'd let you.

You're still daintily-sized ... I find it easy to carry you as we go about places, as needed. Depending on what else I'm lugging along. But, for the most part, I can carry you from the parking lot into the store, especially if the weather's bad.

You're learning so many words and how to use them well.
Sometimes you impress me with your growing vocabulary.
(I'm just glad that you don't shock me with it.)

Happy day-before-your birthday, my little smushy-face munchkin-girl.
I love you.

A slice and some crazy dreams

So, yeah, it's been another week since I last regaled you with my WILDLY EXCITING life.

Sorry if the dripping sarcasm got onto your keyboard (Did I mention that I recently had to be a new keyboard? My "h" key stopped working. It was really weird. And frustrating. There's only so much that autocorrect can do, really ...)

Bruise and Bucket had their Fall Strings rehearsal and concert ... which meant that Bruise missed TWO Cub Scout meetings, poor guy (Bucket managed not to miss ANY, since her group of Activity girls meets towards that middle of the month, instead of the last and first weeks of any given month).

I've had the bigger kids helping a bit more around the house. They're washing clothes and getting them through the dryer. I need to get them to continue to clean their frakking room. And to LOAD the dishwasher, too. But, hey, anything is a bit of improvement, right?

I'm enjoying the electric kettle that my stepmom-but-not-by-law (my dad's long-term girlfriend ... but they've been together for over a decade ... so SHOULD I just call her my stepmom? I don't know) sent up to me after I mentioned that I'd been wanting one for a while (I'll admit that it makes tea-making much easier (tisanes, really, since they're not black/green/white tea. It's rooibos or herbal teas, aka tisanes ... but you already look bored, so I'll shut up about that).

Last night, after the concert, Michael and I sat down to watch an episode or two of The Vicar of Dibley (Dawn French is hilarious, by the by), and I did one of those little Pinterest-y crafts of wrapping my phone's charging cord with embroidery silks. It turned out pretty cute. And I'll be able to tell it from my tablet's micro-USB cord at a glance now. (Though I'll wrap THAT one later, with different colors and with a different stitch (the knotted method, where the knots end up spiraling around the cord), so I can tell the difference even in the dark! Check out my master plan! I know you're totally impressed and amazed. Go ahead and nominate me for a Nobel prize. Just rememd me that you've done it so that I can be sure to thank you in my acceptance speech. ;P

I also bought some of that pretty elastic cord from Wal-Mart ... used some to make a few hair ties (all you have to do it cut a piece big enough, then tie a knot in it. It's the perfect craft for anyone (1) with opposable thumbs (2) who knows anyone with long enough hair that might warrant tying up said hair).

I go back and forth in being absolutely gung-ho on being prepared for teaching my Sunday School class and reading in advance for Gospel Doctrine (even though I can't attend, since I'm teaching my own Sunday School class) and Relief Society (which, naturally, involved buying new highlighters and some awesome washi tape for the cute handouts ... when I'm not gluing them into my scriptures, that is) ... and NOT. I mean, I'm still working to actually prepare ... but it's a more almost-by-the-seat-of-my-pants way.

I've been reading the holds that have come in on my Overdrive (library) e-book app. I've been reading some library books. I'm trying to get our house NOT to smell like the catbox (There was an AWESOME deal on TidyCat litter on Amazon. I'm actually rather glad now that I only ordered the one 27-pound bin of it. It's not as great with the odor as either Arm and Hammer or the Walmart brand (what is it? Something twee ... "Special Kitty," I think? Whatever the name is, it's not too dearly-priced and WORKS).

My stepmom (or whatever) called yesterday, since she couldn't get into her email ... to see if I knew her password for that account.
(Yes. She had told me a mnemonic ... which is stuck in my head ... so I was the golden child who EARNED that electric kettle. ^_^  ... Especially since I woke up from a doze to answer the phone. Go me.)

Monday, (yes, I know, I'm totes jumping around this last week. Wibbley-wobbley, timey-wimey ...) the kids and I ended up doing a little Valentine craft.
Word to the not-so-wise (like moi): If you have a hole-punch, USE IT. If you choose not to, you could end up giving a finger a bit of a slice if your scissors slip.

Also, it's nice when your older daughter is quite decent around blood. She helped me to get a band-aid on it. And, when I bled through THAT, to rewrap the cut ... and, once the bleeding stopped, to put new band-aids on it. She could be a nurse. She was quite calm and competent (even if she didn't know where everything was. Not her fault).

I have had a bunch of weird dreams.

Monday, I woke up shortly after Michael left for work (or else I'd have snuggled with him a bit) after having a zombie-infested dream. I was (much smaller/skinnier) and had to first wrestle a VERY overweight female zombie (with a HUGE goiter) and throw her out of a window of the abandoned-ish house I was taking shelter in.
Then, I was with a few other people. I was hoping that, since I was wearing some purple latex gloves, that the goiter-zombie's bite on my hand wouldn't do anything.
There was a little kid who got bitten by a virus-frog ... a little red frog (like a poison-dart frog) with yellow hindquarters, but with teeth and would spread the zombie-virus. So I had to chase that little son-of-a-bee-sting (the frog, not the possibly-infected child) about and stomp it before it could infect the rest of everyone. And the little kid ran over to the carpet that the frog got smashed on and started to play in the little blood puddle.
And the little kid, later was lying on her/his back ... and this kid is maybe two-ish?
And the kid start spouting out, "You know, the eggs that you cooked at 8 am were fine. But the ones that you cooked at 10:30 were ****."
And I was like, "One, you're too young to be talking so well. And, TWO, you're too young to know such language. That's wildly inappropriate."
And then I woke up.

Last night, I had a few dreams. The one that woke me up had me driving with Michael. And I couldn't stop the van soon enough -- because the brakes weren't responsive enough, and I ended up running through a red light into the left-turn lane and driving through THAT red light (to go straight) ... and a motorcycle cop pulled me over and informed me that he was taking me to JAIL. And I was freaking out. "I can't stay overnight in JAIL! If I'm in JAIL, I CAN'T DONATE BLOOD!"
And, yeah, there was the stuff about not being able to volunteer in the kids' schools and stuff ... but I REALLY was worried about not being able to donate blood.
Enough so that, as Michael was kissing me goodbye, I had to ask if it was normal procedure to be arrested for a traffic mishaps ("Not unless there are outstanding warrants, no." ... SO, since I paid that ridiculously-expensive ticket back in 2014, I should be fine.)

I also had a dream about the no-longer-friend. Someone had brought up her Instagram page (which had this bright background and was more like a picture-blog or MySpace than Instagram, but bear with me), and she had a picture posted that involved me, described as a sister-friend, and linked to an audio clip of me, Michael, and his brother, C, as we made pirate jokes and I launched off into a rather-clever (It's my dream. I can be clever if I want to!) monologue rife with pirate puns.

At first I was a little sad, since if she liked me and what I do/say so much, why aren't we friends anymore? ... Then I was a little creeped out because, in my dream, when that conversation took place, she wasn't anywhere near to record that. So, either someone recorded it and sent her a copy or stranger things are afoot.

Dreams are weird.
Especially my dreams.
Either I don't really have "normal" dreams ... or I just don't remember them well.
I mean, I do recall that I've had the naked-at-school dream (like ONCE) and the flying dream (again, like, ONCE) ... but then I have the fighting-an-invisible-ninja-lord-(and-having-my-butt-handed-to-me) dream. Or getting in trouble and being most upset because I won't be eligible to donate blood to the Red Cross anymore. Or I'm shopping and I find something AMAZING ... then I'm all disappointed when I wake up because that was an awesome thing and I DO NOT have it in real life kind of dreams.

But, yeah.

Missing ... the point

So, I had a thought strike me (not literally. That'd be painful.) that I should ask a mutual friend about my someone-that-I-used-to-be-besties situation.

Yeah, it's nice when you follow inspiration.

Not only was she patient with the near-novella I sent her, but she also responded IMMEDIATELY.

She confirms with Mom and Michael that this other friend has changed a lot. And she's also sad about it, too.

But she assured me that it's 100% not my fault (which means that I HAVE to stop moping about what I might have done/not done ... since it's not me) and that our past-friend is nuts for not keeping me around.

Which, again, was what I needed to know.

And I saw this tweet from a different Facebook friend

And, you know ... I think I'm going to be all right after all.

Even though I hate missing people.
It's one of the reasons I so don't deal well with people/pets dying. Because I'm going to miss them. And that's hard.

But, like Mom and Michael have pointed out, maybe past-friend is doing me a favor.

I still hope that she is doing okay, that she finds happiness, that everything works out for her.
But, yeah, it's going to have to work out without me. And that's okay. Or it will be, anyways. Which isn't always the same thing ... but it'll do.

I mean, except for a handful of friends from mostly pre-email days, I've kept in contact with most of my friends.

(In case you're wondering, here's a list of the friends I still need to track down:

• Sabrina from my first-grade class. Her family moved after she got chicken pox REALLY bad. It was in her lungs and we weren't sure she'd get well. She has red hair and wore glasses. I named a red-haired doll of mine after her.
• Katrina and Shaneeka - These were my two best friends in fifth-grade. We were in Ms. Sommers' class at Thorndyke Elementary in Seattle. They were really, really fun. I haven't been able to track them down. And I was a horrible letter-writer. So it's my fault.
• Amy Brown - from WOU. We were in the Ed Program together. And her email stopped working after we graduated. She always was so very, very nice. She called me her Phoebe-friend, since I reminded her of Lisa Kudrow's character on friends. She also gave me a teeny book with useful French phrases.

(But, see? I do my best to keep track of most people that I know. Some people collect china figurines ... I do my best to stalk everyone on Facebook.)

But, yes, following inspiration is a good thing. Glad I followed it.

Only a week? Aren't you the lucky one!

Yeah, yeah, I suck at updating.

Okay, in no particular order, here's stuff from my life:

• Michael built a new bookshelf in the living room. It's already full of books.
  I need to paint it. And the other bookshelf that he built last summer. (Was it in summer? I have no idea at this point.)
• I've been playing that supercute Neko Atsume (Kitty Collector) game.
  I can be a crazy cat lady without having to worry about attracting animals to live under my house. I like that the cats can give you the gold sardines. OR that you can sell the regular sardines to buy gold sardines. Totally worth it. Good on them.
  And there's a daily password to get some sardines. That's a nice game design.
  And the cats are supercute.
• Bruise and Michael went to the Cub Scout Lock-In last weekend. They stayed up late. Michael didn't sleep well, since I wasn't there. I didn't sleep well, since he wasn't here. Bucket stayed up WAAAAAAAY too late. So, after Bruise and Michael came home, Michael and I slept for a couple hours, got up, took the kids to the Taiko performance (Japanese drumming. Pretty awesome), went to Home Depot for light bulbs (we have SUCH the wild life. You jelly?), went home. He worked on his lesson for EQ (If you ask the lesson. there's apparently a chance that you'll end up teaching). I was going to work on my Sunday School lesson write-up-bit, but I fell asleep and napped HARD. Then we went to a birthday party.
• Friday was my not-anymore-friend's birthday. I was going to wish her a happy birthday ... but I didn't really know how to do that without seeming like I was forcing myself on her attention.
  So I didn't. And I don't know if it was a good decision or not.
• Church on Sunday. Went home, made lunch, took a nap, went Visiting Teaching (touched bases with all our sisters! Yay! They [hopefully] know that we love them! Yay!), went back home, went to a fireside about helping prepare our Youth for serving missions (apparently pornography is a BIG, BIG problem. And it's not just because the sexual aspect ... it's because the youth doesn't seem to have other ways they've developed to deal with stress.) ... it was a good fireside. I took a lot of notes.
• My kids' strings concert is coming up. Tonight's the rehearsal.
• I go between being GREAT on studying scriptures and preparing lessons ... and then NOT so much. What gives?

I really miss my friend Kim McD ... she's the one who passed a while back.
I was going through my GoogleVoice messages ... I had some texts from her. And that made me miss her a lot.

I also am realizing that I'm scared of being hurt in friendships ... a lot more than I used to be. I mean, I hate feeling like I've fallen out with a friend. But I'm not very social anymore (except online ... and sometimes not as much as before).

I need to deal with this. I don't like feeling sad or like a failure as a friend.
I mean, I know that I tried hard to be there, to be supportive ... and now I almost wish that I hadn't put so much effort into a friendship that WAS fun (and I met some great people through) ... and that's sad.

With the Kim friendship ... I just miss her a lot. And wish that I'd been able to do more for her and her family,
With the other one, ... I just am left wondering what I did wrong, what I didn't do ... I don't know. And I get frustrated by not knowing.
I've been spoiled by the internet. I can look up and research nearly ANYTHING, drop of a hat .... and I have little-to-no way to figure this out.
Not without going around and asking people.

I did ask the now-not-friend. I could see that she'd viewed the messages.
Nothing.

If I ask other people, it feels ... I don't know ... like middle school.
"So-and-so doesn't want to be my friend anymore, what's up with THAT?!? Can you ask her what's up?"

I mean, since she and I have a few dozen friends in common, it is almost tempting (though horribly immature) to post something like "So, [Name] unfriended me, my husband, and my mom [#] months ago. But she's kept almost everyone else. Someone want to help me figure out what I/we did that was so horrendous that she couldn't tell me about it? That she never responded to messages that I sent her? Because I'm find of boggled. I mean, they say that if a friendship survives seven years, it'll last forever? And we were friends for, like NINE FULL YEARS ... so, what gives?"

But, like I said, that would be REALLY passive-aggressive and immature. So I'm not doing that.

I tried. And it didn't work. So ... well, either I've DONE something pretty horrible (since in my FB message to her, I did give her the out of well-maybe-facebook-was-being-wonky and she could have JUMPED on that. "Oh, yeah! How weird! It's all fixed now!" ... but, no. So ... yeah.) or I HAVEN'T done something that was MANDATORY.
And, either way, I really .... just don't know.

And it eats at me. What did I do/not do?
I try to be a good friend ... and, well, apparently, I'm not as good of a friend as I'd like to think I was/am.

In other news, two of my friends are twitterpated with each other. It's cute.
And I rather wish they'd gotten together in high school (even though she and I both crushed on him, but I didn't realize that she'd crushed on him ... if she asked, I'd have willingly given him up).
They're really cute together. And that's a good thing.
Happy looks good on her.

And they both like me, which is nice. They'll both FB message me and tease each other. And it's pretty adorable. He's good for her. And she's good for him.

So, for Bucket, Bubbles, and my Girl's Night In (Bubbles fell asleep during the first movie), we watched Legally Blonde, While You Were Sleeping, and the Wedding Singer. Good times. It's nice that Bucket is willing to watch chick-flicks with me. Next time, I think I'll work towards getting her into costume-dramas (if I ever get Anne of Green Gables/Anne of Avonlea, that'll be a good start. If not, well, maybe Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day?).

My stepdad's dementia is not getting any better. Neither is my Nana's.
At least, though, with Nana ... if you're confused or something is flat out wrong, you can mention it to her and she'll be, "Oh. It's the dementia. Okay."
If you tried that with my stepdad, he's all, "NO. I'm right. I'm telling the truth. You're not remembering it right. I'm telling the truth!"
And ... well, that's not easy to live with. So I really need to look for a good place for Mom. Since there's going to be a time when she needs to be some place without someone trying to gaslight her.
(If we had another bedroom or two, it'd be FINE. Well, fine-ish.)

Okay. Time to head out to storytime. And run some errands.

I wish life came with an instruction manual.
I'll keep things together.
I mean, I have faith that everything WILL work out ... but I just wish that it was easier and that people didn't have to suffer in the meantime.
And that I had no responsibilities for a while, no bills, and a hole to curl up in for a good cry.
Since that's not going to happen, I have books. Books are good.

Wow, I suck at keeping this updated ...

Good thing you still love me, right?

I couldn't sleep last night.
I'm sure it had NOTHING AT ALL to do with the fact that I had two HUGE cups of Dr. Pepper when we went to McDonald's yesterday. (My mom came up, since it was a no-school day.)
Of course, after I finished the ebook I'd checked out on my library app, I checked our bank balance.
And FINALLY Michael's paycheck came through before any overdrafts (way to cut it close, right?) ...

Still, it was pretty frustrating, since he is supposed to get paid on the1st and the 16th ... and this is the NINETEENTH DAY of the month. I thought that direct deposits were, you know, scheduled in advance and all that  ... but, yeah, whatever.

I hate adulting sometimes.
Especially when you don't have tons of liquid assets (that you THOUGHT you'd have) the morning of your twins' birthday party.
(Good thing it was a small, family party ... They'll get together with friends ... sometime. Especially since one of their friends doesn't celebrate birthdays, so she couldn't come to a BIRTHDAY-thing ... but she COULD come to a playdate-thing, I'd hope.)

But, yes, tender mercies of the Lord: =No overdrafts. (phew.) We had cash that covered (and had some leftover) lunch for us, cake and ice cream and drinks (and plates, napkins, and cups). We had enough food in the house to cover meals without scrimping. Our bread wasn't moldy. The milk hadn't gone sour. (And, even if it HAD, Bubbles is still receiving WIC, so that's nice).

I came to a conclusion, which I wasn't thrilled about ...
Michael and I keep thinking about (someday) building our "dream home" and what we want in it.
We go about this VERY DIFFERENT WAYS.
His way = design a floorplan. Ask me if I like it and what I'd prefer to see. I waffle on the whole thing.
My way = Create a Pinterest board. On it exist NO floorplans. Rather, it's filled with ideas for decorating and organizing. Or cool ideas to integrate INTO rooms. Again, not what Michael had in mind when I told him about that board.

SO, as I was thinking (in the shower, since that's where I do my best thinking for the most part nowadays), I realized that a big reason that I haven't planned on designing actual SPACES (besides my crack spatial skillz /sarcasm) is because deep down, I'm scared that we'll never have the money to actually DO it. And that realization ticks me off, since it feels like, in a way, I'm doubting my husband and his ability to provide for us ... which is stupid. And I DON'T LIKE doing stupid things.

Last week, I was crap at studying (let alone READING) my scriptures. I need to do it. I KNOW I need it. I have a class to prepare for, let alone that it's a GOOD thing that we've been COMMANDED to do.
This week has been better so far.
After church, I holed up in our room for a couple hours -- changed the sheets, looked at the lessons to be covered, read through next week's Relief Society lesson, caught up in the BoM365 (read the Book of Mormon in a year) schedule ... It was nice. I felt productive.
Yesterday morning, since I wasn't in any rush to get dressed or whatever, I started looking through the lesson I'll be teaching in RS in a couple months (Originally, it was going to be lesson 5, about Joseph Smith. BUT, due to needing to reschedule things due to a Stake Broadcast added into the calendar, I'm now teaching the lesson about the Atonement and Resurrection. It's a great lesson (not that the JS one wasn't ... but I like this one a lot and am not at all upset that I get to teach it)) and I read a conference talk, since I do need to go through those a few times (I didn't highlight in my November Ensign yet. Later).

I do need to work on saying sincere prayers ... and having formal, little prayers ... as opposed to just little statements of gratitude or what I need. Prayer is more of a conversation with our Heavenly Father, so said our High Council speaker on Sunday. It's not like text messaging (that's what I'm telling myself).

I'm still having dreams, every so often, about that bestie who's dropped out of my life.
I mean, yeah, I still miss her. But ... well, in my dreams, she's always ignoring my presence or trying to actively avoid me. And, usually, I find her and tell her point blank that I still love her, that I miss her, that I hope for the best for her.

They're not the most happy-making of dreams. But, at the same time, I'm not sobbing or irate or whatever else when I wake up. So ... yeah.

I'm enjoying my new class of students (in church, you usually change classes based on your birth year. So, I have all the students who are starting 2016 as 12- or 13-year-olds. I had a lot of students (all but one, actually) during that last quarter of 2015 who had or would turn 14 before January 1st.
I miss my old class, yes ... but I'm having fun getting to know a new bunch (and making sure that I get everyone's names right).
The Sunday before (being the 10th), tradition continued ... in that I had another adult join my class (usually for observation. It's enough to make a girl nervous!). So far, I've had our Ward Sunday School President (who's a friend, so that's not so nerve-wracking), the STAKE PRESIDENT (a little more nerve-wracking, though I know him and I know that he's not scary ... You make a joke about going onstage in your nudie-pants, and realize that the Stake Prez is in the room and HAD to have heard you ... and you apologize ... and he tells you that it's okay ... Yeah, one has to admit to oneself that he's not going to be shocked by anything else you do. So that's out of the way. Yay?), a friend who was visiting your ward for the day (I practically dragged her to class, so I happily brought that upon myself), the bishop, one of the members of the bishopric, ... and now the STAKE SUNAY SCHOOL PRESIDENT (who I didn't know at all).
So that was kind of ... nerve-wracking.
But he said that I did fine.
In fact, my Ward Sunday School Prez reported to me on Sunday that (1) he didn't have anyone lined up to observe my class (That's fine. I told him. Next week. It's tradition!) and (2) that Brother ___ was impressed with my teaching.

So, that's nice. Because Brother ____ sure didn't have to say that. ^_^
I guess it's a good thing that I brought a handout for the class. And that I printed up strips with the scriptures to read on them. And that I tell my students about great resources to help their scripture study. Because if there's one thing I love (besides the gospel, since I do love it bunches. And my family, ditto), it's books. Or knowledge available on the interwebz.

I know there's more to report about. but my hands are tired of typing. I'll do more later.
But sooner than a month from now.

It's too early for attempts at clever titles

A few days ago, I had a crazy/creepy dream.

In it, there was a bookstore (good thing), but the girl who worked there had noticed something odd while she was closing up by herself (it was a BIG, like two-storied at least, with an elevator, building. Seemed rather historical-type of building). She had dropped a pile of her books and ran out, coming to me and some dark-haired guy for help.

We were debating on waiting until it was daytime again to go back, when Bubbles took off and RAN into the building. So, then, OF COURSE we had to go and get her ... might as well get those books while we're in there.

We went up to the floor where the books had been dropped.
For some reason, we ended up sitting at this HUGE, HEAVY wooden table ... and started taking pictures with our phones. As I took a selfie, I noticed that there were a couple statues behind me.
One was a fisherman in a blue hat. The other was some grey female-type statue.

Kind of like this. But in color, without the plaque or wheel.
And, like, ten-trillion times creepier.

As I took a couple more selfies (you know, so that you can guarantee a good shot, you take a handful right after each other), I noticed that the statues were ... getting closer. And the fisherman had this REALLY CREEPY smile on his face, like almost ripping his face in two, it was such a big smile.

I turned around to glance at the statues, since that couldn't be real. Statues don't move. Not that faxt and without help.

And I found myself faced with the statues, which, had indeed moved.

I jumped up, somehow jetting over to the other side of the table (putting the table in between us and the statues), and ... well, I exorcised them in Jesus's name.
And they did stop moving.

And we grabbed up the books, Bubbles, and ourselves and RAN THE HECK OUT of the building.

So... apparently, if The Doctor won't show up, I take matters into my own hands.

But I ended up wide-awake, not wanting to take the chance at closing my eyes, at 3:30AM one day this week.
So I then snuggled into Michael and grabbed the cat. And managed to go back to sleep.

Did you know that my scroll button, when I scroll really fast, sounds rather like a duck? 'Cause it does.

No, I'm not dead.

I wasn't in a coma. Or in prison. Or stuck in a well, waiting for Lassie to fetch help.

Nothing that exciting.

I've just been ... lazy? busy? busy-lazy? lazy-busy?
I don't know.

I have been reading more. So that's something.
I've been trying to get caught up on the bazillion bookmarks I've saved either to my OneTab (LOVE that Chrome extension) or to my list of saved links on Facebook.

I cleaned my desk off (well, mostly. But it's a VAST improvement).
I worked on the "junk counter" ... so that's better.

I'll work on the kitchen, since it's a sty.

I've gotten most of my Visiting Teaching done. Not bragging ... but it does take a little time.
I do my Visiting Teaching, not because I want a trophy ... but because I really want the sisters I've been assigned to visit to KNOW that they matter, that someone loves and cares about them. It makes me sad that not everyone gets Visiting or Home Teachers who are willing to sacrifice a little time to make sure that those sisters/families know they're important enough to merit that sacrifice.
(Which reminded me to go and fill out the VT Survey in my inbox. Which is NOW done.)

Most Christmas presents are bought. Some are even wrapped (not all of them. Not yet. Soon, though).

The good news, I won't be on my lady-cycle on Christmas.
The bad news = I spent a few days FREAKING OUT because I wasn't feeling the true meaning of Christmas ... and I'm not able to go spend Christmas Eve at Nana and Pop-pop's or Christmas morning at my Grandma's house ... and I miss the SMELLS of those places. And you can never go home again because time only goes ONE direction and I hate that and I miss being a child and I miss the feeling of Christmas when I was little ... and  ... and ... and ...

So, well, it made a LOT of sense in a few days. Joy.
(But I have a trunk of my Pop-pop's that spent nearly 40 years in their attic. So it smells like that.
And I discovered that one of the tables from Nana's house has a drawer that smells like their living room at Christmastime ... so that's nice. I wish I could totally bottle those up. Just in case. But I'll accept these as answers to prayers, anyways.)

We had our ward Christmas party. Bubbles had her first dance performance (some of the 2-6 year-olds did a little dance to the hot chocolate song from "The Polar Express"). She had a blast ... though it was a little touch-and-go at times. But, for the majority of the time, she loved it. So that's nice.

I've been teaching my Sunday School class. And I'm bummed at the fact that I'm only keeping one of my students for next year (The rest will be in the 14-15 year-olds class).
And, as I said to Michael today, I've been blogging ... but for them. Because I love them more (no offense. I love you guys, too. And I'll stop being a jerk to you. Pinkie-swears!).
And, it's not even like I've been blogging that well for them, either.

I've gotten through most of my library books. So that's a nice thing.
My main goal is to read my books and not get any more fines ... for, like, the next twenty years or so.

I volunteered a couple times at the kids' school. I've been taking Bubbles to storytimes.
I used to be caught up on dishes and the laundry. That's not the case anymore. Sorry.

We did our family portraits ... just need to get them sent out to people. And the rest of the presents wrapped up.

I (finally) painted my nails.

Bucket and I made brownies a few nights ago.

Michael and I ate cheese. Lots of cheese.
Yeah, I'm sure that we've done other stuff ... but it's been over a month since I blogged and my brain is falling apart. Seriously, it's after 2:30 now and I still haven't taken a shower. And I NEED TO.

We put together our Doctor Who LEGO sets (Michael got me my own. He's sharing his with the kids. Because he's a GOOD DAD). And they had to go and buy the Ant-Man set ... because Bucket NEEDED to get "a messed-up looking dog." (Don't worry, Bruise was totally on board with this, too.)

Bruise earned his Bear patch in Cub Scouts. Now to bust our butts and get him what he needs to finish a couple other things (and hope that our Cubmaster had some arrow points for his uniform, since he earned them, but they've been discontinued).
Aaaaaaaand, I need to sew some patches on. I'm behind.

Well, that's all that's in my head for now.

Just be excellent to each other. I'm tired of news stories and  Facebook posts about people being jerks. There are only so many cat videos that I can watch to combat that ... don't make me find more. Thanks.

Finally ponderizing

I know, it's been a month since General Conference ... but I'm finally doing the right stuff. Well, trying, anyways.

So, I chose  Doctrine and Covenants 6:36 for this week (even BEFORE the kerfuffle about the new Church policy change/clarification occurred).

Doctrine and Covenants 6:36 - "Look unto me in every thought; Doubt not. Fear not."

I will admit that one of the perks of choosing this verse is that it is SHORT. It's not THE shortest verse in the scriptures ... but it's bite-sized, for sure, in length.

And, with how this week has gone, it's been very helpful. Even though we see "through a glass darkly," and we don't understand all the reasonings behind every bit of doctrine and policy, we can know that we will understand it one day. The truth will come. We will understand.

So, we have two choices:

• Keep moving forward in faith - knowing that God loves ALL his children, but doesn't approve of all our choices; that He has given us loving leaders who hearken to His voice, for the benefit of the Church and the world; that obeying the commandments of God brings us safety and peace.
  
  OR
  
• We don't. We think that we know better than an omniscient, loving God ... or the leaders that have been called by the Lord. 

I feel for those whose hearts are conflicted. I feel for those who feel that this new policy is hard. I have compassion for them.

Truly, the main reason why I did not automatically meet the news of this announcement with joy was because I know there are those who would malign our leaders as making this policy change out of spite or bigotry. That people out there could think that we, as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, aren't doing this out of love and compassion for those who struggle with the trial of same-sex attraction.

I have friends who identify as straight, lesbian, gay, or bisexual.
Does this mean that I love any of them more or less because of their sexual preference?
NO.

(The main reason I like and love people is because of what kind of person they are. I get that everyone is going to sin. Heck, I'm a sinner, too. We all will make different choices. Some will lead us closer to Heavenly Father. Others won't, they'll lead us further away from Him. ... If I decided to only have as friends people who kept the commandments ALL the time, I wouldn't have ANY friends here on earth. We're all in this together. It's our duty to help each other along. It's our duty to show love and compassion to each other. Even when we don't agree.)

Heck, I consider this the same kind of mostly-non-issue as having friends of other religions.
We all have different beliefs and understandings. Dude, even other Latter-day Saints in my WARD (church-speak for congregation) have vastly differing views.
I have friends that are LDS. I have friends that are Catholic. or Baptist. Or Methodist. . Or non-denominational Christian. And there some Christian sects that I haven't even named. I have friends that are atheists. Or agnostics. Or pagan. Or Wiccan. ... I don't know if I have any that are Jewish or Muslim or Hindu or Buddhist. But I look forward to making friends with them ... because the more that I can learn of their characters and their religions, the better of a person I will be. Not only because I'll have more factual knowledge, of course, but also because I'll be able to better understand THEM and their beliefs and the beauties of the tenants of their faiths.

Just like I appreciate when my friends of differing sexualities help me to learn about and understand them as people. I refuse to pigeon-hole them into their sexuality ... just as I hate to pigeon-hole any of my friends into their race.
It just sounds wrong and belittling to say "my black friend/my lesbian friend/my pagan friend/etc" as if that were the only thing about them.

No, I prefer to think and categorize my friends in better-nuanced ways (i.e., "my friend, L, who teaches theater and I've known since my freshman year of college and we would walk down the main drag of campus saying "little French" and "HORROR" back and forth and had cats named Lucifer and Angel and is hilarious and we joke that we're twins since our first and middle names are so similar and we had tons of fun in German class and she says some of the funniest things and she happens to be black." OR "My friend, H, who I met through blogging and a mutual online friend and she likes cats and she is a powerhouse at working out and she posts some of the most hilarious things on facebook which always makes me smile and laugh and she's just as hilarious when she texts and she wants to be a gangsteeeer when she grows up and I found her doormat for her online and she loved it and actually ordered it which made me feel useful and she's so down-to-earth and seems like the most fun mom/mom-friend ever and she happens to also be a lesbian." OR "My friend, D, who I crushed on my sophomore year of high school and he would insist on carrying my hugely, heavely backpack of doom and he made me the best ever mixed-tape which I still have and he used to have hair like Jareth from Labyrinth and he's very funny and he's a great dad to his girls and I once stabbed him in the leg with a pencil and it left a little scar and he's really forgiven me after I've begged for forgiveness but he loves to rub my nose in it and declares that he'll be telling the  horror story of the ALLANNA when he's in a nursing home to scare the other residents and their families and he's convinced his daughter that he IS Prince Jareth and my friend's daughter that he IS Deadpool and he happens to also be pagan. ... And he and I have some GREAT discussions about religion. He's very well-versed in a lot of mythology that I'm not so knowledgeable about  ... and there are other friends that I have like that.) Yes, there all have differences that I could pigeon-hole these people as, but I really believe that we're all more than just a sum of our parts.

So, love and compassion are what Jesus taught and what I want to emulate.
He also wasn't accepting of sin ... he was compassionate and empathetic to the sinner, of course! ... but, if sin wasn't a big deal, he would never have said, "Go and sin no more."

But he did.
He didn't say, "You do you."
He didn't shun those who sinned or tried to make them feel like crap.
He loved. He led. He showed us how to improve by His perfect example. He gave us a higher law to follow. And part of that was showing love and compassion while eschewing sins. He never promised that it would be easy or feel fair or be easy for us to understand.

So, my goal is to keep the commandments, to do my best to show Christ's love to everyone around me through how I treat them, and to doubt not and fear not.

And that's what I'm going to do my darndest to do.

Rambling Reaction (but not a heat-of-the-moment reaction ... more of a mule-this-over-for-a-bit reaction)

If you've been anywhere around social media during this last weekend, you've heard about the policy changes made by my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints).

I just need to get a brain dump made ... because I have thoughts. And I deserve a place to write them down.

Before I really start, I want to make it clear that I have friends with many, diverse opinions and lifestyles. And I know that it's my Christian duty to love everyone, regardless of age/sex/orientation/lifestyle/race/religion/whatever. In fact, I consider it an honor and privilege to have the opportunity to have these people in my life (even when I don't always understand their choices). Because, heaven knows, I'm not at all perfect myself. (Seriously, if you think that I am ... well, you're very sweet. And deluded. But I appreciate it. Please be aware that I am SO. VERY. NOT. perfect. I'm a total screw-up. But I'm working at it. Even if I leave myself LOTS of room for improvement.)

Point #1 - God loves ALL His children.

And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things. (1 nephi 11:17) -- See also this pamphlet - God Loveth His Children

He loves us perfectly, eternally, never removing any of His love from us. Jesus loves us. Again, perfectly. He was willing to give His life for us, to suffer more than any mortal being could possibly bear ... because He LOVES us.
Because He loves YOU and ME, He'd have been willing to atone for just a single one of us.
And, through His Atonement, He KNOWS EXACTLY how we feel, how we suffer ... There is nothing we go through that He cannot understand from OUR viewpoint. (And, since, unlike us, He does have a perfect knowledge of things, He understands us better than we understand ourselves.)

I KNOW that God loves ALL His children. ALL of them. EVERY SINGLE ONE.
When we make bad decisions, when we sin, He STILL loves us with a perfect love.
He is steadfast. He does not change.
We are the ones who, through our actions, either remove ourselves from Him or approach Him.

Still, there is NOTHING that we can ever do that would cause Him not to love us. Nothing.
His love is constant and unwavering. Because He is unchangeable. He is eternal.

Point #2 - We are not our temptations. Being tempted is not the same as sinning.
Think about it ... if Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the only perfect being to live on this earth ... if HE was tempted, why shouldn't we -- imperfect as we are -- suffer temptations as well?

Just because someone is tempted or has a proclivity towards a certain behavior that is not in keeping with the gospel, that doesn't mean that s/he is, inherently, a bad person.
If that were true, I'd be completely irredeemable (If I were my main sins, I'd be a gluttonous, slothful, vain, proud lazeabout. These attributes are things I need to work [VERY HARD] to overcome. I'm a work in progress. ... And, for the record, those are NOT my only sins. I've got quite the laundry list to choose from. That's why we have repentance. That's why we have the gospel ...).

We all have moral agency. We have the freedom to choose for ourselves -- to ACT, rather than be acted upon. When we are faced with temptations, we will always have a choice. And, our loving Heavenly Father will always provide a safe way for us to withstand it. If we choose to look for and follow it.

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

And, knowing that we are not perfect, He provided a Savior, Jesus Christ, to come to earth -- to teach us, to atone for us, to die for us -- so that we are able to overcome physical death (through the resurrection) and spiritual death (our separation from God's presence -- through repentance).
Jesus was willing. He chose to come to earth and to atone for us, as a sinless sacrifice, and to die for us.

As it says in one of our hymns (#193 - I Stand All Amazed),

"I marvel that He would descend from His throne divine to rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine, that He would extend His great love unto such as I, sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify. Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me! Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!"

Truly, it is beyond description ... He loves us so very, very much. And, whenever I think of this ... I don't have the words to state how awed, how grateful I am ... because it is not possible to comprehend that amount of love and compassion.

And Jesus Christ was willing to suffer for ALL our sins. Because He loves us. Because He wants us to ALL be able to return to His/our Father's presence. Because He considers US worthy of such pain, suffering, and sacrifice. EACH OF US. INDIVIDUAL. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

Point #3 - God loves us. He wants us to be able to return to His presence. So, not only did He send His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to atone and die for us; He also sends us, from the beginning of time, prophets to help guide us. Our prophets give revelation to the whole Church and the whole world.

"Surely the Lord God will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets." - Amos 3:7

Because God loves us, we have prophets and other leaders to help guide us, to teach us what we need to know, so we can progress and grow and develop those attributes and character that will help us to become more like our Heavenly Parents.

When we choose to be obedient, to make those sacrifices in our lives so that we can become more like our Heavenly Father, full of love, light, and knowledge, ... well, it's rather obvious that we draw closer to Him. And, by following the commandments that He gives us, through his prophets (both ancient [Moses, Abraham, Jesus, etc] AND modern [Joseph Smith, Jr., continuing through our living prophet today, Thomas S. Monson ... and whoever follows him], we are blessed.

Obedience is founded upon faith. And we are not to follow our leaders blindly ... we, in fact, are COMMANDED (though these same leaders) to seek for personal confirmation, from the Holy Spirit, through personal prayer and scripture study.

But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.

 But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me. (Doctrine and Covenants 9:8-9)

I know that when I follow the counsel of our prophet and the apostles, I am blessed. I KNOW this, because I've seen it happen over and over again in my life. I also see that when I make choices contrary to the commandments, I lose the presence of the Holy Spirit and his constant guidance.
Life is (overall) easier when I choose to follow the revelations given to us from God through his prophets.

So you'll understand my sadness over the reactions to the changes in Church policy ... and, truly, they aren't really changes ... CLARIFICATIONS is a better word for this.

The more that I think on this, the more that it is confirmed to me that this clarification of Church policy is for the GOOD of these sweet souls. It is to protect the family, ALL FAMILIES, from contention.

This will help children, especially young children, not to have to deal with very adult/advanced issues of reconciling the fact that their parents are living a life that is contrary to the gospel and eternal progression. (Bear with me on that. I'll explain. Pinkie-swears!) It will allow these children every blessing they have been promised ... it's just delayed.

And, yes, it's quite sad that these sweet souls will have to wait. However, it's just a small matter of time. And they WILL be able to receive those blessings.

And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours. 

And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more. (Doctrine and Covenants 78:18-19)

The Lord is aware of you. The Lord is aware of them. He will hold nothing back from them.
Rather like it's said in The Princess Bride, this policy cannot (indeed, does not) stop these individuals from receiving their promised blessings, it just postpones the delivery for a while.

We will face opposition in this life. Satan is striving to make it hard to tell what is good from what is not. And, I think in this case, he's working overtime.

So, back to the point that I promised to elucidate on ... The plan of salvation, or the plan of happiness. It has both names for a very good reason. Because if we follow the plan, we achieve both those results.

from http://courtneyaitken.blogspot.com/2013/01/plan-of-salvation-bookmarks.html

 Here's the plan of salvation, made simple (if you want to read more about it, follow the link in the caption. Courtney Aitken also has a backside for the bookmark FILLED with scriptural references.
You could also ask me. Or another LDS friend that you have. Or the missionaries. Or go to LDS.org and read about it there ... there's lots of options.

• Before we were born, we all existed as spirit children of our Heavenly Parents.
  Heavenly Father presented a beautiful plan to us -- one that would allow us to learn, grow, become more like Him, and return to His presence.
  To do this, we would be born in mortal bodies, on earth. We would have the opportunity to learn the commandments, prove ourselves by making good (or poor) choices, and make covenants with Him. 
• We would have need of a savior, knowing that we would make mistakes and sin.
  Jesus and Lucifer both offered to be that savior.
  Lucifer promised to return EVERY soul to Heavenly Father (which would require negating agency), if he received all the glory.
  Jesus offered to go, allowing us to have our own agency to choose for ourselves, and the glory would go to Heavenly Father (which is fair, since it was His plan, in the first place).
• Some spirits followed Lucifer and they were cast out -- Lucifer became Satan. Those other souls that followed him were not able to come to earth and get bodies. This is why they are damned -- they made it impossible for themselves to progress (just like a dam stops the flow of water in a river. At least, for the most part. But you get where I'm going with that analogy, right?)
• Jesus created this world for us. It is a beautiful place.
• Adam and Eve came here and were placed in the Garden of Eden. They, as we, were made to forget our pre-mortal existence. If we all remembered everything that we knew then, this life wouldn't be a true testing opportunity (and, as it is, what with the scriptures and prophetic counsel and personal revelation, it's quite an open-book test). They were tempted and chose to eat the fruit of knowledge of good and evil. This allowed them to become mortal, which enabled them to fulfill the first commandment of "multiply and replenish the earth."
  Also, just for what it's worth, we honor Eve as being very brave and selfless in this decision. Yes, it was a transgression ... but it was for a noble purpose. And Adam, as our first prophet, is quite worthy of admiration, too.
• Because of this, "The Fall," as we call it, where Adam and Eve were removed from God's presence (by having to leave the Garden of Eden), which is a spiritual death AND being made mortal (so they would die), we all had need of a savior. (Which we discussed a bit earlier).
• From the beginning of time, we have been blessed with prophets to help guide us. The Lord gives revelations to the prophets that apply to the whole world and the whole church. He loves us and wants to give us every opportunity to return to Him.
• Jesus came, in the meridian of time, to live here on earth, teach, serve, atone and die for us. Because of His sacrifices for us, we are able to repent (thus overcoming that spiritual death) and be resurrected (overcoming physical death).
• After we die, we will go to the spirit world, since our bodies and spirits will be separated (that's what death is). Those who did not have the opportunity to make covenants (baptism, receiving one's endowment, eternal marriage, etc), will have the opportunity to receive them through vicarious work done on earth (These covenants require a body to do them, you see. That's why our church is gung-ho about temple work, since the temple is the only place we can perform this service for those who've passed on). We all will be able to learn more and make some (slower) progress here in the spirit world.
• We will be resurrected. Our bodies will be immortal bodies, made perfect. (That isn't to say that we'll all be supermodels or bodybuilders ... but we'll have bodies that work perfectly, for sure.)
• After the resurrection, there will be a final judgement. We'll be judged for our choices (Now, if we've repented, God won't remember those sins. Neither will we). If we're worthy, we will be comfortable and confident in His presence. He will be able to welcome us into His presence.
  If we aren't worthy of his presences, we will go to a lesser kingdom. The Telestial Kingdom is the lowest. It's, pretty much, what we're dealing with here. The Holy Ghost can be here to teach and instruct.
  The Terrestrial Kingdom is better. You have to live a higher law than what's required for the Telestial Kingdom. Jesus will come to minister.
  If you want to receive all the blessings promised, then work to be Celestial Kingdom material. We will be in God's presence. We will be able to be with our eternal families. We will have the ability to progress and reach our overall goal of becoming like our Heavenly Parents.
  To qualify for the Celestial Kingdom, we need a few things:

1. Faith in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior
2. Repentance (We show remorse, make restitution, and work to change our character to overcome these sins that are keeping us from our eternal goals)
3. Baptism by immersion by the proper authority
4. Receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost (to, if we are worthy, be our constant companion as a comforter and guide) 
5. Enduring to the end by following the commandments and keeping the covenants that we make with our Heavenly Father

Yes, it is a trifle difficult to explain it all in one nutshell ... but, of everything in this world, it's the one constant that makes sense (at least to me. Per the 11th Article of Faith, you're free to believe and worship as you see fit. You have the moral agency to do so. We respect that).

But, okay, so we're working to be like Heavenly Father -- He is perfect, has an immortal body, is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-loving. Pretty awesome goal, right?

Another blessing that we can receive in this journey to become more like him is to have family bonds that are not ended with our deaths (e.g., "til death do you part.").
Through the power of the Melchizedek priesthood, we are able to be sealed to our families with an eternal bond. A husband and wife can be sealed together. Their children can be sealed to them. (If a husband and wife are sealed before their children are born, those children are born in the covenant, already sealed to their parents).
If we keep those covenants that we've made in the temple, we can be together forever as families.

That's the big reason for the Church's support of moral issues, like marriage between one man and one woman.
It's not because we don't love these other people. We do. We're commanded to. And, if we're being Christlike (like we SHOULD be), we WANT to love them ... and to make sure that they know that they're loved, valued, and cherished by our Heavenly parents.

Sadly, we don't know WHY same-sex attraction is given as a trial for some people.
I do know, though, that they are strong, worthy individuals who are capable of withstanding this temptation ... as we are all capable of withstanding being tempted ... through the power of Jesus Christ.
And if they, like we all do sometimes, fold? They are able to repent. Just like the rest of us.
If they choose to enter into a same-sex marriage, that is their choice. However, that marriage cannot be sealed through the Holy Spirit of Promise. It will end with their death ... and I find it terribly sad that they'd put so much time, effort, emotion, and energy into something that cannot be eternal.

Sometimes, our own choices affect more people than just ourselves.
Sometimes, due to our choices, other people will suffer.
This is yet another reason for the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
Through the Atonement, ALL wrongs will be made right. All sins will be forgiven. All hurts -- physical, spiritual, and emotional -- will be healed.
Oh, it is wonderful to me.

Will Heavenly Father hold back any blessing from them, if they actively seek those blessings?
No.
Because He LOVES us all.

And, knowing that Heavenly Father loves us, would he send us leaders who would lead the Church to withhold blessings and opportunities due to hate or bigotry?
NO.
So I KNOW that there are reasons of love behind this.
Because I KNOW that our prophet and apostles and all our other leaders are working to emulate Christ and His love for all God's children.

Just like how, because I love my children, I'm not going to condone them doing things that will hurt them.
I gave my kids the example of, "What if we bought a motorcycle? Are you allowed to ride it by yourself?"
"No."
"What if you did ride it by yourself? What would happen?"
"We'd get in trouble."
"Would it make sense for us to get rid of the motorcycle ... especially while you weren't allowed to ride it by yourself?"
"Yes."
"Would that be because we're being mean?"
"Well ... no, not really."
"Then why would we take it away?"
"So that we couldn't get in trouble."
"Exactly."

Just like how, when an individual is excommunicated from the Church, it's NOT because the leaders are wanting to be mean ... it's to allow the person to either continue the problematic choices without being under greater condemnation from the Lord for breaking (and continuing to break) covenants -OR- to allow the person to repent while protecting himself/herself from bigger punishments.

Does that sound like it's something done out of hate? Or a plan from a loving Heavenly Father through loving leaders?

To me, it's definitely the second. Because, even when a person is excommunicated or disfellowshipped, we have every hope and desire for them to return. We love and watch and wait. If they CHOOSE to repent and return, we rejoice. If they don't, we just love them while maintaining our standards and not condoning their actions.
Because we are all worthy of love.

Because Heavenly Father loves us all.

And because I KNOW that He loves us, I know that He would never do something just for the sole reason of hurting people. He will ask hard things of us, just like our earthly parents ask us to do things we'd rather not do (take out the trash/clean our rooms/etc) -- like we ask our kids to do ... because we know that it's (1) important for them to learn and/or (2) it's to help them develop into something better than they were.

I also know that, if ever it should occur that a prophet were to cause God's church to be led astray, He would TAKE THAT PROPHET OUT. And, there's the fact that this matter was discussed and agreed upon unanimously among 15 apostles and prophets. Do you know HOW HARD it is for even similar-minded people to agree completely? ...

Yes, my heart hurts for those who find this news hard to bear. I wish I had a way to make it so that they automatically felt loved and supported enough to wade through any doubts.

Still, regardless of this sorrow, I will not support those who try to tell me that this is an evil move, that our leaders are uninspired ... because everything points to the contrary.

The Family Proclamation was delivered just over 20 year ago. It is Church doctrine. It has not and will not change.

That doesn't mean that we are not under commandment to love everyone. Because we ARE.
But, if we choose to be politically-correct to the point where we eschew the teachings of God, given through His servants, we are putting ourselves (and those we influence) in danger.

So, TL;DR:

• The commandment to love everyone still stands. 
• We don't have to agree on everyone's actions. 
• I choose to support President Thomas S. Monson, our prophet, and the other God-appointed leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, as I have raised my arm to show my support. It makes me most sad when I hear/read others maligning our leaders for not bowing down to the demands of the world/being politically correct ... as if they really had a choice to do otherwise.
• I do not understand all things. But I will keep my covenants, because they are precious to me.
  I have too much to lose, otherwise. I treasure the fact that my family can be together forever.
• I wish that I could ensure that all God's children, my spirit brothers and sisters, received those blessings that come from making and keeping covenants with the Lord. Because they bring more than happiness -- they bring JOY. In this life and in the life to come. 
• And I want the best for you all. Because I do love you.
• If you desire those blessings, they CAN be yours, too. They may be delayed, but never denied. And you will be blessed for your patience. Because our Heavenly Father loves you.
  And it WILL be worth every struggle. 

If you have questions or if I need to better explain things in the rambling, oh-so-very-long post, please let me know.

Crazy Dream Chronicle: Memoriam Sweater

A couple nights ago, I dreamed.

And it was a strange dream (obvs, since I remembered it, right?) ... In it, I was at my mom's house-but-not ... and we were doing laundry. LOTS of laundry [Art imitates life imitating art, yes?].

And ... well, we needed to get a sweater washed and dried. For my friend's brother. Because he was sick. Like bad cold/fevered/stuck in bed shivering-type sick.

In real life, he was murdered back in 2007. Both the boys who killed him are in prison (sentenced for life, but up for parole after 25 years ... so, in another 15-16 years or so).

...

But, in my dream, he was alive.
I wasn't the closest of friends with him.

He was the first guy (besides one of the sons of a lady who watched me when I was little ... and he doesn't count) to ask me out.

I was too young ... and I knew that it wouldn't be fair to date someone I wasn't really into (Should have remembered THAT when I started dating my first boyfriend. But, well, that would have been SMART. And I wasn't really being super-intelligent right then. *sigh*).

I mean, if I had been his girlfriend, I'd have gotten a nice macaroni necklace ...

Again, not a good enough reason to be someone's junior-high girlfriend.

...

The worst thing about living is outliving other people.
Especially people who go so early.

I mean, I know that there are reasons ... reasons we don't understand ... and that by enduring these things, we learn and grow and all ...

... but it doesn't make it any less sucky, really.

His poor family, though. They took it really hard. Not that I can blame them. There were only the four of them ... and Kevin disappeared ... and was found murdered.
He and his sister, my friend, were quite close ... so it was even more devastating.

I remember when he went missing. She called (she was stationed out of state) ... and she was pretty panicked. I did my best to calm her down ... and I hoped and prayed that maybe he was just being horribly irresponsible and just headed off to Vegas or something on a wild hair and just forgot to call anyone ...

... That would have been a million times better, really. His cat would have forgiven him. So would the rest of us. Because doing something selfish and a little stupid would have been so much better.

But, yeah. So, he was in my dream. And I was scuttling about, trying to help find that sweater ... or to get it washed and dried if it wasn't already.

... It's strange to think of how many people from my high school that I've outlived. Since I'm not horribly old. Yet.
But, at the same time, it's ... sad ... to know of so many people who've been murdered, who've committed suicide, or who died in car crashes.

I suppose it's not too surprising that I think about these things ... since (1) I'm kinda morbid anyways and [evidence: fan of The Walking Dead, reads Stephen King, enjoys creepypasta, etc.] (2) we did just get through Halloween and Dia de los Muertos.

I remember reading an article about how we keep the dead with us ... how we think of them and remember them ... so that they are still around, still affecting us ... It's a comforting thought.

And there's another article I read about how we keep memorials and objects to remind us of those who've passed ... like how I have a lot of my Grandma's books and jewelry ... and how I treasure some of the jewelry that my mom's stepmom passed on to me as presents from her collection before she passed. Or how I have a journal of my Pop-pop (and, apparently, journaling skills ... or, really, the lack thereof, IS a family trait. :P) ... and how I find it very hard to part with things that folks give me after they're no longer around (like a pull-up bar that Michael's grandfolks gave us. We don't use it often ... but I hate the idea of not having is because it was Grandpa C's).

And here I am, surrounded by clutter (of my own devising ... well, with some help from the munchkin-brigade. LOTS of help from the munchkin-brigade) and half-sick of shadows.

Still, I really don't like losing people. Not only temporarily ... and I know that death is just this temporary thing. But I still dislike that separation.
There are times when I miss my Grandma or Pop-pop or Grandpa C so hard that it feels like a blow to the gut ... and I'd give just about anything to be able to hear their voices and have a conversation with them again.

I don't know why I take this separation so dang hard ... you'd think I had abandonment issues or something (which would explain that ... but I don't really have anything to pin that on, besides my parents' not-very-messy divorce. Truly, my childhood was pretty idyllic).

I don't know how much or how often those have passed get to observe the living ... but, sometimes, I'll chat a little at Pop-pop or Grandma D or a friend who've passed. I'm sure they don't mind that I remember them and are thinking of them and miss them bunches.

If they talk back, I don't really hear it. But it comforts me ... and that's reason enough, right?
Cheaper and less harmful than drugs.

Yeah, you usually don't get such an introspective and maudlin post from me, the queen of levity ... but, well, there you go.

MOAR crazy Dream Chronicles! Lucky you!

Yeah, I'm only remembering bits and pieces of my dreams ... but they're sure ... special.

The other night, in my dream, I started out with Bubbles and I driving around a college campus (could have been my alma mater, but it was MUCH larger). And they'd moved the mailboxes OUTSIDE the building. And I had a key that fit ... so I was all, "Hey, I could always have stuff shipped here and pick it up for free!" (Must have been a holdover from reading Ready Player One with Michael.)

THEN, the other part of my dream had me as, like, idk, an adjunct professor ... but I had finished up my term, so I was going to be leaving.
And the building we were in was haunted. By this TALL, strapping, red-headed Viking of a ghost. And he got one of the other professors to jump off the building (her red tartan-print dressed, broken body was still on the pavement below). And I was leaving the building and he took this goodbye-present handleless mug of mine and BROKE it. (Not that it was a huge deal. Since we have a BAZILLION mugs [who doesn't?] AND it wasn't my style anyways.) But I was irked by the PRINCIPLE of the thing. Ill-mannered, murdering ghost.

LAST night's dream was ... odd ... because, OF COURSE it was.

So, here's the deal. IRL, I have written a skit for my son's Cub Scout group. And, since last meeting was passing out flyers for a food drive (they ended up collecting over 100lbs of food!), there was NOT time to even have the boys read the script.

SO, TOMORROW, his den is meeting early so I can (1) pass out scripts, (2) assign roles, (3) have the boys run through it a couple times, and (4) go soak my head.
Mostly kidding on that last one. But I haven't had much practice directing things. I usually just act or sing. Or help with props/makeup/costuming (but not so much on that LAST one in THAT list).

I'm just hoping that it'll go well and that we'll HAVE five boys to play all the parts ... if not, well, It could end up being a Bruise production with starring roles from his Scout leaders, parents, and twin sister. We'll see ... But, apparently, I'm a little worried about the whole thing ...

So, in my dream, one of our past sister missionaries was throwing a huge dramatic spectacle. And, last minute, I was given a script. I didn't have my lines down at all ... and I hadn't really even had time to read over my part(s). And there was some serious swear words ... so I'm taking liberties and editing them out ... because (1) swearing is something that I've worked VERY HARD to not do nearly so much (Srsly, y'all -- my sophomore year of high school, I was SUCH a potty-mouth. Sailors and truckers would have blanched. So my use of "craps," "damns," and "hells" is a TOTAL improvement. Just so you know.) and (2) IT WAS AT CHURCH. You can't say scatalogical terms of THAT kind at church. Because that's Jesus's house.

And then, the other scene I was in, I dropped my script and LOST MY PLACE and couldn't find it ... and so I was having to make up lyrics to some rock song that I'd only caught a wee glimpse of ... so I'm writhing on the floor, turning in horizontal circles on my back, mic in hand, as I try to channel Freddie Mercury at his glammest and maybe a soupçon of Stevie Nicks, as I'm MAKING UP LYRICS and hoping that the returned sister missionary won't be too put out that I'm ruining her script.

Okay, so I can get that maybe that rock-star element of my dream is because on Facebook folks were complimenting my Jem! costume from around six years ago. My wig and makeup were awesome, if I do say so myself ... the rest of the costume could have gone better.
If I make it again, I know a lot of things to improve.
But it's not going to be this year, since there's only a few days until Halloween. And I don't have a costume at all. *sigh* I don't even know what to attempt to dress as.

In other non-dream-related news, I've passed sixth-grade math on Khan Academy. I did a load of dishes. We had soup for dinner last night. We went to the library's Halloween shindig (and ran into Michael's cousin and his family there ^_^). And I sent a Facebook message to the (ex?) friend who had unfriended me.
I let her know that I noticed we weren't Facebook friends anymore. And that I understood that it could be a glitch (not terribly likely) or that it could have not. But that I wished the best for her, even if that meant that I wasn't friends with her anymore. And that if there had been anything that I had done or said that had hurt or offended her, that it wasn't done purposefully ... and that I was sorry if I had hurt or offended her.

As my mom said, either she'll respond to it or not. And, if she writes back, there's an answer. If she doesn't, there's another answer.

The ball is in her court. And that's ... a little ... nerve-wracking. But, well, it felt insincere to pretend that I didn't notice the change in our friendship. I get that people grow apart ... but, well, when you've been really tight friends, it seems more direct to let the other person know that you're choosing to unfriend them. It'd be kind to let them know why ... even a "we've grown apart" or something.
I've unfriended some folks on facebook ... but they were (pretty much) strangers who we had friended each other for facebook games that I wasn't playing anymore. That's a bit different, right?

I've almost got Bruise's shirt done for Halloween. It's the main part of his costume (the rest is a certain pair of jeans (I should make sure those are in the wash) and trainers). I should make a clasp for Bucket's cloak. Bubbles's costume is all storebought ... and, well, we did pick up about the perfect pair of Crocs for her to wear with it (SPARKLY TEAL, Y'ALL. TEAL. AND SPARKLES. Can you tell that I'm a little jealous?), so her's is all taken care of.

So, yeah. I should check on Bruise's shirt ... do the last bits of paint on it. Get a shower. Do more laundry. Drink a buttload of water (doing this week-long water challenge. Michael's doing it, too. We're only drinking water as our beverage this week. And we're SUPPOSED to be drinking (bodyweight/2) in ounces. ... This is the third day in ... and man I suck at drinking enough water. Sunday, got nearly 3/4 of the suggested amount. Yesterday, I didn't even get one-third. *sigh*).

And I'm working at getting through library books ... physical AND online (Overdrive is a great app. you can use it to read books [e-books or audiobooks] on your phone or tablet, borrowed through your library ... well, if your library is part of it. Or, you could do the free ones that are available to everyone and don't count against how many books you can check out. You're limited to six holds at a time ... and TWO hold came in within a day of each other. And you only get them for 14 days. *sigh* I mean, you can check them out again, if there's not a hold on them, of course .....)

But, yeah. Busy girl.
Who also needs to read her scriptures and plan her lesson (which HOPEFULLY won't be observed by the STAKE PRESIDENT next week. Don't get me wrong, I love our Stake President ... but, well, that's a little stressful to be observed. Especially when I COULD AND SHOULD have been a bit better prepared ... and, bless them, but my class was VERY excitable. So it was interesting making sure that we focused and refocused their attention on the topic of showing Christlike love to others. But I was able to tell them about how the Young Women Theme, this month's Relief Society lesson, and the overall goal of "The Power of Everyday Missionaries" all integrate that theme ... and they had some great insights. And we discussed sharing our beliefs with others and HOW to do it best and HOW to show others, through our actions and words, how much Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love them ... and President C did say that I did a great job, so it was a good lesson ... but a little stressful. ^_^) ... among another billion things that I should get done.